MIL wants to 'help' but has agendas.LONG, sorry.

[StressedNotSupported]

Where to start. I've name changed as this is delicate. Some background...

I have a DS of almost 1 year. It has been without a doubt the hardest year of my life. I love my son with every bit of my heart unreservedly but my relationship with DH has become strained I'd say almost to breaking point. He was unsupportive during hard pregnancy and birth and I think just can't cope if I need him rather than vice versa. He is a man child. I knew this when I met him but I guess now I have an actual child, I need him to grow up which is harsh but true.

I am exhausted with DS who is bf and still awake several times a night. He is cutting a bunch of teeth just now too.

DH's family are making things harder. DH's bro lives near us. MIL lives a long way away. BIL has a little boy a couple years older than our DS and MIL has been very involved with them. MIL expects same with us. I am happy for her to be involved as a normal grandma but I feel her attitude goes beyond normal.

On top of this, mIL is a psychologist and counsellor and can't seem to switch this off. I find her manner intrusive and she is very controlling. This is backed up by sil who ended up at relate with BIL saying there were 3 of them in their marriage and the 'other woman' was his mum. Generally tho I think she has a more stable relationship with MIL. They have more in common, more history and I think, she is more willing to, and sorry for this phrase, kiss MIL's ass.

DH will often speak and I can hear her words coming out. No doubt about it.

I don't dislike MIL, it is more that I don't trust her. We get on for a while but then, out of nowhere, she will turn. Again, SIL has said she has this ability to take one's breath away in an instant with things she will come out with.

I could go on all day, it is very complex and I hope I am making sense.

So yesterday she rang for a 'chat' which is not that common. I was a bit stressed anywyay yesterday as I'd had phone call after phone call (literally, put phone down, it rings again) and DH was get very fractious. On top of this, I am soooo tired from sleep deprivation. Anyway, we have a brief chat, skim over how I'm doing and how she is going (as she has had recent health probs). Leave it at that. Then 4 hours later, just as I'm doing baby's tea, she rings back. Said she's been thinking about what's going on all afternoon and that she could come and help. She isn't busy and could come and stay for a week. But I would need to let her help and she would take over the nightime wakings and she would then sleep in the day. Said somebody needed to take charge of the situation. I'm paraphrasing but amongst other things she asked how many times I was still bfding, said she was frustrated that we hadn't been to relate about our marriage, suggested I go to the GP for depression, etc etc.

Now, an offer of help is nice but I felt totally sidestepped. I was dealing with baby crying for his food and I was exhausted by 5pm yesterday and I ended up in tears on the phone as I couldn't cope with that level of intrusion. I said I would think about it and she said that we will talk again about this.

Now I don't think it is up to her to tell me when to stop breastfeeding or how to tackle night wakings esp with baby who is teething. Add to this her DH (not my DH's father ) has alzeihmers and she'd bring him with her, so I'd have him to 'look after' during the day as well as baby and dog, whilst she sleeps having done the night shift with my baby. I'm not comfortable with any of this. I don't feel our relationship is built on enough trust. I feel undermined.

I am willing to consider that she genuinely wants to help but actually I don't believe this. I think this is more about her wanting some control and input over how I raise my child. She has recently suggested we go away for weekend and she'd come and look after baby. Again, not unappreciated, but it's up to me when I feel ready to leave him.

But and this is the big but, DH and I had a big row last night which was quite constructive in the end and it turned out that between the two phone calls yesterday afternoon, MIL had rung DH at work to ask him why she hadn't been invited up for DS's 1st birthday. So basically this is all about her and I d on't want to give her any 'control'. I don't even want to have any deep meaningfuls with her. IMO she misuses her professional skills in a family situation.

I feel very stressed by offer of 'help' and upset that she has now hijacked baby's 1st birthday making it about her.

I am not sure what I'm asking really. How to say no without causing world war 3? SHoudl I say no to her 'helping' when it means her deciding I should night wean my baby?

Really feel for you op, it sounds hard work in your house :( If she was my mil, I would ignore. Not answer phone (screen calls) and not get involved. Up to you when you night wean - sounds like your dh will not help for a start, and if baby doesn't know his gran well, I can't see him being that chuffed to see her at 2am. I didn't nightwean btw despite all and sundry having an opinion on the matter - your choice either way, plenty of women don't nightwean, plenty do.
Why doesn't your dh do any baths or anything else? I'd start there not with mil (and agree with poster who said he's hardly a product of perfect parenting). Get him to pull his finger out. In fact, if mil starts on at you again, set her up with her son to sort out his issues

I think that, since your H is not going to help you nightwean, I would put it off. If I hadn't had H to do it, I think I would have just kept settling him "my way" because it was the quickest, easiest way for me to do it.

The sleep part will get better - the H part, well, I'm not so sure about. I wish I would send someone you like round with a big cake to give you a hug, it sounds like you need some RL moral (and actual!) support.

Poor you.

I can see where you are coming from. If your dh was a true partner and a true father, your mils involvement would not be necessary, and even she is recognizing this.

I think you know where this relationship is headed, and I dont think you need relate to tell you this, to be honest.

Do you work?
Do you think your dh will even care if you ask for a divorce?

I'm a bit shocked at your husband claiming your baby should get wet because "he's a boy".
I'm VERY shocked that he would endanger his life with the wrong carseat.

Am [shocked] that your Dh would let a baby go out delibrately with no raincover because he is a BOY, wtaf?

He sounds very unsupportive and very selfish, not suprising with a woman like that bringing him up.
Tell him to step-up or ship out

'Someone needed to take charge of the situation'

I wonder how she raised a 'man child' . Be firm, be calm. If you want her involved, tell her you would appreciate her help and if she could do X, Y and Z that would make life easier for you. Don't allow her to dictate how she helps. Telling you that you're going to stop night feeding and spend your days looking after her DH who has alzheimer's is not helping.

I agree with those saying you don't need to night wean if you or DS aren't ready. You don't need to do anything.

As for those whose babies slept through from 8 weeks - well lucky you, not all babies are the same and I think this kind of 'revelation' is very unhelpful.

DS wasn't ready to wean at night until 15 months and still has the occasional feed from time to time overnight. I know he was ready because it was easy, and FWIW having DH on my side wouldn't have made the blindest bit of difference, when DS woke he wanted milk and he wanted his mum, some babies don't just quietly drift back to sleep when told no; they howl and cry until hysterical and nobody gets any sleep. So continuing to breastfeed at night suited both of us. We co-sleep which helps and he has been in a sidecar cot for 2 months and now sleeps 9-12 hours a night mostly without waking... This is because I let him dictate when he was ready to night-wean because it meant more sleep for everybody.

If you do want to try it I highly recommend Dr Jay Gordon's advice - I couldn't have done it if it meant DS crying even if I didn't actually have to be there to hear it (in fact that would've been worse)

Its not up to your MIL or anybody else to dictate how or when you breastfeed. It's between yourself and your baby only.

With regard to her offer I would simply tell her 'thanks but no thanks' (I love "that doesn't work for me") - it really doesn't sound like it would help in the slightest, she'd be doing you more of a favour if she took her own DS off your hands for a bit... I know you don't have the energy to deal with it right now but he sounds like a nob of the highest order - of course you'd put your son's safety and well-being above all else, that's what you do as a parent.

It will get easier as your baby grows, we still have sleep issues and major tantrums etc but at 17 months DS is much easier and much more fun than he was at 12 months, not least because he can communicate a lot more now. You will sleep again honestly!

I really do feel for you, OP.
Speaking from experience as I have a well-meaning/interfering MIL as well I wouldn't take her 'helpful' tips onboard at all.
When advice is given I think about where it comes from! Think of all the professional advice she gives... and look how well her son turned out

I would stand your ground, tell her that it's just not working for you and keep her at a distance at for the time being, at least until you feel more in control. You are sleep deprived and she is causing more problems than any actual help, and it will only get worse.
As for your dh, well I really don't know where to start - I think you would be better off without him too tbf.

You deserve some support, a weeks worth of sleep, and a gold medal!
I hope you find a least 2 out of 3.

Your MIL raised a son who thinks babies can get soaked to the skin if male, and that car seats are a foolish fussiness (so that'll be why they're legally mandated, then) who never bathes or does night feeds with the baby, and who thinks 24/7 childcare isn't "work"?

You need her help for what, exactly? Her last childrearing efforts weren't precisely stellar.

You do need Relate. You also need to tell her to back off and allow you to manage your own life. But more politely than I would!

So what exactly has your DH done since your baby was born?
Has he done any thing that can be classed as looking after his son?
Has he been a partner and husband to you or just a live in lodger?

It sounds totally and utterly crap, and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

If he isn't going to be any sort of decent father or husband then why does he think he has a right to make decisions regarding the well being and safety of your child?

Would she not just come ni the day time for a few hours so you can have a sleep

Crinkle77 have you read the thread?

OP, have you discussed Relate with your DH?

Have you got someone else who would help you through the night for a while IF you are ready to night wean?

If you are ready to do it, then do so as once your sleeping you will cope better and you decide what are the next steps for you.

Tell your MIL you've not decided anything about his 1st birthday yet but it may well be several small parties so you can find a solution that suits you

'Somebody needs to take charge of the situation'

YOU are in charge. Things may not be perfect, and they may not be how MIL would do them, but hey, that's life. Take the positive (she offered help), thank her and say no because I'm sure you're right about all the negative aspects. You really don't want to be gritting your teeth through years of anecdotes from MIL about 'the time I saved the day for Stressed's family, ahahaha'.

I agree that your MIL would be far less of an issue if you and your dh were on the same page, so if you have any energy for concentrating, that's what needs doing something about.

I note that you said he was getting fed up with lots of phone calls. Does he cope with unexpected noise, movement etc? How does he react? Does he complain about waking in the night? Is that one of the reasons you are considering night weaning?

I think you will look back and kick yourself at trying so hard to make things easy for him when he is doing nothing of the kind for you. He may be the sort of bully who backs down when confronted and gets much nicer? I hope that you don't have to do this as it will take energy you don't have, and you certainly shouldn't have to, but a bit of standing your ground might actually make you feel better?

"If I hadn't had H to do it, I think I would have just kept settling him "my way" because it was the quickest, easiest way for me to do it."
I'm the same as blackcurrants - I had 3 babies who wouldn't sleep through till 1yr and I struggled to night wean all of them. As soon as they were eating enough solids during the day and slept through close enough to all night through it was DH's turn to do the night wakings!

How is your relationship with your mum. Can she be in your corner? Would she be able to help you out for a week? Then you can say to mil, thanks for the offer but mum is coming to give me a break.

I agree with everyone else saying you need to do what you need to do to survive right now. Sleep when you can, tell dh he has to buck up or ship out. Get the rest you need to grab hold of the reins again, once you are back at your best you'll be able to see the wood for the trees.

Relate can help, but only when you are in the right place.
I wish you all the best.

Thanks to blackcurrant, donttrythis.. and all of you for taking time to post. I find it really helpful to go back to the thread and re-read when I get a minute. I have taken advice on board and feeling a bit stronger.

Yes DH is a man child and hasn't done anything much to practically help with baby but they absolutely adore each other. I can't say he's a bad father in that he LOVES our baby to pieces and he works very hard to provide for us. I think he is a crap husband lately. We didn't used to be like this. When I worked (and in the past have financially s upported him when he was out of work) it was more a partnership of equals. I think we are finding it hard adjusting to the change in our roles. I do still work part-time but I only do this during term times. I earn quite a bit for the few hours I do so I do contribute financially, but DH doesn't really appreciate this I don't think.

Things have been better since I posted the other day. The constructive row we had the other night seems to have got through to DH a bit. He has been emptying the dishwasher again (seems petty but its a help to me ) and this was the only thing he used to do house wise and he stopped doing even that for ages. The other big thing was that baby actually slept from 11 - 6am the night before last, in his cot! I was over the moon. He has done this a couple of times and so I know he can get there.

MIL is away until next week. I'm accepting that she will come to baby's birthday but I have said I don't want any guests for the weekend on top of doing the party so if she wants to come she will have to stay with her other son. Feel sorry that is putting on DH's SIL but I think it's a fair compromise.

The more I think about it, the more I think MIL's offer of help is all about her. I know it is. She wants to be more involved and if she thinks she isn't visiting as much as she'd like because I don't want visitors at the moment because baby isn't sleeping, then she wants to 'fix it' so she can get what she wants. I am very happy for baby to see his nanna, got no problem with it at all, I just don't want to be controlled, scrutinized and analysed and 'managed'. Thanks to the poster who said their exILS were also counsellors. I found that interesting that you had similar experience.

I don't want to give the impression that DH doen't care for our baby's welfare. He absolutely does. It is just he will contradict whatever I say. So if I want raincover on then he'll complain. I think he takes it as criticism of him as a parent. I know I am a perfectionist and this is hard to live with too. I just think my job is to be baby's main carer and DH hasn't been very hands on so he doesn't know how to look after him. I hope that doesn't sound patronising. I am just being realistic. I try to tell him about what baby needs as it is important if I end up ill or whatever, then DH has to be able to step in, but as I say, he doesn't take info from me at all just now.

Anyway, baby steps....DH has been a bit better this week. When I feel stronger I can handle MIL better too. Fingers crossed baby's sleep night before last wasn't just a blip and it's heading in the right direction. Last night went a bit to pot but probably down to me not having energy. I think I need to pay attention to making sure I get an early evening nap myself perhaps.

Believe me, you are always going to feel awful in these early days if you are not getting enough sleep. I always used to notice how much stronger and more capable I felt when I'd just managed to get three or four hours unbroken sleep!

Please don't doubt yourself - you can do this. You need to put yourself and your baby first, then the rest just has to fall into place. It's a massive adjustment and there really are no rules! I think you sound incredibly wise and understanding.

Do follow your instincts with this, and get plenty of sleep. Best of luck, hopefully you'll find a way. Frankly those first weeks/months - even years - are a proper befuddled blur (that's my experience!) and you will look back and wonder how you ever survived it. But you will!

I'd say, carry on doing what you're doing, you sound insightful and capable. It's a real worry when your OH is way behind the curve, but they do tend to be! Just keep asserting yourself, calmly and confidently. You do know what you're doing, even if you don't feel confident about that yet! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

You sound very strong and clear even though you are sleep deprived. You're doing a brilliant job under a lot of pressure.

And you're earning £ too? Perhaps you should be a bit more blunt with your dh and remind him how you supported him in his hard times, how your life has been turned around with your baby and what exactly you expect from him.

Wrt the night feeds, it's up to you. Your choice - I fed in the night until my dcs were 2. But I made sure I slept in the day. Nobody can carry on regardless without grabbing that sleep.

Your mil sounds like trouble to me. Keep her at a distance and I would never tell her anything personal. What an utterly bizarre idea to bring an Alzheimer's patient to a house where there is a new baby and a very tired parent.

Agree with other posters about what a cracking job she's done raising her own son . You don't want 2 of them around undermining you about obvious stuff like rain covers on a buggy.

Can you afford a cleaner btw?

Re your DH, men with Overly controlling mothers tend to grow up into man boys. Maybe relate would be a good idea.

oh god....knew it was coming. Just had the email to ask if I'd thought about her offer. Feel really stressed out now. :(

'Dear MiL

Yes that is very kind of you to offer but everything is fine so it is not necessary

Thank you

Love Stressed & bubs'

Yes, do what Xales said.

"Having thought about it, No - thank you.
Lots of love,
Stressed."

Well you can write exactly what you want on an email (well, nearly!) then it's there in black and white for her. Take a bit of time to think of a sentence you're happy with, send then forget about it.