MIL wants to 'help' but has agendas.LONG, sorry.

[StressedNotSupported]

Where to start. I've name changed as this is delicate. Some background...

I have a DS of almost 1 year. It has been without a doubt the hardest year of my life. I love my son with every bit of my heart unreservedly but my relationship with DH has become strained I'd say almost to breaking point. He was unsupportive during hard pregnancy and birth and I think just can't cope if I need him rather than vice versa. He is a man child. I knew this when I met him but I guess now I have an actual child, I need him to grow up which is harsh but true.

I am exhausted with DS who is bf and still awake several times a night. He is cutting a bunch of teeth just now too.

DH's family are making things harder. DH's bro lives near us. MIL lives a long way away. BIL has a little boy a couple years older than our DS and MIL has been very involved with them. MIL expects same with us. I am happy for her to be involved as a normal grandma but I feel her attitude goes beyond normal.

On top of this, mIL is a psychologist and counsellor and can't seem to switch this off. I find her manner intrusive and she is very controlling. This is backed up by sil who ended up at relate with BIL saying there were 3 of them in their marriage and the 'other woman' was his mum. Generally tho I think she has a more stable relationship with MIL. They have more in common, more history and I think, she is more willing to, and sorry for this phrase, kiss MIL's ass.

DH will often speak and I can hear her words coming out. No doubt about it.

I don't dislike MIL, it is more that I don't trust her. We get on for a while but then, out of nowhere, she will turn. Again, SIL has said she has this ability to take one's breath away in an instant with things she will come out with.

I could go on all day, it is very complex and I hope I am making sense.

So yesterday she rang for a 'chat' which is not that common. I was a bit stressed anywyay yesterday as I'd had phone call after phone call (literally, put phone down, it rings again) and DH was get very fractious. On top of this, I am soooo tired from sleep deprivation. Anyway, we have a brief chat, skim over how I'm doing and how she is going (as she has had recent health probs). Leave it at that. Then 4 hours later, just as I'm doing baby's tea, she rings back. Said she's been thinking about what's going on all afternoon and that she could come and help. She isn't busy and could come and stay for a week. But I would need to let her help and she would take over the nightime wakings and she would then sleep in the day. Said somebody needed to take charge of the situation. I'm paraphrasing but amongst other things she asked how many times I was still bfding, said she was frustrated that we hadn't been to relate about our marriage, suggested I go to the GP for depression, etc etc.

Now, an offer of help is nice but I felt totally sidestepped. I was dealing with baby crying for his food and I was exhausted by 5pm yesterday and I ended up in tears on the phone as I couldn't cope with that level of intrusion. I said I would think about it and she said that we will talk again about this.

Now I don't think it is up to her to tell me when to stop breastfeeding or how to tackle night wakings esp with baby who is teething. Add to this her DH (not my DH's father ) has alzeihmers and she'd bring him with her, so I'd have him to 'look after' during the day as well as baby and dog, whilst she sleeps having done the night shift with my baby. I'm not comfortable with any of this. I don't feel our relationship is built on enough trust. I feel undermined.

I am willing to consider that she genuinely wants to help but actually I don't believe this. I think this is more about her wanting some control and input over how I raise my child. She has recently suggested we go away for weekend and she'd come and look after baby. Again, not unappreciated, but it's up to me when I feel ready to leave him.

But and this is the big but, DH and I had a big row last night which was quite constructive in the end and it turned out that between the two phone calls yesterday afternoon, MIL had rung DH at work to ask him why she hadn't been invited up for DS's 1st birthday. So basically this is all about her and I d on't want to give her any 'control'. I don't even want to have any deep meaningfuls with her. IMO she misuses her professional skills in a family situation.

I feel very stressed by offer of 'help' and upset that she has now hijacked baby's 1st birthday making it about her.

I am not sure what I'm asking really. How to say no without causing world war 3? SHoudl I say no to her 'helping' when it means her deciding I should night wean my baby?

Hi there

I should probably name change for this but what the hell... if family read it then ho-hum.

First off please say no to your MIL - it won't help. What will help is your DH stepping up and helping you with the childcare. You don't even need to tell MIL this, it's none of her business and she doesn't need to be involved. Your husband and you are the only ones who need to talk and if that needs to be through a counsellor then so be it.

I have a fairly similar situation RE having a child who still feeds at night (He's 18 months) and a relationship which up until recently went through a very bad patch because of all the having a baby issues and also other issues to do with family stuff which got way out of control.

I can totally sympathise but what I really think you don't need is your MIL becoming involved in your relationship. Counselling maybe (We were going to at one point) but not from a family member and certainly not from your husband's family. She may genuinely think she can help but it is not her place to tell you when or how to night wean and you really do have to say no. I realised that some of my DH's family knew more about what was going on in our relationship than I thought and from that moment on I determined not to say or do anything which would give them any kind of insight into out trouble or make them ask my DH questions. Things have improved.

I would be explicit and tell her that you can understand that she thinks she can help but you know that it would be the wrong thing for you and DH's relationship. Sounds like you are getting through to your husband that you need some support with the childcare, in my experience that does make things a lot easier. You don't need MIL's help for this - you need his and by the sounds of it you are heading in the right direction.

Also - can you think about why you are still breastfeeding? It's not happened by accident, presumably it's something you want to do and good for you. I needed to get it straight in my head that I shouldn't ever feel ashamed or annoyed about something I chose to actively do and sod anyone who thought I should be. So now, rather than worry about what other people think I tell myself that I am doing this because I want to and that's just fine by me. So my baby still feeds at night, so what? So it makes me tired and irritable, well one day it will stop but right now this is how I want to parent.

I really do think that speaking positively about why you are choosing to parent in that way, to people who are critical or think it is a problem, is a much better approach than apologising or talking it down. Be proud and loud about it - that way they don't have you on the back foot.

and I agree.. a one line email saying thank you but no thanks we don't need the help is exactly how you should respond.

Seize on the offer of "help" and pretend it means "do whatever you'd find helpful" rather than "use your need for help to get my own way".

"Thank you very much for your kind offer of help. I've been having a think about exactly what we would find helpful at the moment, and the thing that would ease the burden on us the most, would be not to have to cope with guests on Baby's birthday. I know how much you want to help us, so I'm sure you'll understand if we don't invite you to visit us then."

You could grab the chance to get a few more things in too -

"Dh would also appreciate it if you didn't phone him at work; we were a little confused as to why you needed to phone both of us alternately the other day."

Thanks guys. I've just bitten the bullet and replied. I have done thanks but no thanks but with a softener of...'what would be helpful would be perhaps if we could come see you for a long weekend for a nice change of scene & I could get a rest then', so then if she is feeling like she wants more time with baby then maybe this will help?

we have a counsellor in our family too - who counsels with out being asked - she cant help it and is always anaylsing but she gets loads of things wrong! so annoying!

BTW my family memeber who is a counsellor also has three totally obscure troubled *ucked up adult children!

that sounds perfect, feel free to delay that long weekend for a couple of months so you can get mentally prepared.

"what on earth does his mother know? She hasn't raised him right, or he wouldn't be like this, would he? Therefore she knows nothing."

This is quite right. If she ever knew anything, she's forgotten, because if she could remember any of it she wouldn't be treating you like this.

She sounds like a completely utterly horrific nightmare of a mil and I would not have her staying over. Tell her anything that will keep her away. Your husband is an idiot, sorry.

Well done Stressed - perfectly reasonable. Hope you get a bit of peace for a little while at least!

Think I've ridden the storm. Going to her to visit so 'that I can have a rest' though I think we both know that isn'nt the real reason! It would be nice if we could be honest but I don't think she can take it as well as dishing it out. I know that she must be lonely what with her DH's health. I do feel for her but then sometimes it is hard to be compassionate when she causes me so much stress! ho hum. Thanks everyone for your help. It has really helped me to offload and to garner some opinions on how to deal with this. Esp eliza and the other poster who also have to deal with unwanted counselling in their families. I think we should form a support group! ;)

Fwiw, stressed, I think you have dealt with this in a kind and thoughtful way (some might say more so than she or her son deserves) and you should get some kind of daughter-in-law medal :)

Ha Ha blackcurrants I don't think I'll EVER win one of those! I do try and be understanding but she really doesn't make it easy.

I THOUGHT I had ridden the storm but she has to push it. So I had emailed to suggest dates (I need to organise seeing MY family too so it's all juggling), she emailed back to say a weekend wont' be long enough, I replied to say I meant a long weekend arrive fri and leave monday, which I agreed with DH and I am as she replied tonight that she had discussed it with DH and that isn't long enough. Why don't we come day earlier. "DH is up for it" she said. So that's a full 5 days away. TOOOOO Much for me right now.

I am peed off as I'm only going to smooth things over. We've been fairly recently and we see her much more than my family. I want to go see my family as I haven't seen my brother since Easter. I won't get anywhere near 5 days with them and I have lots more people to fit in on my visits.

I am sick of feeling stressed by her. I raised it with DH and he just got cross as he was tired after work. I am fuming she thinks it is ok to phone my DH behind my back and manipulate him into getting what she wants. Anyway, I've put my foot down and said no, we're doing what we agreed in first place. 5 days is too long for me. I feel like she just wants to control my DH and somehow muscle in on me and my baby too. It's beyond being a 'normal' grandmother. It's TOO MUCH.

I can't win can I ? I have a lifetime of this if I stay with DH and if we are worn down to the point I can't take it, then I'll loose half my time with my baby boy which I can't bear. If we did go down that route then she'll then be able to influence my boy all she likes without me being there and I don't want her manipulating him and filling his head with crap like she has my DH. No wonder he is screwed up.

Ohhh sorry for ranting off again. I thought I'd got through this stress but here it is again. I now have to reply yet again and she'll be angry. AND she is muscling in on my baby's birthday this weekend and here I am feeling upset and stressed about her instead of enjoying it. She'll be dominating time with him when she comes on his birthday too. It's not on. :(

You need to start putting your foot down hard. And it's with your H, I'm afraid, not your MIL. Your MIL can be taught the boundaries but you BOTH need to enforce them.

Have you talked about how it makes you feel? Not "You do X and it's awful" or "your mum does Y and she's a caaah*" but "Listen, H, when you change plans with your mother without talking to me about it, I feel like you don't think what I want or how I feel matters. I feel like you're not taking my needs into account. I feel like you're putting my emotions as secondary to your mother getting her way. Can you tell me why it happens?" - how do you think he'd react to that?

I don't think I'm a huge 'leave the bastard' yeller, but really, she wouldn't have the power to make you unhappy if he didn't make it possible.

• Even though, evidently, she is a caaah!

"Actually I've had enough of you manipulating us and trying to control us. This is TOO MUCH. I've changed my mind. We won't be coming to visit and you are no longer invited this weekend."

Go on, do it quick while you're fuming. She is going to be angry whatever you do, so you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

The only way to stop this is to show both MIL and DH that you won't accept it, and that there are consequences to their behaviour.

You tried be nice, you tried meeting her halfway, and it didn't work. Time to take the gloves off.

You say your dh got cross - did you get cross back? Did you let him see how you feel, or are you suppressing it all with him?

Yeah, What Bertha said. Bloody well do it and let the fireworks fly. Time to set some boundaries, and your H needs a big shaking wake-up call about who he's married to and who his family is.

Thanks blackcurrants This didn't used to be an issue and me and DH USED to be close. He used to get peed off with her telling him what for all the time, but then I got pregnant and very ill and I wasn't able to help him with his problems and she got right in there again. It's been the biggest strain ever having our little boy though we both love him more than life. We're no where near back on track though I think we love each other still. It's like some mad power struggle between me and MIL but that's horrible for him. It's not right though that she causes this strain. The difficulty is being able to find time to talk to him. He literally comes home, eats his dinner, plays with baby then goes on the computer where he works all night. He is so tired all the time and so am I from doing 99% of the childcare.

I just put foot down tonight and then left it as he was getting cross and stressed. So I guess I have to do the replying to MIL but it's going to cause no end of grief. I don't want to discuss this crap on baby's birthday. No matter what I do, it isn't enough. Unless she gets entirely her own way she kicks off. She's basically a bully.

in your reply you can agree that DH can stay an extra day but you will be taking DC home as planned.

oops sorry--arriving as palnned

Thanks bertha but I honestly can't cope with such a major upset. It'd be world war 3. a) I don't want to remember baby's 1st birthday as being a massive row and b) dh and I are not close enough right now for him to back me and not his mother. I can't imagine how bad it would make things between us if I took such a hard line. I find this crap just exhausting. It's just not me. I don't manage confrontation like this. I find it soooo stressful. SHE on the other hand, does nothing BUT confrontation. ARGH!

that's exactly it, Stressed, she's a bully and I'm afraid with bullies you only have two options: put up and be walked all over, or stand up and fight.

I don't say one option will be easier than the other, but the first option leaves you always ready to be bullied, the second one sometimes makes a bully stop being a bully.

It's so hard, though, and I don't think you should have to be doing this. It's wrong. What if you did what Doha said? it would send a good signal that she and DH can plot as much as they like, but YOU are doing what YOU said, and your LO is coming with you...

She doesn't get access to the grandchildren without you, btw. That's how mothers get shafted by their MILs for good.

Keep it short and sweet again

'Dear MiL

AS I let you know before we will be coming the days I told you. The other days are inconvenient for me. (If you want to add that your H did not check with you before agreeing go for it.)

We will be arriving sometime mid-morning/afternoon/evening on x day and planning to leave around on x day.

If this is not acceptable to you let me know and we will not come/will arrange to come x date. X date being later than when you have planned to go so you are letting her know you have your Dc and you have the power to stop her from seeing them unless she gets her act together and is decent.

We are looking forward to seeing you

Love

Stressed'

If she goes ape, simply repeat you will be arriving on X and leaving on Y.

If you have to lie and say you have an appointment with the HV/Dr/local monster raving loony party MP that day.

Your DH needs to stand up for you now and be firm with his mother.

Give him the choice that either he speaks to her or you will be sending a very blunt e-mail to her.

Be strong and remember you hold the little trump card. It is not in your MIL's interest to upset you. She is trying it on and you need to call her bluff.

I would email back and say "Just to confirm we will be coming on...at... and leaving on...around (time)ish". I hear what you say but this is the arrangement which will suit us best. Many thanks and look forward to seeing you".

Don't rise to the bait, just state what you are prepared to do, as your are entitled to.

Please don't worry.

Can I recommend the book "A Woman in your Own Right" by Anne Dickson. I think it will help you with techniques etc. You can get used copies really cheap on Amazon.

Good luck - you are doing really well.

Oh, and just tell your DH what you will do - and that it suits you better - and just keep repeating that this is what you want, and your needs and your baby come first.