What to do?

[yellowraincoat]

OK, well I'm starting a new thread since the old one got a bit fighty. Not sure why, but now I just need some support and advice on what to do.

Looks like my relationship is over. Things have been bad for a while. I can more or less accept it's over.

I am meant to start university in September. It's a really stressful course and I am worried about how I'll cope anyway. Not having my partner will make it so much more difficult.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I've accepted that, I'm having therapy and I think I am making improvements. But my self esteem is rock bottom, I've spent years floundering, in and out of employment, not really achieving what I could have, I guess.

My instinct is to run to my parents (even though I don't get on with them too well - they are out at work all day and I could hide from the world). It would mean quitting my job (which is only for another month anyway as it's temporary). But as I'm moving for university, I feel it wouldn't make too much difference. I don't want to spend a month in my partner's face. The thought of going to work tomorrow is terrifying.

I'm sure that's true. My gran was an extremely flawed individual, but cared absolutely about my happiness. I'm grateful for that, and still think about her daily. (If I believed in heaven, I'd be imagining bunch of mad old birds perched together on a cloud, encouraging all us wayward granddaughters!)

A letter saying who your grandmother was; where she lived; that she raised you from the age of X to Y; that you were very close and greatly distressed by her fatal illness, would be enough I should think. You were only 17 and what you did was very normal for a teenager suffering their first close bereavement.

If you're willing to get your therapist involved, you could go on to say how your subsequent grief evolved into MH disorder afterwards and you're much more stable now, thanks to treatment with Ms Psychologist who is willing to provide documentation ... but I tend to think that might be over-egging the pudding. Truth is best if it's good enough, and you basically have two 'truths' here which are both compelling in their own right.

I'm thinking I've over-complicated this post. Need to leave to computer so sending anyway. Hope it does make sense

It does make perfect sense, garlic and I want to thank you so much for your help. You have calmed me a lot and given me a good idea what to write.

Going to go and write and send that letter now. Thanks again.

How has your day been yr? Did you send your letter?
I understand what you mean about not wanting to "use" the death of your Gran. I had similar when my mum died just before my school exams. The school wanted me to be given special allowances or something (it was a long time ago). I hated the thought. But shit happens, they aren't excuses, they are at least part of the reasons our lives took a certain path.
I am sure your Gran would be willing you to go to University and do well. So do it, and do it anyway you have to. x

Yellow, you made my day! Thank you. I hope your letter turned out satisfactory :)

Hi guys,

I wrote the letter and sent it! I basically used your template garlic, so thanks for that!

So I've now done everything bar the reading and of the reading, there really isn't as much as I'd thought. Now I just have to wait to see if a. I get my "fitness to teach" thing and b. I get the loan. Everything is out of my hands and I feel quite calm. Oh and find a flat, but there's no point thinking about that til I've done a and b.

Elephants, thanks for your words, it's nice that someone else gets what I mean.

yay, yellowraincoat! :)

Hi, Yellow, I wondered how your weekend was panning out?

Hi garlic,

His friend is over, so things have been quite calm and my partner's been really affectionate actually. More so than for ages so it is quite nice. Struggling to think of a bday present for him (his 30th is next week) although I have a couple of ideas. It's hard when you're not feeling close and when we have so many problems.

Feeling much calmer about university though. I've done all I can.

Thank you for asking, it's very sweet of you! And ladyWordy too.

Hi to all, I just wanted to update this.

A week after I applied, my loan/fees for university have been approved! So they accepted my letter about my gran's illness and I'll get the money before I start at university.

The only thing I'm waiting for now is for my medical clearance and I will be able to relax, knowing that I'm off to university in a month!

Yay! Brilliant news! Have you started flat hunting yet? How are things with DP?

Oh, I forgot that part. I also got a room in halls! So everything is coming together.

Things are ok-ish with my partner. It's his birthday this week and it's a little hard thinking of nice things to do for him while there is still bad feeling between us. But it's ok, for the most part.

Great news on the halls. That must be a weight off your mind. Glad things aren't too bad with DP, but main thing is that you concentrate on yourself at the moment. I am very excited (and slightly envious truth be told) for you going off to University. I really hope it all works out. You will keep us updated won't you? x

Of course I will!

I'm just a bit worried about the medical clearance thing, you have to have this "fitness to teach" thing and it's been 2 weeks almost since I sent it and it's still got a question mark over it on the website.

I'm going to email and see if everything is ok.

ah, great update yellowraincoat! So pleased you got the loan and very excited for you!!
And as Elephants said, the main thing is to concentrate on yourself. There are exciting times ahead...

Just wanted to update again. I'm not about much at the moment, watching a lot of Olympics and trying to live in the real world.

Still waiting for the medical clearance but just emailed them and will hopefully hear back soon.

We had a big party on Saturday for his birthday and a lot of people came. It was nice, as I've been really unsociable recently so it was nice to have a full house, chat and feel normal.

My therapy was interesting yesterday. We spoke about my relationship and she said he sounded like he was afraid of committing. We thought about the reasons, whether it's because of my illness, or his fear of being left. Whatever, I know that things can't continue as they are with our relationship. I need more commitment - happy to let things slide a little when I'm at university, but I'm not staying in a relationship where I'm not sure what's going on most of the time. I feel comfortable with that.

She suggested we go to relationship counselling. I am thinking about it.

That's it really.

Thanks for the update

I don't have any great words of advice, but you definitely sound stronger and more focussed on your future (with or without him).

Did you manage to speak to your counsellor about where you can access similar when at University?

Hope you hear re the medical clearance soon.

PS the Olympics are great aren't they? I'm loving it. x

Living in the real world is the best way to go, yellow :) So don't worry about MN, we are here if you want us.

You do sound much stronger and clearer in your mind. I do hope your med clearance comes through soon.

• I always say I'm uninterested in the Olympics... then love it when it's on!

He's being an utter tosser.

I suggested we do some Olympic stuff today, we live in London and everything I've done so far has been on my own. About 7PM he texts to say what are we doing then disappears for an hour and a half to talk to his boss. I said I'm making something. Comes back at 9 and when I say what happened he's like "oh I thought you didn't want to do anything." I said "you're back late" and he said "not really."

So now nine is not late. In the two years we've lived together, it's ALWAYS been "oh in a month work will ease off" and it NEVER does. Never.

He's now made dinner for himself, not me.

I am sick of him.

I'm sorry to hear it yellow. He's cast a pall over your day when he should light it up.

I hope you do get to do something Olympic, with or without him?it's such a rare opportunity.

Your counsellor said he's afraid to commit, but I'm wondering about the gaslighting, and being so slow to get your meds for you when you were poorly. And dinner for one? You've so much love to give, but it doesn't sound as if you get much back really.

Dinner for one? Did he not talk to you before making his dinner?

I haven't read the back story here so only have this thread to go on but he sounds sort of dismissive. Saying 9 isn't really late is dismissing your feelings and by most people's standards 9pm is late to be home. Unless you are on shifts or work in hospitality.

It doesn't sound like you two are really getting along well at all. He doesn't sound happy and neither do you.

Hey guys, just a really quick update as I'm leaving for work.

I got my medical clearance and I'm off to university!

HURRAH!

Yes! You're on your way, yellowraincoat....
Lots of wonderful, new people to meet at college as well...

Yay!

Wow, so much to look forward to and a bright future ahead.

Sorry if I'm speaking out of turn here but I think that once you move to University and start your course, you won't struggle so much with the idea that your relationship is coming to its end.

Have a fabulous weekend