What to do?

[yellowraincoat]

OK, well I'm starting a new thread since the old one got a bit fighty. Not sure why, but now I just need some support and advice on what to do.

Looks like my relationship is over. Things have been bad for a while. I can more or less accept it's over.

I am meant to start university in September. It's a really stressful course and I am worried about how I'll cope anyway. Not having my partner will make it so much more difficult.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I've accepted that, I'm having therapy and I think I am making improvements. But my self esteem is rock bottom, I've spent years floundering, in and out of employment, not really achieving what I could have, I guess.

My instinct is to run to my parents (even though I don't get on with them too well - they are out at work all day and I could hide from the world). It would mean quitting my job (which is only for another month anyway as it's temporary). But as I'm moving for university, I feel it wouldn't make too much difference. I don't want to spend a month in my partner's face. The thought of going to work tomorrow is terrifying.

Thank you nologo. I don't know, maybe I didn't explain myself well on that thread, maybe I came across as really ungrateful. I don't really know. Maybe I just got too wound up and some people jumped on that. I just felt like I was having to justify every single thing and really, this all happened within the space of a couple of hours so it was a bit bewildering.

yellow - starting college unencumbered by a boyfriend is a big advantage.

If ever there is a time in your life when you want to be single, this is it.

You are about to meet so many people, make so many new friends, learn so much new stuff, have so many new experiences that it would be quite a challenge to a good relationship.

A bad one with a man who makes you doubt yourself is just not what you need at such an exciting time of your life.

It's only fear making you want the crutch of a relationship when you start. You'll be better off doing this alone.

Have you looked into short-term sublets? Summer is a good time to look for rooms for a few weeks at a time.

Sorry about your last thread. I know I made it worse by wading in, but some people were being so foul to you I just got cross.

Do you have any friends who could put you up nearby? Does it have to be a choice of leaving your partner to go to your parents?

If you've got nice friends around, maybe you could sofa-surf for the next few weeks, instead? I wouldn't feel it an imposition if a friend needed a bed in this sort of situation - if their relationship was the frying pan and their parents might be the fire. And with the uni starting, I'd know it was finite, like.

AThing, no you didn't make it worse. It was nice to feel that people were on my side, I felt really grim that people were being so obnoxious.

I'm doing teacher training, it's only a one year course and it's so much work. I'm terrified. I'm so scared I won't cope, I really don't need a break up on top of this.

I would do a sublet normally, but as the Olympics are on, prices are sky high. Everyone's trying to make some cash out of it, which I can understand, but it does mean that there's basically no rooms that I could afford.

No friends that I could stay with really :( I know that sounds crap and self-piteous but I've really struggled to maintain friendships the last few months. No one has room really anyway.

This sounds like a stupid question: should I tell my manager about this? She's lovely and I feel like work is going to be such a struggle the next few days. Would it be weird to tell her that I'm having some problems? I don't know her that well.

Out of curiosity how old are you yellowraincoat?

As you'll only be at work for 3 hours tomorrow, I would suggest you try and get through that time without telling your manager you've got problems.

Think of it as a useful exercise in self-discipline that may begin to build your resolve and self-esteem.

Wherever possible, you're best advised to keep your personal and professional lives separate by not allowing your personal problems to spill over into work time.

Save the talking for your counsellor - it may be that if you were to move in temporarily with your dps she can offer you phone sessions.

I'm 29.

I don't mean spilling my guts to my boss. I mean mentioning that I'm not feeling great. I know it's not a great idea. I know. I only do one hour a week with my therapist and I've really no one else.

yellow, have seen a couple of threads go to ?? recently, started to wonder if it was full moon or something.

Let's say people have a variety of motivations for posting, in any forum.

Re your manager, it's absolutely your call, but IMHO there is no great harm in saying you're a bit off-colour but have decided to come in anyway. You can just leave it at that. Or say nothing.

However, just turning up will be a triumph for you, as you said earlier you weren't really sure. Baby steps is good. Just one at a time.

You may think you've only got your therapist but you're forgetting about all here who'll get behind you and support you 24/7.

The thing about here is though that I am worried about posting. I feel scared and vulnerable posting. I don't with my therapist. I know that she's not going to say horrible things to me or get pissed off with my anger.

Also, it's face to face. I don't interact with people outside work and my partner. So it's nice just to have someone who I can see talking to me.

It is nice to have here though.

God, sorry, I've made myself cry. I'm 29 and the only support I have is the internet and someone I have to pay. I'm really crap amn't I?

Nope. You're not crap at all. You're in good company with others who sometimes find life a struggle and who take time to find their feet, so to speak, socially and professionally.

But, unlike many others who throw in the towel before they've used it to dry themselves, you've taken the first steps and now all you need to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Hey yellow.

Please, PLEASE don't feel scared about posting here. It is highly unusual for a thread in Relationships to go the way yours did. I hope you have hidden the thread now?

I really agree with whoever it was upthread who said that you may find things get easier once you are away from the boyfriend. Have you heard from him at all?

The thing is I don't know if I can keep going. I feel horrible. I've felt horrible for so long, I don't even know what it's like to feel ok.

Shirley, he's just come back. He was out for ages.

We spoke earlier about the tickets. He said he hadn't LIED that they were free. He just hadn't told me the truth. And that he wanted to buy them but they had sold out. And that I was selfish for only wanting bought tickets.

Then we spoke for a bit and he stormed out. That was at 5 or so. He's just come in now.

not got any great words of wisdom, but sorry you had an undeserved pasting on the other thread.

Re:manager - if you feel up to saying you've had cystitis at weekend and feel a bit wobbly, maybe do that, or if not, hang tight till you talk things through with your therapist on Tuesday.

You can keep going, of course you can!

Your life is about to change in amazing ways - a really exciting new chapter, you're going to make lots of new friends at university, you're going to be learning about something that (I presume) you're interested in and so you'll feel engaged and happy, even if it's hard work!

Take the opportunity to speak to your boss tomorrow and let them know that you're having some personal problems (you don't need to say, anything more than this) and if I were you I'd hand my notice in and go home to my parents to recharge before you start your course.

So he's claiming it's a sin by omission? In my book, that's a fancy phrase for a lie and he's a tight git.

"He said he hadn't LIED that they were free. He just hadn't told me the truth."

I think that tells you everything you need to know about this man's relationship with honesty.

He's not trustworthy.

"And that I was selfish for only wanting bought tickets."

And he attacks you to deflect from his dishonesty.

yellow You can go on Your life is about to open up in so many ways. New course which will lead to all sorts of opportunities, new people, new experiences.
This relationship has been causing you headaches for a while, maybe it is time that you concentrate on you. The next year is going to be full on, focus on that. Will you be able to continue to see your counsellor when you start your course?
I really think going home to your parents to rest and recharge is the best thing.
And in a years time, we will all cheer for you when you have completed your course.

I have so much stuff to do before university. I don't know if I can do it to be honest. So many forms to fill, don't have a flat yet, don't have my loan...I honestly don't know if I can do it.

We've just had a big row which ended in me crying and begging him not to split up with me :( It's horrible. I know it's impossible to understand. He's being horrible yet I don't want him to leave. It's pathetic really.

I can't see my counsellor, cos I'll be in a different city.

Right, I understand it all seems so overwhelming at the moment. But you can do it. You need to write a list (no matter how long) of all that you need to do before your course starts. It is easier to see what needs to be done when it is written down.

Can your counsellor recommend someone more local to your new area?

Not sure I'll be able to afford counselling once I'm at university. I will try to get on a waiting list on the NHS because really it is the only thing that helps keep me on an even keel at all.

I don't know if I can do it. I really don't. I just want to lie in my bed (it's not even MY bed, it's our bed) and cry.

Have a good long cry, and then make Elephant's list.

The university will have counselling services available to you for free.