What to do?

[yellowraincoat]

OK, well I'm starting a new thread since the old one got a bit fighty. Not sure why, but now I just need some support and advice on what to do.

Looks like my relationship is over. Things have been bad for a while. I can more or less accept it's over.

I am meant to start university in September. It's a really stressful course and I am worried about how I'll cope anyway. Not having my partner will make it so much more difficult.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I've accepted that, I'm having therapy and I think I am making improvements. But my self esteem is rock bottom, I've spent years floundering, in and out of employment, not really achieving what I could have, I guess.

My instinct is to run to my parents (even though I don't get on with them too well - they are out at work all day and I could hide from the world). It would mean quitting my job (which is only for another month anyway as it's temporary). But as I'm moving for university, I feel it wouldn't make too much difference. I don't want to spend a month in my partner's face. The thought of going to work tomorrow is terrifying.

You can probably find your uni's counselling service here.

Do you think so, dequoisagitil? I don't know if my old university did. That would be great.

I should make a list. I know. I'm so intimidated by the whole thing. I just want someone to hold my hand the whole time. I'm stupid really, I can't do anything on my own, I always need someone helping me. I'm like a child. I wish I wasn't.

We can (sort of) hold your hand.

Thank you for that dequoisagitil. They do have a service. That would be great. That's a real weight off my mind.

yes, excellent point re:Uni, it will probably be a lot quicker and easier to access their service than GPs tbh. Also Uni's tend to have decent disability support services as well, that might be worth looking into.

Yes, I am going to ask my counsellor about everything. I'm sort of dreading it, I just know I'm going to sit there bawling my eyes out for the whole hour. But it will be good to talk to her.

What a brilliant post, stuffit :) I'm really pleased for you!

Yellow, take up kind offers of help and leave unkind 'offers' in the past, where they belong. I do understand that letting go is extra hard for you, but please know everybody hurts when things change and it's more than okay to feel the pain and cry. YOU WILL NOT DIE FROM THE PAIN, even it feels scary. You WILL GROW from it. It's human experience; it makes you wiser. There's so much more to come, good and bad.

Remember those sayings about how we can't know we're happy unless we've been sad? It's true.

Another very wise favourite of mine; it's from some ancient Chinese philosopher: "Sometimes the only way out is through." It means we can't always get over the obstacle, can't waste time travelling all round it, so go right into it and you'll come out the other side.

It's okay to feel the hurt. And to know there's sunshine on the other side.

Fab post stuffit and really pleased that you're life has turned out so well.
You see, yr, that could be your life, it is there for the taking. Hope you are ok (ish) this morning and make it into work.

stuffit, thank you so much for your offer. You made me cry, really.

And garlic and elephants for support too.

I didn't make it to work today but maybe that's a good thing. I have sent my certificates off, now I need to call the student loan people.

I contacted my mum to say all wasn't well with my partner so at least someone out there knows. And my partner sorted out a phone for me this morning, mine isn't working. So even though he is a dick and probably we'll split up, I do know that he cares. I don't know how we let things get so bad, we used to be so happy.

I also got a cheque from HMRC for £400, tax rebate. That will cover the deposit on a flat.

Will you be able to access at councellor at university? Surely they have a support system in place.

Do you take any medication to help you yellow ?

They do have counselling, it seems a little bit limited (only two days a week I think) but it's something. Having got through this cheque means I might have a little bit of leeway to see someone for a bit privately.

I'm not on any medication at the moment. It's been really hard to find anything that suited me at all, because ultimately the problem is my behaviour and how I react to things.

Would somethibg like Citalopram be beneficial? To take the edge of things?

I think I've tried pretty much every anti-depressant out there. They are not good for me. They make me angry and anxious.

I've spoken to my doctor and they agree that therapy is really the way forward for me. Not that they can actually provide any but it's just very hard to treat BPD with drugs, I think.

Yellow, GREAT news about your tax refund! I don't believe in woo but, if I did, I'd say it's a sign :) Glad your boyfriend got you a phone, too, there's another problem out of the way.

Wrt to keeping yourself on an even keel, I'm assuming you've tried anxiety meds like Citalopram but, if not, how about asking your GP? Also, Yellow, check if there's a Mind near your uni. You could give them a ring, see how they might be able to support you when you move.

Remember you can latch on here if your parents start driving you nuts in between times.
It's going to be good, I can feel it in me water

Oh, x-posted :( Not surprised about the ADs but, dammit.

Yeah, the anti depressant things sucks, but it's ok. I don't like taking medication anyway, and it's never worked so I just don't think about it as an option any more.

I didn't think about Mind, yeah I am going to check if they have one near me.

Thank you so much for your support everyone. I know I must sound like an idiot, but you are so kind.

Idiot? Nah! Just vulnerable.

The thing is I feel like this is all a big lie. You all feel bad for me and you shouldn't because I am so horrible to my partner sometimes. I get so stressed out and I say the most awful things to him about how lazy he is, how pissed off he makes me, how he wants me to be dead, how he can't wait for me to fuck off.

It's really no wonder our relationship is so fucked, when I am so hateful to him.

Well, I can't speak for anyone else but I've done all that. Possibly not with the same underlying causes but, believe me, I know what this feels like. And I know that, where I was being judged and - more to the point - judging myself negatively, what I needed was balanced support. I didn't deserve that much blame; neither do you.

Yellow

Can you get a line from your GP and claim ESA?

My worry is that you leave your job, try to claim JSA and they might not pay if you leave your job voluntarily. Sounds like you are not fit for work at the moment anyway.

I managed to finish my masters when very ill with anxiety. It was surprisingly good for me as I was able to forget my issues when concentrating on something else. I bet study will be great for you too.

Take care and keep posting my love, you are doing good so far..

I don't know if walking away from my job is a good idea. I've taken two days off, and yes, the anxiety is less, but the depression is worse.

I feel awful that in one month I'll have to move and then it might all be over for my partner. We've messed it up so badly :( All those petty fights we had seem so stupid when I think it could be over forever.

Thank you for your messages and support. I am talking to my counsellor today. I'll let you know how I get on.

I hope it goes well, yellowraincoat.

The arguments and problems you described were not petty, because they reveal a worrying side to your partner. A reminder:

He got angry when you asked him if he lied....'like I was being a total bitch.' But he was lying, and that is gaslighting. And gaslighting is a cruel thing to do to anyone, meaner still to do to someone dealing with MH problems, who you are meant to love.

He hurts your feelings with his bluntness. He sees you doubled up in pain but does nothing.

There is nothing petty about this, unless you mean, compared with how he is likely to be in a few years' time (I'm sorry).

I know you have your own problems - but the thing is, everyone has problems, and absolutely no-one deserves that kind of treatment.

I know that's hard to hear, though, so hope you will try to take one small step at a time as you get through this.