What to do?

[yellowraincoat]

OK, well I'm starting a new thread since the old one got a bit fighty. Not sure why, but now I just need some support and advice on what to do.

Looks like my relationship is over. Things have been bad for a while. I can more or less accept it's over.

I am meant to start university in September. It's a really stressful course and I am worried about how I'll cope anyway. Not having my partner will make it so much more difficult.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I've accepted that, I'm having therapy and I think I am making improvements. But my self esteem is rock bottom, I've spent years floundering, in and out of employment, not really achieving what I could have, I guess.

My instinct is to run to my parents (even though I don't get on with them too well - they are out at work all day and I could hide from the world). It would mean quitting my job (which is only for another month anyway as it's temporary). But as I'm moving for university, I feel it wouldn't make too much difference. I don't want to spend a month in my partner's face. The thought of going to work tomorrow is terrifying.

Hope it went well with your counsellor today. x

Hi, Yellow. Wordy's post is good, you know, especially "absolutely no-one deserves that kind of treatment."

I hope counselling was helpful today. How are you feeling?

Hey there yellow, sorry to hear you're feeling so badly.

Just wanted to say that in my experience, when I look back at the boyfriends I wasn't always so nice to -- well, in hindsight, they weren't really that great to me either. It's a lot easier to be nice to people who treat you well.

And, when I started my postgrad course some years back, I'd just broken up with someone. And actually it was the best thing, as I could throw myself entirely into the new course, new friends, there was nothing holding me back. So I think in the end this could be a good thing.

You are 29 and at the risk of sounding patronising, you have so much time to get your shit together When I was 29, well I don't even want to tell you the depths I was at, but it was bad. Eventually I did get it together though and life is pretty grand now. So try to stay hopeful, you will get there.

The best thing you can do to get better though is to try to cut out everything negative in your life, whether that's a partner or a job or whatever. They will keep you stuck in negative behaviour and mental habits, they will suck the energy out of you.

Things really will get better. Just do one day at a time. We're all rooting for ya

I haven't read this whole thread but, having read the other one, I totally get why you are so upset.

I think perhaps you need to be in a relationship with someone who gets loads of freebies (my ex was an A&R guy) to truly understand why that isn't a birthday present.

I will read this thread now. Am hoping for less of a bunfight x

Hi all, thanks for the support. Counselling was good - well, it was hard, but it was good to get stuff out in the open. We talked very generally, but it got a lot of things straight in my head.

I know my partner must seem like an out and out shit, but he's not really. He is not in any way pro-active when it comes to looking after me, and that's something that worries me a lot. When I say he hurts me with his bluntness, I mean that he doesn't sugar coat stuff, and honestly I think that's a good thing for me. He has been so good for me in some ways, pushed me forward when I have said I didn't want to do stuff, encouraged me to go to university, encouraged me to go to therapy. I think he's just really quite immature in terms of relationships. There are so many negative things though and don't worry I'm not losing sight of those.

This year will be good for me. I am going to pull back a lot, I think, and try to reassess our relationship from a distance.

Most importantly though - I'm going to university! I had a little bit of a bad few days, but I feel much better about stuff now. I'm going to keep posting here, I think...you have all been very lovely and I'm so grateful for every single post.

Wow YR You sound so much more positive! You are absolutely right,this year will be good for you, this is just the beginning for you.
I hope you do continue to post. We are all here to help when you struggle (god knows MN has done it for me enough times), to cheer you on and to celebrate each achievement with you

Lovely post yellow. I'm so glad you're feeling positive about university .

Dowagers thanks for saying that you get it. It's hard to not come off as selfish and grasping when you say you don't want free stuff and I think that's why that thread turned into a fight. It was really quite horrible, I was so depressed that day and so many people turned up to tell me how unreasonable I was being. Really, I just wanted people to tell me I'd be ok. Not to say I was in the right or whatever, but just to be a voice of reason.

dreaming I'm glad you think I still have time to get my shit together. It really doesn't feel like it at times but I know that you're right.

Elephants and coco thanks! I feel so much more positive today especially after speaking to my therapist and getting all the support from here. It's nice to know people care.

garlicbutter, thank you...

Hi yellowraincoat, glad it was a good session! Some of the best ones are hard. Sounds like your counseller is quite a gem.

The work is all yours though, and you're doing so well - keep going girl. :)

I think you have to have been there and got the t-shirt so to speak :)

Glad you had a good session with the therapist - I absolutely agree that the tough sessions are the ones you get most out of.

You can do this :)

Hey all,

I am still not back at work. I woke up today feeling dreadful, anxious, shaky.

My boss has just phoned and said that if I like, I can take the rest of the week off and come back on Monday. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm very worried about letting them down, or worse, losing my job (although it's really only for another 3 weeks after this). But the thought of being able to sit and sort university stuff out, get my head sorted is VERY appealing.

My boss is LOVELY. She was so reassuring, promised me that I was very much missed and needed back at school next week but that I sounded dreadful and that I really didn't need to come back til I felt better (I was very general when talking about my illness).

I know I'll spend the next 2 days feeling anxious about my job. But I wonder if taking the week off is a good solution to this.

ah sweetie, you still have sooooo much time to get it together, I promise

I would take the week off. Your boss sounds lovely, she wouldn't offer it if it wasn't a problem, so don't feel guilty about it. Take the week to get some stuff sorted, then try to go back and finish the last couple weeks so you don't have any anxiety about leaving early (although honestly, you shouldn't feel guilty if you do leave early -- things happen, as long as you are nice about it then don't worry).

A lot of anxiety comes from guilt, but really a lot of times guilt is unnecessary. It shows what a good person you are that you don't want to let them down but they will deal with it, they won't hate you, life happens.

Your boss sounds absolutely great, Yellow :) She's stretching out a helping hand. Take it!

OK - Guilt-free time off. Hurrah! Use it to get your thoughts in order and organise the paperwork, etc, for uni. Get some rest, too, and go somewhere nice for a walk or take a swim.

You can thank your boss on Monday, knowing no harm's been done and your life has moved forward a bit more. All the best. x

yellowraincoat, consider seeing the doc if you feel shaky, it could be connected to the bout of illness you had at w/e.
Take care.

OK I am taking the week off. Will be skint (don't get paid if I don't go in) but the time off to recover from another anxiety thing might be useful.

I never thought about the shakiness being related to the cystitis at the weekend. There's a drop in near us, so I might go there tomorrow if I still feel bad.

I have applied for my student finance. Very weird as they're not asking for any financial evidence. However, they ARE asking for "compelling personal reasons" for why I dropped out of university - I'd only done two months of the course and I hated it, so I dropped out and switched to a different university in the next year. I have no idea what I'm supposed to write - I have a feeling that "I didn't like the course" isn't "compelling". Going to work up the energy to phone them again, I was already on the phone to them for 10 minutes trying to get into my account!

Hi well I'm feeling a bit better and working up to calling student finance people. It's really the last thing I need to do, bar joining the library.

I am SO worried that they're going to say that unless I have some sort of cast iron proof as to why I quit university, they won't give me the loan to cover my fees.

Gah. There's just been SO many obstacles to me getting to university.

Well, there are advantages to having a mental health diagnosis ...

"compelling personal reasons"....ugh, I really do not like that finger-wagging, authoritarian tone. "Reasons" would be sufficient in my view, as whether they are "compelling" is entirely subjective; and probably for them to judge anyway.

Puts you off calling them somewhat, or it would me.

Still, saying you disliked the course for X reason, and felt Y would be better suited to your skills/ambitions, seems reasonably compelling to me?

With courses, you cannot try before you buy, and it is a big commitment; so this must happen to students quite often. Good luck :)

I don't know if I want to bring my mh diagnosis into it garlic.

ladywordy - I agree, I hate all that "compelling personal" blah blah.

Anyway, I called them and they were so utterly vague. "Well, send us a letter from a professional who knew your situation" - this was 10 YEARS ago. Also, I was 17, I had no fucking clue, I just left university and didn't go back. No one knew about my situation.

So she said "well, you write us a letter and we'll take a look at it". Ridiculous. Seriously. I'm going to write them a letter and if it's not good enough, I might ask my therapist what she thinks.

It's shit. I don't know what it is they want me to write. And they won't tell me. I have to guess.

It has been such a slog trying to get to university and now it's 6 weeks away and I still don't know if I'll be able to go. No alternative plans. Bah.

Hopefully one thing that will go in my favour though is that they have never had to pay tuition fees for me, because I went through the Scottish system so we had no fees. So my loans were comparatively small.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Yes, I just thought it might be easier to cite MH issues! This is probably a mere box-ticking exercise, in that they won't much care what you write, but it's always best to try and give them what they need. Something like "At the age of 17 I didn't realise that I was developing a mental health disorder, which influenced my decisions at that time. Now aged 29, having received treatment, I realise my teenage impulsiveness was not always in my own best interests. I am fully committed to completing the studies I began blah blah" - might do the trick.

Alternatively you could give them the actual reason why you changed course? I switched courses, too, after six weeks. I had to write a long letter to my local authority about how the classes I attended on the first course had shown me I'd get more out of the second course - which was true.

That's a good point, garlicbutter. I'm going to have a think about it.

Part of the reason I went back was because my gran (who partially brought me up as I didn't get on at all with my mother as a child) was very ill and later died. I don't have a shred of evidence for this though and, even though it's the truth, I feel guilty using this as a reason. I know my gran wouldn't care (she was a game old bird) but, ugh, I dunno. It feels wrong somehow.

It sounds like your Gran would want you to get the funding :)
Would she have advised you to tell the truth? Your truth sounds exactly like a compelling personal reason ...

I spose I'm just worried that they'll then say "well, where's the evidence?" and I don't have any.

Honestly, it's hard thinking about her, cos my life would have been so different if she hadn't died when she did. She was only 66. Maybe it's selfish to only think about her life in terms of my own, but I really miss her and I know that if she'd been alive I wouldn't have gone off the rails quite so much.