Shocked at Dh's past, he needs to distance himself

[pumpkinsweetie]

I have been with my dh for 8yrs, we have 3 dc together & my dd1, whom he has bought up.
Since we have been together, every few weeks he goes into a deep depressive mood that can last days or even up to a week!
Lately he always seems to be like it, most days and it has started to affect our relationship so i have questioned him on why he gets like it, and he has told me his dad beat him as a boy.
His parents have always caused issues for us, basic backstory :mil has insulted my dd1 continually about how she is not her blood!, pil for a year had dh doing their house up every weekend, pil are always askinh for grand gestures of money towards expensive birthday gifts, the last one being an allotment digger thingy that we put £80 towards after being continually harrassed for it, they now want a dh to pay a fith towards a solid gold watch for mil 60th-the watch will cost around £1700 split 5 ways!!, the next is pil constantly buying sil's dcs expensive uniform & clarks shoes when she doesn't spend a penny on my dcs, there are a lot of other things but don't wanna make it too long.
Anyway upon my recent discovery of my dhs past, i now look back on this past year and realise they have been phoning him at work and asking for this money and bragging about what they buy their other gks, not to mention putting him down calling him jellybelly and telling him to lie to me about them phoning me.
We had a long talk last night, and i know he was hit with a belt, thumped, and shouted at when he was a child by his father and we have made a joint decision to cut them out of our lifes as they bring nothing happy to his life.
The thing is he is very scared of his father and his mother does nothing but stick up for fil.
How do we break free from this awful family without causing a show-down iyswim-how do you slowly distance yourself ?
Has anyone managed to break free from an abusive controlling family without too much trouble?
The last thing i want is fil at my door as he scares me also

It's really tough for you, I can't imagine how bad it must be.

I really think you need to force the going to therapy together thing, as others have said you need say "I need help and support to cope with things, I need you to come so you can be part of that as my husband"

when your fil insists on taking your little girl to bedwith him is really concerning me

WHAT? I missed this... Pumpkin, you fight for those kids. You tell him, no matter what he does, they are NOT going to be alone with their GPs - EVER.

I dropped an inlaw because he had shown enough inappropriate behaviour for me not to trust him EVER around my d. They have never met her. What a pity, we are somehow too busy.

And Pumpkin, have faith. One day he will hear you. He isn't doing this out of not caring, he is doing this because he has been TRAINED. And it is very, very hard to stop being paralysed when you have been paralysed all your life, had your life spark literally beaten out of you.

He has to give up on the hope (that they will eventually 'see' him one day) and find the courage to see them as they really are. And that? Is hard.

I do have faith, its just so hard when he decieves me and continues in supporting their odd behaviour.
He told me this morning he gave txt his mum a time inwhich to come round so that i didn't have to wait in all day (he works nights), she apparently text back with "ok", but when i checked his phone this morning he has deleted them which i think is very odd as he hasn't deleted her old messages or anyone elses.
I know i shouldn't snoop but sometimes i have to know whats going on.
Obviously those texts must have contained something he didn't want me to see as he was in a shifty mood this morning.
Pil & sil are coming this afternoon, im really not looking forward to it, at all.
I even have to wake dh before they come so its not as if i can even be late back from my day out which is very annoying.
I think he should set an alarm if he is so intent on seeing them.
Im due to go shopping with my mum this evening, lets hope they don't outstay their welcome as they won't be happy that im taking all the dcs shopping-i do kind of have to get food.
I will let you all know how it goes, hopefully either a quiet affair with no bullying taticts or fil blows up and hopefully it will make dh realise what he is up against.

Lets just hope we can stick to this being only once a month as he was in a bad enough mood knowing their arrival is imminent.

A piece of advice: if pil blows up, secretly record him. That way, when you two go to counselling he can't deny or minimise what they are really like.

Would you be able to get up, take the kids and leave the house? What would be the repercussions of that?

Has pil ever been in jail?

Ive told dh, that if fil blows up im telling him to get the fuck out of my house and if he gets violent i shall call the police whether he likes it or not.
I have 4 dcs, so getting them out fast with his car parked on my drive is a big problem but i will not stand for anymore of his insane behaviour!

Normal situation when pils comes is as follows:
Fil drops mil off, he then pisses off somewhere until early evening then comes in to collect mil, inwhich time he winds dcs up & moans about garden etc or whispers to dh about mils up and coming bday money for watch discussion, then fil leaves with mil and drives home.

He has form for blowing up, last year and mothersday this year being some of the memorable occasions, all over something trivial.

With sil coming at the same time to drop of a card im also getting nervous to why she is coming at the same time as them, especially as it could be dropped through the letter box iyswim.

Only time will tell...........

pumpkin,

your FIL may blow up hundred times in the next week but that wont make any differnce your DH! It hasnt in past - it wont now - he is acclimatised to it.

unfortuanlty I have no faith in your DH sticking to anything after caving in so quickly last time.

are you also 100% sure he isnt moody because he knows a visit from them, no matter how nasty will cause agro from you - and you taking the dc's will cause grief for him with them....

its clearly them he wants to please and pacify - not you...

he may be scared of them etc....but its you he has to live with 100% of the time and whilst he may not be scared of you - its a choice between you morphing into a miserable moaning wife - and short sharp nasty out bursts from DFIL and guilt trips from poor DMIL.....who have trained him from birth to react to them, know how to control him and which buttons to press.

your best card is hte love he has for you - which may get lost in the arguing and agro etc...

id be careful he doesnt just start to view you as being in the way of making his life easier by pacifying these DP.

This is why I think your only route is relate- with the onus purely on you - Dh you may find this acceptable behavour - but I am not used to it - if you dont want to stop seeing them, etcetc, at least come with me to relate to explain to them what your family is like -so they can then help ME deal with your FAMILY!

it does amaze me when you started this thread - you said there were not to come to your house and meet on neutral ground and now your in a situ with them ALL coming to your house!
cant you ask dh why sister is coming to house too?
what on earth are you going to do if they want to have a " chat" with you!

I need to get the money together for relate and find somemore about it aswell as find a babysitter as dh is no way going to want to have dcs whilst i go there.

it will be the best money you have spent - belive me.
the money you would be forced to give for mils watch - use that? or any money for thier xmas presents - dont get any and pay for relate....

you go, fill out a long form - speak to someone about why your there and what you want....they will give you advice there and then, and book you in again, they only take a portion of your income....its usually £50 a session, but they are a charity and if you tell them you are desperate, your income etc etc....they will sort something out for you.

they will help you concentrate on yourself - even asking, why are you so steadfast with a man whose loyalites seem to lie with parents, maybe something in your background is cause....

shore you up, make you stronger nad more able to see the situation clearly.

cant your mum look after DC?

All i know is that she is dropping off a card, dh has said no more.
We had an argument at the weekend over him not coming to his dds bday party.
He put me on the spot with "you see your family", "so i will see mine" card!!
He also said its his house too so he can have who he likes here, tbh im just tired of fighting, so i said well if thats the way you feel you can have them here but only once a month as its my home aswell- basically he was going to leave me if i didn't agree.

as said before its his family he is trying to please not you, is the spark still in your relatiohsip etc? do you stil think he loves you>

he just doesnt seem to value you at the moment = care about how you feel about his parent s- taking it very personally, not on your side at all, and no understanding of his parents odd behaviour as he is so used to it.

your the bad guy and your putting him in a postion where DPIL may scare him.....and also making it a your family is better/worse than mine scenario!

TBH him leaving may be the best thing that can happen to you, in terms of - once he has gone, maybe he will actually miss you and start to value you again....

do you see that he cant see a clear diff between the two families, he is still the little boy controlled by his family and your family with him isnt seperate its just a morph between his and yours....

him leaving may help him see you all more clearly....and then you can lay down rules for his return.....ie - relate but only for your sake not his.

Ive already suggested a break in our relationship but i was threatened with the "if i go im not coming back" routine.

If im honest i think it is just what we both need but i don't want it to be permanent as i love him very much.
Also him leaving, means him staying with his parents which is exactly what i don't want as i'll be sending him to slaughter iyswim

OP you are trying to have logical reasonable conversations with your OH, but it's pointless because his sense of reason and normality is warped!

He is not being very nice to you. WTF is him not minding the kids for an hour for you about?

Ultimately your OH is your problem not your PILs because if he cared about your feelings even half as much as he cares about theirs he wouldn't be letting this fuck up your head and emotions like this! Your PILs behaviour couldn't hurt you if your OH wasn't condoning and allowing it!

You can't chance your PILs, you can't reason and comprimise with your OH at the moment as he doesn't see a problem, to him you are saying all this stuff and laying down these unreasonable rules about perfectly normal loving PILs who just want to see their family, because this is the role you have in the dynamic in his head you cannot be the one to make him see that their behaviour is UR.

It has to come from outside, in our case it happened when I split up with DH for a while and he shared a flat with a friend, when he say that his parent's behaviour was unacceptable and shocking to his flat mate (and neighbours who could hear the racist rantings) then he realised that the problem was in fact his parents and not silly women trying who always try to cause trouble (he split with his ex because she found the behaviour UR too)

But my OH also agreed to councelling, it is crucial, I don't see a positive ending for you if your OH will not do that for you!

"Ive already suggested a break in our relationship but i was threatened with the "if i go im not coming back" routine.

If im honest i think it is just what we both need but i don't want it to be permanent as i love him very much.
Also him leaving, means him staying with his parents which is exactly what i don't want as i'll be sending him to slaughter iyswim"

sending him to his parents would be IDEAL! think about it, he would invite friends round and their reaction would show that it's not just you!
and in his head, all the agro with his parents is BECAUSE OF YOU! with no you there and the agro still happening something might click in that YOU could not be the cause of the problem

he is bullying you, its not just the PILs that are bullying, he is too

I agree totally with silkly, that the best thing would be for him to go back to his parents, sadly sometimes things have to get really bad for people to WAKE UP, like the agadge of the alchololic, they sometimes have to be crawling in the gutter before they say - enough and wake up.

People say all sorts of things and try and make threats but if you have faith in his love for you - it wont turn off after a few nights at his pils.

how would he feel if he moved out- back to their miserable house....

and you - very calm and collected- went to relate - armed yourself with strategies etc....and were seen to be calmly getting on with your life - no drama, no fighting - just getting on raising children....

he doesnt sound like he is being nice and as silky is saying he is also bullying you...you are trying to be nice and putting his feelings first but he is putting his folks feelings first and his own. you are way down the list.

The day went well until..........mil piped up with "that chinese boy has eyes just like x (my eldest dd).
In the past we stopped seeing her due to her pointing out my daughters differences (different bio father), she was warned if she were to do it again contact would be stopped but she said it anyway, my dd is not at all chinese looking and to point out she looks like a boy has insulted her & me.
Dh sat there & said nothing, i said "she looks nothing like him whatsoever" rolled my eyes and sat in silence then i took kids shopping.

I am fuming, i told dh this is not on and i don't care what happens but im stopping all contact, he seems fine about it but i hope it is going to last.
Ive said to him, he can see her however much he wants but me & the kids will not be seeing her.

She has drawn the last straw, pointing out my dd1 is different when she knows no different and comparing her to a boy is absolutely rude beyond belief.
Im raving mad, and quite hurt dh sat there and said nothing

fuming am i being unreasonable to be pissed off?

havent read all of thread but wanted to say, we have managed to cut dh parents from our lifes.
Its taken us years and been very tough but it can be done.
DH mum has serious issues and is paraniod and abusive if you dont do things her way, we have had horrible letters, texts, emails and even middle of the night calls :(
It was clear to dh that his brother was favourite growing up but it wasnt until he was 24 that we discovered the man that raised him wasnt his dad.
They are all about the money and how much they have and how jealous everyone is of them ect ect.
They have seen dd1 about 8 times in her 9 years and met dd2 once in 5 years. When dh was dx with cancer they took a week to come and see him, wouldnt talk to me at all and left and havent been back since.

The final straw was the abuse on fb that his mum kept posting and our concern is the girls and if they had contact that her behaviour would deeply upset them. MIL gets nasty if you dont respond to her straight away, or dont agree with her. DD1 has autism and major anxiety issues which means she just couldnt handle MIL.

SO far she has left messages on answer machine, and sypke but have managed to block her on fb.

Please talk to dh about how their behavior reflects on the children and does he want them growing up thinking this is normal relationships and acceptable behaviour.

I would be interested to know how you did it Lisad, and what repercussions if any happened if you don't mind me asking?
What was the 1st thing you did to make the break?
I know tough times lay ahead, but this cannot and will not continue

We have done it twice because after they had been cut out for three years, dh wanted them to know he was sick.
We are lucky they don't live so close. We refused to take their calls (got caller ID), didn't respond to letters and blocked then on fb.
It would have been More difficult if they lived nearer. It was made easier because mil had a massive hissy fit and that gave the reason to do as we did.
The girls don't miss out and according to PIL I am the work of the devil, a terrible wife and mother and dh should leave me and the girls. We have been together 13 years, but they still have never accepted me.

Im ready to make the break, just hoping dh will after this as he has bought my dd1 up because that is what he wanted to do.
But quite obviously mil has never accepted her, quite sad really but i can't have my dd1 feeling 'different' just from mils insults.
I just do not understand what they hope to gain from their behaviour tbh-maybe they are trying to cause a rift between me and dh so he will move back home & do all their diy & housework!??

She just sits there and comes out with shit like this infront of dcs , nieces, sil & dh -they all praticlly laugh and say NOTHING!
Well no more she can insult someone else, as no-one insults my dcs

Did you talk to dd afterwards and let her know that Dad's mum is a really nasty person and it isn't about her? You can then bring up FIL behaviour and explain that's why MIL needs to dump bad feelings. Let her know her feelings they are all wrong and f up are the valid ones.

Also, are you aware of how helpless and paralysed these nasty people make DH feel? I promise you, when he is in their presence he is about the age of 3. He just shuts down. He feels utterly helpless and powerless. This is what abuse does.

I think you need to calm down and choose your timing wisely. At that calm time say to DH, '[name], you do know that your parents are sick and cruel, don't you?'

And leave it at that. Leave it with him.

Contact Relate, it is on a sliding scale.

Oh well, he hasn't said nothing to her on the matter infact he has text her saying "love u ", wtf.
He has stopped shaving, stopped showering and i have had to nag him into getting a wash this morning after him trying it on with me (he stank).
I feel under valued the moment, he didn't even bother to get the rent out this morning on way home from work, meaning ive had to take all 4 dds out in the rain to fetch it whilst he goes to bed.
He has also sworn at me again this morning just for asking him to pay more attention to his hygeine and more attention to me as he spent an hour on his laptop this morning instead of showering, getting rent and getting into bed with me.

Tbh im now starting to see that his family mean more to him than me!
If he threatens to leave when he wakes up, so be it im done with it all.

its a horrible situation and dh blamed a huge amount of his behaviours on his upbringing. The thing is as an adult you can make a choice to change behaviours and views of things. Its hard and by no means easy when you have spent years believing this is normal.
I weould sit down with your dh and explain what you want from this marriage, and how much his family impacts on you too.
If his depressed, no amount of nagging will help, depression is an illness and he needs proffessional help.