Shocked at Dh's past, he needs to distance himself

[pumpkinsweetie]

I have been with my dh for 8yrs, we have 3 dc together & my dd1, whom he has bought up.
Since we have been together, every few weeks he goes into a deep depressive mood that can last days or even up to a week!
Lately he always seems to be like it, most days and it has started to affect our relationship so i have questioned him on why he gets like it, and he has told me his dad beat him as a boy.
His parents have always caused issues for us, basic backstory :mil has insulted my dd1 continually about how she is not her blood!, pil for a year had dh doing their house up every weekend, pil are always askinh for grand gestures of money towards expensive birthday gifts, the last one being an allotment digger thingy that we put £80 towards after being continually harrassed for it, they now want a dh to pay a fith towards a solid gold watch for mil 60th-the watch will cost around £1700 split 5 ways!!, the next is pil constantly buying sil's dcs expensive uniform & clarks shoes when she doesn't spend a penny on my dcs, there are a lot of other things but don't wanna make it too long.
Anyway upon my recent discovery of my dhs past, i now look back on this past year and realise they have been phoning him at work and asking for this money and bragging about what they buy their other gks, not to mention putting him down calling him jellybelly and telling him to lie to me about them phoning me.
We had a long talk last night, and i know he was hit with a belt, thumped, and shouted at when he was a child by his father and we have made a joint decision to cut them out of our lifes as they bring nothing happy to his life.
The thing is he is very scared of his father and his mother does nothing but stick up for fil.
How do we break free from this awful family without causing a show-down iyswim-how do you slowly distance yourself ?
Has anyone managed to break free from an abusive controlling family without too much trouble?
The last thing i want is fil at my door as he scares me also

I completely 100% understand why you want to protect your children here, FIL sounds like a horrid man.

However, I think you need to strike a fine balance between keeping your DC safe and empowering your DH to act in the DC's best interests as their father. You should be able to trust him to keep the DC safe, in any situation. He needs to know and be told in no uncertain terms that he has that responsibility and that you expect him to stand up for the DC no matter what, if he can see if they are likely to come to any harm. I think it would benefit him to take on this role as an adult in his relationship with his father, rather than as the scared child he has always been. It will also be good for your DC to (hopefully) see that Daddy will always be their to protect them.

Your DH has always been controlled by the guile he feels from his DP's, you now need to ensure that you are not the one taking over control from them. He needs to have the control himself and know that he is the one who has control, it will be so empowering for him which will give him more confidence.

I know you are just trying to do your best by everyone here and it is such a difficult situation to be in x

Dont forget your're trying to de-programme years of brainwashing. It doesnt happen overnight.

It's more about building him up so he's strong enough.

unfortunalty pumpkin there is only so much empowering you can do yourself.

if your DH has low self esteem how highly does he value you and your life and your opionions. ...are you lumped into the worthless catagory along with him and how he is treated?

whilst as I have said I agree with him being in control, you absoluty have to ask him and make sure he wants things to change.

if he does - get him to relate and therapy...the problem there is its so expensive...i do belive even one session would help you enourmoulsy. if he doesnt...you put up or shut up or think about your own plans...

personaly i would say op is in a crisis situation, with vile in laws, and her Dh must take some responsibilty for himself and for his children - as she must preserve her sanity and her childrens safety....

you have to ask him if he is on side - its such a quick crumble from saying it has to stop....and also it sounds like MIL sees children loads anyway!! she is lukcy to see them a few times a month let alone a few times a week.

if DH wont take charge - someone has to - otherwise the bullying goes on.

i also think op in these circs is well within her rights to stop all contact with the GP if she wants, they are her children, the PILS treat her and him awfully, I think she is well within her rights to say to DH you see your DP if you want but the children wont be until they redress their attitudes.

I haven't read the whole thread yet op but it sounds similar to my dhs family issues.

The wanting so much from him, treating him differently to his sisters, taking him and me forever to realise what was going on and the effect it had on him, how they expect him to do things for them all the time as though he owes them, how his sisters are complicit in it, how he is ridiculed but they pretend its a joke, how he is deeply caught up in the FOG, needs their approval and is terrified of disagreeing with them etc etc.

Its a nightmare. They did such a thorough job on my dh!

You will get very understandable feelings of anger, resentment, outrage, unfairness - do not express them to his family. Do you know what happens then? You, the outsider, becomes the scapegoat and named 'the troublemaker' and they ALL turn on you. And your H, because that is the position he has always had, can't see it and won't lift a finger to help you. How can he? He has never been able to stop them doing it to him. And then there is bad blood between you two, because in your eyes he wasn't there for you. So just saying it again, do not try and fight his battles for him.

That is exactly what has happened to us

Its the fact she is still playing games with him, she knew that she wasn't coming today so why did she text to say she was on her way?. Dh has insisted that she got confused (yeh right).
The thing is

Tbh my hands are tied, and i don't think he will ever stand up to them-it just isn't going to happen, 8 years we have been together!, its took him that long to tell me about the abuse
It doesn't matter what i do this situation isn't going to get any better, if i help him then i will be blamed like you all say and he will resent me and if i do nothing the situation remains the same.

Mil isn't at all nice either and is emotionally abusive, she has called my 14yo niece fat and now wonders why she is not eating, she has called my dh a jelly belly and said he should go on a diet (he is a tad overweight but nothing bad), yet mil is morbidly obese how dare she, pot kettle black!
She has said my 9yo (taken on by dh) aint her blood, and insulted her eyecolour as unfavourable.
She has sat in front room & said about my 6yo "what is IT eating"!
Has said of her premmie gc (sils bab) that "it looks like its ugly father"
Has insulted my friends children, oh i could go on all night.........

The thing is, whilst dh still sees them, he will be in a dark mood thats last for days, leading to him sitting around doing nothing but shout at dcs, and not help me around the house at all.
In the week he had no contact:no moods, lots of help with dcs, he even helped dd1 with homework, the improvement in him has been immense.

But i guess i cannot make him do something he does not want to do, i wasn't expecting complete loss of contact.
I just wanted him to lessen her visits which are currently once a week at our house & cut it to once a fortnight and then onto once a month-do you not think thats a good idea or is that too much of a push?

If i do nothing and he continues to see her every week, his moods will continue and tbh i find it hard to live with someone who is so down all the time, especially as its affecting dc too.
I do think me taking some control is what he needs and what i need too because whilst they are allowed to continue in their battle for control he will always be theres and not his own man iyswim.

I am taking some of your thoughts into account, relate being one of them when he is ready and when i have enough money.
Aslong as he sees her in a public place he knows he can see her whenever he wants even though i know it isn't good for him.
The reason i will not let him take dcs to mils home is because fil leaves saws and knifes out on the kitchen side and last time they went with him my 6yo got hold of it as my dh had fell asleep on the sofa and so had mil & fil, dh had told me when he got in. Fil also takes my youngest to his bed with him whilst they both take a nap(dh will not say no to him) i find this weird, and also worry about her falling of bed as she is 22m now and his bed is very high.
My 3yo also got out of their side door once because they didn't lock it.
Tbh they aren't great grandparent so letting them go to mil when i no dh is suseptable to napping (works nights) would not be a good idea, not only that he will say no to any of there demands-believe ive seen it.

From what you have said, I think your are right and completely justified in not allowing your DC over to your IL's. Is this a recent development or have they not been allowed there for a while now?

With regards to your DH's moods, it really is a difficult situation you are in. Has he noticed the difference in his mood when his contact with his DP's is limited? Is he able to recognise his moods and the effects it has on you and the DC when it is bad? I think you are right to want to try to decrease contact with them as that definitely sounds what is best for your family. I would say though that he needs to make that decision himself, or at least feel like he has made that decision even if he really hasn't. This is where you have to be clever, as I has to do with my DH.

My DH hates being told anything, he likes to come to his own conclusions so I had to ensure I steered him in the right direction. (That sounds really bad and sneaky but it is a form of 'interviewing' that counsellors use.) This involved asking lots of open questions about his feelings, rather than making personal statements about his family. So in your case, you could say something along the lines of "I've really noticed how happy you have been this past week, it's been nice for me and the kids. I'm sure it's been nice for you too" and possibly add something like "I wonder what's happened this past week that has changed your mood" (possibly). You could even say in a really gentle way "I've really noticed how happy you've been for the past week, have you? I reckon it has something to do with the limited contact with your parents, that seems to make sense as that's the only thing that has changed hasn't it. What do you think?". Things like this may not have got an instant reaction off my DH but he would usually think about things in his own time and come to a decision about it. I didn't always agree with his decisions but he was making them himself and felt in control and eventually he would end up doing what was right for him and me and the DC.

All of this wasn't a quick fix though and sometimes I felt like things were never going to change. For my DH, it took about 10 years into our relationship for him to realise that things needed to change drastically, then another 2 years before he admitted he needed counselling to be able to do this and then 10 months of counselling before he felt in control.

Eliza Although it was hideous beyond belief what MIL and FIL did to me after sudden loss of my wonderful DB and days later birth of DD, looking back it has probably done us good because, it stopped contact proper.

What did they do, out of interest?

sometimes if things are just carring on like always you do need a revolution to throw things in the air i guess it depends on how long op is willing to be patient for and put her feelings and needs second.

op knows her DH but sometimes putting foot down and saying enough is the wake up call people do need...espeiclaly when not used to taking control or charge.

once a month sounds more than fine to me op....in laws sound awful, there is no way mine would be going there with all the risks you describe...

relate is about 50 pounds per session but they are a charity and say they dont turn anyone in need away, i think one session by yourself with a proffesional would really help you.

"You will get very understandable feelings of anger, resentment, outrage, unfairness - do not express them to his family. Do you know what happens then? You, the outsider, becomes the scapegoat and named 'the troublemaker' and they ALL turn on you. And your H, because that is the position he has always had, can't see it and won't lift a finger to help you. How can he? He has never been able to stop them doing it to him. And then there is bad blood between you two, because in your eyes he wasn't there for you. So just saying it again, do not try and fight his battles for him."

I never expressed my feelings to them, but any feelings DH expressed were blamed on them anyway.

They blame everything on me, but before I came along his problems were put down to a sucide gene...before that something else, then his therapist etc....

I did feel let down by DH when he stood by whilst his DF verbally attacked me days after the birth of our DD, days after the burial of my brother...BUT in a strange way it also helped me empthaise with him EVEN MORE!! becasue i was fully able to see what a cold nasty arse hole he is.

The BIG difference is, my DH and I BOTH are on the same side - we are a unti togheter we just want to be happy and are very very happy toghether....

my DH is so shy and yet he has been able to start standing up for me! I feel very confident of his priorities and that is me, DD him, then his other family memebers....he does want to protect our family unit first.

I am the bad guy, but i always was and always will be, i have felt let down my DH but i also understand his probs with esxpressing his feelings to his folks....and ultimalty - we have been burned but we are closer - his family rear thier ugly heads only a few times a year now - rather than every month or so....and we can get on with living, BUT it took that bog argument and break...we still have a long way to go of course and when can afford will be back at relate but its miuch better.

at the monment i see OPS problem as being triyng to get to the bottom of wether, Dh really wants to distane himself or not.

to me , ops DH needs to get into persepctive which family is more important to him, hopefully his own immediate being his wife and children.

once he has clarfied that, start to put them first - the second lot - his folks should then fall into place.

Eliza Although it was hideous beyond belief what MIL and FIL did to me after sudden loss of my wonderful DB and days later birth of DD, looking back it has probably done us good because, it stopped contact proper.

What did they do, out of interest?

Poopy

I have mentioned alot on these threads!

Bascially after ALOT of problems with them since meeting DH, I made a renewed effort to get on with them ( after not seeing them, my choice for 6 months because of past hurt), when i knew i was pregnant....

My own DM passed away and I stupidly thought I might get something from MIL, it all went pear shaped after hte birth - she went mad - manic, as if it suddenly hit her - i was here to stay in her life.....( after 5 years of being with DH), and she didnt know anything about me!! ( never asked or took interest)....

I buried my DB on wed, literally, doing all funeral arrangemnets on my own with my own difficult family ( one stormed out during service etc), wake at my house, in the middle of a renovation as well, i went into labour the very next day and gave birth on sunday. a few days later MIl and FIl deliberalty conspired to get Dh out on the house, so MIl could have me alone, whilst cradling MY DD - started to tell me " why i cant have you in my house", and bascially obvioulsy years of frustraion she let loose on me.

I was passing huge clots, greiving for my DB, eleated for my DD scared as a new mum etc etc, a huge house project still on and she attacked me over sweet wrappers, and why wasnt i nesting!!! and " why dont you help DH smarten up" over things like him shaving more often nad brushing his teeth - things which are surely more down to her when he was a little boy!!! She didnt stop for about an hour - then FIL came back - she slunk out and then FIL ALSO started to tell me why he didnt like me!!!!!!!!

I stood there crying saying " for god sake, I have just had to deal with a sudden loss, a tragic loss, I only lost my mum a few years before, I have just gone through labour which I am terrifed of, we are in the middle of a house renovation, I have also had my disabled difficult dad here!!!"

FIl said " SO WHAT< i know lots of ladies who have had babies and " get on with it".

They have every right not to like me, thats fine but to tell me THEN at that time and in that manner!!!

I didnt say much back to her - I was in such shock, but one day i will.

BUT altough it was horrific and sent me spirraling into some sort of breakdown esp after they pumelled us after to see the baby, constant calls - coming round etc...

it did provde that huge casm which looking back was great.....as I havant been there since, wont go there....
of course when I have seen MIL SHE acts like the injured party!!!

it was VERY painful and the timing of it - really did nearly finish me off bUT it has meant we have had alot less to do with them, and its getting better all the time.

All is not good Dh has been talking about wanting to see her already, it has only been a week since he last saw her!!

If he usually sees her once a week then the guilt will be kicking in on schedule. (realise Im a bit behind, still catching up with thread!)

Eliza that story rings a bell! Was your dh able to stand up for you?

Eliza that's awful.

OP I find taking someone elses baby to bed with them a bit odd really, why would you want to co-sleep with someone elses child? if he smokes, drinks or is obese he shouldnt be co-sleeping anyway according to the guidelines I've read.

He is what id call stocky with a big tum & tall.
I bring a perfectly good pushchair with me for her to nap in or on my lap but mil & fil are insistent for her to nap in bed with him.
He doesn't smoke but i don't really like it to be honest (i know he is not a peado), i just worry about her falling of the bed.
That is one of the reasons we do not go round there much & the other is that we never get invited unless their is an event like one of their birthdays or diy dh is expected to do.
Mil would much rather come here, every week once a week fil drops her off then he pisses of back home and then he pops in for half hour when he collects her!
If it weren't for dh having to see fil on these visits then i would put up with mil for dhs sake but fil & mil is too much tbh-him with his winding the kids up & moaning about what he needs dh to do at his house and with mil her attitude, its all too much for me and dh only sees fil because he is scared of him & mil because he feels guilty & loves her deep down.

Sil is becomming an arse she has rang both our phones 3x today, of course i haven't answered and dh was in bed (works nights), so if it aint one of them its sure is hell sil banging on about something or other or bragging about nieces latest expensive gifts from mil.

No doubt she wants to know why we aren't seeing much of mil and wants to dig her ore in

Just ignore her calls for now.

Whatever you do, don't confide in her. Don't say anything! Just have a boring voice, boring tone, and say you have been having a very boring time.

Again: never, EVER say even the vaguest thing bad about MIL FIL.

if she asks outright, act surprised and say you hadn't talk about it. Sorry, got to go.

Please advise your Dh to have psychodynamic therapy.

Dh had one of his 'moods' & swore at me in the street on the way to his own daughter's birthday party!
He ended up walking off and not bothering to come to her party!
Off course when i got home i was livid he would miss such a special occasion and for the scene he made in the street.

The reason he was having a 'mood' is probably because i had let him start talking to his family by phone!, that morning sil had phoned asking him to fix her phone & to ask for pil anniversary presene and mil had phoned to moan she hadn't seen the dcs for 2weeks.
I swear other things were said too as he was on the phone a while with both but i was too busy preparing dds cake to listen to it all.

Im quite pissed off that my dcs birthdays are not important enough compared to his parents anniversary and mils bday which i have had to hear about all year, yet he misses his own dds party!!

I told him that i have had enough of his disregard for the family he has helped create and im only willing to have her in my home once a month as i cannot bear to be anyway near them, of course he was not happy about it but my dd wasn't happy her dad didn't turn up to her party!

So we have mil coming this week and hopefully wont be seeing her until her dreaded birthday, oh of course i have to go to that as dh as ranted and raved that we must go.

I seriously believe they wound dh up the day of the party to make the day all about them as usual!
He hasn't spoke to any of them since but has been inundated with missed calls and texts with the usual "im coming round" routine, well i won't be letting them in!
Sil seems to think we are all going up pils for their anniversary later in the week, well we are not, they are hardly a 'couple' anyway they don't even sleep in same bed or watch tv/go out/eat dinner together, its a complete sham-a charade we all have to bring yet more lavish gifts for when pil should be spending time alone as a couple not lording it up expecting visits & gifts etc.Dh has been reminded of this occasion many times by sil, i don't get the big deal??
They don't bother with ours & 2 sils anniversarys

Bloody hell!

Ok a few thoughts . . .

You said you LET him speak to them . . . it really needs to come from him otherwise he may well resent you. He'll feel that you are as bad as them, always going on at him and fighting for his attention . . . rather then him making the decision to distance himself from them because that's better for him, his moods and his family.

Try pointing out the link between contact with them and his moods. Does he notice?

Not coming to his old child's birthday party is dispicable!

Also,

does he swear at you (or generally take it out on you) a lot?

Are you sure this is a reaction to his family and not more a case of his behaviour being similar to his abusive fathers?

No he is lovely when not in contact with them but as soon as they start inundating him with phonecalls his mood suddenlly changes and thats when the swearing starts iyswim.

We normally see pil once a week and each & everytime they have been dh goes into these moods for 2-3 days so limiting it to once a month will make my life and his bearable as long as they are not on the phone everyday like they are at the moment.
Everyone i know notices the change in him and he says he doesn't realise .
They are even phoning him at work, probably so i don't over hear them winding him up-i only know this as ive checked his phone due to his moodswings, he is always insistent they haven't phoned though so in a way he is being deceiptful

"Has anyone broke away from their toxic families sucessfully and if so, how did you do it?"

Its really easy IF:

• the initiative comes from the partner who is related (otherwise it feeds into the toxic family's game)
• they are commited to it, cutting down/setting boundaries doesn't really work if they are really toxic
• they don't expect any validation or remorse or even comprehension from their toxic family - they have to be past that to make a clean break

then.. DOING it is the easy part, just say "I don't want to spend time on you any more because you make me miserable" and do not engage in discussion about this, just repeat it.. then hang up.. then don't engage any more

THEY WILL NOT accept any reasons or explanations and they certainly will not give you any sort of desirable response to your explanations about why their behaviour makes them undesirable company. So don't bother, Just say "no I don't want to see you, you make me miserable!"

You can't make your OH ready to do this, if you push it you only feed into their shite, so all you can do is remove yourself and if necessary your DCs from negative situations

It seems to me though that her DH is being either disengenious to her and wants to see his family even if moody etc, or he is just too cant see wood for trees.

so what does op do in the mean time? they need a clear strategy at least between themselves, yes he may fall off bandwagon and cave in and see them BUT there must be an end goal in sight.

it seems to me op doesnt have this. I bet her Dh would let this current situation carry on forever.