Shocked at Dh's past, he needs to distance himself

[pumpkinsweetie]

I have been with my dh for 8yrs, we have 3 dc together & my dd1, whom he has bought up.
Since we have been together, every few weeks he goes into a deep depressive mood that can last days or even up to a week!
Lately he always seems to be like it, most days and it has started to affect our relationship so i have questioned him on why he gets like it, and he has told me his dad beat him as a boy.
His parents have always caused issues for us, basic backstory :mil has insulted my dd1 continually about how she is not her blood!, pil for a year had dh doing their house up every weekend, pil are always askinh for grand gestures of money towards expensive birthday gifts, the last one being an allotment digger thingy that we put £80 towards after being continually harrassed for it, they now want a dh to pay a fith towards a solid gold watch for mil 60th-the watch will cost around £1700 split 5 ways!!, the next is pil constantly buying sil's dcs expensive uniform & clarks shoes when she doesn't spend a penny on my dcs, there are a lot of other things but don't wanna make it too long.
Anyway upon my recent discovery of my dhs past, i now look back on this past year and realise they have been phoning him at work and asking for this money and bragging about what they buy their other gks, not to mention putting him down calling him jellybelly and telling him to lie to me about them phoning me.
We had a long talk last night, and i know he was hit with a belt, thumped, and shouted at when he was a child by his father and we have made a joint decision to cut them out of our lifes as they bring nothing happy to his life.
The thing is he is very scared of his father and his mother does nothing but stick up for fil.
How do we break free from this awful family without causing a show-down iyswim-how do you slowly distance yourself ?
Has anyone managed to break free from an abusive controlling family without too much trouble?
The last thing i want is fil at my door as he scares me also

I do believe if i don't intervene it will carry in forever, there is only so much i can take from my dh.
He becomes so withdrawn when in contact with them it is also affecting the children.
I think deep down he loves them however toxic they are, hence the reason he wants to see them once a week, but he is not willing to agree to seeing her on neutral ground as mil will not do it, so i have agreed she can still come to our home to see dcs but only once a month as anymore than that our relationship will gradually be destroyed.
Who wants to be with a depressive, moody shouty, sweary man when all i have to do is get him to see them less?
I have been with him 8yrs but the last 2 have could have been better if it wasn't for the pils constant badgering & putting him down.
He will never see the light without my help, i know he will resent me & his parents will hate me but we cannot plod on in this unhappiness anymore.
Im not expecting him to give up on them completely just to put his own family first

you just have to see how your new boundary works re once a month, but without his understanding ofhte whole situ it doesnt sound like he will last out on this for long either. he caved pretty quickly last time.

you need to somehow make him see the two family units - get it all into perspective etc...

as said before you dont have the tools to do this - you need help to get them - via relate! they will also help you with coping stragegies whilst you are waiting for things to get better

I would issue an ultimatum with him that you attend couples therapy together or your marriage is over.

Do not make him choose between them and you.

Let the therapist do the work of enlightening him that his parents and sister are toxic.

Sounds like they don't like boys and favours girls?

Local sister sounds like the golden child and your dh the scape goat

OP you giving him boundaries to keep between him and his family WILL NOT WORK, it has to be his idea

do put your foot down as random suggests and get a 3rd party to help him come to that conclusion, YOU CANNOT DO IT not least because they will already have sewn poisonous seeds in his mind so that your suggestions re them will be invalidated!

Ive discussed councilling with him and he wasn't to impressed with the idea and said i was making him out to be "mental", and that he won't see no quack!
I cannot just throw my marriage away as i know he can be a lovely man without seeing them and i have my dcs to consider.
I happen to love him very much, and i do sympathise with him in what is an awkard situation, but if he won't get help what else can i do?
His family are never going to behave like normal rational people & dh will always feel scared when in the company of fil but i cannot have them here every week and continue to stand & watch and then see him depressed for days after they have been.
How many years could this go on for if i sit back & do nothing?

You cannot control his family

You cannot make him step back from them

What you can do is tell him you are not prepared to put up with his black moods and you want to go to therapy together to work out what is causing them and how to sort them out TOGETHER.

He needs to here from an independent person that his parents are toxic and that their behaviour is causing the problem.

Alternatively carry on putting up wiht it as he is not ready to cut contact with them and may never be.

I can only repeat that you policing your DH's contact with your ILs WILL NOT WORK and will infact just give them extra points against you!

Would your OH rather split up then go to councelling?

Its not good for the kids to stay together if this situation spirals, obv it is best for the kids if you can stay together and things improve, but things WILL NOT improve if it is you fighting and policing the ILs contact.

trust me if you try to lead this distancing it'll play right into their game, they will have "predicted" to your DH that you are the kinda woman who drives wedges between people for no reason and you will prove them right, it'll further damage your relationship and consume you and wear you right down emotionally

There is no way he will even consider counselling, let alone go
Maybe i should let him make his own mind up about them, because im sure fil will not be happy mil hasn't been allowed round for nearly two weeks now!, so if he blows up this week when they get here, it may provide the ammunistion i need to show him how awful they are.
Obviously if that doesn't happen i will need to wait it out until he realises he is nothing but their skivvy & puppet.
Im sure the demands for money towards the watch will start very soon, as mil bday is fast approaching-that part is up to me as dh is in debt & has no money & i will not be lending a penny towards it unless of course it is a normal watch not a solid gold one

"so if he blows up this week when they get here, it may provide the ammunistion i need to show him how awful they are"

unfortunately if they are a true toxic family the situation will only give them ammunition against you

I'm sorry but that is how toxic families work

If DH won't consider counselling - maybe he is not ready - then buy him a book such as www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0553814826/?tag=hydra0b-21&hvadid=9550947069&ref=asc_df_0553814826this.
It's going to take him time...it took years for the damage to be done so don't expect it to be undone in a short space of time.
And you need to watch your behaviour in this...he needs to emotionally grow into the adult that he is, and the only way for that tom happen is for him to do it, and in his own time - you being overly prescriptive or setting the agenda for what he chooses to do is not helpful for him (as in "Maybe I should LET him make up his own mind about them" etc)....you risk falling into the parent role and ultimately preventing his emotional development.
He has been abused, physically and mentally. Abuse can take a long time to heal from.
You can support him, suggest to him, even persuade him, but to attempt to control his behaviour is counter-productive imo.
Best wishes.

Pumpkin,

If my DH said to me - I need counselling, I may also take that as a bit of an insult, most people would.

He clearly needs alot of counselling on his own , but its obvious he wouldnt go for that.

so you need to phrase it in ways that dont put any onus on HIM alone.

For instance, I am unhappy, I am unhappy because of the situation with your parents, I know YOU dont want to go to a counsellor BUT would you come and help ME please, and SUPPORT ME. IT wouldnt be about you - but ME and they would help ME deal with this situation.

Agree with above - how many times does DH have to see FIL blow up? He has had a life time of it - and does nothing, still goes back for more.

If I were you I would try every which way to get that man into Relate for BOTH of you!Complety switch tack take onus off him, and make it all about you and your happiness....

OR even go to relate alone, tell them whats going on and they may give you phrases or tactics to help get him in!

It sounds to me like you are going to go round in circles unless you plan a straight line strategy to get out of it.

"If my DH said to me - I need counselling, I may also take that as a bit of an insult, most people would" - I would disagree with this!

but
"For instance, I am unhappy, I am unhappy because of the situation with your parents, I know YOU dont want to go to a counsellor BUT would you come and help ME please, and SUPPORT ME. IT wouldnt be about you - but ME and they would help ME deal with this situation. " This is worth a try?

Silky.

Councelling and therapy has a stigma to it unfortunaltly and people get thier therapies mixed up because they dont know anything about it - a blokey sort of guy, like some I know - would never consider councelling because they think it implies something wrong with thier brain or them etc....

I know some people feel that way, I was disagreeing with "most", IMO most do not

Unfortunetly i have already suggested we go together and he also said no.
He has always believed councselling is a load of codswollop and he calls them all quacks.
I have the pil visiting this week, i will tell you all how it went. When he sees them again is up to him but they are only welcome in my house once a month from now so if he wants to see them its either with the kids in a neutral setting or at pils house without the kids.
The weird thing is, even when they are here, he sits on his computer for nearly the whole time they are here-i just don't see what benefit he gets from it tbh, i think its more for pils benefit rather than his.

I think you need to tell him this:

I happen to love him very much, and i do sympathise with him in what is an awkard situation,

but also tell him the situation with his family and how they mistreat him is making YOU very unhappy and YOU are going to counselling to help YOU work out how to deal with it.

And then go. After a while, you never know. As long as you keep remembering that you love him, and let him know that, and you keep owning what his toxic family make YOU feel. Not what they are doing to him.

you need to get creative - think outside the box and keep coming up with phrases until one clicks in his head, as abit said - i would start by going alone.

its really sad he seems condemed to a life of misery - from his family and also from his immediate family - you and the DC from being so sad with him....

you only get one life - surely its worth trying anything and everything to be happpy?

There is a saying " show dont tell", perhaps by taking the initiave and going alone - to relate - coming back confident - more in control - calmer - happier etc...may rub off on him and " show" him how positive its been.

i changed phone number and moved. worked a treat. that was 12 years ago.

I've just caught up with this thread and I am so sorry for what you are going through - all of you, your DH and children and you yourself. I am really impressed at your attitude and strength.

My father never cut off his manipulative and somewhat upsetting parents, his father died and his mother still makes him miserable and my mother goes along with it. I find it unbearable and she is NOTHING on your PILs.

I am so sorry to mention it but reading about the nap time when your fil insists on taking your little girl to bedwith him is really concerning me

I just cannot see a reason for this. And even if there was one, occasionally, surely nothing worth insisting on every time?

He sounds very abusive in other respects and I am very very concerned about this. I hope you are right that nothing sinister goes on but I would be very anxious about it in your position.

Good luck with all of it, it must be a very difficult situation at present, you are doing so well x

Don't worry Emelie, i shall not be allowing these day time naps again as i now avoid going to pil house at all costs so at not to have to explain myself over the nap situation.
The last time i went there at Easter after challenging them, my 2 sil, mil & fil all insisted my LO will be fine napping with him, dh just sat there not saying a word-i was so pissed off i had to explain why i didn't agree with it and i put her in her pram much to their annoyance.
I find it odd why they don't think it is wierd tbh, especially when i have a pram forher to sleep in!
We will be going there on mil birthday, im not making excuses over the nap this time, i will TELL them she isn't getting in the bed with him.
Im dreading it, mil sitting smug with her expensive gifts, whilst she moans about the cheapness of them like she did at christmas
Sitting in silence having to make our own drink, no music, no tv, fil moaning at dh to be better at gardening, and mil fawning over her daugters & other gks.
If i had the option of not going i wouldn't, but like i said dh is still scared of fil and he will be talked into helping them with something or other and there will be no-one to stop fil taking my dc to nap with him!

Im not over analyzing, this happens every time he or i have gone over there.

Only a few days till her imminent afternoon visit, god help me!
Dh has actually said today that he wants to move, but we don't have the money at the moment and everything we know is here, if anyone is to move it should be them

You could move some distance away where housing is cheaper?

Seriously I think for your own sanity it may be worth it. Even if you divorce the ILs will be there poisoning your dh and dc at every opportunity

They have a car so unless we moved a considerable distance away they would still be able to turn up.
We don't have transport

I was talking miles and miles

If only there were enough jobs out there, and we had enough money for deposit to rent , van and a garantour-none of which we have.
The only thing keeping me zane is my friends, friends inwhich are hard to find and are worth their weight in gold, and my mum who has been with me through every step of the way.
So it isn't just about lack of funds