How do I get over my own affair?

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

Don't jump on me. Believe me I have paid the price for this.

A year ago I had an exit affair with a man who was also married. His marriage has survived and mine ended, which was the right thing for us.
My H didn't care. STBXH is in a relationship which I assume is post break up although I'm not sure.

My main problem is that I fell deeply in love with the OM. It hurts so much, even though it ended nearly a year ago. Will it get easier? I don't know how long I can bear the pain for. I don't want to quit my job because that just adds to the losses I face. I feel the pain because I long for him, & it made me realise how dead my marriage was. I feel guilt for pain I caused his family and I feel grief for the loss of my own family unit.

Any advice would be welcome. I'm quite sure I'm not the first to be in this position nor the last, but hell, it's hard.

Why do you feel you want to quit? Is OM a colleague?

Also, do you have children with your STBXH?

Yes, Blueshoes, OM is a colleague. I have 2DCs with STBXH (8&6).

Hi Going

Good news - you have done the hardest bit. That is to accept you were in a marriage that was not working for you and ended it so you can be free to find a better relationship.
The OM offered you something that was missing from your life. Now you have to learn from that and move on. He has committed to his marriage and you know you have to leave him be.
If you do genuinely care for him then you want him to have a good life, which means leaving him alone to repair his relationship.

Your job is to heal. You have badly damaged yourself and need time to recover, to look after yourself and your DCs and to build a good co-parenting relationship with their DF. It will take a couple of years probably and by then if you have kept away from OM you will be getting over him.

Everything in life has a purpose and that relationship was as you say an exit affair. The next relationship you have should be a lovely fulfilling one! But you can't rush this.

BTDTGTTS!!

Thanks Lemon. I do genuinely care for OM and wish him happiness. He did show me what was missing from my marriage and what was possible and I'm grateful for that despite the pain. I keep away from him as far as I can, but given that we work together it isn't so easy. When I am away from him I feel mostly ok, but when I see him the wounds are still raw. Do you think it'll fade? It is easier than it was, it's just that it's so slow. I have badly damaged myself, as you say. Although I am so relieved to be out of my marriage.

It will fade but seeing him everyday is not going to make it easier. Could you slowly look for another job - at least that will keep your mind busy and give you something to plan towards which takes you away from him.

You will need to force yourself to stop thinking about OM in a romantic way. Has he DC? Do you know their ages and sex? Can you make yourself think of them and him being a better Dad to them as a result of ending the affair? (Yes we know if he was a decent man he wouldn't have gone there but even good people do stupid wrong things sometimes)

Think of his annoying habits. Think of whether you would want a relationship with someone capable of cheating on his DW. (I know - double standards - but this is desperate stuff!) You could allow yourself maybe a short wallow for a few minutes a day to be sad and grieve then give yourself a shake and make yourself move on mentally. It isn't easy, and it takes a long time to fade, but it is the only way forward.

Think about your own life and hobbies and achievements. What can you throw yourself into to fill the empty space? Studying? Sport? Volunteering? Things with your DC?

What do you think would help?

Thanks blueshoes and lemon. At work I make sure we only talk about strictly professional stuff and I'm hoping that organisational restructuring will move us away from each other in the long-term. I do think of his DCs (4&2) and I feel relieved that they have an intact family unit. I couldn't have lived with the guilt otherwise. I know it's double standards but I do think he acted worse than me because it seems I had nothing left to risk although I didn't know it. My friend helped me delete all his old emails last week.

I do lots of sport so I'm trying to keep that up & I'm as fit as I can be. When I'm not with STBXH or OM I feel quite capable and good in myself. I'm enjoying being out of my marriage more as that fear subsides. Me and DCs bought a new kitten who's gorgeous and makes me feel that if I can love him maybe other things will arrive in life that I will love too. An old friend is helping me branch out into a new business which also helps a lot, both the friendship and future possibilities.

So there is much good in there, just the ache goes on. Maybe you're right & I do need to take a day at a time to heal. Maybe I did just need the exit affair to end my deadening marriage & so it fulfilled that. Will it fade further in time? If I trust that I will get over him and perhaps find someone else who can offer me some of what he did I can handle it. It is just when I feel it is only him that I can't bear the loss. It can't possibly only be him can it?

We have a tendency to think someone we fall for is special and significant and call them a soulmate when in fact any number of people would suit us. The knack is to be discerning and not settle for someone who is a reasonable fit just because we are lonely and want a special someone in our lives.

You will have a better chance of finding a new mate if you take the time to learn about yourself, what your tastes are, whether you like intimacy or space, and what you need to be happy. No one person can give you everything you need so you must build up a network of friends and family who support you and provide you with company and stimulation. The longing you have for this OM is partly chemical addiction and partly romantic twaddle. He was never free or in a position to offer you real love and part of the excitement was the forbidden nature of your relationship. It will fade if you don't fuel it. It is odd though isn't it how the old truisms about a heavy heart or a breaking heart feel so real when you have that ache in your chest?

You can guess I have been where you are. It is now four years on. I am on reasonable terms with STBXH although I hurt him badly and feel real regret for that. I never see or talk to OM who is still married and I think of him with mild regret and some shame now. I have made many new friends and tried out new things. And a year ago I met a man who make me happy, suits me better than I could have imagined possible and thinks I am wonderful.

It will get better - just keep plodding along doing your best and you will see!

I have a friend in just this situation.

She is struggling to get past her divorce because she still holds a 'dream' relationship with OM in her head. He stayed married. She divorced and faced the wrath of local community/work and disgust from her own children.....and is alone pining for him.

I'd love her to see him as he really is. Weak, faithless, boring when you spend much time with him... and then live with him to discover he has bad wind after a curry, cuts his toenails on the sitting room floor, has an irritating laugh and a mean streak.

Working with OM must be hard. Remembering the good times and the way he made you feel must be hard, but you were a little dalliance to him. You boosted his ego - your 'love' affair was not that. It was sordid and a slight to his loyal wife. It wasn't an exit affair. It was a have my cake and eat it affair. He is not a nice man.

Stop yoursel daydreaming and remind yourself all of the above then go and find a social life - start dating

lemon thankyou very much for telling me about your experience, it helps such a lot. In my head I know that this is a good outcome in our circumstances and that I am fine without him. It is my body/heart that hasn't settled to this yet, I guess it will filter through. I hadn't realised how lacking in feeling my marriage was until then and it was a painful, tho important, learning.

I am so lucky because I have this amazing set of loving, beautiful & wise friends, both male and female. So I know I can find good things with people & it'd be nice to think that will happen in a partnership. I miss the physical, not necessarily the sex, but the intimacy. I am glad that it is good for you now lemon.

toothbrush I feel for your friend. It is a lonely place and it is harder to judge rights and wrongs since I so unexpectedly found myself there. It was shockingly out of character for me I feel. I think that feeling like a dalliance is one of the bits that I find painful, though quite possibly true. Yes, clearly he has faults! I think I'll hold onto my side of the story and do what I need to heal. My social life & life in general is wonderful so perhaps I need to get better at remembering and counting my blessings whilst at work.

What damaged you, Going?

How does he relate to you now? Do you getting longing looks, or does he barely acknowledge your presence - or a bit of both?

Is 'holding onto your side of the story' half the problem though? You are carrying a torch for a relationship which might never have made it had it run it's normal course.

You have my sympathy. I'm sure you feel gratitude to this man for helping you realise it was time to move on. I really understand that, but it's now time to move on again

Feeling differently about this man is part of that moving on

Oh please how is this being flipped onto the o.m. She is a grown woman who made a choice. The choice didnt work out. The o.m isnt the demon here, neither is the o.p, is it possible to support her without smearing him. Affairs happen, they are messy and they dont often work out.

symfem Sometimes you just cling onto any coping mechanism to feel better, I think that's all Goingto is doing - She has nothing to lose here. She needs to move on and if thinking less than flattering thoughts get her through then why not allow her that.

Im more refering to toothbrush post. All the negative adjectives throwm at o.m. as if the o.p is a victim. Either both parties in affair are culpable or neither are, you cant continue to heap blame on one side. She gambled, she lost

Yes, she probably knows all that and probably doesn't need it pointing out at this point.

Interesting that you wish to defend a man you don't know symfem. He's never going to read this?

I don't disagree with your point but was trying to give OP another way of looking at the relationship. I refer you to the last line of my last post.

is it possible to support her without smearing him. Probably ...so go on then?

symfem I don't think he's a bad person, nor a good one. Flawed and very human like me. abit you're exactly right it's a bit of both. You sound like you might have been here too.

I am absolutely clear it is over, I would never go there again. I just have to tolerate a lot of pain. We still have a good working relationship and neither of us wish to cause any more pain than we already have. Just ouch & I know I got myself there and have responsibility. I'm not asking for sympathy, just support.

I think how I damaged myself is by feeling so strongly for him when the situation didn't allow it. But I do think it was the only way I could end my marriage, so that's what I mean by holding on to my side of the story. It was a necessary catalyst for me. I don't know what his story is. My H so apparently didn't care I am glad it happened to show that up. Obviously with hindsight I'd have left long ago to be by myself, but hindsights is 20:20 of course.

& thanks fizzy and toothbrush for solidarity.

Im glad you can see it. Im not condemning you, but heaping the blame on him, as has been suggested, is to abdicate responsibility and in the long run doesnt help the healing.

Look inside yourself and you will find the strength to move on. Dont look for another man just yet, get your head stra4ght so you can make a wise choice

& thanks fizzy and toothbrush for solidarity.

Working closely with someone you love and can't have is hard, the sheer enjoyment of seeing him everyday just sometimes to glance at him when he's not looking,and the lows of realising your head is saying you are never going there again and your heart yearns to. I think the only way to move on and get over someone is the no contact rule (no seeing/texting/emailing/no knowing anything about his life) but when you work with someone this is impossible. Some days you will think you are doing ok and some days its as raw as ever. I have been there and would not wish the pain on my worst enemy I hope you find peace soon.

Going, just to try and understand why you are unable to let this go, did he lead you on in any way. By that, I mean did you talk about ending your respective marriages?

Forget about this man who had an affair despite having two small children at home. Yuck!!!

Annie. The o.p is yuck too i presume.