How do I get over my own affair?

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

Don't jump on me. Believe me I have paid the price for this.

A year ago I had an exit affair with a man who was also married. His marriage has survived and mine ended, which was the right thing for us.
My H didn't care. STBXH is in a relationship which I assume is post break up although I'm not sure.

My main problem is that I fell deeply in love with the OM. It hurts so much, even though it ended nearly a year ago. Will it get easier? I don't know how long I can bear the pain for. I don't want to quit my job because that just adds to the losses I face. I feel the pain because I long for him, & it made me realise how dead my marriage was. I feel guilt for pain I caused his family and I feel grief for the loss of my own family unit.

Any advice would be welcome. I'm quite sure I'm not the first to be in this position nor the last, but hell, it's hard.

Yep!

Hiya. I have no experience with this, but I wanted to give you my honest opinion on your post.

Firstly, I'm sorry for your situation with your ex, and time is a great healer, it will get easier. But, regarding your affair and your work situation.... You ARE punishing yourself.

You said that you don't want to lose you're job as it will add to the losses you face. I'm afraid, you both should've thought about that before you started your affair. One of you needs to leave.... How can either of you put it behind you and get on with your lives. You especially babe....

Your mumsnet nickname says it all. You have to leave. You need to put yourself first. It is crazy to think the two of you can work with each other now. You will not heal or get on eith your life until you do. Putyourself first, and go. Why put your life on hold anymore.

Sorry but have no sympathy when small children are involved- they must be of primary consideration. If you have an affair there are consequences usually. Childrens lives can be turned upside down because of adult selfishness.

Some people that have affairs are selfish, unkind and not good people, some people who have affairs are good, kind and decent people. You really cannot judge anyone unless you know them.

Hesitataed before i posted cos i knew i'd be flamed but that's what i believe. Children can be hurt by the selfish actions of their parents so consider that before having an affair. Is it worth it ?

annie, it sounds like OP was going to end her marriage anyway. The affair was a catalyst and hastened the inevitable. Bear in mind her dh did not put up a fight for the marriage either.

annie- your statement is very sweeping, not all children are wounded by one of their parents having an affair, again it depends on the individual situation, the age of the children, if the parents were happy together, sometimes these affairs end very unhappy marriages leaving parents and children to move on to happier home environments.

Oh all the people giving the op their 'opinion' - Just vent elsewhere. Here is not the time or the place for it. Not helpful or constructive to her.

Anyone who posts here about an affair knows they may get attacked by those who have been on the other side and are hurting. In a way it is justifiable and gives the DW/DH who hasn't been taken into account a voice and a defender.
When I first came on these boards I was in denial blinkered and self justifying. I needed a bit of a shake up to get me to look at what was happening. I have learned a lot, accepted my behaviour was weak and selfish and tried to make amends. I would never ever go down that path again. I think the OP is saying the same. If people want to have a go at her because they are in pain that too is valid. This is a public forum.

agree with Vickles, you have to either leave the job or take some time off if possible while this restructuring within the company happens (it might NOT happen).

Blue if this was the reverse and o.p's partner had cheated, the guy would have been called all the names under the sun. And furthermore there would be an outpouring of glee when it transpired that the o.h ow had not left her husband.

I feel for you, OP. I think all the advice on here about pursuing your own interests and switching jobs is spot on.

You can do this. Give it time.

symfem, feel free to do the namecalling then. I leave it to you.

No intention of it blue. Neither do i intend turning the focus on the o.h. The o.p wanted to grab a new branch before letting go of the old one. The new one snapped. What has the o.h got to do with it

'When I first came on these boards I was in denial blinkered and self justifying. I needed a bit of a shake up to get me to look at what was happening. I have learned a lot, accepted my behaviour was weak and selfish '

WOW, Lemon. Kudos. Seriously.

Any chance of starting a thread and telling us your journey? I am impressed.

Because that is what Going is starting on, to bring this up w us, and I for one am very interested. I like courage and honesty.

OP - there's a lot to be learned from this, including what you want from a relationship. Look at it this way, you had an exit affair, your marriage was effectively over and you needed a reason to end it. That's your excuse, the affair made you 'brave enough to admit defeat' on your marriage, it's very hard to walk away from a relationship that's not working when there's children involved if you don't have a solid reason to do so. The OM gave you a solid reason.

so that's what you were doing, what was the OM doing? His marriage isn't failing, he wasn't looking for a way out, he wasn't deeply in love with you (as he wouldn't be happy for your relationship to end if he was), so what was he looking for? A shag? An ego boost? Just wanting to 'play' a bit and have an intersting distraction from work?

A person who's had an affair for the reasons you had it could be trusted again, because it's unlikely the same situation would present itself again, and actually, you'd be more likely to just end the marriage rather than look for an exit once you'd realised it was dead. Whereas, the other man's reasons for having an affair seem to make him the sort of person you can't trust. Nice to have fun with, nice to be friends with, but to share your life with? God no.

As for getting over it, you need to start putting feelers out for a new job, it might take another year or two to find that job, but you might be surprised. At least then you could feel like you've made the emotional break.

Also, be certain, people in the office will know about your affair. As sexist as it is, woman who have work-place affairs are usually considered far worse than men, long term it will have negatively effected your career in that company. You might never be told about it, it might not be obvious, but you are going to have to work 10 times as hard as colleagues to get promotions/recognition. You will have to prove yourself despite your 'reputation'. Sadly, he won't face that in the same way. So long term, you should leave your current employer. You have already 'lost' any status and success you have built up there. You just don't know it yet, but slowly, it'll become clear.

don'tmind, I agree with your post.

Going, FWIW, I believe you to be a decent person at heart (who made a mistake), because you are actually hurting over this. A player who was only in it for their selfish reasons would not emotionally invest to your degree.

Putting the fact of your affair one side for a moment, I have to ask: What is the trade off for you in continuing to place yourself in a situation which, by your own admission, continues to cause you significant emotional pain? There definitely is some sort of emotional gain on your part. It may be buried deep in your subconscious. If you have truly accepted that you cannot be part of this mans life in any way, why stay? Why not at least start looking to work somewhere else?

Perhaps you now associate your job with the OM? By leaving this job, you'll finally lose every part of him?

I think you are going through a grieving process very similar to that experienced by those who lose loved ones, where they cannot bear to change details in their houses, and leave rooms looking the same, and keep belongings etc. You have lost your beloved, but now cannot bear to lose this final tie to him - just seeing his face, just hearing his voice, just smelling his aftershave, just looking him in the eye, just making sure he will not forget you.

You are delaying your recovery from the mess of all this, and reducing your chances of going into another relationship emotionally and mentally free to experience REAL love. You must break this tie and at least start looking to work elsewhere. By finding excuses to keep on working in the same place you are prolonging your agony, (and possibly his and his wife's (did she find out?) by the way)

Forgive yourself the affair, become a wiser person, and move on to the better things that are waiting for you.

You also need to look at OM as if he'd had an affair with a different colleague, how would you feel/judge him? Do you find you aren't judging him as harshly as you otherwise would because you feel equally responsible for his behaviour - as it's partly your fault?

Thanks wobbly for your kind words.
I have posted in the past but had to name change numerous times because my ex turned weird and stalkery and followed me around on MN for a year or two. I realised I was in an EA marriage and despite trying to fix things eventually I moved out.

The best things I leaned here were to stop making excuses for my behaviour. Take responsibility for my own happiness or lack of it.
Treat others as I would like to be treated.
Don't expect to be perfect and love myself despite my flaws.

I'm getting there!

How's the OP today?

Just back from a day out with DCs and read the responses with interest. I'll go back over them and respond...

I'm sorry that you've experienced this donot. It is excruciating. Have you found peace?

blushoes yes you're right in amongst both of our confusion there were thoughts of leaving thrown in. And yes sparkly his wife found out. I had ended it before that although I don't think he believed it would stay ended. He made it hard for me to end it and knew i loved him. When they were trying to work it out he made it hard to keep that door closed and I found that tortuous. Now it is closed. I do look back and feel anguish (& longing & regret & guilt & a kind of possessiveness & fear & a load of other things) about the danger of it all.

annie I never in a million years thought that I would have an affair. I am utterly shocked still and most humbled. I live my life ethically and my job is based on such principles. So I am still astounded. Humbled. I cannot judge other people as I might have done now I know what I can be capable of.

vickles I did think about what I was risking but not so much to do with the job as my marriage. I am not excusing myself and I would never in a billion years consider it again, but it wasn't a logical decision at the time. I resisted, felt unsure, questioned it and it developed incrementally. As I thought about what I was risking in my marriage it became increasingly clear that there was nothing left. I don't know what was happening for OM. My husband kept on staring at the computer refusing to answer my question about whether he cared at all. From a dead marriage to this passion just knocked me flat. I have never had much experience of relationships before STBXH and I was just blown away. I came to life. Foolishly and naively but there you go.

Honestly hand on heart I don't think I had the clarity of vision to leave without some sort of serious wake up call. I just didn't see. That scares me too. I could have stayed.

And yes vickles, likea, jade, don'tmind, sparkly work is a really big problem. I contract in discomfort when I even think of it and my job requires me to be steady and on the ball. I know it is best for me not to work with him. Not to ever see him again. But I need the money! I have a good job in a good profession in a place where I work hours that enable me to pick up my kids from school. I'm a lone parent. I don't think I'm saying to be near him because it's just so excruciating. I have two very close friends at work who are wonderful supports and I love working with them. I've been there 8 years. It is a lot to give up so I couldn't do that lightly. I love my job, but as my name suggests being there is killing me bit by bit. I left a marriage in which I was dying and now I stay in a job that's doing the same. Not great. But I am setting up a business for the days I don't work so that I can make a choice in the near future. There is no easy out here.

I appreciate all your viewpoints.

I think affairs hurt everyone. Hell I'm hardly unscathed and I'm the party in the wrong. When I go to work I feel shame, shock, pain & rejection. When I'm at school gates I feel grief every time I see a family, for what I've lost. I feel fear for what I risked of theirs. I feel shock & disbelief at what I did. When I see a couple I feel grief for what I never had, what I want and am afraid I'll never have again after this crumb of it.

But, and this might be really unpopular, I also saw this passionate, alive, sexual side of me. I let him touch me deeply in a way I didn't think I could let anyone. I am alive after all and I'm not trapped in a shitty marriage. I'm stupid I know but I loved this man really deeply. I still do. That's why it's so f***g painful. I cannot make my heart obey reason. I know it's futile, it wouldn't have worked with him, he doesn't want me. It all hurts. It all hurts and hurt badly & all the while he was at home begging for his wife's forgiveness. I really wonder whether it'll ever go away.

For me it wasn't about having my cake and eating it, it wasn't even about sex.

Going - it will not always hurt

You will get over him. You will learn to live with yourself and realise that you've learnt a huge amount about yourself.

You will come alive again. Please don't wait on any man for that.

BTW - you have knowledge that oodles of women don't have. You know what it's like to 'come alive'. You know how dangerous emotions can be and you know what matters to you.

You'll go on to have a good life and be a good person/mum