How do I get over my own affair?

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

Don't jump on me. Believe me I have paid the price for this.

A year ago I had an exit affair with a man who was also married. His marriage has survived and mine ended, which was the right thing for us.
My H didn't care. STBXH is in a relationship which I assume is post break up although I'm not sure.

My main problem is that I fell deeply in love with the OM. It hurts so much, even though it ended nearly a year ago. Will it get easier? I don't know how long I can bear the pain for. I don't want to quit my job because that just adds to the losses I face. I feel the pain because I long for him, & it made me realise how dead my marriage was. I feel guilt for pain I caused his family and I feel grief for the loss of my own family unit.

Any advice would be welcome. I'm quite sure I'm not the first to be in this position nor the last, but hell, it's hard.

[Myselfagain]

Mmmm, name change not so consistent then! Maybe I am a bit more myselfagain and a bit less goingtoworkiskillingme since you folks have helped me.

[Myselfagain]

I enjoyed work again in OM's absence today. It makes it clearer that I need to not work with him. But I love my job. I spoke to a colleague and she didn't appear troubled at the possibility of shifting our work context around. I'll speak to our manager at our next meeting and I know he's open to the possibility. My colleague was having a tricky professional difficulty and I'm grateful that we help each other so much.

My new business is now registered with companies house and I spoke to a contact who can get me work. She also recommended an excellent divorce lawyer who I'm meeting on Friday. So feeling much less downtrodden! Apart from desperately dreading his return of course...

[ToothbrushThief]

The man who piques your interest is not the soul mate. He is just like you, bit lost and searching for what he wants....and just happens to be passing through your orbit at same time as you feel like this.

Someone up thread said they lost respect for OM because he'd done it to his wife. I think if you have an affair you lose respect for yourself and other man.

If your marriage is empty; fix, accept it if it's unfixable ... or leave. Have respect for yourself.

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

jj difficult ground you're on, isn't it? I'll tell you what happened for me and what I'd do differently.

I wonder what the hell I was thinking and what I didn't see. It scares me the extent to which I didn't see. I guess the cost of seeing the truth was the end of my marriage. OM & I were friends and he increasingly passionately pursued me. I began by saying 'back off, there's too much to risk'. But he kept on. Clearly I didn't say it loud enough and/or part of me wanted it. I thought my marriage was adequate, I had settled and over the years not noticed how low my expectations had got.

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

I really enjoyed work today in OM's absence. Idiots that we are to have f**d up a good professional relationship. I do not want to quit my job if at all is clearer. Need to approach colleagues for their help. Again humbling.

crazy I love the images you use. The mash of feelings and everything being razed to the ground. It is that brutal isn't it? I felt like I dynamited my whole life and just had to wait and see what was left among the rubble and dust clouds. I had no idea that all I required was a lit match. But I'll say more for Jj it gives me hope to hear that years down the line you're happy with someone else. Not that I'm in a rush, but from here I cannot ever imagine kissing someone let alone anything else.

abit your pain is palpable across the ether. I'm sorry for that.

jj I'll answer your question as honestly as I can...

[DontmindifIdo]

JJ - end your relationship with your OM, tell him you need time to get your head straight, and you do. Firstly, you've realised your marriage is in trouble, is it fixable? Do you want to end it? Then do that first, without the complication of a third party. give your H a chance, look at the problems, are they insurmountable?

Next, look at the OM, is he in the same situation? Is his relationship over? Would he leave his DW for you? Or are you facing being with neither - as soon as you leave your H, if your OM doesn't want to leave his DW and be with you, then he will pull away from you, you will make him make that decision by making it yourself, if he just wants a bit on the side, he will end your relationship, he won't want to be supporting you through your divorce. He will then fear you have 'nothing to lose' so suddenly you go from being equals in your decite to being a threat to his life. Even if your relationship limps on, by ending your marriage, your affair will become clearer that it's just an infactuation.

I have heard of many cases where couples have ended up together who had an affair, but only when one side was having an affair, when they both are, it's unlikely both people are in the same stage in their primary relationship, that is that it's in it's death throws and they just need an exit route. Therefore it's unlikely that both parties are getting the same thing out of hte relationship or want the same thing long term. It's much more likely when one side is single already.

[Abitwobblynow]

JJ, I cannot recommend to you enough an essay (you have to download it, it costs about £7) by Linda J macdonald (thatnametogether.com) called 'what will you become'? It is based on biblical references, but don't let that put you off - religious works are merely the essence of thousands of years of human experience. When 'God' said 'don't commit adultery' that wasn't being a killjoy - it was a WARNING.

I cannot begin to tell you how unbelievably painful this all is. Our society simply does not talk about it enough. That essay will kick you right in the bollocks. And if you are tempted to dismiss a single word? You are deluding yourself. The loss she describes are the losses YOU WILL undergo if you follow this road and go deeper into the temptation.

I am inarticulate trying to speak about the pain. And like Macbeth, once it is done it can never be undone.

So, JJ, this is my advice to you. Go home tonight, AND TELL YOUR SPOUSE. I am really, really serious. Tell your spouse you are really serious, and that you both need to go to counselling to talk about stuff.
This will stop the secret (which is a huge driver of the spiciness of it all) and it really will get their attention. You must take this to counselling. If one person listens to me, that is one family saved from this hideous sh*t.

[JJSpire]

Going - would you mind if I asked a question?

Imagine that you could go back to the point where your relationship with OM was in it's early stages (say, just friendship with a couple of kisses), you have just realised how much you are falling for him, and at the same time just beginning to acknowledge the massive failings in your marriage.

If you could have your time over from that stage, is there anything that you would do differently?

Sorry to be cryptic! If it's not obvious enough, I am in exactly that position now and reading your thread is almost like a snapshot into the future for me.
You sound very level-headed and sensible, and a lot of your feelings seem remarkably similar to my own, so I would really value any insight that you may have to offer.

Sadly, I am not sure that I can ever get my feelings back for dh, but at this stage it is really not too late for me to try.

[crazyhead]

Just to say that is sounds like you are doing all the right things (esp with the distance at work), and try not to beat yourself up too much. When something as big as a marriage explodes, it is hard to manage it in a way that the debris doesn't hurt other people as well as yourself - respect to people who do manage it!

The whole experience made me more compassionate in a way because it made me realise how usually nice people can do pretty regrettable things under stress. In my case, it felt as though my relationship was this huge great pile of dry wood, and the OM was this lit match - it just took one spark for everything to be razed to the ground :(

Years down the line I am very happy indeed with the right man. Funnily enough, HIS crumbling marriage ended when his wife had an exit affair in the exact same circumstances, and he has a lot of sympathy for me and his ex - I think he feels that both of us did a stupid thing in difficult circumstances that we really paid such a high price for in guilt and sadness. So people do understand!

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

Oops! Doh. toothbrush I am determined to out myself! No matter.

I wanted to separate out my dilemmas to think clearly which has been amazingly helpful. My other thread is to do with legal and stbxh's resistance to full financial disclosure. I had a moment of strength and clarity yesterday with the help of MN. I'd link to it if I knew how. I am going to stand up to STBXH. It's a more positive pseudonym isn't it?! Both are true.

These things are emotional and complex aren't they. I am trying to pick my way amidst the strategy, pain and professional. I hope I'll get there. Off to work now and can breathe in the absence of OM.

[ToothbrushThief]

Not sure if you meant to change your name back but ...

[Myselfagain]

Ok thanks toothbrush I'm just being paranoid then! MN deleted that post for me. I'm just ashamed of the hurt I caused is all and I'm very very well qualified to know better. This thread has been full of helpful and compassionate wisdom and this morning I feel stronger in relation to OM and STBXH. I can see how I got there, although in hindsight I should have kicked out H years ago. Knowing what I know now my temptation & desire would be a useful indicator but, my god, I wouldn't act on it. But it is a useful and humbling lesson about my fallibility. And there are way in which I have changed for the better that I treasure.

I am dreading OM's return next week & I'm still planning to ask for my colleagues help in working less with him. They are also kind & compassionate & on my side. My friend came round last night to help plan my business website. I bought the site address! All baby steps.

[ToothbrushThief]

I read all the posts (I think) and haven't a clue what you do for a living. The alluding to wellingtons, candles and marigold gloves threw me.

I sometimes feel completely exposed on here. If anyone knew me they could read my posts and I'd 'fit that profile' but there are so many posters, posts etc it's highly unlikely

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

No mumsnet please don't delete the whole thread! Just the post where I say what I do for a living and therefore shows me up for exactly how unbelievably f***g stupid I am

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

Thanks abit. I'm sorry you have been so hurt too. Can you say if it is easier for you yet?

[Abitwobblynow]

Don't worry Going none of it makes sense and you can't be identified.

Bottom line, we are all hurting here. So I doubt there are any pointing fingers

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

Oh no, last post won't disappear!

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

Asked for my last post to be withdrawn because I felt too exposed giving away my job. Like I say, I should have known better.

But I wanted to still say less your personal experience is valuable. I need to hear from others to make it tolerable. I have decided to put him behind me. abit I want to hold onto the symbolism and what it brought out in me. I am sorry it caused such hurt but I do not want to lose the good. stern I agree that H is excellent a rationalising things. So good I cannot live in that kind of deadness, despite it's usefulness as a protection.

sparkly what an absolutely spot on post. The situation has been so full of contradictions it is still hard for me to hold such a coherent narrative. I am getting there. crazy thank you for telling me & I'm glad it got better. Gives me hope and I do wonder if my grief over my marriage got channelled into the OM where there was more energy for it.

And you're all right that I do need not to work with him, but whilst he was away today I realise I still love my job. I am good at it and believe passionately in what I do. I may see if my colleagues, very kind and compassionate so far, will help move things around so that I am not working so closely with him.

[crazyhead]

Hello OP

I was in your situation - exit affair with a man at work (we sat next to each other - nice one). He stayed in the relationship in the end, I didn't, very in love with OM, didn't want to leave my work as I felt like I'd lose everything...

The mash of feelings was just awful and brutal. A few years down the line, feelings for OM seem completely unreal, in contrast to my exited relationship, which rightly ended but was a real, huge part of my life and the one that I really needed to mourn for.

What sort of work do you do? Could he leave? Could you leave and get a similar job? I ask because in my case, working together not only enabled the affair in the first place (I honestly feel it would never have gone beyond a kiss otherwise, that was the trigger I needed to deal with my need for a breakup, but I was cracking up, and there he was every day) it would have shortened the agony by a couple of years for me. Him eventually leaving made a huge difference.

In his shoes, if I was trying to make my relationship work, I'd want to be away from you. Maybe you should point that out to him. Maybe you should both agree to look for other jobs, which is what we did.

[SparklyRedShoes]

It hurts like hell now, but I don't think you ought to think about the situation in such very black and white terms. Intially, it seems helpful in terms of getting over someone and the pain of loss, but in the long-term it delays recovery as the feelings can turn into resentment, anger, hatred even or inwards to low self-worth, feeling unlovable etc.

For e.g. instead of saying, 'neither man wanted you' think logically and rationally.

At one point your ex-husband must have wanted you a great deal and loved you. He asked to marry you, and for a while at least you must have been very happy together. You shared a family together and brought two (?)DCs into this world. Now if that is only one good thing that came out of your marriage its a very very good thing. Your DCs wouldn't be who they are without your ex either, no matter how cold he appears.

Yes things didn't go as you expected, but sometimes the nature of a relationship changes. Whilst feeling devasted at losing your marriage, try and see it as a good thing you had, try and see how lucky you were to experience even the good times - things like these are what a life is made of. In time, after the acrimony dies down, you may well become good friends with your ex again. I know people who love their exs dearly - just differently.

The OM probably had strong feelings for you too. They just weren't stronger than the feelings he has for his wife. Had you met when he was unattached things might have been different. Although it is painful now, he at least has helped you realise what you do and don't want in a new relationship. Even had he left his wife, you would have had a relationship in which you would never feel secure and 100% able to trust. You would also have a double whammy of guilt, and step-children who would likely not appreciate you, all facts considered.

All this points to several things: you are to all intents and purposes, desirable, attractive, likeable and very lovable. You've made bad mistakes and decisions. Personally, I believe that the nicer a person is the more they feel the pain from any mistakes they make. Bad decisions roll off the back of nasty people.

So try and fill your life with a range of new experiences and eventually the pain will get less and less. It may take as long as 2 years or so, but one day you'll be able to look back without recrimination or hurt. I still say leaving your job is the crucial first step.

[sternface]

I'm glad you've been having your own therapy OP and that you are dealing with the realisation that I mentioned in my post.

One thing though. I'd be a bit more circumspect about your husband's motivations and why he didn't appear to be bothered. You allude to a suspicion that he might have been having an affair himself in which case as you know yourself, his feelings about your relationship will have become muddied because of the other involvement. His true feelings about the loss of you and his marriage might take a while to come out and without some honesty between you as former marriage partners, you might never know how either of you would have felt about the loss of your marriage, if no third parties had been involved.

It's possible that you were both having exit affairs, but it's equally possible that if your husband hadn't been involved with someone himself, he would have felt your loss more painfully. Right now he might be telling himself that you solved a problem for him and even hypocritically, that he is better off with someone who hasn't cheated on him. Ludicrous as that sounds, it's amazing how people's bruised egoes produce those double-standards. Your husband's under-reaction might be a defence mechanism, rather than a genuine reflection of his feelings.

I only mention this because you say that it hurts that neither man wanted you and on the face of it, it seemed as though the OM mourned your loss more than your husband. But that might not be the case at all.

[Abitwobblynow]

What Less says, I think. Fake it till you make it.

How about, celebrating the feeling alive and wanted - the SYMBOLISM of it?

and refusing to think of someone who loves his wife and family.

[Less]

I can't offer any professional insight as other have done, but for me it was "deciding" I was going to get over it and put it behind me.

I know exactly what you mean about him sneaking into your thoughts and for a long time I wallowed in that and believed I had no control over it. One day I just decided it had to stop and I wasn't going to let him him. From then on I have (almost) always caught myself as soon as it starts and made myself go any do something else to distract myself from it. Not easy at first but then became a habit - a bit like thinking about him in the first place had been,

I do think you need to do what ever it takes not to have to see him at work.

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

God I'm an idiot.