How do I get over my own affair?

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

Don't jump on me. Believe me I have paid the price for this.

A year ago I had an exit affair with a man who was also married. His marriage has survived and mine ended, which was the right thing for us.
My H didn't care. STBXH is in a relationship which I assume is post break up although I'm not sure.

My main problem is that I fell deeply in love with the OM. It hurts so much, even though it ended nearly a year ago. Will it get easier? I don't know how long I can bear the pain for. I don't want to quit my job because that just adds to the losses I face. I feel the pain because I long for him, & it made me realise how dead my marriage was. I feel guilt for pain I caused his family and I feel grief for the loss of my own family unit.

Any advice would be welcome. I'm quite sure I'm not the first to be in this position nor the last, but hell, it's hard.

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

Thanks toothbrush. It's funny 'cause people I know from different places have been commenting on how alive I seem & how happy & 'bubbly'. And I feel it. I am still alive. Really alive. It's such a powerful, joyful feeling. Even in my pain it's aliveness. And weirdly I think if he and I had ended up together in the midst of that trauma & confusion I would have lost that. In fact in moments of clarity, like now when you remind me, I realise it's not even to do with him anyway. I'm not sure it was ever to do with him specifically. And I do NOT want to send him off with this power & joy that I don't think is his to take.

See that is clearer isn't it? So where the fuck does it all go when I drop into the pit of despair over him?! When I set foot in work I lose it in an instant. Maybe it all points to me needing to make a go of this business & free myself again.

[Abitwobblynow]

Don'tmind: 'what was the OM doing? His marriage isn't failing, he wasn't looking for a way out, he wasn't deeply in love with you (as he wouldn't be happy for your relationship to end if he was), so what was he looking for? A shag? An ego boost? Just wanting to 'play' a bit and have an intersting distraction '

Is this a shrewd guess, or are you speculating?

What do you think, Going? What were his motives and what did he do when his wife found out?

[LemonDrizzled]

Excellent post Toothbrush!

[Condover]

Whilst understanding completely all the double standards, I found in time that I really didn't want a "proper" relationship with OM.

Although when we were together I had more fun that I have ever had and he made me feel safe and cherished in a way that no-one else ever has, I came to realise that there was no way I could ever be happy with him. Even if we were both free to have a life together, knowing what I know about the ease with which he deceived his DW means I could never truly trust him. FWIW I do still think he's a decent man who fell in love and did some stupid things, but the knowledge that he was able to do it so easily made starting the recovery process far more possible for me.

I didn't really recover until I'd put some distance between us and left my job though. I could go for several days and hardly think about him after a while, but seeing him was incredibly hard.

A lot of time has passed since then and I now occasionally see him socially - we're pretty good friends, but I know absolutely that it will never be anything else. To achieve that we had a long spell when we had no contact at all.

[donotsquandertime]

Goingto: Some days I think I have found peace and moved on,other days it hurts again, like you I never expected to see myself in this position. A few years ago I would have judged any woman who had an affair as wrong/selfish and think it would never happen to me but now I know these situations can and do happen to all types of people. We are all human and all flawed and often follow our heart, it takes a strong person to walk away. I meant to ask do you honestly look forward to seeing him every day at work? like now are you thinking about seeing him tomorrow?

[Abitwobblynow]

Why don't they leave their wives? That is the bit I don't understand.

[LemonDrizzled]

I think a lot of men feel that they have worked hard for years to buy a home and achieve financial security. They may be less than happy in their marriage and perhaps have an affair but when it comes to it they don't want to go through a divorce and lose their home and their children. Also they would be seen as having abandoned their DC and criticised for that.

A woman in the same position tends to keep the DC with her and a roof over her head. It is a common perception that divorced men live alone in a cramped bedsit or on a leaky houseboat.

Just my thoughts trying to understand...

[Less]

I don't think all men are that heartless/ practical Lemon.

I think it's entirely possible for men as well as women to feel torn between the woman who makes them feel alive and the family they love, albeit in a different way. I think most often they don't leave because they don't want to hurt their wife and DC and naively they manage to convince themselves that DW will never find out. The double life doesn't make them happy any more than it makes the OW happy.

Of course there are serial adulterers too who are completely different, but IME when a men fall in love they can fall much harder than women and love can make all of us do stupid things.

[donotsquandertime]

Lemon: Wise words it is never easy to walk out of a marriage, and people do stay for the sake of their children or simply not wishing to hurt their partner. Also you build up a life together shared finances/ friends etc, most men/women would not be prepared to walk away from all this responsibility, and put their own happiness before their children or at the risk of leaving their partner devastated. Falling in love with someone you can't have causes all sorts of problems emotionally and practicaly

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

abit I try not to speculate what was going on for him mostly. I also try not to criticise his wife because it doesn't feel good to do so. I find when I type out speculation I end up deleting it. I don't know. Although I do believe what he felt for me was real in its own way and life just isn't simple. And I think when his wife, who's no pushover, found out then losing his kids terrified him. Having gone through the serious pain of ending even a dead marriage myself I can really understand why people stay married, even when it's not great.

That's interesting cond. Did you leave partners for each other? I can see why you left your job.

donot I dread seeing him at work. He's off next week (with his family, ouch) and I feel physically relieved to know he's not there. I can breathe in the corridor. Work is still hard for its own reasons but I feel more able to deal with it. I don't ever look forward to seeing him. Sometimes I use a desk in a different building, but I miss my friend who I share an office with and I feel like I will not exile myself.

I told my immediate colleagues about it recently and they were very kind. It helped. I could shift locations with them so that I don't work directly with him, but we'd still be on the same corridor and I feel uncomfortable that I'd be asking them to undergo a big upheaval because of my actions. But I am touched that they want me to stay and haven't jumped down my throat about something so stupid.

I'm not proud of this part either but sometimes I'm jealous of him. I envy his still intact marriage & even if it's not easy for them I'm envious that they look inconspicuous. I envy their secure finances, they're more than secure really. I envy that they had something to fight for and I was just given up without a backwards glance.

I dread walking into the building to that pain. I count the hours til I'm home safely. And when I've seen him he follows me home into my thoughts. I want him to leave.

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

lemon I agree that it would be easier for a man to feel vilified and blamed for leaving his children.

It is also just easier to stay with the status quo isn't it? Separation and divorce are hard.

[donotsquandertime]

Goingto: its perfectly normal to feel envious/jealous that his marriage is in tact and continuing, and no one would want to feel they were given up with ease, but perhaps he struggles with missing you/thinking of you. I fully understand how you feel about seeing him and the pain, I was happy when he was off/out/sick/on holiday anything so I couldn't see him or and this will sound sad smell him

[Abitwobblynow]

I try not to speculate what was going on for him mostly.

But isn't that important, otherwise ... why? Why do it then?

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

donot OM had a shower when he got to work the other week and smelling him nearby knocked me flat! I find the lack of physical touch, not just by him, in my life a wrench.

And even more sadly I think OM found it much more painful giving me up than my H did. Not a glimmer from him after 13 years. I find it strange. I would have a pang even about moving out of DCs house. But nothing. Didn't exactly make me feel special...

[Alurkatsoftplay]

Going, you're only a year down the line from some tumultuous times. As toothbrush thief said, it isn't always going to hurt.
Really.
You are probably in a better place than you were two years ago, one year ago. The pain and shame will subside and with distance you will understand more of what happened. Wishing you luck.

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

abit do you mean why did I have the affair t if I didn't know what was going on for him?

It makes me go round in loops if I think about it because there was so much confusion and so many contradictions. From both of us.

I think she may be a bit like my H and less loving than OM is, maybe he was running away from responsibility, maybe he isn't too happy but couldn't leave the kids/face looking bad. He compartmentalised his life? I just don't know.

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

Thanks alurk. Does it not sound so long then? It just feels like a lifetime. When I was a different person. And I think you're right, I wouldn't want to be in the place of one or two years ago. So it must be better.

So I just need to trust that I will recover and get over this man. He is just a man.

[blueshoes]

Going, ... and getting over this man you will in the fullness of time.

In your case, no man had ever made you come alive before you met OM. That vests the relationship you had with OM with a lot more significance than it would mean to someone who had been around the block, as it were. I had lots of relationships before I married dh and no matter how deeply I felt for any person before, and how much I did not want the relationship to end, I did eventually get over them. So I know with a certainty, that it will happen.

And the best way to get over someone is to meet someone else.

Give yourself time. Be kind to yourself. Your posts sound so sincere and self-aware. I really hope you get closure soon.

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

Thanks blue, very much, for your kind words.

I am glad that you know, with a certainty, that I will get over him. I don't know that yet so I will trust in your wisdom.

[sternface]

OP I'm posting this in order to support you and to help you move on, but I think what's holding you back is that you might have a flawed script operating about why the OM stayed in his marriage. On a professional basis, I've spoken to lots of men in his situation and they tell me something that they never seem to have the courage to tell the OW - that the main reason they are staying is because they love their wives more and that the loss of her would therefore be far more painful than the loss of the OW.

I've also spoken to lots of women in your situation and this is the bit that they struggle with most. It's especially difficult for women like you who are doing all the right things i.e. not hating the OM, taking responsibility for their actions and trying to get over an enormous loss. But the thing that holds them back all the time is this belief that if it hadn't been for the kids, the house and the finances, the OM would have left his wife.

When OM aren't honest about this when the relationship ends, it is an unfairness to both of the women in the triangle - and all because he cannot bear to appear the 'bad guy' to the OW who might then think badly of him. But by lying about his real reasons for choosing his wife over the OW, he is committing a further offence against his marriage by letting the OW believe that if all things had been equal, she would have been his choice - and a further offence against the OW by letting her believe that he is making a noble sacrifice and giving up the true love of his life.

Something I often suggest to both OM and OW is that they find a way to permit that message being given; sometimes in the form of a letter if personal contact would be too painful for all 3 people in the triangle, or a final 'clearing of the air' meeting - but this can be very difficult for the partner who is still trying to regain trust.

To women in your situation, if that opportunity is not going to be available, or if it does and they still hear the same 'if it wasn't for the kids.....' message, I encourage them to look at things a bit more logically. At one end of the spectrum is a man who made the very human mistake like her of falling in love, while still loving his wife. It is of course possible to have very strong feelings for two people. At the other is the man who does this all the time. Then there are huge shades of grey in between; people who were merely infatuated but said it was love, people for whom the affair was more about the feelings being reflected about him and less to do with feelings about the OW. But invariably, if after being found out he stays with his wife and wants her forgiveness, it is because of his feelings for her and what he gets from his relationship with her that compels him to make that choice.

Of course like his wife, it's often very difficult to separate out those feelings of love from the fear of upheaval that a divorce will herald and also the feelings about the impact on the children - and on both of the couple if they have to parent separately. But for a couple trying to rebuild a relationship after an affair has been discovered, it's something I encourage them to do, because if they are staying together because of those other ties that bind and not because of their depth of feeling for one another, it will not work. IME, the marriages that survive affairs are the ones where the love is still very strong and where both parties are very clear about why they are fighting to stay in their marriages.

That's how these admissions from OM emerge - even in the safety of a one-to-one without their wives being present. When push came to shove, even if the feelings for the OW were strong - they weren't strong enough, or as strong as they were for his wife.

Practically speaking, it isn't going to get any easier while you're still working with him - and I agree with an earlier insightful post that there is a trade-off for you of prolonging this agony by continuing to be co-workers. Try to work towards that trade-off being of less importance or necessity to you.

Do consider some therapy of your own to help you process some of this. You made a human mistake and you need to forgive yourself for it, but I think the key to this is forgiving yourself and him for respectively believing - and giving - a false script. His motive might have been both not to hurt you unnecessarily which he thought was for the best, but also quite selfish in not wanting you to think less of him. If you can get some honesty, consider it. If not, apply some logic to the situation and then let it - and him - go.

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

Thanks stern for your thoughtful post.

Thank god, I have a great therapist (done an an believable amount of therapy, yet still here I am, doh!). I don't think it will blow my cover to say I do a closely related job for a living. Makes it all the more ironic/stupid really. I should know better.

You're right, of course he must love his wife more. I think the creeping realisation of that has been one of the most painful things. Especially as clearly my H didn't love me. I think the double whammy of feeling dropped has been particularly painful. I would feel utterly unloved in the world if it wasn't for such great friends. But I am still faced viscerally with that devastation when I see OM.

I guess I see that it is hopeless with him & I wish my feelings would follow that logic. So then going to work is the problem... It gets clearer because I'm fine about it all mostly when i'm away from him. So do I ask my colleagues if there's a way we can swap things so that one of them works with him and I take their place with their co-workers? It feels selfish to do that, just because of my stupidity, or I would have already. Or do I apply for jobs in a different geographical patch & arrange my childcare differently? Or do I grow my business in the knowledge it may well allow me to be free? I could discuss it with OM and he may have chances to move where he is based? Or does that fuel it further?

I don't especially want another partner, but I have this feeling that if one cropped up, even temporarily, it'd distract me enough to change this ridiculous groove and keep me in the job that I loved.

I answer it in my name don't it? Working there is killing me.

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

An unbelievable amount. Freudian slip.

[Goingtoworkiskillingme]

God I'm an idiot.

[Less]

I can't offer any professional insight as other have done, but for me it was "deciding" I was going to get over it and put it behind me.

I know exactly what you mean about him sneaking into your thoughts and for a long time I wallowed in that and believed I had no control over it. One day I just decided it had to stop and I wasn't going to let him him. From then on I have (almost) always caught myself as soon as it starts and made myself go any do something else to distract myself from it. Not easy at first but then became a habit - a bit like thinking about him in the first place had been,

I do think you need to do what ever it takes not to have to see him at work.

[Abitwobblynow]

What Less says, I think. Fake it till you make it.

How about, celebrating the feeling alive and wanted - the SYMBOLISM of it?

and refusing to think of someone who loves his wife and family.