Just told DP about being raped in the past and he's flipped the fuck out, please somebody help me I don't know what to do :(

[theworldisoutthere]

I just told DP about this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1513761-Didnt-know-where-else-to-ask-this-difficult-question-just-wanted-thoughts-I-guess-May-be-triggering

I went into more detail about how it was repeated over years than I did on here. I did it because I felt braver for finally asking my doctor today to refer me for therapy, which he has as well as increasing my AD dosage. I didn't want to still hae this secret. We've been together 5 years but I've never spoken about it to anyone before.

He flipped the fuck out, says he "doesn't know what to do or think any more" that he "still loves me but can't touch me" and "this change everything", he "doesn't know how to think about me anymore"...

I moved from the bedroom where we were talking to te spare room because I was really upset and hurt, he got angry at me for doing that. The last thing he said to me was to hand in notice on our house tomorrow and that he hopes I have a nice life :(

So now he's gone downstairs and I'm up here on my phone and I'm a total mess, please somebody tell me what to do :( I don't know what to do :(

It must of been do hard for you to tell him that and I'm really sorry he responded in that way.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but didn't want to leave your post without offering some support.

He will probably calm down in a bit and come back perhaps he just didn't handle the shock well?

Do you have anyone in rl. You can phone ?

Oh, you poor thing. The very last thing you need is the one who is supposed to love you most and support you to apparently blame you for your past abuse. I haven't read your other thread, I will do so now, but I wanted to post first so you know I'm here.

All I can suggest is to leave him for a while, let him process what you've told him. Hopefully his reaction was out of shock, though that doesn't make it any less appalling. If he's any kind of man he'll be crawling back with every kind of apology under the sun. If not, well, as sad as it may be, you've seen his true colours.

Huge hugs....

Aww world

I had a similar reaction from my ex when I told him what had happened to me. He's not an ex because of it though we lasted years after.

You were brave for opening up to him. Don't forget that. im sorry I'm not much help

God. I'd let him have a bit of time to himself before I would want to talk to him again.

Do you have somewhere else you could go to? A friend or your mum?

Oh sweetheart. YOU don't do anything now except look after yourself. It's up to him to do something and that's apologise for his reaction and offer his love and support.

I'm sure there are a million psychological reasons for his reaction. I'm sure it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. I'm sure it's just shock. And if he's a decent sort he WILL apologise and help you through this.

If not, he doesn't deserve you!

Why did he say to hand in notice on the house? Why was he angry about you moving into the spare room?

I agree have some distance for now. you've been through this, you need support not rejection x

Just read your other thread. I have to say I'm baffled by your partner's reaction. Surely he's aware that you had previous partners before you met him? How if that fact that one of them was a total arse who took advantage of you a dealbreaker to him.

Like I said before, hopefully he's just shocked and lashed out inappropriately. But you're quite right to feel bewildered, hurt and betrayed right now. If he doesn't grovel for forgiveness, well....

Oh darling... that's an awful reaction and probably not what you expected and definitely not what you needed... but I agree with the others that you need to take some space, let him process it and see what he comes back with. An apology, for starters... then hopefully sensitive questions.

I've been there, I feel your pain.

And I'm holding your hand if that helps
xx

Oh world. He's shocked. You're emotionally vulnerable and feeling his anger at being kept in the dark even more.
This will take time.
I confess that I haven't read your other thread but this is what you do IMO: Breathe deeply, and know that you have been truthful to yourself. If he cannot handle it (in time) then that says a LOT about him.

He needs to process this. Imagine you are a cave woman and he has just gone out to sort his head out in the wilderness for a while. He will be back.

You have an immediate choice to make regarding sleeping in the spare room though. This is a mistake in my view; you are letting the wanker who did this to you win ffs. If your dp is not comfortable with it, he can sleep there for a while. You have NOTHING to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Go to your own bed, calmly, with your head held high, wearing your most comfy and cuddly pjs.

I'm so sorry his reaction was less supportive than it could have been. Give him time. He probably hates his own gender right now for this and doesn't know what to do/think/say.
Good luck.

Just had to reply to you, I went through something similar. Give him some time, its a hell of a thing to take in. He's probably feeling very confused right now, not that its an excuse to flip out when you need his support but hang on in there till he has a chance to work it all out in his head.

Telling him was a very brave thing to do, sometimes saying the words out loud is the hardest thing in the world but it is important that you can do it. He had to know if you were going to start therapy because you'll feel a hundred kinds of wierd after each session and he will need to understand what you're going through.

You've started a difficult process tonight but it is a start, look at it as positively as you can. It may be time to start sharing your burden with other people who love you too x

First of all a big hug. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've never been in your position and can only offer general advice.

Your DP's attitude is very immature and all about him. Hopefully, it's just a massive shock to him.. not very supporting I know. It was the right decision to tell him - you deserve to be supported in RL, it was very brave of you to seek help and I hope your therapy goes well. Is there anyone in your family / friends you could also tell ?

My advice is get as much sleep as you can tonight and see how things are in the morning. Your relationship might not be over - if both of you are willing to work on it (you might even feel you don't want to forgive him), maybe seek some advice from Relate or your therapist. Also a little time away from each other could give you both the space to think.

Please take care of yourself first, and if he wants to sort out his issues don't deal with him until you feel strong enough. Sleep will help, everything seems worse when your emotionally drained and tired.

I'm sure some other ladies will help more practically in the morning too, if not before.

...well what kind of reaction is that :(

Wondering if there something we don't know here....is it important to him that you were untouched before he lived with you, or something like this.

You're describing an assault on your person and he 'can't touch you' and says 'have a nice life'?

This isn't just shock, I don't think.

But the important person is you OP, have a good sleep. Don't bother answering me, I'm just shocked on your behalf. Sending you a hug too. You're going through such a lot right now.

Have just spent an hour talking, going to try and get some sleep now. Definitely shock, and I of course feeling vulnerable panicked. Thank you so much for all of your replies, will be back in the morning xx

Oh world so sorry your going thru this. I haven't read your other thread so I can't comment on that particular experience.

Your DP probably just needs space to get his head around it. His reaction has been awful, he needs to think about you and how hard it has been for you to move on from your ordeal and for you to be brave enough to tell him about it. Don't give up hope on your relationship just yet, once he has time to think he will hopefully realise what a selfish idiot he is and take back what he said.

If he carries on with that attitude then don't beat yourself up about it, you been through enough already and the last thing you need is to feel bad about opening up. If he can't handle it then that's his problem and should tell you that he isn't the man you thought.

I too have had someone react to me telling them I was raped. My exP was just quiet when I told him. I thought that it was because he didn't know how to react, which partly it was. When he left that night (we lived apart) he seemed ok but then I didn't hear from him for a few days. It upset me that I trusted him enough to tell him and he appeared not to acknowledge it. I also felt very low because I didn't know what he then thought of me. He did come around couple of days later and apologised for how he reacted but it wasn't because he thought any less of me, it was because he was so angry with the guy that done it and didn't want to upset me any further by being angry.

Like others here have said, try talk to a close friend or relative too about your ordeal.

Hope you can sort things out. Big hugs xx

What a horrible kick in the teeth for you.

Well done for going to the spare room.

I honestly don't know if you should consider yourself lucky or heartbroken right now but I am inclined to think lucky is the one to choose for the long term even though heartbroken and devastated probably fit the bill this minute..

I think you may have been spared a life of utter misery with this man by the revelation that this incident has provided about his character. I am not sure the reaction came from not knowing what to say. I suspect it has more to do with seeing you as damaged goods, from a belief that only loose women get raped, from a sense of entitlement to know everything about you and in some way possess you in your entirety. No matter what, the reaction had no kindness, no gentleness, no empathy for you. It was all him, him , him. His anger at your decision to go to the spare room shows a complete inability to respect you.

When you go to your rape counselling, please make sure you talk about this too.

You are incredibly brave and I hope you can stay string tonight. If you need someone to talk to, would you consider the Samaritans? They are there to listen and they are kind.

I can't believe people are making excuses for this man's unforgiveable behaviour by saying he was "shocked". What about poor OP, going through the abuse in the first place? I don't think I could stay with a man who had reacted with such misogynistic misunderstanding.

OP, I feel for you.

Male pride can be a weird and wonderful thing but, regardless of gender, a curve ball of this nature can easily unsettle someone who believes themselves to be in a relationship in which there are no secrets.

You've had many years to process your unfortunate experience; give him time and don't be surprised if he expresses a degree of hurt at your failure to confide in him earlier and at his powerlessness to undo the past.

I can understand he might be shocked, but he needs to get it together and apologise (well, grovel actually) for his comments. His response was out of order. To give context - I was assaulted at 19 and when I told my (now) DH two years later my DH was upset for me, not at me. He then helped me work through my confusion about it all and we have a wonderful marriage.

I didn't read your original thread - I read the trigger warning and I do try to avoid thinking about it all these days - but I can say that you have been very brave to tell him, I hope the counselling helps, and you were right to go to the spare room as otherwise you would be sending the message to him that his response/comments were fine.

Oh shit. I really did not expect that. I remember the other thread and I really assumed he would be supportive though of course devastated for you.

My honest, gut reaction? He's a nasty piece of work who now sees 'his' woman as tainted. I can see the point of people here saying he needs time etc but really, for me, the words he used speak volumes about his real attitude, and no amount of grovelling and "sorry I was shocked" would ever take those nasty words away. Ever. I would not be able to forget them. I was abused too so of course I am more sensitive to this kind of thing but there it is in black and white:

1. You tell him about being raped
2. He gets angry at YOU
3. He suggests splitting up

WTF

The MN mantra comes to mind - when somebody shows you their true colours, believe them.

I'm really sorry :(

What mathanxiety said. This has been very revealing of his character and beliefs and they're not pretty.

Is he usually this selfish? Because that's a staggeringly self-centred reaction. I agree with mathanxiety too.

What's in a word; especially words which may have been spoken or written in haste?

No doubt word will be back later today to extrapolate on Definitely shock, and I of course feeling vulnerable panicked from which I'm assuming that some misinterpretation has occurred.

Agree with math and fuzzpig. What an arse, 'have a nice life' ?!

I'm hazarding a guess that may have been said in anger response to word moving into the spare room which may have given him the impression that she was dumping him, chips.

Just playing devil's advocate sayin'...

I'm with izzy. I don't know how I would have coped in your situation. But the human mind is funny. I get the impression from your last post you are gaining ground.

I know you are the victim here. But he's just learnt his loved one has been hurt, is still hurting and he can't do anything about it. I'm not justifying his reaction, but the weird old way the mind works. Is understandable.