Just told DP about being raped in the past and he's flipped the fuck out, please somebody help me I don't know what to do :(

[theworldisoutthere]

I just told DP about this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1513761-Didnt-know-where-else-to-ask-this-difficult-question-just-wanted-thoughts-I-guess-May-be-triggering

I went into more detail about how it was repeated over years than I did on here. I did it because I felt braver for finally asking my doctor today to refer me for therapy, which he has as well as increasing my AD dosage. I didn't want to still hae this secret. We've been together 5 years but I've never spoken about it to anyone before.

He flipped the fuck out, says he "doesn't know what to do or think any more" that he "still loves me but can't touch me" and "this change everything", he "doesn't know how to think about me anymore"...

I moved from the bedroom where we were talking to te spare room because I was really upset and hurt, he got angry at me for doing that. The last thing he said to me was to hand in notice on our house tomorrow and that he hopes I have a nice life :(

So now he's gone downstairs and I'm up here on my phone and I'm a total mess, please somebody tell me what to do :( I don't know what to do :(

I've seen plenty of posters on here who've said the OP's partner was in the wrong while also wishing her well and saying they hope the relationship is sorted.

Doesn't sound like lambasting to me.

izzyin, that's how I read it. And how I still read it. We can have a little bunfight on a thread where the OP is clearly distressed, or we can just leave it. How about the second option?

If you re-read the OP, yr. it should become apparent to you that was not his initial reaction to world telling hm she'd been raped years ago.

World was obviously upset when she posted on this board in the middle of the night and, while we can read the words that he allegedly said to her, there's no indication of the words she said to him when she moved into the spare room and he, perhaps misinterpreting her action as their relationship being over, told her to have a nice life.

FWIW, in attempting to set your account straight I have no wish to create, or enter into, a bunfight.

If you are unwilling to review your postiion, I would suggest we agree to differ.

Right. Well I'd say we're really arguing the same thing, so not sure what your point is.

Symfem - the reason I can't find anything positive to say is because I personally don't believe there is anything positive. I've said over and over that this (what i believe) does not mean the dp is a scumbag (never even said i believe he is) or that the reasons for his reaction are not benign. All my point is is that I don't think this is good, that I think the unguarded reaction (whatever the reasons) is worrying and I would keep that in mind and treat it as a red flag. I don't see where you are reading what you are writing.

And izzy - there is more than one valid way to read the op. yr's interpretation is just as valid as yours, I don't see why you think your way of thinking is the only way of thinking about it.

It's not a question of thinking about it, Offred.

It's a matter of record as written by world that the last thing he said to her was 'have a nice life' but yr appears to have discounted the evidence of her own eyes and opted to claim that 'have a nice life' is what he said as an initial response to world telling him that she had been a victim of rape.

Were this the case, I would concede that he may deserve some of the opprobrium that's been heaped on him here. As it is, I see no reason not to give him the benefit of the doubt which, clearly, is what world has chosen to do.

When my mum told me she'd been raped, I got up and ran out of the house. It wasn't that I didn't care it was the shock I think and the fight or flight reflex kicked in, it was automatic I didn't think about it.

Why would anyone react like this? I think he's being cut a lot of slack personally. It's really weird. Why no concern. This is a woman he's known and loved for 5 years and his response is all about how he feels.

Yes you can see no positives. You have been presented with alternatives. The oh has said he is a good man. So why persist down the line you choose. How we react is totally unexpected and not a reflection of who we are a lot of the time.

It is though, it depends on your personal scope of the word "initial". It could either be narrowly defined as what was said in the immediate response to the disclosure or more widely as the initial conversation following disclosure. It isn't objectively wrong to say that blaming and storming out with words designed to hurt should not be a feature of the wider defined "initial" response no matter what the op had said to him. In fact the very reason for the op was that this reaction was nasty and upsetting to her.

The reason is Symfem, as I said, a person who has suffered abuse and who has not yet worked through the conditioning resulting from that abuse may not be best placed to judge who is a "good man" and what is acceptable behaviour (as I know all too well). On the flip side they may equally see abuse where there is none. That's why I suggested that no big changes should be made and that it is really essential to start working through the abuse and also to get specialist support with dealing with this situation. I have never said he is a scumbag and she should ltb. Quite the contrary, I've said I think whatever the reasons for this hurtful reaction, it was hurtful and could be a red flag - that the particular things he said are worrying because possible reasons for them could be entitlement and possessiveness and discriminatory views about raped women. I did not say that was what he thought, just that it should be considered as a possible reason and the op should remember it even if she forgave it. As for suggestions of positive things I have not seen any on this thread. There have been some suggestions of benign things in terms of his personality but none that would be benign in the relationship considering her experiences.

I'm with the others who think this doesn't mean he doesn't love you
whether he turns out to be a good 'un or not will remain to be seen, I wouldn't judge either way yet

perhaps along side the CBT etc you might consider couples councelling to explore his reactions etc.

I imagine my DH would find it hard to touch me after finding out about a trauma like this, he found it hard to touch me incase he hurt me after watching me have a very traumatic birth and a rape is 100x worse

Also he has been with you for 5 years and when new info comes to light it can feel like the past has been ripped from beneath your feet. I felt this way when I found out about a rape within my family - I felt that my past was a lie and I didn't know what was real etc etc, took time to separate that out from EVERYTHING about my relationships within the family if that makes sense? Took a while to trust that the rest of the past was real..

anyway, best of luck, hope he turns out to be a good'un and if he doesn't, hope that you have lots of support to move on x

Carer. Bringing up a spat you've already had on one thread, to another. Is bad form and out of order.

What she said on that thread, has no relevance to her views on this topic. Infact your whole post smacks of bullying and encouraging people to gang up on the poster with opposing views to you. Not nice.

Ok Sorry. Didnt mean to offend anyone. Its just that ive noticed a lot of different posts and sudden changes and derailing of threads on here ever since that F4J advert was pulled. Of course i do realise that this could be just a coincidence. Its just the timing thats made me a bit suspicious.
However if i am wrong or overthinking things then i apologise.

I'm deffo not a F4J supporter and have agreed in principle with Synfem's posts on more then one thread (maybe not with the STYLE of the posts, but with the essence of them), lets not get all NMs about things and cry troll at anyone with a different view! Synfem does seem very very blunt but I think does sometimes raise interesting questions relevent to the thread

Fair enough. I apologise.

'If you practise what you preach I must confess to being a tad sorry for those who encounter your uncompromising stance at times of turmoil and stress when all concerned may be in need of understanding and, dare I say it, compassion.'

Are you saying that this man was in need of compassion? What about his compassion for his partner of five years?

I don't think all concerned were in need of compassion. I think only one person needed kind words and only one person needed to say them but failed spectacularly.

Why not have compassion for the rapist and try to put the rape in the context of the rapist's life, his miserable childhood?
If compassion for all is so important, why make a fuss about something like rape, or any other crime for that matter...

They have been together for 5 years and this is the best he can muster up when she needs his support?
And he is the one needing compassion?
From her?