Just told DP about being raped in the past and he's flipped the fuck out, please somebody help me I don't know what to do :(

[theworldisoutthere]

I just told DP about this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1513761-Didnt-know-where-else-to-ask-this-difficult-question-just-wanted-thoughts-I-guess-May-be-triggering

I went into more detail about how it was repeated over years than I did on here. I did it because I felt braver for finally asking my doctor today to refer me for therapy, which he has as well as increasing my AD dosage. I didn't want to still hae this secret. We've been together 5 years but I've never spoken about it to anyone before.

He flipped the fuck out, says he "doesn't know what to do or think any more" that he "still loves me but can't touch me" and "this change everything", he "doesn't know how to think about me anymore"...

I moved from the bedroom where we were talking to te spare room because I was really upset and hurt, he got angry at me for doing that. The last thing he said to me was to hand in notice on our house tomorrow and that he hopes I have a nice life :(

So now he's gone downstairs and I'm up here on my phone and I'm a total mess, please somebody tell me what to do :( I don't know what to do :(

As someone who has been abused before and who has not worked through it yet you are more vulnerable to abusive relationships because of the conditioning from the past (not saying at all that it is your fault just abuse victims get conditioned to accepting abuse and this doesn't end with the relationship/end to the abuse necessarily).

Absolutely agree with that.

Keeping the lines of communication open isn't 'ridiculously' important, honey - it's vitally important.

We live so much in our own heads, overthinking, rehearsing future conversations and anticipating responses, that we don't always realise others aren't on the same page for the simple reason that they're not mind readers.

FWIW, I see nothing in the words you ascribed to him to suggest that he thought any the less of you, but I do see his initial discomfort which you can help him through as much as he can help you heal the hurt you have suffered for such a very long time.

Symfem - I think that's quite unhelpful. I happen to love men, I find women hard. What I wrote is not about being mistrustful about men. It is purely that whatever the reason for that kind of reaction, the reaction is an extremely counter productive thing. Some people react like that because they are abusive themselves and view you as a possession and the excessive reaction and apology can be seen as part of the cycle of abuse. Others may be immature and selfish but have some damaging views about rape and abuse tainting a person. I find it hard to see that someone who was a suitable partner for a person who has been subjected to violence and abuse would react in that way although I acknowledge it is possible for the reaction to have been based in fairly benign things in that person and is not necessarily a sign they are a scumbag (although equally it may be a warning sign). All people are shaped by their experiences, people who have been subjected to abuse, I am thinking at the moment, need safe, stable, kind and loving partners who are patient, not expectant and who do not blindside them with counter productive reactions.

Im unhelpful.

Look at the words you have used to explain the behavior of a man you dont know

immature, abusive, selfish, scumbag.

All highly emotive provocative words. You have tried sentenced and convicted him. Yes what you have outlined is a potential truth, but sadly it was your default reaction. To judge by your criteria, the initial reaction is the measure of a man/woman, its easy to draw the conclusion that you are the type to man bash at any opportunity.

Let the o.p and o.h discuss this and come to terms with it, if they can. Why attempt to blacken her thoughts with the doomsday scenario.

If you read world's earlier thread, Offred www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1513761-Didnt-know-where-else-to-ask-this-difficult-question-just-wanted-thoughts-I-guess-May-be-triggering you'll see that she has been brooding alone on her experience for many years.

Pumped up or reassured by the responses she received, it seems that world dug deep and found the courage to tell her dp.

However, there's no clue as to how she set about telling him and if she began without preamble it could be said that she blindsided him, in which case I'm of the opinion that he should be cut some slack.

In any event, it seem world has it in hand and no doubt she will return if it transpires that he doesn't come up to scratch.

Thank you izzyizin

You're welcome, honey

what a load of nonsense symfem, the reaction is worrying and troubling regardless of sex.

Ghoulie. Thats your opinion. Not shared by everyone. Or by the o.p.

Therefore dont state it as fact. Its not helpful

Gender is irrelevant. When someone opens their heart and tells you something like this, you look after and nurture them. Would anyone on this thread be so vile to their beloved in similar circumstances? If you would, you are scum

Just my opinion but loving someone should mean just that.

However shocked he was, telling someone to have a nice life in reaction to being told they were raped is a pretty extreme reaction.

Going quiet and not responding much I could understand, but not saying such hurtful things.

No Symfem I haven't used any of those words about the OP's dp.

Thanks for the link. I will go and read now but FWIW everyone broods on it for years, the beginning of the abuse I suffered started 17 years ago when I was 11. My point about the timeframe for me discussing it with DH was that I made the decision to speak about it with him in rape counselling and after I had spent many years in many different types of therapy working through each part of it and even then I waited over a year. I do think it is better to have some specialist counselling to help support you through telling your partner either before during or after and I do think it is different depending on the stage of healing you are in yourself.

In your analysis they are the only explanations given. Didnt offer any positive alternatives did you

I'm really glad you got his sorted. I told my DP in the beginning of June that I'd been told I need counselling for PTSD as a result of having been raped a while back. I told him in an email because I literally can't verbalise it.

He never acknowledged the email, we never spoke about it. But he changed towards me, instantly and completely. Completely. Things limped along for a while, but it was just too different and too distressing for me. We split up a couple of days ago.

It's encouraging to see that not everyone reacts that badly to a revelation. I hope you guys make it :)

best wishes op only you know you DP.

as for others
"doesn't know what to do or think any more"
"still loves me but can't touch me"
"this change everything"
"doesn't know how to think about me anymore"

Loads of threads about rape and assualt have "could be triggering" in the title
I don't know the context in which the DP said these but all of these statements could be because the DP doesn't want to "trigger" memories/responses etc.

Ok, the other thread makes me think you are in very very early stages of healing op, just coming out of the denial phase and I stand by all I've said. It is important to access specialist support and not to make any decisions or do anything big until you have worked through it at least a bit and you have a better grip on yourself and how you feel first.

How are you doing world?

Because I can't think of any Symfem and I said that but also that I didn't think that meant that there weren't any. Please stop attacking me and misreading my posts, it isn't helpful. I've had a lot of experience of dealing with this stuff. I'm not man hating, I'm trying to give the op good advice that will help her, importantly from someone who has been through similar experiences, spent years working through them to a much better place now. All I'm saying is I believe an initial reaction is a genuine one, that objectively speaking the reasons behind it (benign or not) don't really matter as much as the actual reaction and that the op really needs some specialist counselling and to just keep in her mind the red flag that she has just experienced from her dp.

Hope you're ok OP.

I think you need to be very careful though. Please don't be so glad, relieved and grateful for his change in stance this morning that you simply forget his initial (and real IMO) reaction last night.

When you told him last night he judged you.

Offred my GP has referred me for counselling and CBT, so I will do that and keep it in mind like you said. I know you're looking out for my best interests, thank you for that

what on earth are you talking about?
The OP started a thread about how she was troubled by this response so we can deduce his response was worrying and troubling to her...

to symfem btw...

Thanks for being so gracious world! I'm really glad you are moving forward and have accepted it was rape/abuse, that is a big step forward as is telling someone no matter how they react. How're you feeling today?

Some of these posts seem to me to be extremely harsh on the OP's DH based on not very much information. world I wonder if a different possible point of view might be helpful:

He flipped the fuck out,
understandable, it was probably completely shocking news to him if he had no inkling beforehand

says he "doesn't know what to do or think any more"
again shock

that he "still loves me but can't touch me"
seems completely understandable, he now right or wrong has a whole different perspective on what it might mean to you if he touches you. Something which he assumed was only positive he is now worrying might be negative for you, and he is probably filled with thoughts about what has happened to you. Basically I think it's fair enough if he is suddenly filled with fear about what thoughts a loving touch might trigger for you both.

and "this change everything", he "doesn't know how to think about me anymore"...
well, it probably has changed his thoughts about you a lot and he will need to work through that. The whole reason why you wanted to tell him is because this is an important thing to you for him to know. He is thrown. Should he now see you as vulnerable? Are you someone who needs protection? What have you been through to deal with this? Have you been going through parts of dealing with this and he didn't even know? Why didn't you share it with him sooner? Do you expect a specific reaction from him? Should he offer to go track down and kill the fucker who raped you? Would you want him to?
Not expecting answers to any of these or even saying that they are good questions to be asking, am just listing a few random things that were perhaps part of the whirlwind in his head.

I moved from the bedroom where we were talking to te spare room because I was really upset and hurt, he got angry at me for doing that. The last thing he said to me was to hand in notice on our house tomorrow and that he hopes I have a nice life
Sounds to me like he misread your walking away completely as a rejection of your relationship. If at this point he was worrying about what this will mean for you two as a couple, whether you are going to be ok together long term, and all the other stuff I've suggested above, then I think misinterpretation of you going to the spare room, and being angry about it, is forgiveable. Wrong but forgiveable.

I'm not saying I'm right about all this necessarily, just that there are lot of 'he's a bad guy' assumptions being made, and I wanted to give an alternative.