Just told DP about being raped in the past and he's flipped the fuck out, please somebody help me I don't know what to do :(

[theworldisoutthere]

I just told DP about this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1513761-Didnt-know-where-else-to-ask-this-difficult-question-just-wanted-thoughts-I-guess-May-be-triggering

I went into more detail about how it was repeated over years than I did on here. I did it because I felt braver for finally asking my doctor today to refer me for therapy, which he has as well as increasing my AD dosage. I didn't want to still hae this secret. We've been together 5 years but I've never spoken about it to anyone before.

He flipped the fuck out, says he "doesn't know what to do or think any more" that he "still loves me but can't touch me" and "this change everything", he "doesn't know how to think about me anymore"...

I moved from the bedroom where we were talking to te spare room because I was really upset and hurt, he got angry at me for doing that. The last thing he said to me was to hand in notice on our house tomorrow and that he hopes I have a nice life :(

So now he's gone downstairs and I'm up here on my phone and I'm a total mess, please somebody tell me what to do :( I don't know what to do :(

Give him time. You are hurting, but he must be too. You sort yourself out, let him get his head together and then talk. Once he has processed it then ye may be able to have a proper discussion.

Don't sit around the house feeling upset this morning, go out and see a friend or family, or do something really really nice for yourself. Book a night away at a hotel, do something a bit frivolous.

His reaction was out of this world stupid & childish. He may or may not see sense and calm down. But he is not your responsibility, and do not pander to him. He needs to grovel. If the man can't cope with a crisis, that in this case isn't even acute, is he worth having around. You need to put YOU first. I am sorry, I can't even imagine how hurt you must be feeling. But do not feel anything but anger about this, because what your partner said was NOT YOUR FAULT.

But he's just learnt his loved one has been hurt, is still hurting and he can't do anything about it. I'm not justifying his reaction, but the weird old way the mind works. Is understandable.

This is in a nutshell what happened. He felt like he wanted to fix it or help but of course there's nothing, practically, that he can do. We talked it out for an hour or so and there were a lot of tears but we're ok now I think. He knows his reaction was disastrous but he couldn't process what he was hearing and didn't know what to do.

Thank you for all your kind words last night, it honestly hadn't occurred to me how hard it might have been for him to deal with. The poster (I'm sorry I can't remember who) who pointed out I've had years to process it was right, and sometimes I find it hard to put myself in other peoples shoes, especially with topics as hard as this.

Thanks again, I think it'll take more talking over time but that we'll be ok

OP I'm sorry, that's awful.

I'm amazed you can be so forgiving. That must have felt horrible. Not sure I would be able to forgive that at all.

I'm glad you're feeling better about it all now. Is he being supportive now?

Glad you started to talk properly and are working on it. He doesnt sound like a bad man

It doesn't give me any satisfaction to say that I pointed out that you've had a lot longer than he has to process what happened to you.

It's a shame that you didn't post on your other thread before you made the decision to tell him but, no matter what words were used, it would still have come as a shock to him.

In the face of a sudden shock some keep cool heads only to go to pieces at a later date. Others are initially all over the place, as it were, and subsequently pull themselves together and become a tower of strength.

IMO his initial reaction is understandable and I could easily put an entirely different interpretation on his words as recorded by you to that which has been posited by some.

Keep talking; if your relationship is built on solid foundations it can only grow stronger when challenges present themselves.

Hopefully, this is a massive step forward for you and a period of great personal growth for you both.

aw hun well done for reaching out, im sorry you have had this reaction. im just comming out the other end after simular incedent 2yrs ago court case was only in jan. my dp found it all really hard challanged his ability to protect even tho it happened before we met, he felt helpless and was unable to support me emotionaly what your dp is going through is common try getting some support from rape crisis they have leaflets you could leave for him would he have counseling too i recomend getting counseling from an organisation like mind rather than gp where do you live im a counselor so depending on where you are i may be able to point you in the direction of an organisation take care of yourself and know that this phase will pass you have done nothing wrong

Could someone link the original thread please?

I agree with math. His reaction isn't one of just shock, his words tell his true feelings. Disgraceful!

Leverette A decent, healthy, mature and genuinely loving man would have been honoured that you felt you could share such a difficult life experience with him, and whilst he would feel anger towards this man who did this to you, he would not remotely think any the less of you at all.

He doesn't think any less of me, after talking through it his initial reaction of looking at me differently was a misinterpretation of an overwhelming need to protect me; normally he doesn't feel like he needs to do that as I can protect myself these days! So he's not used to that feeling and got it muddled. He wasn't very aware of his own emotions when we got together but over the past 5 years has come on leaps and bounds in thinking about how things make him feel and becoming comfortable trying to understand them rather than just ignoring them.

I hope that makes sense!

I cannot believe so many people are justifying his behaviour as 'shock'. His reaction is not justifiable in any way, shape or form, his reaction is one of the most chilling and disgusting things I have ever read on mumsnet. Wishing you light, love and strength OP.

izzyizin you've hit the nail on the head I think. Feeling so much more positive today, and as you're aware we're not very old so are still growing as individuals and as a couple. He is definitely the latter type that you describe, and I think it's taken us a while to learn that keeping communication open is so ridiculously important. So by being open and talking about it we can now move forward

Wow that reaction is just sickening. I truly don't understand why anything other than a big hug is acceptable when a loved one tells you someone committed a despicable act of violence against them.

Sorry OP but his reaction seems like he sees you as property that has been tainted.
Really, so sorry for what you have been through.

I am so sorry! Why did you move into the spare room. You didn't do anything wrong. If he is so shocked then, surely, he should go.

I would stay out of his way for a while - let him calm down and come to you.

But remember, something terrible happened to you, you trusted him with your story and I think as your husband he owes you some empathy at least.

Is anyone listening to the op? They've sorted it. They've reached an understanding. All has been discussed. They are moving on together.

To ignore this and keep battering the op with what a prick her dp is, evenstylish she has explained otherwise. Is taking away the helpful sounding board for the next process.

Even *though bloody phones.

Houseofplain if it carries on too much I may ask to have the thread deleted, but that won't stop me coming back for advise in the future these past few days have really proved to me how valuable MN can be, there are some incredible people on here.

*advice, even. I blame the phone.

Yes link to original thread please! I recently told my DH about past history of abuse and he was upset but his upset was articulated as an urge to protect, support and soothe me not hurt me or anyone else.

I do believe the initial reaction, the one that comes without the guarded thought gives you the measure of the man I'm afraid. It is precisely because it is shocked and natural that it tells you so much. I don't believe there is much to be gained from the considered reaction in terms of measuring a man. I have had a similar thing where I shared a small amount of stuff with an ex and he reacted similarly and it proved to be a good indicator of him being a scumbag, he raped and abused me repeatedly later on, he already was really.

I went to rape counselling just over a year ago and in part of that I discussed discussing abuse. It was revelatory to think about it and I made decisions about how and who I would discuss it with having been coming from a "my duty to share because people should know" perspective. I don't think I would have discussed it with DH without us being married, and i thought it over for more than a year after having counselling, as an intimate sexual relationship is the very hardest environment to discuss this in and I think now after the counselling that actually unless you are in a safe and secure relationship with a level of commitment that there is no need to discuss it at all, it should be completely focused on your healing if you do, for me that would be marriage for others maybe not. Clearly you felt safe to discuss it with DP but I don't think you should brush the initial reaction under the carpet. As someone who has been abused before and who has not worked through it yet you are more vulnerable to abusive relationships because of the conditioning from the past (not saying at all that it is your fault just abuse victims get conditioned to accepting abuse and this doesn't end with the relationship/end to the abuse necessarily).

Not saying "leave the bastard" but I'm saying be on your guard, speak about it in the counselling and if you forgive don't forget.

I agree with every word Offred

Offred totally with you on your second post, don't worry.

World. Only you know this man here and his real measure. Who he is and how he feels. Ignore those who use any opportunity to run men into the ground. I swear they wont be happy until every dh is hung drawn and quartered.

I hope it works for you, and its good that you are talking and he is opening up. Shock is a hard thing to process and the initial reaction isnt always the true one, its when you have time to get thoughts and emotions in tune that you work out how you feel.

I don't see how . . .

He flipped the fuck out, says he "doesn't know what to do or think any more" that he "still loves me but can't touch me" and "this change everything", he "doesn't know how to think about me anymore"...

. . . Can be explained away by saying it was because he couldn't process it, wanted to help and didn't know what to do!

How is that helped by telling you he can't touch you? As though you are dirty! And doesn't know how to think about you, as though you brought it on yourself.

My ex reacted ok when i told him about what happened to me but then i didn't tell him much about it at all. He said though, that if we were to stay together i would need to tell him everything! As though i were a procession that he had the right to know absolutely everything and every detail about. He turned out to be a jealous, possessive, violent psycho who couldn't bear that anyone else had touched me.

I was possession to him. That's why he felt he had the right to know everything.

You have to listen to what a person tells you about themselves. It often comes out at these difficult times.