I want to have an affair

[Affairsoftheheart]

[Message from MNHQ: Please note this is a zombie thread - it was started in 2014]

Okay long story short....
Been with OH for 8 years. We have 2 DCs - 5 and 2. We got together in a time in our lives when we were both vulnerable. We might not have got together. Since we had first DC, our relationship became quite bad (I think my hormones were crazy), and we were meant to sort out counselling. It never happened.

I also lost any interest in OH sexually, I just don't feel attracted to him. Though we did have another DC, which we both wanted. We sleep in seperate bedrooms, and have had sex about twice in 3 years.

Crazily enough we got married last year, and I really did want it to work out. I didn't really want to go through with it but OH insisted and it got to the point where I felt as if I couldn't cancel all the plans and tell everyone.
Anyway nothing had changed; sometimes we bicker, argue, get angry, at least once a month I want to leave. He is a good man, and I do love him, but I don't fancy him and I don't even want to try at the moment.

Anyway I have never even approached a man before BUT this builder came to look at a leak in our house and in a split instant I just was attracted to him. I kept phoning on the pretext of getting work done just to hear his voice. For the first time in years I felt so girlish, and silly, I fancied someone. I can't bear the thought that I will carry on in my life not having sex ever again!!!! I feel like I want to have a last fling, to be desired and attractive again.

So to cut a long story short; builder and I have been exchanging texts and mean to meet up, though I don't know if I actually will. He is young and very fit, and wants to please me.
I wouldn't leave OH as we are life partners, I have even said to him that I wanted to meet other men...

I am aware that this sounds like ones of reader stories in The Sun or something....

Am totally knocked sideways by my attraction to the builder....

Great example for your kids on how to have a healthy marriage here

Get sex therapy with Relate and marriage counselling or something to make your life better together, if he really is your life partner. Or end it. Maleview70 pov is spot on.

Spingk Thanks, but tell nobody

OP, you really don't have a choice as you want to feel desired and alive at 40 - I know it takes courage but you WILL leave him (unless both happy with open marriage) and will think 'I should have done it earlier'. Btw are you in a small town? I don't knnow why everyone thinks this will be local knowledge - if you were in London/other big city no one would know, neighbours don't gossip if it's not a suburb - but the point is it will get messy if you don't agree to open marriage beforehand. I'm surprised builder is not scared of your H btw.

Spink I mean, ahem.

Does this decision have to be made tonight?! OP, why not break contact with builder for a few weeks, take stock and see how you feel then. It sounds to me like a wake-up call and a cause to properly re-evaluate your relationship. Act on that, rather than the desire to jump into bed with Mr Fix-it.

Cotes _ yes we need counselling, thanks so much for your understanding, btw what is LTB?

tonneofbricks - I don't necessarily think its his fault that I don't feel desired or alive. I just kind of gave up on all of that and stopped trying with him. Oh and I don't understand why everyone thinks this will be local knowledge, am in London, builder not from London

of coures it has to be decided tonight, the builder will be out on the pull over the weekend and the OP doesn't want to miss out!

dustyblinds - you are soooo right. As luck would have it I'm going away for 4 weeks in a couple of weeks

lucyellensmum99 - I don't care what the builder is doing, he probably is on the pull, getting pissed in some pub I should think

So why on earth do you want to have sex with him?

ergghh

rent-a-cock

Errrr lucy cause it's just casual, meaningless, fun and pleasurable sex. It does exist, and I'm told that men do that sort of thing all the time

Sorry Affairs, it stands for the marvellous (and to be honest, frequently and spookily accurate) MN call of "Leave The Bastard!"

Seriously, dusty is right. Rein this in and start for looking at other ways of dealing with this problem. Deep breath and chin up. You haven't done anything reprehensible yet, and you still have time to turn this around.

Now you'll have to excuse me, I have to go and throw water at the cats shagging outside my window. Oh, my glamorous life!

cotes

But it wont be, because you are doing it for the wrong reasons - im not being a bitch honestly. You are not looking for casual sex, you are looking for sex that is passionate and exciting. Casual sex very rarely lives up to those expectations You are looking for sex that will make you feel desirable (you said this yourself) and alive - if thats what you are looking for and you don't get this with your DH, then leave him (or maybe work on brining back the spark, if theres a chance). Then go out and find someone who finds you attractive and desirable to have passionate and fun sex with. Do not fool yourself that having sex with the builder (or anyone who is a meaningless fuck) is going to make you feel good about yourself.

lucy - you may have a point....

I have to go now but I want to thank you all for your replies which has made me think, and reconsider, take a step back and pause

Sounds like a text book exit affair. Used to prove to yourself you are not committed to the relationship. Save the pain and make your exit without the SHIT that will fall from the sky in epic proportions if you shag the builder.

And keep your legs shut hopefully

hopefully

You started this 'thing' with the builder. He will shag you and then he will end up making you feel terrible. You definitely don't need that. Your H sounds like he has a lot of good attributes - don't underestimate how valuable they are in a long-term relationship. It's worth working really hard at a relationship with a decent man. I've never managed to find one!

OP it may not be his fault, though it's a complex issue as possibly if he married you he should understand how you 'work' emotionally and sexually. Sounds like he has a very low self esteem knowing that you married him while not being pleased with your sexlife (i.e. settled). But it's mainly your mistake of marrying him unless your whole focus was on having children (and you thought you's forever be devoid of libido). I think your situation is one of those long standing ones that would not be fixed with councelling. He doesn't excite you and to me that's incompatible personalities! how do you fix that?

Career how on earth is this a happy fanily - they sleep in diff. bedrooms, no intimacy! neither OP or her H are happy.

I dunno about that CareerChange because actually either way mummy is screwed.........breaking up the relationship because the sex is shit and daddy is like a lodger is arguably equally as bad.

I don't envy you