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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to have an affair

113 replies

Affairsoftheheart · 13/07/2012 21:35

[Message from MNHQ: Please note this is a zombie thread - it was started in 2014]

Okay long story short....
Been with OH for 8 years. We have 2 DCs - 5 and 2. We got together in a time in our lives when we were both vulnerable. We might not have got together. Since we had first DC, our relationship became quite bad (I think my hormones were crazy), and we were meant to sort out counselling. It never happened.

I also lost any interest in OH sexually, I just don't feel attracted to him. Though we did have another DC, which we both wanted. We sleep in seperate bedrooms, and have had sex about twice in 3 years.

Crazily enough we got married last year, and I really did want it to work out. I didn't really want to go through with it but OH insisted and it got to the point where I felt as if I couldn't cancel all the plans and tell everyone.
Anyway nothing had changed; sometimes we bicker, argue, get angry, at least once a month I want to leave. He is a good man, and I do love him, but I don't fancy him and I don't even want to try at the moment.

Anyway I have never even approached a man before BUT this builder came to look at a leak in our house and in a split instant I just was attracted to him. I kept phoning on the pretext of getting work done just to hear his voice. For the first time in years I felt so girlish, and silly, I fancied someone. I can't bear the thought that I will carry on in my life not having sex ever again!!!! I feel like I want to have a last fling, to be desired and attractive again.

So to cut a long story short; builder and I have been exchanging texts and mean to meet up, though I don't know if I actually will. He is young and very fit, and wants to please me.
I wouldn't leave OH as we are life partners, I have even said to him that I wanted to meet other men...

I am aware that this sounds like ones of reader stories in The Sun or something....

Am totally knocked sideways by my attraction to the builder....

OP posts:
CotesduRhone · 13/07/2012 22:15

In a way there's no such thing as 'normal' about MN threads though. Wink

OP, not in a critical way, but what were you hoping for from this thread? To be talked out of it, to be told to LTB, to get advice on how to work with your actual (not fantasy) life, or to hear naively hope-inducing stories from other women who had these incredible life-changing, libido-restoring, guilt-free zipless fucks? Because there aren't that many of the last, but there are plenty of marvellous people here to give you their wisdom on all of the others.

AnyFucker · 13/07/2012 22:15

leave your husband, love

don't lower yourself to being the neighbourhood sure thing

it gets around

you will have them lining up down the street, tool of trade in hand....explain that to your cuckolded husband

likeatonneofbricks · 13/07/2012 22:16

or rather H (not just P)

loganberry12 · 13/07/2012 22:16

the builder will just think of you as an easy lay a shag he wont want to know once your husband finds out and eventually he will find out. You will leave a trail of heartbreak and destruction and most likely end up alone and regretting it. Talk to your husband and if you really cant mend things in your marriage get a divorce then when your single then embark on a relationship but please dont have casual sex think of your child be a good mother and person be proud of yourself.

Bedtime1 · 13/07/2012 22:16

Why are you using your husband, why don't you leave him?

Original poster
Affairsoftheheart · 13/07/2012 22:17

likeatonneofbricks - I often wonder the same - but it takes time in any process to get the courage to make the move.

OP posts:
Lucyellensmum99 · 13/07/2012 22:17

Oh, forgive me, i got that muddled with another thread (not sure how, but i did) you are right he didn't behave badly. In fact he has done nothing to deserve this whatsoever. I'll ask for that post to be deleted.

Original poster
Affairsoftheheart · 13/07/2012 22:18

cotes maybe I was hoping for some of the latter Blush

OP posts:
AmazingBouncingFerret · 13/07/2012 22:19

"In a way there's no such thing as 'normal' about MN threads though." I knew someone would say something like that Grin

OP, for your happiness and for your husbands happiness. Leave him. Then you can shag whoever you want! And it'll be great! How old are you? You shouldnt have to live such an unhappy life, you only hve one go at it.

CotesduRhone · 13/07/2012 22:20

Crosspost, OP. Yep, I know those feelings, I did a lot of the same. I was with a man I was very compatible with in many ways, but sex with me was apparently just something you might do on some random Sunday if there were no better offers. I rationalised away my completely natural sex drive. I spent a decade and a half without ever being kissed passionately (he didn't like tongues, they were 'messy'). I dried up, literally and metaphorically.

I am now with someone like myself, which is sexually satisfying - but it's about much more than a running tally of shags and orgasms, it's about the fact that my sexuality is part of who I am, and my partner sees that and honours it, instead of pretending (like I did) that it will just go away if I stop thinking about it. I no longer have to lie to myself, it's incredibly liberating, and I could cry for the old me who didn't realise how much a part of communication sex can be within a relationship.

God, I hope I don't sound all pitying, I'm not, but I know what it's like to be there. There are genuinely better ways. It's no way to spend your prime, lovey.

Original poster
Affairsoftheheart · 13/07/2012 22:21

amazing - getting towards 40....and feeling, in all probability selfishly, that I want to feel attractive and desired

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 13/07/2012 22:21

Oh don't be the cliched handy man fucker. Who everyone sniggers at, as they know you put out, so you've got the women bitching about you. But you've got all the local men lining up to service you as they know it's easy.

It's really not a good reputation to have, it's the stuff that gets around.

Spink · 13/07/2012 22:23

Cotes you are a wise woman. Op, I second everyone cotes has said. With bells on

CotesduRhone · 13/07/2012 22:23

I don't think there's anything selfish or wrong about wanting to be desired, speaking as one from the sticky end of the 30s. Smile And dare I say there's a bit of the madonna-whore complex going on here?

Anyway, you have bigger Ishoos to think about than this chap. Give yourself some time to look at them, without blaming yourself too hard.

Original poster
Affairsoftheheart · 13/07/2012 22:24

cotes - thanks for your post. I do feel like i have been spending years rationalising OH and I lack of sex life. The thing is that OH would probably be up for it but I just don't find him attractive and I don't fancy him, and I don't know if I will....and I have got that feeling of 'okay Im a woman approaching middle age and if I don't do something now, I won't ever be attractive again to anyone ever

OP posts:
Original poster
Affairsoftheheart · 13/07/2012 22:25

I have honestly never heard of the term 'handy man fucker*

OP posts:
Original poster
Affairsoftheheart · 13/07/2012 22:26

Well it's all given me pause for thought

OP posts:
AmazingBouncingFerret · 13/07/2012 22:26

That's not selfish!

You deserve to feel attractive and desired!

If you are not happy then you must do something about it. A quick fumble and a fuck with some random builder is not going to make yu feel better. Stand on your own two feet. Tell your husband you're not happy and then go from there, from what youve said though I think the best thing is to split.
Find a man you're happy with. Someone you desire.

Houseofplain · 13/07/2012 22:27

The local trade bike? That one? Seriously op, women who do this are so cliche and have terrible reputations. Is that what you want?

Either talk to your dh, or if you really can't fancy him again. Let him go, that's the fairest thing for him and you.

AnyFucker · 13/07/2012 22:29

all we are saying to you, love, is this handyman ain't the answer

shagging him will bring you a world of pain

extricate yourself from your marriage if you have given up on it

be fair on everyone...your H, yourself, and yes even the handyman who really isn't a cock-for-rent

have some respect for your H, and for yourself

decreeabsolute · 13/07/2012 22:30

Builder is v likely to chew you up and spit you out. Then how will you feel? I urge you to put this new energy back into your marriage - it may sound unattractive to you right now. Go for the counselling, read some filth. I guarantee the pain you cause all-round will far outweigh the short?lived pleasure you get from the builder. I speak as someone who was cheated on by their husband and is now divorced. He regrets it.

SoupDragon · 13/07/2012 22:30

I wouldn't leave OH as we are life partners

No you aren't. If you are arranging to meet up with another man, with the clear intent of an affair, you aren't any sort of partner to your OH at all.

Killergerbil · 13/07/2012 22:30

Don't do it, leave if you need to, but don't have the affair first. Simple.

SoupDragon · 13/07/2012 22:31

The fit young builder is most likely laughing about you with his mates anyway.

CotesduRhone · 13/07/2012 22:31

You don't have to figure it all out in one night, you know. And you don't have to start pushing yourself into fancying your DH or anything like that. There are no medals for martyrdom.

Start laying a little groundwork. I know I've said it before but do you have some access to counselling? I probably wouldn't have had the courage to face up to my fears without my brilliant therapist - we all have our own ways of doing it, e.g. I pegged myself as the Snooty Intellectual Who Was Too Up-In-The-Air For That Sex Stuff but it was an image of myself I'd created to cope with my utter physical (but never intellectual) loneliness in my relationship. I couldn't have done it without the help. I don't mean to shout LTB either, because if circumstances had gone another way, it's entirely possible Ex and I could have had a very fulfilling life together - he just didn't want the same things as I did. We're both happier now.

This thread really does sound like a bit of a cry for help. Hang in there. Start caring for yourself.