Ok so I had "the conversation" with DH...now please keep me on track

[bertiebassett]

A bit of background:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1484718-DH-doesnt-like-me-keeping-a-journal

So I had "the conversation" with DH tonight. I told him it was over. I want us to separate.

He`s fighting it. Trying to persuade me to give him another chance...more time...

I feel surprisingly calm

Bertie, I know tonight's conversation was a hard step, but I think you know it's the best one atm.

You being calm is a good thing, IMO.

The conversation you've had tonight is one of the hardest you will have. If you go back, you'll only (most likely) have to do it all over again!

I can tell he`s really panicking.

Three hours ago he was complaining how DS was not responding very well to him (while DS was right there)...and how it was my fault...

This morning he was complaining about DS waking up during the night...and yes DS was there...yes that was my fault too...

(the list goes on and on)

Now he wont leave me alone...apologising...saying how he loves me...how I cant break up the family...

I`ve heard this all before...

I just need to see it through. I gave in last time...

You've heard it all before. Nough said. ( handholding )

The next few days/weeks might be the hardest. As you say, you've been here before, heard the same things, but nothing has changed

He's now panicking because you've made a decision and so he says he'll change (while trying to blame you for "breaking up the family" in the process ). So, if you had remained silent and things would have kept on as they were, he wouldn't have done anything?

All this considering you had already talked about all this, and he was supposed to be "working on it". It's not as if you've just poured a bucket of icy water on him with breaking news.

The conversation started off with him being very defensive...

He reckons hes done a lot to change his ways in the past few months (since I found out that hed joined a no-strings sex website and had a too close relationship with a work colleague...all this following 2 years of horrible behaviour towards me).

I wonder if its terrible of me to say this ...but its not enough...

well done for being so strong and good luck

Of course it isn't, Bertie.

If you read what you put between brackets ^^ about someone else, what would you tell them?

Keep going Bertie x

Thanks everyone

I'm so worried I'm going to give in.
I always have before with him. He can be so manipulative and I can be such a walkover...

I have been through this before (I left ex H) but its so much harder this time now a DC is involved...an amicable split would be great but I really don't know if it's going to be possible...

But I'm going to keep venting here (as I've done so many times before)...it really helps...

You won't give in this time, it's different, you're wise to his ways.
I just read bits of your other thread linked in your op, I reckon you should have another look at your post where you guess how he will react: you were spot on.

Soooo this morning he tells me that he wants to take me for lunch next week.

He was a bit peeved when I said I was busy but I'd check my diary. He thinks I should change my work commitments in order to go for lunch with him. He wants us to "try again".

I asked him to repeat back to me what I said last night...

This was a tip from my counsellor to check that someone has really 'heard' what you're saying.

He hasn't really grasped it yet...

That's a great tip to use Bertie. He obviously hasn't heard you if he's talking about trying again. I'm afraid it does sounds like too little too late. If you honestly think there is no hope of him changing (leopards/spots etc!) then stick to your guns, otherwise you're just prolonging the inevitable.

It will be hard with DCs involved but it is actually possible to keep it fairly amicable or at least civil for their sakes. They will adjust quicker than you think and your life will be so much happier when you don't have to put up with his horrible behaviour and dodgy sexual/relationship practices.

Stay strong x

Thanks doingit It is a good technique...I wish I'd used it years ago...could have saved a lot of aggro

He just doesn't get it...he thinks that if he's "nice" for a while it will all be ok again.

I've told him that my head is in a completely different place now (probably explains why I'm so calm).

It's like I've spent months or even years struggling to come to terms with the dynamics in our relationship. I feel like I've done my absolute best to deal with it and reached the conclusion that it just wont work. In my head I've moved on...

I can guess what will happen now.

It will be 'repainted' into a scenario where he tried his best to make it work but I refused.

I will be the baddie.

He will always paint that picture - but what about the website? How can that make you the villain? He had done the damage - what he's doing now is too little too late.

Yes you're right mistle but he has already tried to blame the website stuff on other people so I wouldn't put it past him!

TBH the website etc isn't such a big deal for me (he says nothing actually happened and I do believe him)...

These incidents were just the final straw following two years of generally obnoxious behaviour by him...while I was stupidly running round after him trying to "make him happy" which was impossible and at least I've leant my lesson on that front

Stay strong, Bertie, you know where you are now, and most importantly, you have made up your mind.
I am in a very similar situation. There have been countless opportunities over many years for him to make it right, with my understanding and support, all ignored/his 'efforts' lasting a few hours.
There comes a time when you don't 'believe' anymore; your heart has been ripped out, your loyalty and commitment made a joke of, you finally see it, and know it will never be any different. Time to move on, and not be swayed by too little too late.
If he expects you to rearange your life (ex. Re. Work commitments) in order to prove he is changing, ( and compromise your financial independance by the same token, btw) well, it just proves he isn't changing.
Take care of yourself, 1st.

Yes "stay strong" and keep reading Mumsnet, that will keep you going. It's opened my eyes thats for sure and changed things for me.

Do what you've got to do and don't look back. Next step is to get him out the door.

I think this is the point where you have to create distance and discourage communication. If you have caved in the past and allowed yourself to be persuaded than every time you talk to each other, you're setting yourself up for a fall. Harden your heart, make a clean break and good luck

Yes, stay strong I really hope you don't give in.

Your DS will benefit, growing up watching his father behave like that does not a stable child make.

Thanks idreamof

missfaversham getting him out the door is probably the bit that worries me the most. I asked him to leave 4 months ago and backed down because I felt sorry for him

However I did then write down for him all the options for our house (jointly owned) if we did split up: one of us buy the other out...we sell and both move on...he keeps contributing until DS is 18 and then we sell and share profit.

At one point last night he did say that he wouldn't leave...so I just said that DS and I would leave and didn't make a big deal of it.

I hope that he will be sensible about it. Id just like him to stop throwing his toys out of the pram every time things don't go his way behave like an adult about it all.

cogito I know you've given me great advice in the past

I want to try and maintain some sort of communication...I want him to be a big part of DSs life. I'd like it all to be amicable if possible.

Do you think thats unachievable?

Just heard he's taking DS out to theatre next week...and not being a selfish twunt leaving me without transport this weekend as he planned.

Now I think of it this isn't superdad behaviour is it?

It's the behaviour of a normal considerate father...wanting to spend fun time with their DS and not wanting their family to struggle without transport....

If you were to leave with DS, where could you go as distance is really what you need with such a manipulative man.