Ok so I had "the conversation" with DH...now please keep me on track

[bertiebassett]

A bit of background:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1484718-DH-doesnt-like-me-keeping-a-journal

So I had "the conversation" with DH tonight. I told him it was over. I want us to separate.

He`s fighting it. Trying to persuade me to give him another chance...more time...

I feel surprisingly calm

Don't go for lunch with him. Not "I'll check my diary" - "No". Why give him opportunities to manipulate you?

Stay strong.

Shit...he's just spent 40 minutes on the phone begging me to give him one more chance....he's on his way home now...help how can I deal with this?

Repeat the words "Too little, too late" over and over again.

Good luck!

I'm trying doingit and I've said it over and over again to him.

He wants me to give him one last chance...until the end of the summer...so he can show me how he can change.

He's said this before.

He made an effort in some ways then complained about most of it and resented me for enforcing it but it wasn't enough and didn't last.

I just don't believe him now...

You don't believe him. Tell him. He needs to realise you're serious and that there will be no wobbling/taking him back.

Be strong!

Bertie, I think what someone mentioned before about not engaging too much in conversation sounds sensible. He senses you mean it this time so he's panicking and he'll try and manipulate you in every way he might think of to make you give in. He needs to understand he has to respect your decisions. Asking you to change your work schedule to go to lunch and making you feel bad for saying no is not changing. He isn't changing, Bertie, he's afraid and trying to make things as they were.

You've been there, you don't want this to continue, you've made up your mind. We're here supporting you

Ask him why he wants to stay with you, I very much doubt he can give you any reason worth considering (apart from the DCs)

I had to tell my ExH that his treatment of me showed to me that he clearly didn't like me very much, his behaviour showed he didn't like living with me, so what was the reason for him staying?

He couldn't give me a straight and honest answer, I doubt if your DH will be able to either.

Use ant strategy your Counsellor has taught you, and try and stay calm and in control.

oldwoman I asked him. He says that he loves me. I am the love of his life...

He's back now....

A person who loves another does not treat them the way you have been/are being treated Sending you strength.

If you're the love of his life, I'd hate to see how would he treat someone he didn't care for.

He's scared because he's finally seeing that his actions and behaviour have consequences. Don't back down, or you'll be back to square one.

It won't last. He might behave well for a few weeks but there was no effort to change when it really mattered. Stay strong.

bertie sweetheart, he is just trying every single trick in the book, he is used to being in control of you.

The tables have turned, you are in control and he hates it. He will now try anything, I'm afraid this may be just the start. I had everything from threats to hurt himself, anyone I meet in the future, the next day he would ask me to have a baby with him.

If you get more emotional crap, don't react, take a deep breath, come on here and share it.

Please do not compare this man to anyone normal, the things you have described are far from the actions of a loving partner.

You will begin to feel sorry for him, but just think of your DC do you want them to learn this is normal acceptable behaviour?

You will be ok, you can do this x

Try not to let him dominate your time like that. After 5 minutes shenanigans make something up why you've to cut him off and disengage. Same thing now when he gets home, light and breezy does it. Don't engage if you don't want to. Your time is just as important as his. If you don't feel like a mega drama chat don't have 1 . Go for a walk, read a book, cook, wash your hair. You don't have to be available for him to live out his dramas.

Good Luck.

OP, come back! Are you ok?

Stay strong bertie. You deserve better than to be a doormat for him.

I'm back...

Hello! How did it go?

urgh how did it go?

Well that was not a pleasant experience...

He kept saying he wanted another chance...

I kept saying "this was your last chance".

Luckily I had written him a letter 4 months ago making it really clear. There's no denying what I wrote is there?

So you handed him the letter? Did he read it there and then? How did you feel when he was there? how do you feel now? Do you need a ?

Well done at seeing it through. Does he still have that letter or do you have a copy?

He'll try again and again to make you change your mind.

What did he say when you gave him the letter?

idreamof 4 months ago I asked him I leave. He begged to stay...for another chance...I backed down...but I wrote him a letter with "conditions".

I reminded him of this letter tonight. I know he still has it as its by his bed.

Here is a snippet:

^1) treat me (and everyone else) with respect
2) take action to resolve the personal issues you say you have (GP, counselling, etc). I will accompany you to relate IF you treat me with respect before, after, and during the session
3) look after your own finances and shop and cook for yourself
4) do not talk to me about your work problems
5) do more child care

This arrangement is in place to enable you to sort yourself out while still living at home and seeing DS. I have only allowed you to stay in the house because I feel sorry for you and I want DS to spend time with you.
However, i am not sure that this living arrangement will work. In addition there is no guarantee that we will eventually reconcile. If I feel you have broken this agreement I will ask you to leave. Therefore you should prepare yourself for that possible outcome both financially and emotionally^

He managed number 3 and number 5...