Ok so I had "the conversation" with DH...now please keep me on track

[bertiebassett]

A bit of background:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1484718-DH-doesnt-like-me-keeping-a-journal

So I had "the conversation" with DH tonight. I told him it was over. I want us to separate.

He`s fighting it. Trying to persuade me to give him another chance...more time...

I feel surprisingly calm

Lizza I assure you I don't want to stay with him. I only engaged with him to make it clear get it drilled into his head that it was over.

I am feeling so relieved that I plucked up the courage to do this...it's caused me so much angst. It's done now. I've said it.

And that'll teach me not to refresh before posting, Bertie...

AF thanks, am ok, on AD, no thread yet, (don't want to exhaust any potential good will before I really need it). Lurking and learning and propped up by amazing advice and brave women going through the mill and coming out on the other side.

Yes, and well done you Bertie. Not too shaken?

ah well, you know where we are Idreamof

Glad to hear you've sought advice from a solicitor and have control of your finances, Bertie. A car would be a great thing, it would help a lot. Let's hope he's reasonable re. house and leaves, but as you can't hold your breath on that one, glad to hear you have alternatives.

Of course you feel relieved, you must feel free The hardest bit is plucking up the courage, as you said, and you've done that.

As RandomMess said: Onwards and Upwards.

well done Bertie.

Keep on going...and on the bad days remember that they will end...and on the good ones remember that there are going to be lots more of them!!!

I do AF, thank you. You're a good one you are.

I'm ok idreamof thanks

As I said before...surprisingly calm...and relieved. If I can do it I'm sure you can

Also very proud of myself for being strong and standing up for myself and DS.

I actually used something I read on MN...not sure what thread or what poster... how if I want DS (when he's older) to treat women with respect (which I obviously do) then I need to set him a good example.

Well said, Bertie, well said. DS and you deserve much much better, and he needs to grow up knowing what respect is.

I'm a soppy one, you know it, so here (((( hug ))) from me

gauchita

Yep, all these little things you read on MN, it's like having someone validating you, for a change. It takes the drama and nutcasery out of it.
Again, well done.

Just woke up...thanks for all your support last night folks

Been thinking about the past couple of months. H has said on several occasions that he had had enough of living separately and that he wouldn't "wait forever".

I asked him what he was waiting for.

He said he wouldn't wait forever for me to be happy with him.

He took no responsibility for his behaviour did he?

Clarification...we have been "living separately" in the same house since march...

Bertie, well done for making the decision to end it. What are you waiting for now? He is unlikely to leave of his own free will as he still thinks (in his own weird mind) that you are bluffing.

FWIW my advice would be to go now. You said you had some RL friends you could go to, then go to them now. You can sort out your car etc from there. Leave before you relent, leave before he does more damage to your MH, leave before he does more damage to DC, leave before he does anything stupid.

As for the car (obviously I'm a bloke) dont waste large amounts of your precious £ on something too big or flash. Keep it small and simple. They are not glam or trendy but a ford fiesta or fusion would be a great start. Fairly economic, very reliable, cheap to insure, and really cheap and easy to fix.

Dont give in. Go now and make us all proud.

balotelli thanks so much for your advice i know it shouldn't really matter but it makes a big difference to know that you're a man who is supporting me...

This morning confirmed I had made the right decision.

DS was crying so I went in to his room. He's sat there holding himself...says he thought he was going to wee the bed. I took him to toilet and then asked why he didn't go. He said he was scared of daddy. I think after this week he was worried of getting up and going to the bathroom incase he woke H up

I gave him lots of cuddles and told him he could talk about being scared or sad or worried...and that he should always go for a wee if he needed one.

I'm so upset but he is happily playing with H now...

I agree with balotelli, bertie. Your stbxh sounds a lot like my xh- even after getting a lot more brutal with him (I don't love you, I don't respect you, I don't fancy you, I don't want to live in the same house as you etc) he still thought I was just bluffing (or possibly had PMT for months on end ).

He wouldn't leave and in the end I packed up my stuff and took ds1 to live with my mum for a few months. It took solicitors and a withholding of certain possessions of xh's to get him out of the house. Hopefully yours will be more reasonable but in the meantime it does sound like he doesn't really believe you.

Your poor ds though. I hope he's feeling okay now. Well done on making the decision to leave your poisonous stbxh and good luck with the final push.

He is not worthy of the title 'man' for treating you and your ds in the way he has.

Just from what has happened this morning would have made me pick up my child and head for the door without looking back. Do you need any more convincing of the damage you staying is doing to your ds?

You sound like a brilliant mum. Now do the right thing and get out. for the sake of your child . LEAVE.

Poor little DS, you know you've made the right decision x

what balotelli said

Yep what balotelli says.

For what it's worth for a small car my mechanic recomends the older nissan micras - obviously manual not automatic. So not the original style and not the newest style the one in between

I told him what DS said.

He says he is devastated.

Has apologised to me and DS.

I told him I hope he is devastated and it is not just another lie...if he wants any sort of relationship in the future with DS he has to sort his behaviour out now. It's too late for me and if he carries on like this it will be too late for DS.

DS said 'I don't like Daddy' and 'I'm scared of Daddy'????????

Why are you still talking to this person, Bertie? Why is he still there?

Get him out. Don't engage with him. I promise you this: no matter how you explain it, no matter how many times, he won't get it.

He won't get it, because that would mean thinking about someone else, and how they feel. Even as I tell you this I am aware that 'this' has taken me 3 years to get.
Bertie? It is and will be ALWAYS ALL ABOUT HIM. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do, say, not do, not say to change this. You cannot get through to him.
To acknowledge this lack of control, and that your existence means this little, is very hard to swallow. But it is true. Get him out of your life.