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Original poster

Husband confessed to watching porn

91 replies

SueSueSue · 11/07/2012 21:56

Husband of 12 years has just confessed to me that he watches porn, sometimes as often as once a week. Really not sure how I feel about it.

How would others feel about it? Is it right? wrong? Am I doing something wrong?

We have a pretty good sex life generally - though sometimes we're both busy with work etc so often only make love once a week.

OP posts:
LadySucre · 11/07/2012 21:59

nothing wrong with that. And he has told you. So all good really. I wouldn;t worry

MamaMary · 11/07/2012 22:00

Personally I would not be pleased. I once found porn on my DH's phone (very soft porn as it happened) and he agreed that it was not healthy and he felt guilty about it. He promised never to use porn again and occasionally I ask him if he's sticking to it. I can only trust that he is, but of course I don't know for sure.

Others will tell you there is no harm at all, but to my mind there is no doubt that prolonged and frequent use IS harmful and there are many threads on MN that will testify to that.

LittleMissNorty · 11/07/2012 22:04

I don't think many men DON'T watch it tbh either on tv, DVD or internet
. At least he is honest about it. I would much rather it be out in the open than be lied to. It's quite normal and I wouldn't worry.

MadAboutHotChoc · 11/07/2012 22:11

You do not sound happy about this issue - otherwise why would you be asking on here.

Remember that you are perfectly entitled to feel this way about him using porn.

MadAboutHotChoc · 11/07/2012 22:13

IMO for me it would be a deal breaker and my DH is fully aware of this and agrees with me that porn has no place in our marriage.

Original poster
SueSueSue · 11/07/2012 22:13

Nah I'm okay about it, just a bit surprised thats all.... I wondered if it's something that others have a view on?.

OP posts:
topknob · 11/07/2012 22:13

Porn is fine, if it isn't taking over your sex life. I have no issues with dh watching it, masturbating etc providing we are fine x

Hassled · 11/07/2012 22:17

It's one of these old chestnuts which people tend to see in black and white and never in grey.

Lots of people see it as completely normal and acceptable and not a big deal. Lots of people see it as degrading and objectifying to women and a huge deal that their partners are viewing women as a piece of meat. How do you see it? Does your partner know your views?

If you hate porn and all it stand for and your DH is watching it regardless, then that's a big deal. If you're not really bothered or you've never discussed it, then it's not a big deal.

MyinnergoddessisatLidl · 11/07/2012 22:51

There are tonnes of women on here and Facebook reading all about the exploits of Christian Grey. Basically soft porn novels.

Sex is part of life. It's been proven that men enjoy more graphic images. Have you talked to him about why he does it?

Don't always think the worst.

Sometimes if he has a higher sex drive than you, and doesn't want to pester you for sex, he may have a quick wank?

Perhaps it helps him get in the mood?

Curiosity, different positions, fantasy etc

As long as you are happy with your sex life and he is being open and honest then I don't understand why it would be a huge issue in your marriage.the only time I would panic would be if it was something unacceptable morally that he was watching.

Have you asked to see what he's watching?

symfem · 11/07/2012 23:04

Aok with it. And once a week is not really a lot tbf

Franziska · 11/07/2012 23:06

Seriously, unless you've said you have massive issues with this, a bloke watching porn "sometimes as often as once a week" is nothing to worry about.

Taking out the whole radical feminist viewpoint that all porn is bad, if your DH is honest with you and it doesn't affect your sex life, then I wouldn't worry about it. I'd be saying something different if it was several times a day and it affected your intimacy.

BTW "It's one of these old chestnuts which people tend to see in black and white and never in grey."

I'd say that rather it's one of those things people tend to see in black and grey and never in white.

Krumbum · 11/07/2012 23:13

I think porn is destructive for a relationships. Nearly all porn is very degrading to women and obviously he will be looking at raunchy, surgically enhanced women. I think it can make people desensitised and they go onto watching harder stuff and find real sex unsatisfying. And have an unrealistic view of women should look like and be expected to do sexually.
It's difficult to say what to do because he will probably carry on regardless.

24HourPARDyPerson · 11/07/2012 23:15

'Its been proven that men enjoy more graphic images' Never heard it put like that. But obv many do enjoy graphic images, otherwsie the porn industry as we know it wouldn't exist.

OP, I think you should go with your gut on this. There is no right or wrong Actually , there is, and the right view is my view
if it makes you uncomfortable don't try to rationalise it away, that's no good for your mental health, or relationship.

Sex doesn't respond to reason, quite often, and feeling uncomfortable or unhappy -regardless of anyone else's feelings or arguments - is valid. You shouldn't have to pretend when it comes to intimacy and sex.

akaemmafrost · 11/07/2012 23:17

I was just going to write a post but then I realised krumbum had said it all.

marriedinwhite · 11/07/2012 23:18

I suppose it's about as wrong as a thread on here about women who have purchased and enjoyed rampant rabbits and who have sex in the same room as their children. Actually it's probably a whole lot healthier than the latter.

TouTou · 11/07/2012 23:21

I wouldn't find it a problem, personally. As long as it's not grim, doesn't affect your sex life and sticks to being once a week.

symfem · 11/07/2012 23:43

Why not watch it together. It can really spice things up and leads to some great fun, in my experience, mmmmm

symfem · 11/07/2012 23:43

Why not watch it together. It can really spice things up and leads to some great fun, in my experience, mmmmm

MadAboutHotChoc · 12/07/2012 07:21

Internet porn is very different from reading erotic literature - this industry uses women who have been trafficked, abused and forced into it.

Those not forced into it often come from a background of abuse.

I would suggest that you do some reading about the realities of the porn industry.

There is no way I would stay with my husband if he thinks wanking and orgasming over images of vulnerable women is acceptable.

MushroomSoup · 12/07/2012 09:25

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

prh47bridge · 12/07/2012 09:43

obviously he will be looking at raunchy, surgically enhanced women

Why is that obvious? Many men, myself included, aren't keen on surgically enhanced women and don't watch porn involving such women.

I think it can make people desensitised and they go onto watching harder stuff and find real sex unsatisfying. And have an unrealistic view of women should look like and be expected to do sexually.

It can but such evidence as there is suggests this only happens with a minority of men.

MOSagain · 12/07/2012 11:00

sadly, although porn might be acceptable in some relationships it isn't in others and it often leads to something more thant that.

I knew that DH had been into porn before we met but he promised it was over with when we got married. A couple of times since I found out he was still into it and again he promised to stop. We had counselling and it was made clear how upsetting it was to me and he promised to stop.

I found out last week he was still doing it and that started to fester. I investigated further and last friday found that he had started a relationship with a woman he used to work with years ago who he hadn't seen for over 15 years and who he re-connected with on FB. Their communications seemingly started off as innocent then became pornographic and they would send extremely erotic and sexual emails to each other. They then met and he committed adultery. I think I could possibly live with a one night stand that was 'accidental', ie bumping into in a pub but this was a long drawn out emotional relationship which I believe started with the use of porn and the sexual emails.

Of course its all my fault Sad Angry

ElizabethX · 12/07/2012 11:52

doesn't bother me in general as long as I know A - about it and B - what he is looking at and why he likes it. frankly i think all men have looked at it.

years ago i went out with this bloke who used to want to keep changing from weird position to weird position, that didn't seem like much fun for anyone...only when I expressed interest in watching a porn dvd with him did I realise he'd been using it as a manual. all the odd positions were straight from his dvds. convenient for the camera, not the participants.

v creepy, & I instantly dumped him, not coz he watched the porn per se but because he wanted to live it and i didn't think it mattered who with.

sternface · 12/07/2012 11:58

I think the most telling thing in this thread is that the OP feels it necessary to ask an internet forum (bit it could just as easily be a group of friends) how she should feel about her partner using porn. This is not a criticism of the OP, more a comment about how strong is the modern discourse that people should be 'cool' and laid-back about the presence of porn in their relationship. There is the sense that if the majority of posters say that it's no big deal, the OP will give herself permission not to worry about it.

So what I'll say to the OP is that you need to frame your own boundaries and not be influenced by others' opinions. Do a bit of reading about how porn is made and as a separate issue, how its use can effect intimacy in relationships and agree your own line in the sand, which you're entitled to draw.

Losingitall · 12/07/2012 13:14

No issue for me.