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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband confessed to watching porn

91 replies

SueSueSue · 11/07/2012 21:56

Husband of 12 years has just confessed to me that he watches porn, sometimes as often as once a week. Really not sure how I feel about it.

How would others feel about it? Is it right? wrong? Am I doing something wrong?

We have a pretty good sex life generally - though sometimes we're both busy with work etc so often only make love once a week.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 13/07/2012 17:39

"Well if you'd 'hate to enlighten' anyone by your posts symfem, this is a great day for you."

:o :o :o

Just what I was thinking.

symfem · 13/07/2012 17:46

How can one enlighten the blind sheep who baa porn baa made baa my baa husband baa leave.
Much easier to blame porn than look at real issues

Krumbum · 13/07/2012 17:48

I don't think porn makes a partner leave. But it can change how people view sex. We are influenced by things!

MadAboutHotChoc · 13/07/2012 17:53

Simply cos porn is seen as a gateway to cheating - the more you watch porn, the more detached you are from your partner and also due to the addictive nature of internet porn, you look for harder hits and move onto interactive web cams, chat rooms, escorts and dating sites.

Those in porn knows this as this is why mainstream porn sites have adverts for escorts and dating sites.

AnyFucker · 13/07/2012 20:31

As ever, there are clear indications on this thread that many people use the terms "porn" and "sex" interchangeably

And that people who don't like porn don't like sex

Neither of those are true, IMO

solidgoldbrass · 15/07/2012 00:17

People who are blindly, furiously opposed to 'porn' without knowing very much about it generally don't like sex very much. They use the concept of 'porn' as a dumping ground for all their fears about sex.

Krumbum · 15/07/2012 00:18

Solidgold? Any evidence for this?

sternface · 15/07/2012 00:28

That's a very prejudiced opinion, but I've heard another which is that people who use porn a lot are terrified of real intimacy with a real-life human being.

Neither prejudice has any basis in fact and neither can be supported by any evidence.

I don't actually know anyone who 'doesn't like sex' but I know a lot of people who are opposed to porn. There is no equivalence in my experience and it's a slur that is usually levelled at other women by misogynists of both sex.

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/07/2012 08:58

solid Hmm

solidgoldbrass · 15/07/2012 09:36

Sternface: You mean you've never heard any of the rightwing moralists ranting about porn and sex?

AnyFucker · 15/07/2012 10:02

sgb, there are a tiny number of "rightwing moralists ranting about porn and sex" but I don't see any of them on this thread, and I find your inference that is to be offensive

I am not "blindly" opposed to porn, I have seen porn, I have used porn, I have researched it and made my own personal and informed opinion about the damage it does to relationships and society in general

FinallyReady · 15/07/2012 10:32

Just adding my experience...

I used to be absolutely fine about my ExH watching porn. In fact I was curious and quite turned on by the idea, and we used to watch it together.

As time went on, and the novelty of 'oooh, aren't we being naughty' wore off, I began to get bored with how formulaic most of it is, how bored and fake most of the 'actors' are, and how hateful a lot of the language is. Then I did some reading about the industry and got even more turned off by the whole thing.

Tried talking to exH about how I was feeling, and about some of the things I had learnt. Just couldn't get turned on watching a woman being 'willingly' abused knowing what her likely background was. ExH just got annoyed with me for trying to spoil it for him, and insisted on the 'Belle du Jour' fantasy that these are all just women who really love sex and isn't it great they're getting paid for doing what they love? His attitude to this really ate away at my respect for him.

He did eventually get a bit bored with it too, and stopped watching so much. But looking back I do feel our sex life was irreparably damaged by it. He always wanted to do things in bed that made me feel like I was participating in porn rather than making love to my husband. Things that did not turn me on and made me feel degraded, but which had become normalised within our relationship.

Once you see something, you can't un-see it. And the things we see, hear, do and talk about influence who we are. Having come to this realisation, I think it's better to give preference to cultural influences that make me feel good about myself and the world. I don't want that stuff in my head.

It wasn't the cause of the breakdown of our marriage. But his attitude towards women, sex and relationships was definitely a contributing factor. And I believe that porn was not a positive influence on his core beliefs about those.

sternface · 15/07/2012 10:47

You mean you've never heard any of the rightwing moralists ranting about porn and sex?

Of course, but I've never got to know one closely enough to know that he or she 'doesn't like sex'. In fact come to think of it, I don't think I've heard anyone ranting about porn and sex, perhaps because there isn't a link between the two.

solidgoldbrass · 15/07/2012 11:02

WHile I haven't (yuk! the very idea) had sex with any rightwing moralists I have encountered plenty; they have a hugely dysfunctional attitude to sex.

And, like the pro-censorship feminists, they often seem to think that repeating the same (made up) statistics over and over makes them true. Not all porn involves abuse of performers, not all porn sends out a single message to all viewers (that women are bad and it's ok to mistreat them), not all porn performers are victims or have been victims.

AnyFucker · 15/07/2012 12:50

you are quite right, sgb, not all individuals within it have been damaged by the porn industry nor find themselves in it because of past abuse

personally, for me, I condemn it as an institution because a large proportion are and until I could be 100% sure that what I was using to get my wholly selfish orgasm wasn't trading on their damage, I am no longer interested

many of my friends also think like this and manage not be manhaters, uptight nor haters/fearers of sex

amberlight · 15/07/2012 13:14

Porn definitely isn't just the one thing. "He/she watched porn" could be anything ranging from e.g.

  • Porn made by women for women in the lesbian market, where it's perhaps one of the range that is soft-focus, soft porn showing gentle consensual stuff between people who are genuinely enjoying the experience...
  • Porn showing graphic images of pain and torture with non-consenting people being exploited.

There can't be many women on the planet who would be unhorrified by the latter. But it's hard to see how the former is abusive of anyone. You get more graphic stuff on BBC2 after 9pm in the dramas.

As with all things, people need to find good ways to research what's what.

With the Fifty Shades books, porn is showing itself to be something that women very much want to read about...but it has to be in a romantic consensual setting for nearly every woman reader.

And if a partner is viewing stuff and hiding it - that's the problem more than anything else, I reckon.

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