Husband confessed to watching porn

[SueSueSue]

Husband of 12 years has just confessed to me that he watches porn, sometimes as often as once a week. Really not sure how I feel about it.

How would others feel about it? Is it right? wrong? Am I doing something wrong?

We have a pretty good sex life generally - though sometimes we're both busy with work etc so often only make love once a week.

I think it is myth that "most men watch porn".

How you feel is how you feel. Questioning it online isn't an indication that Oh It;s All Horribly Wrong And You Must Be In A Terrible Relationship: pretty much anyone sentient knows that porn is an issue on which opinions are very polarised, and if you have heard conflicting opinions forcibly expressed on all sides of the debate, it can be difficult to work out what you think, or what you feel you should think, or what you think you can admit to feeling.

However, if you have never previously said to your H that you dislike and disapprove of porn and don't want him to look at it, don't react by blaming or shaming or punishing him: to many people the odd wank over porn simply isn't a big deal. To others it's something enjoyable now and again.

There are issues of exploitation of performers, but this simply isn't true of all porn. There's a fair bit of 'fair trade' stuff about, for want of a better phrase. Some people like to watch porn with a partner, and some do want to watch and wank alone, from time to time. This isn't necessarily awful, either. Anyone who thinks they have a right to control a partner's masturbatory habits is verging on abusive - if there's a problem with sex in the relationship it will be resolved by discussion not by one partner issuing commands.

First time for everything mali! Like watching porn, losing your virginity and giving head for the first time

do chill out user.

Plenty people have your point of view - it's the default after all.
But not everyone expresses it in such a distasteful way, and plenty are able to argue for it. As in, have thought through the issues and arrived at a conclusion.

You rude unthinking let the rest of us thinking women down.

Love your name btw!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently watching porn causes abuse of the exclamation mark key.

I actually feel quite sad when I listen to women sounding so desperate to be YAY PORN. If you don't mind your partner watching it, or watch it yourself, whoop for you. If you're unhappy with him doing it because it makes you feel shit or because the idea of him getting his jollies from watching women get humiliated or who are likely to suffer sexual abuse in the course of their work, he should respect that.

User, you're clearly a guy pretending to be a woman to tell women what to do.

Very high on my list of 'creepy shit to do on the internet'

Isn't it funny how you never read on the internet

'Dude, stop you're giving the rest of us men a bad name!!!!!!!!!!'

Most men watch porn, thats no myth. They just are afraid to admit to it

cowards.

oh for a strong brave real man

I think you've got that the wrong way around symfem, it's practically derigeur for men to use porn, it's been completely normalised in our pornified society.
I get howls of derision whenever I say that my DH does not and has never used porn, mainly from women whose partners are porn users and are obviously uncomfortable with the fact, that's why they get so defensive.

I agree that user is definitely some sad bloke trying to justify the fact that he spends hours wanking to porn instead of getting a life.

Using a rabbit or dildo does not usually mean women are being abused, unlike watching porn.

I agree that there is a strong link between porn and infidelity - the number of threads on relationships bear this out.

Mal maybe you are in the minority and they really have no issue with their ohs watching it.
And there is no causal link between porn and infidelity, anecdotal evidence isnt evidence

Quite a lot of men don't view porn regularly. I would say that most men have seen SOME at some point. In some cases, they won't have been very interested. Some people just don't have much interest in sex. Some men will not want to look at it due to supersition-induced sexual dysfunction, some men will believe that all porn is abuse of women and therefore not look at it, some will not look at it because they have a partner who hates and disapproves of it and they are not so interested in it as to want to go against the partner's wishes.

ON the other hand, some women are 'cool' about porn. Some operate from a feminist anti-censorship position - which definitely exists despite the bullshit perpetrated by the pro-censorship factions. Some actively enjoy watching it, either with their partners or alone.

I agree some women do get used in porn. Most dont, some men get used in porn,some dont. A lot of it is riddled with desperate drug users, if you want me to give examples I can fire at least 30 current people in that industry. Prostitutes get far more abuse in my opinion.
Just because someone watches porn ( i do regularly ) doesnt mean infidelity. Sometimes it leads into it,sometimes it doesnt.

For the doubters - as for me being a man, I'm 33 as my name says 1979, my first name is Una and my surname begins with ser, hence why I have called myself this on here and not some other wierd name. I live on a farm in northwales, i have been married 11 years and have 3 children and I work 55 hours a week here.

I am outspoken, speak my mind, so if you dont like how I say it or if I'm too in your face then tough. Leave yourself wide open.

For others who accept and hear what I say, thank you.

As for the poster, I doubt you have any problems

If those women were truly comfortable about their partner's porn use ( I know some women are and I accept that, despite my disagreement) then why are they so gleefully insistent that I'm deluded and that of course my DH is wanking to porn at every opportunity, because that's what all men do -
If they were accepting or even disinterested, why the viciousness?

It makes no sense - unless they are actually made uncomfortable by the fact that not every man uses porn and they don't like to be confronted by it, it's easier for a woman to accept if she believes that all women are in the same position.
The amount of women on here who have had a 180 degree about turn on their views on porn is quite staggering, lots of them now see porn as potentially very harmful and not the harmless fun they thought it was.

Porn use is also now a major factor in divorce and infidelity.

That reads very much like you think that men who don't use porn, aren't interested in sex SGB. Please tell me that's not how you meant it.
Much as I despise organised religion, saying that a man who believes that porn is wrong because of his religious beliefs has sexual dysfunction is just plain nasty.

No symfem what you mean is that you haven't seen or read any research, which is quite a different thing. Others have and are persuaded by the academic research.

Just like you have no clue that 'most men use porn'. None of us know that and can state it as a fact, since we don't know 'most men' and their personal preferences.

All any of us can do is to suggest that the OP (and others who might be lurking) makes an informed and educated decision about where she stands on this issue and then has a discussion with her partner about its impact on their relationship. What's acceptable to one person won't necessarily be acceptable to another, whether that's within the couple itself, amongst a group of friends or a bunch of randoms on the internet.

This was the point I was making downthread about the crowd mentality and how the unacceptable or indefensible will often get normalised and therefore cause individuals to mistrust their own judgement, for fear of appearing unusual. This doesn't just apply to porn, it applies to any behaviour for which there is evidence of harm being caused to some people and which was previously not tolerated by society. Questioning these things is a good thing and getting lots of information before deciding where you stand on an issue is surely the best way of equipping yourself to make a decision. And then communicating it to the people who will be affected by your stance.

The alternative of course is to believe an unevidenced assertion that 'everyone's doing it and no harm is done', conduct absolutely no research to prove or disprove it.........and follow the herd.

no causal link between porn and infidelity

There are studies proving this and these can be googled pretty easily. Infidelity experts also believe that this link exists.

I very much agree with sternface and Mal. Particularly what you say in your post at 14:04:02 Mal.

My views on porn when I was younger were very much of the "whatever" variety. It didn't bother me, I thought people should do as they please etc. Having grown up(I mean physically. Well, emotionally too I dare say...), and having educated myself about the porn industry, I am that person who has done a 180 over the years.

I would also say with confidence that my OH doesn't use porn either. He's never been the slightest bit bothered by it.

I appreciate that there may be areas of the industry which are "fair trade" as SGB put it upthread. My worry with that is that the average joe (ie someone like myself) wouldn't know fair trade porn from the worst kind of exploitation.

Well porn is a huge industry with massive revenues. Now i hate to enlighten you but its not just the dirty mac brigade who are funding this industry.

If someone will cheat they will cheat, to blame porn, is to shy away from the real issues.

Well if you'd 'hate to enlighten' anyone by your posts symfem, this is a great day for you.

None of them have enlightened me.

Mal: a lack of interest in sex is one reason why some people may not look at porn. I listed others. Admittedly I forgot 'having so much real life sex that you don't have time to look at porn', which is equally valid.

ditto

we all know how much money is in the porn industry (as in drugs and weapons) and that is a huge barrier to stopping the traffic and abuse of people in the industry.

we also know that users are not just dirty old men - sadly there is an increase in teenagers and young people using porn which is having a terrible impact on young lives

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/02/gail-dines-pornography