PIL's don't want me to be SAHM

[Canyoudothefandango]

My retired PIL's have offered us three days a week childcare, so I can get a part-time job. Before we had DS, DH and I were in agreement that me SAH for a few years was the best option. We were both keen on the idea of DS being cared for by the same person whilst he's little and felt that he would benefit from this.
Also, I have a low earning potential and DH earns £17,750 p/a so childcare for DS and future children (planning to TTC in 18 months) wouldn't have worked out favourably.

PILs do not believe we can live on his income and that it is irresponsible to do so. They helped us buy a car a few years ago and I think see us as not financially 'grown-up' IYSWIM, no mortgage etc, even though age-wise, we're both 30+. DH spoke to them last weekend and now has that doubt in his mind also. He's now saying that the money would come in handy- and mean we could have holidays etc. He's said I can have time to think about it, but I can see the thought of being better off for the next few years is winning him over, whereas before it was always 'sod the money'.
I know people might think I'm ungrateful for wanting to turn down free childcare from people who love DS, but I have put all my enthusiam into the idea being a SAHM for the next few years (gave up my job) and am feeling really gutted at the thought of DS being looked after for a large part of the week by two people I barely know (we hardly saw PILs before DS was born- 3 times a year at most).

However, I feel it would be unreasonable and selfish to say no.
Really don't know what I should do, but just feeling backed into a corner.

It is interesting that their parents looked after your DH. They may well be grateful for this and see it as the done thing, they may well have missed out on the baby stage and want another go - perhaps a mixture of both.

People have different priorities. I really want to spend time with my children while they are small, even if that means we need to budget a bit tighter than others. I suspect my parents who both worked full time when me and my siblings were small and took us on foreign holidays might feel differently.

My dad has recently retired and my pfb is on the way, he has made it clear that he'll be available, but hasn't been pushy about it (so far ). I don't really see eye to eye with him on parenting issues (he was EA to me in my teens, though appears to be a bit better now) so I wouldn't see that as a long term option for us, though I might be grateful for the odd morning. So I've been polite, but haven't commited to anything, and have made it clear that I'm looking forward to looking after my baby so wouldn't be up for more than occasional baby-sitting for sometime.

It sounds like you and your DH have a plan already about your future which (sensibly) involves you furthering your education. In your situation, I would politely tell your in laws that you are grateful for the offer and will consider it when you are ready to return to work. For the moment you intend to study at home and are enjoying taking care of your child.

There, enough said. Plus you haven't snubbed them if you later decide that it would be useful to have one day a week to devote to your studies, or if you decide that financially you need to find work.

It's got sfa to do with his parents if you want to be a sahm. Don't let them put pressure on you. Decide with your dh what's best for you and yours then inform them with no room for debate.

It's completely your choice, if you're happy and you have a comfortable life then who is anyone to tell you otherwise?

I had pressure from my parents to put DS in nursery early so that DP could work (he was a SAHD). We just ignored them.

I think parents and pils often seem to think their off spring are badly off and need to earn more.

My PILs were here over the w/e and MIL seems to think I should really think about working because DH probably doesn't earn enough and it's a recession.

DH earns well over six figures and is in the 50% tax bracket.....

Sadly MIL did not offer her services for childcare and I suspect if she had she would be begging for mercy within hours particularly with DS being everywhere and into everything.

Don't feel backed into a corner. It's your choice and talk to your DH about how you feel. When your babies go to school you can easily start working again and you very helpful PILs can do school pick up and tea. Don't panic. I honestly think all PILs and parents believe we are teetering on the brink of financial ruin.

Ultimately it's completely up to you and you DH. I would consider it though. However, does it have to be for 3 days? What about 2? Can it just be mornings or afternoons?

After a relocation, I became a SAHM. Since the relocation DH's job has been under threat 2/3 times. Nerve wracking experiences. DH finds it quite stressful being the sole wage earner but unfortunately I've been unable to find a job. The longer you're out of the market, the harder it is to get a job. Previously I worked part time and a) it helped keep me sane as, although I loved my children, I found it quite hard to stay at home with them full time and b) it did give us that extra bit of money at the end of the month. That extra bit of money mostly went to savings. It means that, should DH lose his job, we do have a cushion to fall back on and tide us over for a while.

As the children have got older there are also things they want to do - school trips, dance classes, learn to play a guitar etc. All these have to come out of one salary and it is a matter of constantly budgeting. Sometimes you just have to say 'no' as the money doesn't stretch to everything the kids would like to do. After 4 years of being a SAHM I'm fed up that we constantly have to be looking at the pennies and look at where the money goes but you're obviously different and more able to cope with less income.

I would be more concerned about how your in laws would really cope with a little one all day for 3 days. Children can be tiring as we all know. What about holidays or illness? You'll probably have to do some kind of trial. You've mentioned a course, would they be helping out while you do your coursework?

As I said, I would seriously consider free childcare but I don't know your in laws. Would they feel that you owe them anything if they did this for you and DH? Are they really controlling or are they just concerned?

Can you say to them that you'd like to take them up on it but after your course? Then you can reassess then, once you know a bit more about your job prospects.

They do seem rather pushy at the moment.