PIL's don't want me to be SAHM

[Canyoudothefandango]

My retired PIL's have offered us three days a week childcare, so I can get a part-time job. Before we had DS, DH and I were in agreement that me SAH for a few years was the best option. We were both keen on the idea of DS being cared for by the same person whilst he's little and felt that he would benefit from this.
Also, I have a low earning potential and DH earns £17,750 p/a so childcare for DS and future children (planning to TTC in 18 months) wouldn't have worked out favourably.

PILs do not believe we can live on his income and that it is irresponsible to do so. They helped us buy a car a few years ago and I think see us as not financially 'grown-up' IYSWIM, no mortgage etc, even though age-wise, we're both 30+. DH spoke to them last weekend and now has that doubt in his mind also. He's now saying that the money would come in handy- and mean we could have holidays etc. He's said I can have time to think about it, but I can see the thought of being better off for the next few years is winning him over, whereas before it was always 'sod the money'.
I know people might think I'm ungrateful for wanting to turn down free childcare from people who love DS, but I have put all my enthusiam into the idea being a SAHM for the next few years (gave up my job) and am feeling really gutted at the thought of DS being looked after for a large part of the week by two people I barely know (we hardly saw PILs before DS was born- 3 times a year at most).

However, I feel it would be unreasonable and selfish to say no.
Really don't know what I should do, but just feeling backed into a corner.

to offer is fine to make you feel like you have to do it is not. if they are really keen to look after ds would they do it say one day a week so you could do the course you want to, which would hopefully improve your job prospects for the future?

Nothing to do with the PILS. You want to stay at home...do it....my MIL tried to get me a "Nice little job" and even went so far as to arrage an interview! My DD was aout 7 months old! Cheeky cow. I wish I had told her to pee off right then.

visually and *Mysaucepan) just wanted to say- we have never asked PILs for money. On a few occasions (Christmases) they have given us a gift of money. Whether our accepting it show a lack of independence, I don't know, but I know lots of parents do do this for their children.
DH had not, until speaking to them, ever mentioned our income being an issue as we were doing fine. They have made him feel that his wage is insufficient, which it is clearly not. As others have said though, children do get more expensive, but I'll (I hope) be working again by then.
ZZZThis is another issue. Cannot imagine PIL's reaction to our attempting to have 2 DCs on his tiny wage.
Xales They have strong opinions, and have, from a distance, rubbed me up the wrong way quite a few times. When only seeing them every 2-3 weeks as we do now, it's fine, but I imagine there could be issues if we were to leave DS with them.
About Those situations will be covered by our savings.
Greataunt
'Seems that DPs might have decided that they will fill their retirement by caring for DGCs which is a bit cheeky when it is up to you really.'
This is exactly how it feels. We had a plan in place. They had another one and have decided to tell us now when they think I should be going back to work. It is partly our fault for not being open with them about our plans in the first place, but DH always thought they would react like this.
bonsoir I'm more worried about the future emotional health of our family. I'd rather be a bit poorer, still getting by okay.. and happy.

i would be very very wary of accepting this much help from inlaws with a tendancy to be interferring controlling and bossy.

they could easily throw it all back in your face and you will feel indebted to them.

AboutlastnightTue 10-Jul-12 18:05:57 You will be fine until car/washing machine breaks down. I think your ILs are right.

The op has already said that they put a little into savings each month so they should be fine if the washing machine breaks down.

Im assuming you think the in laws are right because her husband has a low income, but if they have low expenses as well then they will be fine.

its not their call,its private business between you and dh
however taking monies from pil is probably oen to be interpreted as yes you are both fiinancially feckless
but no pil cant call the shots whether or not youre a housewife

poopoo the course is something which would help me get into a particular line of work when I go back. Distance learning, so very do-able. Looking forward to it.

Sounds like you should do that then. Better prospects possibly then going and doing a low paid dead end part time job.

That is a kind offer from them but...

They sound like they have overstepped a line in telling you where you are going wrong and what they think you should be doing (presumably their comments and suggestions were unsolicited)

I wonder what it will be next? Will they be making decisions about your ds (when he is in their care) that you disagree with? Have you read some of the posts on here about the problems people have when they accept childcare off relatives? Not all of them of course but these are clearly not the kind of people to step back, let you live your lives and respect your wishes.

If you are happy and managing - carry on.

do the course if that is what you want to do.

and re money as gifts, my parents and my mil often give us money for bdays or at xmas, purely so we can spend it on what we need or want and its easier for them. it doesnt mean we are feckless with money or that we cant cope on dp's wage its just that that is what they do for adults at xmas and bdays etc. i would think its fairly common actually.

if they are lording it over you tho (the cash gifts) then they are not a gift worth having tbh.

no such thing as free lunch though,so do be mindful of accepting pil monies, big gifts.you must make the decision whether you single or dual income family.and then live within means to do so

It's not their business. I understand they are trying to help, but the two of you had made a decision, as adults and parents, which you were happy with.

Holidays with tiny children are a waste of money. Carting all their kit around is a faff, as is not having the other half of their kit with you because you thought you could do without it but can't.

If you want to be a SAHM, be one, and get a job when your DC are school age. It's veyr easy to pick up experience, helping run play groups and music groups etc, which lead the way into working as TAs or lunchtime helpers at school.

Most P/T mums I know spend their entire income on commute and childcare. Even if they say they want to look after your DC for 3 days a week, the reality may hit home. They'd be shattered. they may not be the best carers for him. They may suddenly decide they need a holiday or whatever, leaving you in the lurch. It's far from ideal to be that beholden on others for free, even if they are family.

However, I don't see how, if you are TTC in 18 months, you think you can all realistically live on 17k. I'd aim to work a little from home every week, working around the DC, and to get experience that will serve you well for applying for school friendly PT work in a few years time.

hmmm the car thing sounds like should be a warning sign for you, you said it was old but perfectly working, they told you, you needed a new one.....

be wary very wary

start standing your own ground now

It shouldn't be their business, but you haven't got a leg to stand on if you accept large wads of cash / gifts like a car from them.

You would be unreasonable to stay at home if that's not what both you and DH want though.

Racingheart, they may spend their current income on travel, childcare etc, but remaining in employment is better for medium to long-term earnings, career progression etc.

Agree re the PIL though.

I'd be worried that they and your dh are talking about it, without involving you in the conversation.

This is entirely a decision for you and your dh. Your ds is still very young and it is perfectly legitimate that you want to remain his sole carer. They should not be coming between you and your dh. Don't let them. And don't accept any more cash gifts if it makes you more vulnerable to their control.

And ask yourself - if you can separate the question out from all the other issues - if you wanted to go out to work - would they be your first choice of child-minder anyway?

Also, you have answered your own question. If you feel "backed in to a corner" then something is wrong. Trust your instincts. The fact that your dh was reluctant to be upfront with them about it indicates that he is slightly intimidated by them too.

[Sorry to sound so bossy but I found myself in a horrible situation with massively manipulative mil. It was (just about) tolerable when it involved only myself and dh but when it started to impact on dd, I had to put a distance between us. Horribly sad situation as I would have loved a good relationship with lovely in-laws, but you would not have believed some of the things that had occurred: more like a work of fiction!!. Trust those instincts of yours!! ]

captain some of those posts are what I am worried about. They make for scary reading and I'm not sure I want PILs having so much influence in the raising of DS when we differ in opinion on so many things.
I have heard 'well they brought up DH okay, so they must be doing something right'. DH was brought up largely by his GPs, whilst PILs were at work!
5mad I thought this (money as gifts) was normal. They have never lorded it over us, though I am now worrying that they think we couldn't cope without these handouts. May have to say 'Gosh, we couldn't possibly accept so much/ We're not short of anything, but thank you' in future.
Thanks so much for reading and replying to this. Got to run now, but will be back.

OP - you sound like you know what you are doing.

They sound like they're overstepping boundaries tbh. My mum was a sahm to us when me and my sister were little and it was v hard, my dad was a fireman and it was during the strike, but it was what they both wanted and we never knew any difference as children, and my parents have never regretted it. We didn't have holidays or loads of stuff and everything was on the cheap but we were really really happy (cliche alert). I've been a sahm since having my dcs too and i can homestly say that (while i accept it's not right for everyone) those days of having a baby and a toddler at home are probably something i'll look back on as the best of my life. And there's a little old lady on our road who always used to shout 'happiest days of your life love, aren't you lucky' when she saw me with the double buggy. People do it, i know a family with more dcs than us and less money, and they manage. If it's right for you do it. Just because other people can't imagine life on that amount of mony doesn't mean it can't be done.

If they live close enough to undertake regular childcare, how come you only saw them 3 times a year before your dd was born?

I would tell them that you agree that in the longer term you need, as a family, to be working towards a higher income (you do. 2 pairs of winter shoes for school adds up). Therefore you are planning to do an OU course with a mind to getting a higher paid job in the future. Thagt it makes sense financially to have the children close together so that their pre-school years over lap and you will be looking for a well paid job once you have finished your course and the children are off to school. And that in support of this plan you would be eternally forelock-tuggingly grateful if they would occasionally look after your dd while you do OU course stuff. Tell them that if you go back now to p/t low-paid unskilled work you will be trapping yourself in that until the kids leave home.

Being a SAHM is not just something people with lots of cash do. I have great friends who don't need the money, but wanted to go back to their jobs. We are a bit skint but I wanted to stay home.

The question is - do you want to look after the kids or do you want to work? Both are fine but the decision is not really a financial one IMO - although for some people it very much is.

Your ILs can fuck off with their opinions - and their pushiness makes me feel like they need to be told to keep their nebs out.

Who manages money in your household? Could your DH be concerned about money and has been talking to his parents? I don't know your situation and maybe you are fortunate not to have housing costs or any commute costs so just have shopping, utility and council tax to pay.

DH was brought up largely by his GPs, whilst PILs were at work!

Ah, so they are trying to justify their own choices by making you do the same - this is about them, not you. I bet you his mum feels a bit conflicted about not being a SAHM!

She may not feel conflicted at all - she may just be deep in the tradition that GPs look after the children while the parents work. It is a traditional way of going about things in many cultures.

But of course you don't have to accept or give in to their expectations if it is not what you want.

oh god step away from the frasier box set and faux analysis
maybe given the pil give financially they interpret this as financially struggling
op and her dh need to be more self contained,less reliant upon pil offers or monies

I am just imagining ILs as being like my parents, who spend a great deal of time and energy trying to get me to do things the way they did, in relation to childcare and general family/married life.