PIL's don't want me to be SAHM

[Canyoudothefandango]

My retired PIL's have offered us three days a week childcare, so I can get a part-time job. Before we had DS, DH and I were in agreement that me SAH for a few years was the best option. We were both keen on the idea of DS being cared for by the same person whilst he's little and felt that he would benefit from this.
Also, I have a low earning potential and DH earns £17,750 p/a so childcare for DS and future children (planning to TTC in 18 months) wouldn't have worked out favourably.

PILs do not believe we can live on his income and that it is irresponsible to do so. They helped us buy a car a few years ago and I think see us as not financially 'grown-up' IYSWIM, no mortgage etc, even though age-wise, we're both 30+. DH spoke to them last weekend and now has that doubt in his mind also. He's now saying that the money would come in handy- and mean we could have holidays etc. He's said I can have time to think about it, but I can see the thought of being better off for the next few years is winning him over, whereas before it was always 'sod the money'.
I know people might think I'm ungrateful for wanting to turn down free childcare from people who love DS, but I have put all my enthusiam into the idea being a SAHM for the next few years (gave up my job) and am feeling really gutted at the thought of DS being looked after for a large part of the week by two people I barely know (we hardly saw PILs before DS was born- 3 times a year at most).

However, I feel it would be unreasonable and selfish to say no.
Really don't know what I should do, but just feeling backed into a corner.

I find it interesting how people have massively different incomes and both can feel that they are doing alright. We have never had a high income (around £20k) but I've always felt we were doing ok. I suppose I am just used to budgeting - cheap clothes, ebay, meals out only as treats, UK holidays etc etc.

Anyway, my point is - if you want to stay at home, and are managing, it is completely up to you and DH. No-one can tell you that you're too poor/need to work if you are genuinely doing ok. Maybe they could have DS one day a week so you can study (as someone else suggested).

It is true though, as others have said, that financial help from them probably won't be an option any more if you turn down this childcare offer. However, personally I think (in general) it's only natural that parents help out their children financially if they are able and happy to. Why does everyone have to be independent from each other? I plan to help my kids when they're older if I possibly can... but I won't make that offer dependent on them fulfilling my plans for them!

As everyone else has said, what your parents in law want for you is really quite irrelevant. Tell them to butt out.

I'm speaking from experience.

I was a SAHM for a number of reasons and DP earned well. Then a substantial contract went because a factory closed down, the recession hit and he earned much less than half his wage it went down to £18,000.

We slid into debt. We paid mortgage on credit, in fact everything on credit, our car broke down. I couldn't afford a winter coat. DP went grey with worry.

I was fortunate to get a well paid part time job and a subsidised nursery place. Dd3 screamed the place down for the first 4 months but it had to be done.

And we will soon be back on an even financi keel. Better, I have a pension and even some career prospects if I continue to study.

And DP is looking a bit healthier.

What will you do for childcare when you start your course? Will it all be evenings and weekends or will you be trying to do it in the day?

DS won't have naps forever, you might be pregnant and knackered. Can you look for something very part time initially and take up the offer, use a day's childcare to study, and see what happens?

You might find you like working and having some extra money. You'll get to see how the childcare goes, and when you have your second child you can reassess.

Can you not take up their offer of at least a day or 2 a week so you can study/read/do assignments??? I'm not sure when you'll be doing all that when you start your course? In the evening? It'll be bloody hard work I tell you.

A student of mine went off to give birth but came back in the same academic year to continue. She got extensions for her assignments etc and her mum would sit in the car with the baby whilst she rushed in to class. She thankfully had the support of her mum with the baby so she could do Uni!!

I think you should take up the help whether it's for work or classes. It's for the good of your future as a family.

I agree that perhaps you should compromise and see if they want to look after the kids maybe 2 afternoons a week or something to let you study but make it clear that you dont want to work.

Do your top your income up with tax credits etc as surely you qualify on that income. Do you have rent to pay?

Also my dh got made redundant last year. His is a professional job and he has postgrad qualifications. He set up his own practice.

If I wasn't working full time there is no way he could have afforded the time and money to setup shop. Really. He would have had to take on any job or 2 to support me and the 2 kids. And I earn significantly more than you. (not boasting - stating a fact). And we've already dipped into our savings pot. A significant amount of money has left our savings account when our income went from double to single. Our outgoings remained the same though (mortgage, bills etc). Obviously started shopping at lidl, meal planned etc but it was hard. I shudder to think what would have happened if I didn't work.

presumably you want ou to lead to job
will you require the pil childcare to cover the course?or resultant job from course
vocational course?will it require placements or attend workshops etc, who will do childcare

They are most probably bored, i agree they probably think it would be nice to look after yout dc. I would also guess they could do all the lovely things that they couldn't afford to do with your DH. You do need to draw a line with these people. Explain who is in charge firmly.

If you can cope, spend the time with your baby, they grow SO fast. They are the happiest days of my life, and yes old people shout tht at me too!

My only other comment would be that children are very tiring and two old people might not be the best choice for three days a week ( flame away) no way i will be caring for children in my 60's. i'll be on the wine :-)

I think that some of the posters are talking about well paid jobs or jobs they like.
But you have said that your earning power is low and you won't be doing something that you like either. It makes, imo, more sense to study and increase your earning power (as long as you choose your course very carefully). If you are going to work till you are 65 it will pay off.

I don't understand your current situation thu. Is the 17k gross or net? Do you rent or you own but have no mortgage?

Sorry i meant to add that i also think since you don't want to do it and since they have strong opinions the arrangment might turn into disaster. You will probably get irritated with food choices/activities they do etc, they will get defensive, and then the relationship will be damaged and then not even the occassional babysitting.

Too often when you mix business or childcare with relatives you might lose them completely if things go sour.

I think you should do what makes you happy. Nice offer BUT having relatives do your childcare has it's pitfalls.
My Mum basically had planned my childcare for me from the minute I toldher I was expecting "yes nobhead when you go back to work I will have the baby for the 4 days you work etc." I declined her offer as I know her ideas of parenting and discipline are way off mine and DH's and it would actually have caused more problems and stress. She was mortified when I told her that actually we planned to have DS in nursery. When I pointed out all the benefits of this and the reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea for her to have the baby full time (holidays, what if she was ill, she would be exhausted, very tying for her, the novelty would wear off) she came round to it. She clearly hadn't thought about it properly, she just liked the idea of spending her retirement looking after babies again. We came to a compromise DS goes to nursery for 3 days and she has DS for 1 full day. It's a good situation for all of us it helps us out as she doesn't expect money for this, she and DS still get to spend quality time together which they probably appreciate more because they aren't with each other every day (but not so much time that she thinks she has a right to say how DS should be raised, which my Mum definately would!) and it means that we don't feel obliged to visit them at the weekends as they have already seen DS so we get our weekends to ourselves.
It really is your decision but it sounds like they already don't respect your choices already by implying that you aren't grown up enough when making financial descisions- no prizes for guessing what will happen if you have them do your childcare. Free "help" with childcare only works if that is what it is "help". If having your IL's look after your child is going to cause you stress because you are going to be worrying about what's going on whilst you are at work then it really isn't worth it IMO.

I think that unless you are absolutely broke and cannot survive having your in-laws look after your child is a terrible idea.
I honestly think that it would be best to break away from them to a certain extent. Else they'll be telling you what to do for the rest of your life.
I think you need to nip this in the bud. Unfortunately, once you've taken money from the devil, they think they can get away with stuff: he who pays the piper calls the tune and all that. Don't let them call the tune any longer.

Some people may love their in-laws to help out. And, yes, maybe some would be OK and there would be no comeback but yours seem the type who would use it as a means of control. Don't have them looking after your child UNLESS money is desperate.

I don't think what your PILs want is particularly relevant.

What is more important is what your dh wants. Is it fair on him to continue to be the sole breadwinner when your dcs can get consistent care from your PILs and you. Is it right that he should have to forgo holidays and little luxuries and postpone the day you are on a stronger financial footing so that you can spend all your time with dcs, rather than part but still substantial amount of time with them.

Bear in mind that your dcs will in all probability thrive whether you are with them 2 or 5 days in the week. So by choosing to SAHM, this is pretty much something you are doing for yourself - not that there is anything wrong with that if your ds supports you. But you will be giving up the opportunity to support our family in a financial way (which is just as important) in addition to an emotional way.

Sorry to put it bluntly.

YANBU.

You be a SAHM - and they can go and get a part-time job :o

It really is none of their business. Your life, your family, your choice.

Do not let them derail you. These are plans which you and dh have worked out between you.

Where will it end if you capitulate at the first hurdle?

Seriously, really ? Tell them to fuck off - what is wrong with in-laws who think they can dictate their childs and partners lives. I had my son aged 16 and my parents would never of dreamed on interfering (unless there were CP issues) - let alone if i was 30+

Really this is laughable

They can want whatever they like, but the problem here seems to be that they don't respect you and your DH's autonomy.

Fine, they have given you another option to consider, but that's all it is. If it doesn't fit with what you both want then it's not a viable option for you. They do seem to treat you as children who need help making decisions and this is what I would want to change.

Being a SAHM is a wonderful thing if you enjoy it, and the children have their primary attachment figure around all the time, that can't be anything other than good.

To be honest? I was a SAHM from the beginning, and it was (in hindsight) a mistake. I don't know how much family and friends you have around you, but I got quite isolated.

I think, in hindsight, if I had been able to work 3 days a week I would have been a much more balanced person. Everyone who did work told me they went back to work to have a REST! Babies are incredibly demanding, and you lose yourself. When you are working, you have another, adult identity? I was just 'Mummy'. It wasn't good.

So: the PILs could be controlling you, or they could be coming from a position where they know, because they have BTDT. And if H is signalling that he could do with the support, then don't be too set in your ideas, just yet.

perhaps the inlaws should be telling your dh he should be earning more lol

and planning a way to help him become able to increase his earning power.

i doubt your dh would like that !

It sounds like at the moment they just visit you and so spend a few hours at most with your son.

If they are offering the childcare and you have your course starting I would go down the route of seeing if they will have him for a couple of mornings or afternoons a week to give you chance to study.

This may be an eye opener for them. My own Mum lived too far from me but did 3 days childcare for my nephew, Mon, Wed, Fri, the other 2 days he went to nursery. My Mum was 52 and in good health.

When my niece was born 4 years later she initially did 3 days but found it too tiring so cut down to 2 days. My sister had to bite her tongue with parenting issues as my Mum was doing her a favour.

My sister works full time, as does her DH. I have been a SAHM since Ds1 was 16 months old, he is now 9. I have been in the position of being okay financially, as DH's career has progressed because I do all the childcare we are now incredibly comfortable. Is there no way your DH can progress his own career for more money?

My Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer (no symptoms, it was picked up on routine mammogram, her entire body was riddled with it) and 10 weeks later she was dead

My FIL has always had an active life I would consider him to be in good health, and 8 months ago he suffered an unexpected stroke, and had another one 2 months later and another one 2 months after that. It can come out of the blue. He retired at 50! and my MIL still works, there was a possibility she would have to give up her job to care for my FIL, luckily he has made a remarkable recovery.

What if you go back to work, your FIL becomes ill and your MIL has to look after him? Or they decide it is too much when your son becomes 2 and challenges everything you say.

I think you should take them up on the offer, could you try to find a job for 2 days a week/3 mornings rather than 3 full days? That would give a little more family money and security and you still would have the bulk of your time with DS. You might find as he gets older you will find toddlers are sooooo much harder than 1 year olds, you might be glad of the 'break from mummy world'. Also if you are planning a second DC, you would be entitled to a second maternity leave if you got a job now and then got pg in 6 months. If you are contracted to 2 days a week when you go off on maternity leave, you'd be have to be offered 2 days when you went back after DC2.

Also remember, it might just be a tempory thing, your DS will start at 3 to get pre-school hours, then you might just need to get your PIL to do drop off and pick up at pre-school, so not a lot to ask (or to pay for if they can't do it/you decide you'd rather someone else do this).

I personally would go for it, assuming you can find something parttime. It's not forever as you are planning DC2, have your second DC, if once you're pg and decide you don't want to work, then go off on mat leave super early and don't go back.

Just replied to about 6 people in depth, then lost it all!
In summary Whatwould This made me well up a bit, because it's how I feel
there's a little old lady on our road who always used to shout 'happiest days of your life love, aren't you lucky' when she saw me with the double buggy.
Blu- We never saw them because they have never been particularly close to DH. I mentioned the 'training leading to better prospects' thing to DH last night, and he definitely saw the truth in it.
littleblue ':o at 'keep their nebs out' They haven't even discussed it with me. They have just mentioned it to DH in this matter-of-fact way, as if we'd be morons to say no, which I think is a bit passive-aggressive.
startlife I run the household, budget the shop etc, so I can't see why DH would be discussing our finances with them, esp. as they're not terribly close. They only found out exactly what he earned at the weekend (they asked), hence their shock.

Ignore PILs' offer for the time being and talk to DH about a plan of action. it needn't be your plan or their plan, it could be quite different from either. See whether there is a place for PIL help in your plan. Of yes, then ask them. If no, then tell them you don't need their help with childcare.

I do agree with other posters that it is very important to have boundaries, so that they accept you are independent and will make the key life decisions yourselves. That may, of course, mean declining future presents of money.