PIL's don't want me to be SAHM

[Canyoudothefandango]

My retired PIL's have offered us three days a week childcare, so I can get a part-time job. Before we had DS, DH and I were in agreement that me SAH for a few years was the best option. We were both keen on the idea of DS being cared for by the same person whilst he's little and felt that he would benefit from this.
Also, I have a low earning potential and DH earns £17,750 p/a so childcare for DS and future children (planning to TTC in 18 months) wouldn't have worked out favourably.

PILs do not believe we can live on his income and that it is irresponsible to do so. They helped us buy a car a few years ago and I think see us as not financially 'grown-up' IYSWIM, no mortgage etc, even though age-wise, we're both 30+. DH spoke to them last weekend and now has that doubt in his mind also. He's now saying that the money would come in handy- and mean we could have holidays etc. He's said I can have time to think about it, but I can see the thought of being better off for the next few years is winning him over, whereas before it was always 'sod the money'.
I know people might think I'm ungrateful for wanting to turn down free childcare from people who love DS, but I have put all my enthusiam into the idea being a SAHM for the next few years (gave up my job) and am feeling really gutted at the thought of DS being looked after for a large part of the week by two people I barely know (we hardly saw PILs before DS was born- 3 times a year at most).

However, I feel it would be unreasonable and selfish to say no.
Really don't know what I should do, but just feeling backed into a corner.

I think people with pfbs underestimate the cost of things to come. Kids don't stay happy with rice cakes and ceebeebies for ever. They go to nursery, school, need stuff, want stuff. It's a huge burden for a one income family. A small income at that.

Its not really bout holidays. It's about security and standard of living.

I know how it feels to want to though. I have a lovely snuggle baby right now and it's going to kill me to leave her. But I have done it before, it can be done.

I doubt there is child poverty if they are managing to save. It may be a low income but if you have no mortgage and low outgoings then you will do as well as someone with a good wage and massive mortgage.

Its no ones business but yours and your husbands op. Its nice that they have offered and you might feel like you want to consider it in the future but at the moment you and your husband (before his parents started trying to change his mind that is) are happy with it.

It's nothing to do with your ILs. Would any extra earnings affect your tax credits? Even £100 per week would make a big difference to your life.

Hmmmm well my dh earns less than yours (14k) and I'm a sahm to our 9 year old dd and ds 4 weeks... We have a small mortgage and manage well with aldi shopping, tax credits and a 12 year old banged up fiat!! We are happy and I wouldn't want to work... (Used to earn 30k I'm marketing a long time ago and hated every minute of it!!!) I actually enjoy the challenge of budgetting!!! (Maybe I should get out more!) Yeah a lot of our stuff comes from ebay (like dd wants a kinect for her birthday and we will prob get one from ebay but she will be just as happy with this).

Its nothing to do with anyone else what you choose to do... Just do what makes you happy... :)

OP I don't think you should be considering their wishes, but you and your DH need to have a serious think about this.

Childcare for two children while you try and get back into the workplace in another 3/4/5 years time, is going to potentially be expensive.

You say you are managing well, but how well really if you have to get your PILs to help you buy a car?
£17k is really not a lot of money, how many months of outgoings do you have put away incase your DH loses his job? Your PILs are obviously concerned about the pressure on him, which is only natural because he is their son.

One 1-2 year old is very cheap, you hardly notice the cost of them. Once they are at preschool then costs do rise. They eat more, you can't just give them a small portion from your plate - they wear clothes out, want to take presents to parties with their friends and have a party in return, uniform, and it goes on.

I say all of this from the perspective of a SAHM, so I am not bashing your choices in any way.

I don't think you "should be considering their wishes" because its not their choice in any way shape or form. If you choose to go back to work then do so because its what YOU choose. If you do go back and are unhappy then you will resent them if you see it as their wishes (if you see what i mean).

What about the course you want to do though? Would you be better off doing that to make your self more employable with better wage possibilities in the future? That might be more productive in the long term then going back to a low paid job.

Well have a look for that little 3 day week job and let me know when you find it because I can't find one.

Or how about an alternative... your IL's get a little part time job for 3 days between them and give you the money. Everyone happy and problem solved.

Do what you want to do, but make sure you've thought it through.

If you want to be having another child in 2 years, would it be more feasible to work part time until then? That would give you some time to build up savings.

Kewcumber... And the in laws should be supporting op's lifestyle choice because???

Ultimately, it's a decsision to be taken by you and dh.
It's a very generous offer from your in laws.

It's not something I'd turn down without giving it some serious thought.
3 days a week at work, still means you'd be with them 24 hrs a day on 4 days a week, plus first thing in the morning and then the early evening on the 3 days you are at work.
It's always a balance - time vs money - for all parents, but I personally think I'd weigh up not only what that extra money can go towards now, but what's going to happen in 3,5,10 yrs down the line. PEople without recent work experience find it harder to get jobs. How secure is dh's job ? You do know that dcs start to cost more as they get bigger ?

mysaucepans We do have a decent standard of living. We're not struggling to make ends meet- BUT, we don't have enough for luxuries. We go out, but not regularly.. just do the kind of budget family days out that people do I suppose- go walks, to museums etc (DS still strangely unappreciative of the latter:o)
I just feel like if we're okay like this for a few years whilst DS is little, we can do without the holidays etc. When I'm back at work and the child(ren) get older and more expensive, we'll be better equipped to give them those experiences.
cogito 17 grand seems like peanuts, but we manage fine- DS has everything he needs.

Just read my OP and that should say TTC at 18months- when DS is 18months.

It's none of their business... Nice of them to offer (if this is something you want). But as you don't want it, politely decline.

Only you and your DH can decide how you should be dealing with this.

Op, sounds like you have it sorted then! :)

Thank them politely and tell them no.

Think it is your choice, but I would consider:
a) the stability of a second income. no one's job is safe in this economy - what if your DH loses his job?
b) if you turn this down, you will not be able to ask PILs for money
c) whether it will stress your DH out to be the sole earner

if you are planning to try and have another baby in about 6 months time, there doesn't seem much point in going back to work now.

You need to have a sit down chat with H without any distractions.

Personally I am against it because of the following

PIL do not believe they think it is irresponsible and they see us as not financially 'grown-up'. So they have said you should do this and your H is now agreeing.

What if PIL (who will be looking after your child 3 days a week) do not believe that X is right for your DS? What if they think you are irresponsible to do or not do Y for your son. When will they consider you grown up enough that you can do Z for your child?

Or what if they do things that you really don't want done. How will you draw boundaries? They are clearly already not respecting that between two 30 something year olds that you have sat down and worked out the pros and cons of you being a SAHP.

H who may initially have agreed with you on X, Y and Z may suddenly say hang on perhaps they are right.

You need a long hard think and talk about this before you decide yes or no.

You will be fine until car/washing machine breaks down.

I think your ILs are right.

It's fine as long as your DH is not going cap in hand to them for subs etc.

It all depends.
On whether you enjoy being a SAHM.
On whether you decide to have another DC so won't be at work for long.
On whether DPs love being at home with DC all day especially when DC is running around.
On whether a job comes along that you might enjoy.
On whether the pay for the job is decent.
On whether DPs share child care or DM is exhausted by it all.
On whether DPs have good health.
On whether DPs want to swan off on long cruises.
Seems that DPs might have decided that they will fill their retirement by caring for DGCs which is a bit cheeky when it is up to you really.
Anyway I would tell them you want to stay at home initially and see how it goes, but that they can look after DGC once a week to see how they enjoy it.

I think your PILs are trying to encourage you and your DH to get on a better financial footing in order to secure the future of your family.

They are right! You should be grateful for their generosity.

imperial I'm not aure about tax credits- we need to look into it.
wigglewoo- that's great:)
Alibababa We had a perfectly serviceable old banger car. They offered to help ius get a new one, so we decided to go for it, especially as we were TTC (better safety).
poopoo the course is something which would help me get into a particular line of work when I go back. Distance learning, so very do-able. Looking forward to it.
kewcumber Will have to cross that bridge when it comes to it. The job market being what it is I might struggle to find anything. Your idea made me :o Think they'd much rather have DS for half the week.. who wouldnt?
backforgood DH has been with the company for 8 years and job seems secure, but who knows in today's climate? We are saving, and have enough to act as several months buffer if the worst happened, but I can't lie and say we're in the most secure position, but I imagine the same could be said for many single income families.

Op.
This is really mt up to your pil to decide.
Do you want them looking after your ds?
There are more important things than money.

On the one hand, its bugger all to do with your ILs (and do I ever know what it's like to have interfering ILs ) and you should do what you think is right for YOUR family.
On the other hand, if I was offered three days a week free childcare, I'd have their hand off.
£17k is a tiny amount for a family of four to live on. We have 1 DS and over double that amount coming in, and we still struggle at times.
I think you should give me budgeting tips actually OP. I don't know how you do it!

IMHO it is not remotely selfish of you to reject their offer. Your and Dh's initial instincts to 'sod the money' was spot on - holidays, extras, stuff, none of it matters as much for you and your family as spending the time you want with them.

Small children would always choose you over stuff and even older children who think they want things are actually happier with less material crap and more time. This is not a decision that is about child poverty, it is about what you value - and not what your ILs value btw. It is wrong of them to back you into a corner, even if they mean well.

It's not up to them and what they want doesn't matter! It's what you feel comfortable with and of that isn't leaving you D'S then don't do it, you'll only build up resentment towards them because you felt pushed into doing it. I'm sure if you spoke to you DP and explained how you feel he would support you and stop letting his parents put their doubts in his head