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Original poster

Dh and I argued to the point of splitting up over me being SAHM - I'm panicking now

76 replies

sponger · 02/03/2006 13:04

I've changed my name for this, sorry, but dh will know I've come straight on here to rant.

Our youngest started full time school in October and since then he's been on at me every week to get a well paid job (ie not shopwork or stuff he considers 'beneath' me). We have no family support here. I've applied for 3, was interviewed for one of them but didn't get it. I just cannot think what work I could do with my experience, that will fit with school hours and let me be available for when the children are ill. He tells me everyone he knows has a wife working. I tell him there are highly qualified women all over the playground desperate to find work that lets them still be the primary carer. Which of us is deluded here?

Anyway, just now we had another massive row where i got so mad I said I'd rather be a single parent than have him hassling me like this. He said 'well it might just come to that'. I suppose I asked for it, but now he's out of contact at work and I'm sitting here in tears.

Sorry, just need to get this out of my head. Am I really hiding - I want to work, but can't for the life of me decide what to do.

OP posts:
starlover · 02/03/2006 13:12

if you want to wotrk then can you come to a compromise?

ie, you will find a job YOU want and you;ll do it in school hours.

don't let him bully you :(... do you need to work? or does he just feel you ought to?

LadySherlockofLGJ · 02/03/2006 13:13

Interesting choice of name, looks like he is already starting to wear you down.

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 02/03/2006 13:17

He needs to get his head out of the sand and see that it's just not that easy.

If the children are sick will he take time off?

Will he be available look after them in the holidays?

I'm sitting here on my butt because ds2 is off school sick. But the job with the flexibility that allows me to do this took ages to find.

SoupDragon · 02/03/2006 13:20

I don't think many men get how difficult it is to find a job that is less than school hours (you need ime for pick up/drop off), term time only and flexible enough for the days your child throws up in the night and you can't go in the next day. Or you need a job that pays well enough to cover the childcare costs of a nanny (which is probably the only way you'd be able to work with a sick child!)

throckenholt · 02/03/2006 13:21

can you ask around at the playground - find out if any of those other mums have come up with a clever solution - you never know they may all be doing "well paid jobs" that "fit with school hours and let me be available for when the children are ill" (Grin). they may even be looking for an assistant with your profile !

Seriously - ask around locally - there may be something you can tap into.

shimmy21 · 02/03/2006 13:25

What about taking the tack that you are already looking and will gladly take a job if you can get one which fits?

I guess you've already pointed out to him that the costs of after and before school and holiday childcare would make a job a lot less financially attractive than it seems. Could you do some research into local costs and work out what you'd actually need to earn to make it worth it?

I did this with dh when I was going back to work and it frightened us both when I worked out that including holiday care etc I would be earning very little more than as a SAHM. Then add in travel cotst etc and you may be running to stand still.
Once you've got that figure you've got a bench mark to decide what's worth even thinking about.

iota · 02/03/2006 13:25

weirdly I've just been discussing this with dh - ds2 goes to school in Sept and I would love to find something suitable ( ie as SoupDragon describes) but I've been looking for ages and no luck so far.

I think your dh is being unrealistic

purpleturtle · 02/03/2006 13:27

Don't forget to discuss how the house will have to be run if you're out at work. He may already be cooking meals, and sorting out laundry, but if not, is he prepared to?

DumbledoresGirl · 02/03/2006 13:29

Why is he so obsessed with you finding work and not just any work either but work which uses your qualifications? Is money an issue?

If anyone he knows has a working wife, he doesn't know many people. I am a SAHM and I know loads of others too, including women who worked when their children were little but now that they are at school have stopped work in order to focus on being a SAHM!

BudaBabe · 02/03/2006 13:30

Why does he want you to work? Can you manage financially if you don't? Or is it just because all his friends' wives work?

katyp · 02/03/2006 13:31

Are there any companies locally doing the sort of work you did previously? (assuming you would want to go back to the same thing of course.) If there are, it might be worth approaching them directly to say you are looking for part-time work. Other than that, can't think what else you could do. I think I may be in a similar situation myself in a few years time when the youngest goes to school. I would like to do something I'd find interesting, rather than just doing something to fill the hours, ideally it would pay better than minimum wage and I don't particularly want to go back to what I used to do (but don't want to undertake a lengthy retraining in case I changed my mind and didn't like it after all...)

One of the problems for me (and some other mums I've spoken to) is that I feel I've become less confident and assertive since becoming a sahm Sad

harpsichordcarrier · 02/03/2006 13:31

I think your husband is being a twonk. it is not as easy as he seems to think without family help. what about the holidays and sickness? what about after school? it sounds to me like you would be the one making all the compromises. he is bullying you and hassling you and he should back off I reckon.
it sounds like he is obsessed with money too

Enid · 02/03/2006 13:33

what a twat

you poor thing I feel for you

just pretend you are looking and never get anything until he gets bored

rachelraspberry · 02/03/2006 13:35

I am regular too who has changed their name for this.

Sponger, we are not married to the same man are we? My dh feels and says exactly the same things as yours. I must get a job when my ds starts school (still 2 years away) and it has to be a good job - I would have been happy working in say, M & S - but according to him that is beneath me. All he thinks about all the time is pensions, pensions, pensions. I am ashamed to admit it but sometimes I think - god if something happened to you I wouldn't have to worry because you are worth more death than alive - sorry that sounds extremely nasty and I love him very very much - but he just doesn't see things realistically at all. He thinks he will stay at home if the children are sick, we would arrange school holidays between us etc. Yet he is the person that can get sent to London at the drop of a hat and we also live miles away from family so have no help that way. Sorry I am ranting - but I know how you feel, its just the pits.

InvalidUsername · 02/03/2006 13:36

If this was my situation, I would sit down with him and a piece of paper and a pen. List all the things that will need to be taken care of when (say when because he is more likely to partipate in 'planning' !!)

I would seek to establish whether I was going to be working full or part time, what jobs I could realistically do and what a realistic wage would be. List your skills, experience and qualifications and involve him in thinking about a career for you. Ask him to come up with a list of well paid jobs you are qualified to do.

Childcare arrangements - and the cost of this. There is no reason why you should be expected to be the 'primary carer'.
Housework - I would be VERY firm that both of us working outside the home would mean a 50/50 split of both childcare and housework.

What we would do if the kids were off sick, and how additional childcare costs would be met during school holidays.

And so on and so forth.

I really would use a 'planning' chat as a cover for making him really think about the practicalities. Sure, both partners can work outside the home if they want/need to - but it needs to be planned, not a kneejerk "kids are at school, go earn a wage"

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 02/03/2006 13:36

Lol @ twonk harpsi Grin

acnebride · 02/03/2006 13:36

God almighty, dunno which is worse, to say 'I'm not having my wife working everyone will think I can't provide for my family' or 'Everyone I know has a working wife so you must'

Leaving aside the conflict, my view would be, if working does interest you, write to the organisations you want to work for and offer them exactly the hours/flexibility you want to work. On a freelance/contract basis if you like. What's to lose?

acnebride · 02/03/2006 13:38

sorry, meant to say my first reaction would be to tell him to get knotted, unless you're thousands in debt and a compulsive gambler

rachelraspberry · 02/03/2006 13:40

LOL Acnebride - my dh earns megabucks and we have no debt.

morningpaper · 02/03/2006 13:43

I think people are being harsh on sponger's hubby.

Applying for 3 jobs in 5 months is not very much. I don't know what kind of salary/experience you require/have, but surely it would be better to look for something lower paid and at least be working? You need to treat finding work as your job for the time being. Send your CV to everyone you know, say you are looking for work. I've got several jobs via friends/contacts.

I have several jobs which are just for a few hours a week, including being on the local hospital 'bank' for spare admin hours as and when they come up.

If my DH was looking for work and only applied for 3 jobs in 5 months I would be very annoyed!

You've got 30-40 years of your working life left - don't give up, get stuck in there and enjoy it! Good luck

starlover · 02/03/2006 13:46

but MP he has specified that she isn't allowed to do anything "beneath her" so she doesn't have that much option¬

florenceuk · 02/03/2006 13:48

Have to admit, my dh sees my part-time working as an indulgence - in his view, kids would be equally as happy being at nursery, so the only reason I'm part-time is for my own benefit. I think for men, work is so central to their lives, they can't imagine why you don't want to do it unless you're fundamentally lazy. I admit my pension is tiny, and if I weren't married I'd be stuffed. Also, by working part-time I'm definitely narrowing my career options. TBH, I'm not sure I'd see it as fair if shoe was on the other foot. However bullying you and not acknowledging your current efforts to get a job is definitely not fair.

Do you think money is an issue? If you sat down and did the sums would it be worth it? The other option is to look for childcare/after-school care to widen your options - is this feasible/desirable? Re illness, you need an employer that is willing to be flexible - is this an option in your field? Agree that you need to have a good discussion that goes through the options, lays out what is in your view non-negotiable and what isn't and looks realistically at what is available.

acnebride · 02/03/2006 13:49

can you pin down what exactly is bothering him? does he want you to earn money, be out of the house, be advancing your personal development, letting him take some time out of his career, or what?

acnebride · 02/03/2006 13:50

oh sorry, it's the pensions isn't it.

Blu · 02/03/2006 13:55

Sponger - ARE you as a family short of money? Is money a serious joint concern to you both? Either he is being completely unreasonable, and has not thought of all the consequences, OR he is looking realistically at your household finances and you are, perhaps , burying your head in thew sand while he worries? Of course, i have no idea whether either of these are true.

Would you LIKE to work?

Do you have experience that would enable you to work f/t and engage childcare and still come out ahead? Do you have any 'freelance' type skills that you could offer on contract at times to suit you? Or is this a 'philosphical' debate, where you very much want to put all your energy into being a SAHM and he doesn't suport this?

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