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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh and I argued to the point of splitting up over me being SAHM - I'm panicking now

76 replies

sponger · 02/03/2006 13:04

I've changed my name for this, sorry, but dh will know I've come straight on here to rant.

Our youngest started full time school in October and since then he's been on at me every week to get a well paid job (ie not shopwork or stuff he considers 'beneath' me). We have no family support here. I've applied for 3, was interviewed for one of them but didn't get it. I just cannot think what work I could do with my experience, that will fit with school hours and let me be available for when the children are ill. He tells me everyone he knows has a wife working. I tell him there are highly qualified women all over the playground desperate to find work that lets them still be the primary carer. Which of us is deluded here?

Anyway, just now we had another massive row where i got so mad I said I'd rather be a single parent than have him hassling me like this. He said 'well it might just come to that'. I suppose I asked for it, but now he's out of contact at work and I'm sitting here in tears.

Sorry, just need to get this out of my head. Am I really hiding - I want to work, but can't for the life of me decide what to do.

OP posts:

Marina · 02/03/2006 14:36

Could you look for part-time teaching/lecturing work in your field of expertise sponger?

FairyMum · 02/03/2006 14:37

Also agree about shared responsibilities. Both me and DH have made compromises in our careers and share the childcare between us. It would never work if we didn't share 50/50. Can you not show him this thread?

iota · 02/03/2006 14:38

WWW I remember that pharmacist story - grim isn't it

Blu · 02/03/2006 14:49

'sponger' - sorry - it seems to be the row which has upset you mist this time. I hope that he has had time to do a little thinking, too. Things get said in rows. Maybe tell him the 'single parent' thing was OTT - BUT don't back down on your quite reasonable pov on the rest!

ALSO - he does seem to be quite controlling - wanting to call the shots, not only deciding that you must work, but expecting to dicatate what work you do!!! Not reasonable, really.

mumsnetminx · 02/03/2006 14:52

I agree Blu, it is not really for him to say what short of work you do. You should do what makes you happy. Perhpas this is the crux and neds to be sorted out.

Soopermum1 · 02/03/2006 15:15

is it the money or status he's interested in? do you think he was attracted to you as a high flying manager and enjoyed the status of being with such a person and now feels his status is a bit dented by having a SAHM as a partner?

not agreeing with any of this, BTW, just wondering if that's how he feels.

ever thought of transcription work from home? where you get tapes and type it all up? or what about your old contacts from work? can they help?

i work full time and i'm lucky that DH is fairly supportive. i suppose i've rushed home more times than him when DS is sick but that's coz i'm worried and want to care for him myself, DH picks DS up from nursery every day and has him for about an hour alone until i get home.

however, this situation has been forced on him, he had no choice as i had to go back to work as the main breadwinner, then my work moved to the other end of town. we didn't really argue about it as he had no choice, that was just the way it was. we're now moving so i can be closer to work and do the DS pick up instead (work is v. supportive would be a fool to jack it in.)

anyway, you may find if you go back to work in a job where you can't be there during school hours that dh is kinda forced to do his share of the rushing home from school, housework etc. i trully reckon if we were in your position, dh would react fairly similarly coz there are choices involved but now he's used to it and doesn't know any other way

good luck!

Original poster

sponger · 02/03/2006 16:40

Just lost a whole ranty post, you'll be relieved to hear. Have decided the conclusion is

a) dh is an arrogant, domestically lazy snob and arse who is fed up with being the sole breadwinner but wants to carry on developing his career

b) I am a defensive doormat with impressive skills but not much professional confidence who needs to get my finger out

c) we need to find a way of discussing this without wanting to leave each other

d) Mumsnet and my friend at the school gate today have made me see things much more clearly

He hasn't responded to any of my messages this afternoon, so am still with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

sponger · 02/03/2006 16:44

Meant to add that although he hasn't actually said he'd be ashamed if I was a dinner lady, he said he didn't know why any self respecting woman would want to be one. Quite who he expects his children to be served by, I don't know.

This whole row was brought about (well, today anyway) by my telling him that there was a queue of mums outside the school office waiting to apply for one of two dinner lady posts that would net them £200 a month, for two hours a day term time. Many of these women are way more experienced than i am and two of them have Phds.

OP posts:

saadia · 02/03/2006 16:50

I am also SAHM and plan to return to work when the kids are at school. I was thinking of looking for a council job as they would hopefully provide a pension and be more flexible re:holidays/childcare.

Could you re-train for something? I have been thinking of training as SALT (although currently I have no idea what this entails?)

WideWebWitch · 02/03/2006 16:51

Sponger, re the q of highly qualified women going for dinner lady jobs, it's a fucking tragedy isn't it? Really, your dh needs to get real.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 02/03/2006 16:53

Your husband sounds like a total snob.

That is the polite version BTW

Soopermum1 · 02/03/2006 17:16

grrrrrrrrr

women should be able to choose whatever job they like/ feel happy in/ are qualified for/ good at without having to put up with the snobbery of others who think that job is any less valuable than any others.i have what could be regarded as quite a fancy job (i work in tv) but i'm wise enough to know it's not a patch, in real terms, on those who help our society day in day out, i include dinner ladies in this.

your husband should cast his prejudices aside. what happens if DS grows up and wants to be a dustman for a living????????

Original poster

sponger · 03/03/2006 12:11

must update you with what I have just heard.

A female colleague of dh's has a son in the same school as our two. He was on the phone to her this morning and I heard him say "Really? Oh right...well...yes i can see that.... etc etc etc" and he looked over at me and started blushing wildly.

Turns out this woman is leaving her part time senior management job at dh's organisation to become - you've guessed it - a dinner lady at our school. Because it's the only way she can juggle working and school hours. She said her dh had told her his career would always be more important so she might as well cave in now.

Cue mumbling apology from dh and falling off chair from me.

Still about the whole situation, though!

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 03/03/2006 12:13

Sponger, am open mouthed and glad your dh had the grace to blush. Could you go for the pt senior management job she's leaving? :)

expatinscotland · 03/03/2006 12:33

Well stated as usual, LadySherlock.

NotActuallyAMum · 03/03/2006 12:47

Not surprised you're still angry with him but the bit about the colleague/dinner lady has just made me PMSL

Absolutely priceless

TuttiFrutti · 03/03/2006 13:04

Sponger, reading this thread yesterday nearly made me cry, but reading it today made me laugh! Your post about the dinner ladies is priceless!!!

I really feel for you. No advice I'm afraid, just lots of sympathy. The more I think about it, the more I think that starting your own business is the only way forward - but not easy either, I know.

Marina · 03/03/2006 14:25

Oh, how funny and timely is that .

Original poster

sponger · 03/03/2006 14:27

Dh has been very conciliatory today - we both apologised for going OTT yesterday but I'm still sulking about the way he shouts me down.

This thread has made me see that I do have to think more laterally, though.

I'm prepared to shift my thinking for you all, but not for him. Thanks, I've had a virtual sympathetic 'talking to' of the kind only women can do

OP posts:

morningpaper · 03/03/2006 14:31

lol about dinner lady

glad you are feeling better about things though

melsy · 03/03/2006 15:06

Ive had the same argys , Exact same as yours !!! It was spooky reading this , it really was. It took me some time to convince my dh otherwise , but I think now he gets it!!!

I have my own business that I run from home, Its started vvvv tentativly , but Im hoping that once my 2 are at school & nursury more often , (Im pg with 2nd), I can start advertising and build it up to something more financially viable as an income. I saw this as the ONLY way for me to feel fullfilled both as a mum, creatively & mentally. My business uses lots of the skills and training I had in my previous career and education , but it has taken lots of confidence building and a few changes in direction over a 3 year period to really believe in myself. I know you would probably find the first few freelance contracts, (you mentioned writing), nerve wracking , but eventually it will become 2nd nature and a normal way of life & probably exciting and rewarding. You can also work it around school runs , illness etc.

heavenis · 03/03/2006 15:14

I've not read the whole thread so if someone has said this then sorry,you said you have worked in the childrens school. How about training to be a CSA (class room assisant) that way you get all the holidays they do.

IvortheEngine · 03/03/2006 16:45

I'm glad that our posts have been of some help to you. Good luck!

BudaBabe · 04/03/2006 08:37

PMSL at your DH's colleague!!!! Couldn't have come at a better time for you!!

LadySherlockofLGJ · 04/03/2006 09:25

Oh Lord God how I laughed,

My DH thinks he owes you lunch at a nice country pub.

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