Dh and I argued to the point of splitting up over me being SAHM - I'm panicking now

[sponger]

I've changed my name for this, sorry, but dh will know I've come straight on here to rant.

Our youngest started full time school in October and since then he's been on at me every week to get a well paid job (ie not shopwork or stuff he considers 'beneath' me). We have no family support here. I've applied for 3, was interviewed for one of them but didn't get it. I just cannot think what work I could do with my experience, that will fit with school hours and let me be available for when the children are ill. He tells me everyone he knows has a wife working. I tell him there are highly qualified women all over the playground desperate to find work that lets them still be the primary carer. Which of us is deluded here?

Anyway, just now we had another massive row where i got so mad I said I'd rather be a single parent than have him hassling me like this. He said 'well it might just come to that'. I suppose I asked for it, but now he's out of contact at work and I'm sitting here in tears.

Sorry, just need to get this out of my head. Am I really hiding - I want to work, but can't for the life of me decide what to do.

A lot of men feel the weight of being the sole earner, maybe he felt that when the children were in school that the pressure would ease slightly - now that does not seem to be the case?

I think he needs to get a bit more realistic on the juggling you would have to do but you might need to stop focusing on the difficulties and start trying to find solutions - i.e. You can work schooltimes but it will be shopwork / you can do x job but you need to retrain first. etc etc.

you are not a sponger

sponger ( name), I went back to work when my dds were small. I was earning a good wage, given my skills and experience, about as much as I could expect to earn. By the time I had paid nursery fees and travel, I had about £50 per month left over. I kept going in the hope of being promoted(and was promised a payrise too). The payrise never materialised and then the nursery fees went up - and suddenly I was going to be paying out more than I earned.

Dh was keen for me to go back to work at the time, but 11 months down the line I was a SAHM again because it simply wasn't possible.

Thanks for all the replies - I've been on the phone to my brother who was deperately trying to referee me through my ranting.

Money is a slight issue - we're not in debt but we could do with more, like everyone else. I'm a cheap date, though, and he could be married to somoene who expects expensive (or even first hand) clothes, jewellery and holidays.

Morningpaper - one of the things he said to me was that he knows I have in the past had a 90% hit rate for being shortlisted for jobs I've applied for. I think that's because I only apply for those I'm in with a chance of getting. He won't hear of me working in retail/reception/admin jobs (he's an intellectual snob/they don't pay enough). So I could apply for every job in the paper each week, but I'd get a lot more rejections.

I am very active in the children's school - I did that to get confidence and contacts. There are a lot of very capable women crying at their kitchen tables round here, it's not just me. I'm putting the word out and most of the mothers I see understand what it's like.

Oh, I don't know.

The single parent threat was out of order, I know. But what it reveals is that I'm more likely to develop at my own pace than be pushed by a bully. I once called dh home from work when I had two children under two, all three of us had a serious sick bug and I had fainted once that morning. He was furious at being called out of his meeting. If I were to get work outside this house, I'd have a hell of a time trying to get him to pull his weight.

It's very helpful to type all this out, though.

I sort of agree with mp in that I think a lot of you are being too anti the idea of sponger working. If the kids were sick sponger would manage just the way 1000s of other women who work manage - with difficulty . It sounds to me that sponger has a very narrow idea of the type/hours of work she will do - ie her job has to totally fit in with school hours and her other commitments, whereas her DH thinks that she should have the highest-flying, best paid job possible regardless of her other commitments. I think there should be some middle ground/compromise here and lots more discussion needed.

I am in the tricky position of having one in day nursery and one in school with an after school CM. This is all fine and good until the CM has a week off in March. If I just had DS I could spread my 3 days over 5 and fit my 22.5 hours in but I have DD. So my plan is to get DH to take DD to MILs for tea on Sunday and DD stay the night. DH has also agreed to take DS to school Monday am. So I can come into work early (I normally arrive at 8.15) and do about 6 hours before picking DS up from school then driving over to my MILs with DS for tea (about 1.25 hours drive and my work is 40 mins in opp. direction). Bath the kids and put in pjs then bring them home. Then I will have banked the hours for arriving at work at 9.30 instead of 8.15 for the next 3 days. I have arranged two play dates for DS and will pick him up myself the other day. So it's going to be a hard week but is doable and it's just because of the CM's holiday and I am reluctant to take much leave this early in the year.

Does your DH want you to work for financial reasons? Or is it that he feels that you should go out and do something to fill your time while your children are at school.

My DH has said to me that when DS starts school I should find something for me, not necessarily a job as such as we don't need me to work financially, but something to get me out of the house, and give me an identity, he's even suggested I could do voluntary work or become a school governor but he will support me whatever I decide to do. Result is that I have recently started studying to become a counsellor. It may become my career, it may not, but it's something for me and is something I may be able to do on a part-time basis when DS goes back to school once I have my diploma.

Talk to your DH. Ask him whether he wants you to earn money or whether he just wants you to have your own identity, there's nothing wrong with the latter, but it has to be what you want as well. If I turned round tomorrow and said to my DH that I didn't want to do anything, he would support me, but he would feel that I was throwing a part of myself away.

Your last post has made me re-consider what I wrote. I think that you need some support. My example of my week without the CM does rely on DH taking DD over to his Mum's on Sunday and taking DS to school on Monday morning.
It sounds like he wants to have it both ways - you running the home and bringing up the children seamlessly without outside support/support from him and having a high powered, high earning job at the same time is not really feasible.

Hi there, I have been looking at part-time work since DS started school last Sept.

He goes to private school and has 10 weeks in the summer, 4 at Christmas and 4 at Easter plus the half terms etc.

When you tie that in with me being the one who will take time off if he is sick and dropping/collecting him from school plus fitting in doctors/dentist appointment etc it doesn't leave a lot of time for a decent job that requires commitment. DP can sometimes work away all week for a year or more only coming home at weekends so everything would be down to me.

If you also throw in how much discrimination and how badly paid most part-time jobs appear to be it is hardly worth the effort.

I'm not happy for DS to stay in school after hours until say 6ish as that is a very long day for a 5 year old. I know people have no choice and do it but I do have a choice and I prefer to be there for DS. When you also throw in all the shopping cooking and cleaning I don't know how working parents (mothers mainly) do it, you must all be amazing.

What I am hoping for is that a position would come up at DS or a local school that I could do. There were a few last year but typical when I want one there are none available.

I agree that my field of vision is narrow, but I honestly can't see more widely without some support. This thread is proving very useful to me.

If I get a call from the school saying one of the children is ill, ther is no-one but me who can pick them up. I'm close by and we have no relatives. I could ask the neighbours in an emergency but can't use them as childcare on a regular basis. I would need to earn a lot before being able to send the children to a CM or activity club in holidays. I do want to work somehow - a freelance writing career from home is the most likely option but I admit I'm scared of starting that from scratch. I was trying to tackle my SAHM lack of confidence by doing voluntary work for a year.

I genuinely would like to see how others get round this. My narrowness of view isn't my preferred option, honest!

Poor you. There just AREN'T many jobs which are well paid, term time only, school hours and flexible! Tell your dh to go and get one himself if he's so convinced they're around every corner. Fgs. Sorry, that's not much help since you know this! Sympathy though.

sponger what is your field of expertees?

Would something like being a teaching assistant appeal to you? You wouldn't have to worry about holidays and schol hours, and you could present it to your husband as perhaps leading to training to be a teacher when kids are older. If your youngest is at school it presumably won't be a hugely long time until they can look after themselves a bit more.

'sponger' - you need your DH to know that amongst us working mums, the very first requirement is a DP/DH who takes JOINT responsibility for childcare and domestic duties. I do work f/t rather than p/t, but in terms of cover during school hols and sickness, DP and I have to take equal responsibility. Ditto with shopping, cooking, absolutely everything. I don't think you can be Primary / sole child-carer AND have paid work unless he is prepared to pull his weight domestically ir else pay fopr a cleaner or childcare cover for hols or sickness. Since he is such an expert on his colleagues familes , perhaps he might like to ask how these things are adressed in their families? bearing in mind what you say about lack of close family.

www, it does help, really

I was a senior manager in a local authority, working fourteen hour days and every other weekend. No women working at that level in that organisation had chldren. I didn't understand why at that point, but I do now! My background is creative, but I think I need to work from home by myself to be flexible enough for childcare comitments. I'm scared to sit at a computer to try and generate income from scratch but that's what dh wants me to do.

Am worried about how we'll be when he gets home tonight. This row happens often, but today's was the nastiest. I might have pushed him too far

sponger I think the sickness is a bit of a red herring tbh. You or DH have to do that - you can't farm them off on a play date if they are ill. But believe me, primary school age children tend to get ill a lot less frequently than toddlers in a nursery setting, although having said that DS has had 2 weeks off since starting reception in September. You deal with that by taking holiday or unpaid absence and feeling guilty for letting work down. That's just the way it is.

The holiday/after school is another kettle of fish because that is regular and large amounts of time. You really need to have something sorted for this and your DH being dismissive of this is a bit pointless.

Does your DH work away? Could you agree to go down your voluntary/freelance route and maybe get a job working a couple of evenings a week to bring in a bit of cash? I guess your DH would be snooty about the kind of evening work you would get, but 1000s of students do that to finance them along the way.

I have to go and do some drudgery now before the school run. Thanks for talking to me, I feel a lot calmer now.

Can I second the "twonk" comment, please?

I disagree with part of one post. In my experience, the person who has done most of the child caring to date is the one who is expected to drop everything at a moment's notice if a child falls ill. I'm at home today because both my children's schools are closed due to snow. Dh is away and even if he was at work, 90% of the time he has meetings already planned (with people travelling miles to meet him or him going to them) and wouldn't be able to work from home that day. He does work from home when he can but it has to be planned well in advance. I have a deadline for 5pm tomorrow. If the schools aren't open then I can't work and I'll miss the deadline. Dh has meetings tomorrow (I've checked with his P.S.) so he can't work from home and mind them at the same time. The kids are 12 and 11, btw. I work school hours only, less than 20 hours per week. I hate letting work down, but we moved with dh's work so there aren't any family members nearby. My boss isn't in work today. He is at home with his children. He and his wife take it in turns when kids are ill or schools are closed. Sorry this is so long, but I wanted you to know that I understand and that this is reality, not the (to be honest) nonsense that your dh believes. I could be several grades higher than I am but that would mean more responsibility and travel, courses, etc etc. Without adequate support in the form of family or au-pair or a childminder who can be very flexible, etc, it just wouldn't work. I minded 2 children this morning for a neighbour for a few hours. I don't have anyone to do this for me as most of my friends work and if I'm stuck then so are they. Luckily, my dh is very supportive. If I want to work then that's fine and he'll do his bit as and when he can. His career is the breadwinner though and not mine and we both know that. Your dh needs to come into the real world in order to understand your point of view first, though, and drop this "Other wives work so you should" and "It must not be work beneath you" nonsense first. Good luck.

sponger it sounds like your dh has a position of responsibility so I would start be enlisting his help. Sit down with a notepad and pencil tonight and come up with a strategy - ask him for ideas and contacts. Tell him to keep an eye out for you for adverts/opportunities. Follow them through even if you think they are crap. :)

sorry posts xd. He does often have to work away for a week at a time. And recently he has taken overseas trips to develop his career without actually being paid for them (conferences, courses etc)

It does rankle sometimes that a divorce court would value my contribution to the family and his career more than he does.

Totally agree with Blu. The kind of job you describe in the OP is as rare as hen's teeth. The reality is that you'll half kill yourself if you try and combine a demanding job with your current SAHM responsibilities. If he wants you to do your bit to support the family financially, how's he going to start supporting you on the child/ domestic front? That's where you need to start IMO.

Well, I think you really need to thrash this one out. TBH, if you were divorced you'd probably have to work and there would be no room for intellectual snobbery by your dh then!
In my experience and those of my immediate friends, it is impossible to work part-time and climb the career ladder in the same way you would if you were full-time. I'm sure that will change at some point in the future but it is very much the case.
Your dh is going to have to be a little bit realistic about what you can do.

However, I wouldn't worry to much about the sick children thing, unless yours have a track record of extreme poorliness. Employers are not going to go mental because you have to pick up an ill child occasionally.

Oh sponger, what an arse... but hey, arguments happen and things are said that shouldn't be said.
FWIW I know how you feel, I got a new job when my youngest started school, where I am underpaid and undervalued. The hardest thing that I had to get my head round was the fact that as the primary carer (dh doesn't do a lot other than earn the money so to speak) that I had to accept a job that suited my commitments i.e. part time dogsbody. It can be pretty crap, it's just a job, certainly not the great career I once had, but the people are friendly enough and it fits in with everything else. My dh didn't push me back into work although he was pretty quick to ask me what I was now going to be doing all day!

Absolutely agree with Blu re shared responsibilities. When dhand I both work f/t (which is most of the time) we take equal responsibility for everything else, unless I'm away (have been last 6 months) in which case he does all of it, which was v v tough.

retrain as a teacher? that way you will gt the holidays?

I remember a depressing discussion on this here ages ago where someone said one of their dinner ladies had now gone back to her full time job as a pharmacist as her youngest was now able to get themselves to and from school.It's all v depressing really when you think about it, I winge about this a lot!

I love my partner. (-:

He says I have spent 5 years looking after our DS and he is happy for me to do what I want now and is encouraging me to go to the gym, go to lunches etc.

Even being a SAHM sometimes he comes home from work and I say I couldn't be bothered to cook you can and off he goes and does it (-: