Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi fool you were on here last time ! So good too see your name again

waves at Wrenner...never far away dearest.
Glad that you are back if you need us...nothing quite like the company of strangers who really understand is there?

Thank you, I had to post and run. Nothing major happened, just him being himself and really annoying/upsetting me. There was an event we both had to attend together for our children. It was the first time in months we had spent more than 5 mins in each others company and i'm very annoyed with myself that I let him get to me.
He has no doubt managed to convince everyone there that he is a lovely man and doting father.
I didn't realise I still felt this way. I guess it will take quite a while, especially to let go of his children who I was a (bloody good) step mother to for years.
I'm just struggling with everyone blaming me for everything, including his daughter. Nothing serious in the grand scheme of things though

Hello wise women. My first time posting and not sure if I belong with you or not.

My marriage is crap at the moment and my husband is selfish and likes to get his own way and can make some unkind comments but not sure if it is truly emotional abuse. I do think he is depressed (not that this is an excuse)

I made wedding vows and meant them and do feel obliged to stay unless he is abusive. I also hope that things will get better in time.

What is really confusing me is that a few times recently my husband has said that I'm clearly not happy and perhaps we should split as there's no point us both being unhappy. Is that something an EA-er would suggest? Would he not want to hang onto me for his own enjoyment? This makes me think perhaps he is an idiot but not an abusive one. What do you think?

Hi Lemon thanks for your message last week, it hit a nerve and opened flood gates but it really touched me and reminded me that I'm not alone. Other Women have been through the awful pain too :(
Anastasia why does one parent have to do that to the other one? why cant they understand that they're hurting the children too!!! whilst saying that they care about the children the most :(
Fool I am having good days when I try to be positive and bad days when I can barely function........I would never put another person through this pure hell, he is evil.
Ro run away anywhere just get yourself and your little ones away while you can. Don't risk going through what I am, thats my one regret, should have done it years ago when he wasn't interested in them.
Hi Sunrise how are you now? I'm asking same question will we ever be free of these men?
sending you all lots of love and strength xxx

Hi moo

have a look at the links at the top of the thread and see if he fits in any way.
You don't need to get a "full house"
Not all abusers are as abusive as one-another....

Men who are controlling abusers who suggest separation are either "players" (ie have someone else lines up) or are married to women who they see as very invested in marriage itself as well as their marriage in particular (eg if you are religious)..it is designed to get the response, no I would never leave you/end our marriage, and would drive you back towards him.

often abuse is easiest to diagnose by it's effect. if you are muddled, conflicted, emotionally worn down, feel confused, love/hate him in equal measure you are likely in a EA relationship if you feel angry/clear sighted/ in control of yourself/ separate from his emotions and able to express yours you probably are njust married to an idiot!!

Post if we can hel-p!

lady one day you will see that the good days come more often than the bad...many hugs to you.

Thank you Fool one day at a time, and one step at a time I will survive and be a stronger person (please please please) x

you will lady you will

Hugs, lady

Thanks fool I think I was trying to get him to tick all the boxes ... but it makes sense that there is a scale of abusers. Some of the stories on here seem so much worse than my marriage.

I genuinely don't think there is anyone else lined up. I am religious, so he knows that it would be a last resort to separate so there may be something in the 'I'd never leave you' line. Although last time he said it, I was nearly ready to go, and do sometimes dream of my own house where I can choose whatever pictures and furnishings I want!

At one point I was quite muddled and worn down. These days I feel very much stronger. I think I can see through the snide comments. When he says that something makes me look fat I now can't help but smile inside as I know what he really wants to say is 'I don't like that'. In the past I would have got changed but now I know I look good (don't mean to sound big-headed, but I'm quite proud to have got to this place)

I have never asked him, but don't think he'd think he was abusive.

Some of the people on here are very inspiring and I bet there are loads of people like me who get help from reading without posting.

Bless you Fool and thanks Trying
Unhappy I know what you mean, I am constantly shattered but as soon as I go to bed, my mind plays back incidents or conversations where the Red Flags would have been waving directly in my face :(such a stupid trusting foolMUG I've been.

Girls be kind to yourselves. if you had been the sort of people who found it easy to establish your boundaries and see the behaviour and think badly of these men...you (and I) would not be here X years down the line trying to work out what to do for the best.

It is a truth that you are likely to be people who are kind and who look for the best in others. Who forgive and assume that the other person is trying and investing in the relationship as much as you. Who believe in people and in selfless love. Who have a high view of promises made and high standards for your own moral landscape. I guarantee that you will have tried every option to make it work and only mental and emotional exhaustion has led to you being in this place where you are hurt and angry in equal measure.

Don't turn that anger on yourselves. The blame for where you are rests on the abuser, theirs was the bad behaviour, it still is.

Yes maybe we could have seen it earlier. maybe we could have reacted differently...but you did not do anything wrong, you just tried to make it work. If you had been married to a non-abusive man it would have worked.

Be kind to yourselves. Forgive yourselves, move on one step at a time.

Legally if something is in his name only and kept in a private locked filing cabinet that you would normally access, a lawyer would not be able to use this information in court as you might be seen to have accessed the information illegally.

If it is left lying around the house/in a filing cabinet that you both use and have access to or it is in your joint names then there is no problem with using it in court.

However, there is no need to panic even in the first case as it is still useful for you to know if/when you end up filling form E for the divorce courts and you find he has been dishonest. It can give you knowledge without being of direct use in court.

Btw the same is true for emails/texts etc. You can't use them in court unless they were sent to you (no hacking to see what he's up to).

Ideally all information will be used for you to negotiate a financial agreement outside court as it is cheaper

I really need to photocopy statements too, just in case. But NSDH is off all this week (looks like he's spent the morning on facebook) so won't be able to do things right now. I too have started my diary of recording events .

I was thinking a few days ago. I think one day I would like to have a little brother or sister for DD, but at the same time, NSDH treated me so badly while I was pregnant/gave birth/early baby days that the very thought of going through it all with him again makes me feel sick. It was such an eye-opener for me about his personality. So being rational about it, I guess I can do one of 3 things:
a) put up with him as he is, have another baby sometime and go through the same hell, or hope he does it better second time around; or
b) refuse to have another baby with him and resent him forever; or
c) break up and go back on the meat market in the faint hope that one day I might meet someone decent who wants a family with me.

I'm not sure which of those would be best. Rock and hard place.

I'm dreading going home from work tonight, making bets with myself that he's done nothing in the house all day and has been just playing the computer. Hope everyone else is having a better day?

nini, I think option C is your safest, unless you take the sperm donation on the assumption that you are probably leaving.. Which will be harder with 2 DC's obviously.

I do know that he will NOT be better the 2nd time around, from bitter experience. I do wonder if my PND would have even happened if I hadn't been left to look after an 18 mth old and a non sleeping, tongue tied, breastfed newborn.

Well this morning he hung up on me after threatening me vaguely about taking me to the cleaners financially if I left with the children. Then he sent me a lovely, kind text saying that he does his best to deal with me when I bully him and try to gain control and he is just trying to help. WTF?!

Quick question - I think I'll seek counselling or a support group for myself but am unsure which direction to go in. He is an alcoholic, that much I am sure of and the emotional abuse is linked to that (chicken and egg situation). So should I attend a codependency group, Al Anon, or some kind of EA victim support? Or all of them?!

Well I think the damp teatowel statement is what all of us think, most of the time. Unfortunately.

As a friend of mine said to me this morning, why are you waiting to hit rock bottom in your relationship if you are sitting there cushioning rock bottom?

I think we are programmed to wait for the worst thing to happen to push us out that door. Then we become immune to the horrible things and keep waiting for the "worst" thing. Sometimes I've thought that maybe he will do me a serious injury and then I will "know". Fuckwit that I am thanks to his brainwashing and gaslighting.