Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Someone needing help - have invited her over, this is her thread.

Thanks for suggesting I come here Silver. I have posted a few times on the relationships board. I will have a good look through the posts.
Don't want to rewrite everything so thanks for posting a link.

really sorry im not replying to people to help i am struggling to cope with my own life at the minute

this morning i had enough - we had been supposed to have a proper chat while baby was being minded tomorrow about the things i wasn't happy about in the marriage - lay down boundaries etc. i told him a week and a half ago we needed to talk - it was him who said he wasn't free till today. he knew i wasn't happy yet each day has been blaming me because i can't say i love you back or give him a hug - i can't bring myself to because i don't feel love anymore and i really can't force myself to hug him even. i keep telling him its respect first.

anyway he has been getting more upset and angry about this - which is understandable, but not to take it out on me - this morning he started his swearing, ranting and raving, trying to discuss our problems in front of baby which i wasn't happy about - she is looking distressed, i say we need to wait til tomorrow and he keeps firing questions at me, slammed the door, shouting, swearing, til i was all panicky. while i was packing the car he was going on and on, started crying and saying see im in tears and you don't care, you are heartless, going on and on.

i went into a complete panic, got as much together as i could, got me and the baby in the car and now im at my mums and have told him its over. he said i refused to talk - i said i did want to talk but he did not respect me enough to wait till when we had palnned and now its too late. he is very upset and keeps telling me to come home and that he will leave me alone. i do not trust that he will leave me alone he has proven it to me. i don't want to be with him anymore - i need a trial separation if anything

my mums is too far for me to live here - i need to get a place near where home is - soon. how quickly do you think i could find a decent rental house? i have no clue what to do. he is working on tues so maybe i could do some stuff then - i have no clue where to start from here. i have no clue about houses, about finances (as he took control). i can go to citizens advice. i know nothing about how to get my benefits i am on transferred to my bank account or stop our joint account. i don't know how he is going to pay HIS rent without it. i don't know where im going to get the energy to pack all my and the babys stuff and move. and i NEED my car - how am i going to afford to keep a car on the go??

please please help! i cannot relax. i am at mums, and the baby has nowhere to sleep so she will sleep beside me which means no sleep for both of us it just doesn't work for us.

sorry this is so long i am overwhelmed

ps he is going on hols for a week later this week which will give me a good time to get things sorted

Fuckity fuck

Deep breaths, jan. Helping you in whatever small way we can helps us, yoi know.

Today is Sunday, you Do Not need to think about this stuff till tomorrow, I think. Do you know your NI number, though? And a google would give you an idea about places to rent. But you don't need to decide anything yet - you have made the one decision you needed to.

Well done for leaving jan

I'm not sure about the answers to your questions but give women's aid a call.

bertie you ok?

Well done jan, like the other ladies have said think about this stuff tomorrow. Maybe Citizens advice can help?

Bertie are you ok?

Fool I love your list you put up yesterday, have printed it to keep in my wallet to remind me

A whinge (again) from me here. Yet another shitty weekend at home. I can't take it anymore. It's always about HIM, everything is about what HE wants, HE needs, HIS desires and decisions.

Kicked off early yesterday morning, once the post arrived he had a letter saying his parcel he'd ordered from the Far East (made to measure suits he has done every few months), had been caught by customs. He had a moan about that () then announced he was off to pick the parcel up which meant he was gone for well over an hour. We went to a party in the afternoon so he was all sweetness and light in public as always.

This morning he tells me he 'needs' time on the computer to do a 'work-related test'. I pressured him a little bit into exactly what that meant and eventually he admitted that he'd applied for a new job but hadn't told me he has an interview this week as he 'didn't want to get my hopes up ( ). He had told me he had a day off this week but that it was to do some studying. So I was a bit pissed off that he'd decided not to tell me - obviously my opinion doesn't matter! Not only that, I reminded him that I'd had NO time to myself this weekend (Aside from the food shopping) so that I WOULD LIKE TO RELAX SOMETIME PLEASE!!!!!!

So this afternoon after much pushing he takes DD over the road to have a cuppa with the neighbour. I was tidying and preparing some Ebay parcels when I realised I'd run out of padded envelopes. So I go over the road to tell him I'm popping out and to check he had his key. I walk into the neighbour's house and he comes flying out of the living room looking panicy, then trying to bar my way and shut the door on me, saying 'don't be mad, don't be mad'. Thinking DD might be hurt, I asked what had happened and managed to squeeze past him. Then I see DD working her way through a BIG bag of chocolate buttons. Turns out he wanted to 'give her a treat' (she's 18 months so I'm of the opinion she has years to enjoy chocolate and I prefer her to have healthy snacks or oaty bars etc, he KNOWS this!). I'm not being PFB but he obviously had NO intention of telling me, God knows what else he's done that I don't know about - that's TWICE I've caught him lying to me THIS WEEKEND ALONE! But I couldn't say anything in front of the neighbour.

When we were home I told him we weren't on speaking terms. I'm fucking livid about the whole weekend. But now he's gone all silent on me which means unless I explode at him or forget it all ever happened, nothing more will come of it.

I can't keep living like this. I have no safety net - no councillor to talk to anymore. I have no-one. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I'm all alone in this hell. But part of me feels like I'm overreacting. How did I get here? I'm in tears, upstairs watching TV alone. I feel so lost and so so alone.

nini at the risk of sounding flippant, feeding too many choc buttons is the perogative of the GP. But it sounds like quite a nice thing for him to have done. And I sort of get it re not telling you about the job, too.

Focus a little bit on you if you can. Watching TV is good. I am sympathetic, though at face value this post doesn't seem much like it.

I know it's a ridiculous thing to get worked up about (although he was visiting the neighbour, not the GP ). It's this theme of keeping things from me I don't like. And the bastard didn't buy ME any chocolate . He's always buying DD sweet sugary crap, think he's turning into one of those parents that tries to buy their child's love, but when it comes to big, important purchases for her he's nowhere to be seen.

Anyway, (shrug).

I need to get a place near where home is - soon. how quickly do you think i could find a decent rental house? Quite quickly at this time of year if it is a private rental...have you enough for a deposit and rent? It's harder if you are on benefits.

Child benefit: open a simple non-credit check bank account in your own name ( Lloyds TSB has an easy access internet account. Money saving expert has a list too). Phone the Child benefit office and ask for it to be transferred into this account...mine took 5 days, they were great. You just nee the reference number.

Working/child tax credit: same as above. If you were claiming before then can just transfer immediately to a single person paid into your own account takes less than 2 weeks .

stop our joint account. You can't do this but you can transfer a reasonable amount from it for your use. keep good records. Equally he can clear this out so make sure all your funds are safe somewhere else. If he runs up a debt you would also be liable so talk to them about removing yourself from the account.

Take yourself off any joint credit cards where he is the main card holder...you don't want to be responsible for him. hope fully you have a credit card in your name. If not consider applying for one before you exit from the joint account.

i don't know how he is going to pay HIS rent without it Actually right now you have to stop worrying about him. you have to save your energies for yourself. he is a grown up and apparently capable of controlling everything so let him sort it out. You MUST look after yourself and DC

i don't know where im going to get the energy to pack all my and the babys stuff and move. Like the rest of us ...one step at a time. Can a friend go with you and help?

Contact your local Women's Aid they will have drop in legal advice sessions (free) and also a list of local lawyers who have a special interest in domestic abuse.

WELL DONE JAN!!!!!! you can make this work. You really can.

If you can manage to go no contact for a couple of weeks it will help your mental health a lot.

thanks for your replies i don't know what i would do without the support and the sense that others are going through this too. i should really phone citizens advice and WA tomorrow and get them to talk me through all this shouldn't i. he might want to keep our finances joint (as i don't want a divorce yet, i did say if things change and he changes i could consider getting back together)
but it wouldn't be a good idea to do that sure it wouldn't?

yes i am on benefits at the minute. im studying and qualify next year and am hoping to get a job then - i really hope i can afford it!

when you say to transfer money from our joint account - i would feel very guilty doing this! as i was only getting some benefits. we were living off his student loan and some money from his part time job. and some of my benefits. i feel like its HIS not mine. i would feel bad doing that.

i have about £600 in the bank to my name. serious. i kept going on at him to save but he is so bad with money and never let me take control with it.

you are right i don't need to think about any of this now...

thanks so much guys sorry we are all in this boat!

Do Not keep your finances joint. He is obviously not good with money and you will get into all sorts of problems. remember he can demonstrate his desire to change just as well with you fully gone.

the more leverage he has over you the less likely he is to take you seriously re change.

nini I could be barking up the wrong tree, but your post makes me wonder if you have both become over-sensitised as it were, to each other? Each second guessing the other and being proved right? Does that make any kind of sense?

Yeah it does silver, we've been doing this weird 'dance' around each other for a while now, it's exhausting. But until we get an appointment for counselling I can't see any way for the dance to stop. And even with counselling I'm skeptical.

Hi all, been away but thinking of you all.

FW been all nice and reasonable while away = spaghetti brain. However, just as I was thinking, oooh maybe we CAN work things out, he started screaming at DD and also showed his dogmatic, not very bright POVs and I actually said aloud (whilst in bathroom!), "thank you" (to him) for inadvertantly reminding me of WHY!!! Phew, nearly lost myself there....

Hope you're all ok (ish)

Evening all! He's just back from nighttime cricket - this time in rain! Drunk, and teetering in mood. I am not saying this is a fact but I worry about sex happening tonight.

Jan & Nini hope you're both ok?

It seems like all the FWHs have kicked off this weekend...is there something we don't know? Do they have there own version of MN ( "FuckwitNet" ?) and are colluding against us?

It's my turn to rant. Sorry this might be long.

It was two weeks ago yesterday that I was admitted to hospital with pneumonia...kept in 48 hours. Spent first week in bed. NSDH said he would look after DS (fair enough he IS his child after all). Also insisted on looking after me too. This was TBH a bit uncomfortable as the week before I had told him straight that our marriage was over. It was also unnecessary as friends and family had offered to take care of me. I was concerned that he might think looking after would 'change my mind' about our relationship being over...but I was so poorly the first week I didn't argue.

At the end of the first week he admitted he was having difficulty coping with DS and me and asked if my mum could come and help. She agreed to come next day and stay for as long as necessary.

My mum arrived a week ago today. She has helped out with what she can (she's 86!) and has been great company. She's been cooking for all of us and I've been ordering food deliveries.

I spoke to NSDH tonight to remind him that once mum leaves he will have to go back to buying his own food & doing his own cooking (which we had been doing for past 4 months of 'trial separation in same house') until one of us moved out.

He turned round looking astounded and said "so you still want us to split up then?" ummmm i said yes of course! Nothing has changed (apart from my lung). He then proceeded to tell me how unfair I was being to him, how I'd wasted his time by marrying him, how I only wanted to be with him so I could have a child....and so on and so on.

I didn't manage to detach this time (sorry girls I feel like I've let you down). I'm afraid I ran upstairs sobbing....

Mum (bless her) went to talk to NSDH and told him straight what he seems to refuse to believe from me. That it is over. He tried to win her round saying how much he's changed and how hard life has been for him and how sorry he is and how much he loves me and DS. She didn't buy it.

I went to talk to him later tonight. It's all about him. And how unfair I'm being. How it wasn't his fault he was horrible to me for two years, or that he neglected his family, or that he had a crush on another woman, or that he joined a no-strings sex website. How he will never think that splitting up is the right thing to do for DS. How I must give him (NSDH) time to accept that it is over and I mustn't rush him by making any decisions or taking any actions. How I have to realise how much stress he's under. How I mustn't talk about anything to do with moving out or separating because he finds it too upsetting.

I ended up leaving the room. I told him I'd had enough. I said that any time spent with him was increasing the pain in my heart. I told him I'll be leaving soon (with DS) and he will be getting a letter from my solicitor.

Of course I'm still ill so it may take a while for mw to sort all this out but at least I've said it...

Bloody hell I'm knackered now. Hope I don't have a relapse....

I was thinking the same bertie about them all kicking off this weekend.

I'm sorry yours is being a selfish fw. I hope you are still getting lots of rest.

bertie of course you cried! And what a brilliant Mum you have. Now get fully recovered, try to trust the universe [old hippy emoticon and hugs]

Hello all. bertie I think the amount of sport on at present may be a factor. I love it but it seems to have a less positive effect on some people? thank goodness de has taken hint and is keeping away. the sad thing is he thinks he can be sweet and I will forget.

re: imaginary picnics. I am often accused of making up / forgetting things I know definitely have or haven't. Luckily I have realised I m not mad.

NSDH has been telling mum how unreasonable I'm being by not wanting to be married to him anymore...

WTF? Who in their right mind would want to stay married to a verbally abusive, manipulative, narcissist?

Me, for the last 20 years or so. But then, actually, I possiby wasn't in my right mind!

A quick hello from me, as I'm stealing my parents' broadband for a while until I sort out my own, hopefully this week.

What an awful weekend some of you have had. Bloody FWs. Jan, I'm so sorry things have got to the point you had to leave, but I think you've done the right thing. He wasn't listening, when it was most important. I found the first days after I left were just horrendous, and for a good week or more after that, so don' eat yourself up even more if you're still struggling with things. It's a hellish time for you.

Bertie, hurrah for your mum! Glad she's there to help you in your recovery, and help you to stay strong and sort out NSDH. He's in a world of his own, truly.

Veeeee, hope you manage to stick to your guns once you're back home. You don't need someone in your life putting your DD down, you really don't. Youdon't deserve to be this miserable and upset.

My weekend was, for once, really good. Had the big stayover with NSDH and all the kids, everyone had a really good time. We stuck to our original plan that me & the boys would head off in the morning on the Sunday, to avoid me feeling strange or getting upset, like last week. Although, as ever, it was not without it's moments - I moved into the flat on Friday, and spent the evening in an argument on the phone with him. And he came to the flat on Saturday morning to see it with my DSDs, and he had a face like thunder the whole time, just barged from room to room without asking if he could look round, a real sniffy look on his face. But I can understand it's difficult for him to see me there, but I also know I shouldn't be making excuses for him, he's got more than enough to answer for already.

And my godmother's daughter got her DS back on Friday, got themselves a superhot lawyer and got the order overturned. If they hadn't, I think my faith in the system would have been severely shaken, she's a brill mum and he's an abusive twat.

Hi pony

Well NSDHs behaviour is very bizarre. It's like he hasn't heard anything I've said in past 6 months & hasn't read the two letters I've given him (but I know he has).

I gave him one letter in February saying he had to move out as I wanted to separate. Second one in March went i stupidly felt sorry for the twunt saying he could stay in house but we would live separately and to prepare himself for us splitting up permanently if it didn't work out.

Why is he acting so shocked? I couldn't have been any clearer!

Arrrgh

How have things been today jan?

Bertie it sounds to me like he's just trying to make you feel guilty and making it as difficult for you as poss. Try on focus on getting yourself better

pony great news about your godmother's DD getting her DS back! I hope they're doing ok. Glad to hear your move went ok.

I had a call from the Relate counsellor today - we have an app on the 20th. Unfortunately that's the one day a week I have DD at home so without a babysitter she'll have to go to nursery, more bloody expense . The counsellor sounded incredulous when I said we had nobody to babysit - "Not even family?" No, not even family. That's what I meant when I said we have no babysitter .

I've figured out that my weekend is always worse when its just us as a family unit at home. When I need him to pull his weight with DD/around the house etc. But it's hard to keep busy when no family and no friends available at weekends. And unfortunately we have another 'family unit' weekend looming this coming weekend. I think I may die