Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

try not to feel guilty newbeteacher, he is where he is because of the choices he's made, and the actions he's taken. The latter is a polite way of talking about the choking and hitting. He's lucky you haven't pressed charges really.

Can I just say, re the post Tue 17-Jul-12 22:25:40 - your parents absolutely rock ; )

Sorry newbe I've got you muddled up with unhappy, but it's still the result of his actions...

I need some drizzled, screw the !
Just sobbed my way through an hour of counselling, sobbed all the way home, dove straight in the bath before kids saw I was home to sob some more.
Just seeing our marriage reflected in the counsellors shocked face made things a lot clearer.
Sorry for the me post.

Here you are and a hug

It will all be fine! Be kind to yourself

and a hug from me, too.

some things are worth crying about!
Get it out there...that is so much better than the years of normalising and minimising what is going on.

And a hug from me too! I wonder from time to time whether I'd benefit from some counselling but I don't feel it's a pressing need right now.

I am having lots of those 'checking' moments too - mostly revolving around having time to myself and what I eat and so on. But then I also recently wore heels for the first time in nearly two years and with every stride I thought "fuck you, shortarse". He hated the fact I was a couple of inches taller than him.

I am also experiencing a lot of anger over things he did and said, directed partly at him for being such a cunt (pardon my language) and partly at me for putting up with it. To be fair to myself though, I thought it was all normal. But I do wish I'd had the courage to kick his arse to the far side of fuck the first time he behaved badly towards me, instead of minimising it and putting up with more torment than any decent human being deserves.

Finally I'm starting to wonder if I need to have a fresh start somewhere else. My work and his have close ties and his name crops up fairly frequently. I also bump into ex-colleagues who know him and who either don't know we've split and I have to tell them, or who know and offer me commiserations. I feel like moving to the other side of the country but I love it here :(

Hi all,
Not had as much time to access computers since I got here.
Not heard a dickie bird from FW.
The girls are with him, but will join me soon. :)
Things are ok-ish, but I still feel in such a limbo.
Work is going well. DD1 did well in her exams DD2 is having a fun summer.
But - what the F* do I do in September?
The fact that I have lived in another country for 30 years makes it very difficult to know where I belong. :(
Oh well - as Fool said, however up in the air everything is, everything is so much better without spaghetti for brains.
to everyone.
Forsale, sob away. The grief is qualitatively so different from the sheer day to day misery of living with an abusive FW

Kernowgal beating ourselves up because we did not kick the shit out of the respective FWs in our lives or anything else is strictly forbidden on this thread
It took me 30 years. :( I keep reading Lundy, so I don't walk around kicking myself - which make me look silly, anyway :)

TAGDay, and everyone else, thank you for your support. It was brilliant to wake up and read your posts. I am not the same person who posted about 'writing a book' but that sounds intriguing too.I am down under so if there is a gap in any replies thats why. I will let all know a little more about the project before I put it up on the website. I can say that I thought things would never get better, I believed it was the end for me and life was doomed to be sad. But it is has been an incredible journey and I am now emerging as the truest most authentic version of myself. Keep going ladies.Kia Kaha. Keep Strong.

No problem MisSunshine. It is hard to keep going sometimes, but it is so worth it.

Note to self: Get Lundy book asap in order to read good stuff that reminds me to stop kicking oneself for being so blind.

Much better today. Lovely to read posts from folk who have escaped the misery.

Again apologies for a ME post but I have a lot to process at the moment..

Spoke to FWH about counsellor, told him that she agrees with me that he is an alcoholic and he is being emotionally abusive, time to mind myself and the babies now and forget about him. If he "fixes" himself, great but I need to focus on protecting myself and the children.
He went off on a rant, how he has had to put up with so much from me for years, how I am mentally unbalanced, how dare I discuss him with a stranger blah blah yadda yadda. I said to him that the 3yr old asked me if Daddy was in work or the pub, and asked him if he would consider that acceptable or normal? He said it was my fault, as I was the one telling the child that Daddy was in the pub. So I should have told him that Daddy was at church, or off helping the poor and the aged?!

Now I need to plan my escape.
I have two options:

• move asap, request special unpaid leave from work for "family reasons" and use holidays etc to facilitate a move, would necessitate asking parents for funding and thus involving them in the gory details . Of course they would be involved but I would prefer not to have to ask them for money as it involves them in the decision making process too much IYKWIM.

• take redundancy in work (would have to wait until end October), then would have funding and time to move and settle kids etc. Then could look for a new job in the new year.

Anyone got any thoughts for me? Kids are 5 & 3, one in school, one in preschool, starting in early September. Won?t move far from existing base for now due to schools, local friends for support, access for FWH etc. If I kept my job it is reasonably secure and well paid with possible flexibility for force majeur style time off if necessary.

Am torn.

Forsale - Wondering if keeping your job would be the best idea? It would give you some stability and something else to focus on. I guess it depends how things are with your parents and if they would support your decision?

I don't get chance to keep up with this thread so i'm sorry i'm not supportive to anyone. I'm on my own with 2 young children and find it hard to manage everything with no help.
Really struggling today. I desperately need sleep, i'm getting ill now and can't function properly. My youngest is ill at the moment and has been awake for the majority of the last 3 nights, not that he ever sleeps that well. I phoned the idiot asking if he could have them both for a few hours but he was too busy running around after his ex wife. I wish it didn't bother me but it does :( I think they are getting back together now that we are not together. I'm so scared for my sons because between them they are completely hopeless parents. What if he remarries her and applies for custody of my sons? I'm not strong enough to fight this anymore. I just want a happy life with my boys but our life is shit and I can't see anyway out of it

My parents will support I'm sure, I just don't want to drag them in, they are getting on in years and not 100% healthy etc.
amito, sorry you're a having a bad day/ week. Do you have anyone else that could give you some help? A friend, relative? Could you go and stay with your parents for a few days?

ForSale Keep the job and ask your parents for funding.
Any port in a storm and all that. And this is a storm. You can always pay them back - but it will not be easy to find a new job.
On the other hand, I may be being too cynical, but | would be wary of telling work too much. Could you take as much leave as you are entitled too and tell them you are moving leaving out the bit about 'as far away from FW as possible'?

No I don't have anyone. My family are more abusive than my ex was. They tried to kill me as a child and have been harrassing me since I had children. I stayed with my ex for so long to be safe from them.

I had a few friends make supportive noises and half hearted offers to help with childcare etc when he first left a few months ago, but nothing since. I give up, nobody cares less.

Amito we care. Hugs to you. It can feel like that, and your situation sounds really hard, but believe me there are good people out there, many of them on here and you have lots of support and good wishes. Take care of yourself. xxx

hey amito time to make space in your life for some better people? They are out there you know.

much love

ForSale please keep the job. I have spent four years searching for work, the job market is pretty bad. I have finally found one but it was pretty soul destroying being rejected and coming up with nothing for such a long time! Asking for help from parents is no shame, you'd want your own dcs to do the same when adults Good luck.

Thanks, I have found better people but I haven't known them very long and I don't trust anyone anymore.
My ex was the first person I ever put my trust in and he broke in within a few months.
The bit i'm struggling with is how to get these not so nice people out of my life? i'm always going to have to see my sons father so he will always be able to do this to me.
Not had a very good evening. He came round and now i'm a wreck.
Thanks, sorry i'm not making any sense.

Perfect sad sense.....have a hug...it's rubbish isn't it?

It is a big pile of shit. Thank you for the hug.
It's pointless trying to explain yourself to someone who doesn't want to change their view of you isn't it? I'll always be to blame in their eyes because the only other alternative is they are to blame or wrong, god forbid. This wouldn't be so hard if they were not in a position to manipulate and brainwash my children.

^It's pointless trying to explain yourself to someone who doesn't want to change their view of you isn't it?^ absolutely

now you can try to get me to believe this as I am sitting here banging head on wall due to PILs who for some reason think they have the right to determine who the Dcs see and when???

One day we will surround ourselves with enough nice people that these losers will not affect our state of mind and well being!

Oh yes I had some of those too. They used to book to have his older children, without asking either parent or the children if they were free or wanted to go.
I was informed it was a generation thing, but feel it is far more likely to be an 'the world revolves around me' thing.
Don't give yourself a headache ;-) Are they old enough to make their own decisions?
If this rain here continues we could build an ark and send a whole load of abusive idiots off to start a new land somewhere, or maybe drown on the way. I really don't care if that isn't a nice thought either.

Goodness, that all sounds horrible. Practicalities after splitting are scaring me into staying for the time being - I just can't see how I could live by myself. Life is going on here in a rather tense way. H's DSis is here with her dcs, so things are pretty busy - I do the packing (moving date 8 days away now) and H does the cooking and washing because he likes these jobs when they're connected with guests although he'll rarely do them when guests are not here.

Since we have guests, I'm being treated better. Maybe also because my sil has been challenging him on his neglect of me and the dcs? I doubt this will have a lasting impact once they're gone.

Yesterday he made a real effort to compliment me. And this was the compliment: the tea I'd made was really "nicely presented." To him, this is high praise (in fact, he'd called me critical the other day because "noone complimented the meal I made yesterday" ). He has so little idea of who I am, though, that he doesn't realise this is not a meaningful compliment to receive. And I'm sure he's already rewritten history in his mind so that he did NOT say the day before that he doesn't join me and the dcs for tea often because it's usually so badly presented that he can't bring himself to. Or perhaps he remembers it, and is quietly pleased that I am showing signs of listening to him and turning myself into a more pleasing wife for him.