money-obsessed DH making me miserable

[Thankgodforcaffeine]

Before we had DD, we were both on fairly good money and never argued about finances. We would share bills equally, save a bit and spend the rest on meals out, holidays, etc. All was well.

I had saved up enough to cover my half of the bills during the unpaid part of mat leave, and we had agreed that I would go back part-time.

As planned, I now only earn roughly half of what I used to, but our joint incomes are still enough to cover all bills, childcare etc. There is just a lot less spare money for treats, but we were both fine with that. I am much happier playing with DD than buying an umpteenth pair of shoes.

We never really had to follow a strict budget before but we both agreed that we should start following one so we sat down and worked it out.

So far so good. Except that DH is now OBSESSED with the budget. If we ever have to buy something we hadn't planned for, he totally loses it and blames me for overspending. Even though once I have paid my contribution to the household expenses I only have about £30 left in my account for the month, so how I can overspend on a £30 budget I am not sure.

And by unexpected expenses I mean things like a £5 present for a child's birthday, or similar.

If I challenge him and tell him he is overreacting, he just makes sweeping statements along the lines of "one of us has to be responsible". The fact that I survived by myself before we got together is apparently irrelevant. The fact that I am never overdrawn and do not own a credit card is brushed aside. Basically he is talking shite.

Oh, and by the way we are hardly on the breadline: we have more in savings that I earn in a year.

I am getting sick of being talked to like he does, like I am somehow doing something wrong. He earns most of the money and uses it to control me.

Just today I mentioned on the way to the shop that we needed some bathroom cleaner, he snapped back "how much is THAT going to cost now", like I had suggested something frivolous. He has now stormed off home and left me to walk back home because of yet another money-based argument.

I don't know what to do, there is no reasoning with him. Every time I open my mouth it turns into an argument and I am tired of it.

I just want my old, caring, nice husband back. What can I do?

Sorry this turned out to be very long.

Has he accrued some debts you don't know of? Sounds odd.

Odd behaviour especially since you have so much in savings.

That sounds very weird.

Why are you left with so little money? Has your contribution to the general pot dropped in line with your income?

Poor you. That sounds very difficult. It sounds to me like he is stressed and that becoming fixated on your budget is his way of coping with that stressed. I only say this because I have similar things I do to try and cope in times of stress (I exercise a lot, and become rather fixated on the number of miles I am running) but at least my fixations don't really affect my DH as directly as this is affecting you.

Do you think he is depressed? It doesn't sound like it is really about money at all, but rather his anxiety levels.

I don't see why you have to live on £30 a week when you have a year's income in savings. To me that makes absolutely no sense.

He's using the budget as a stick to beat you with. If you have plenty of money, this only makes sense if there's something else he's genuinely feeling resentful/angry about and the budget is the 'canary in the mine' i.e. an early warning of something more serious. Women often only discover they are with an abusive partner once children arrive. Sad but true.

Keep challenging this behaviour and demanding that it stops. It's nasty, controlling and unecessary.

I dobt think its about the money at all. There is something going on with him and he is fixating on the budget as a coping mechanism.

That said, verbally abusing you has no excuse. And leaving you to walk home over bathroom cleaner?

Have you seen the savings account balance lately? Is he secretive with post? Does he stick to the budget or does he buy himself things?

There is definately something underlying here.

Thx all.

Yes I contribute a bit less than I used to.

nenufar I think you may be right and I have suggested as much to him but he refuses to hear it.

I have suggested counseling, either just for him or as a couple but he dismissed it as mumbo jumbo.

His temper had always been volatile but it is getting worse. He has never been violent, and I don't think he could become violent either, but he just has tantrums and storms off more and more often

Don't think he is running up debts, I think he is getting a kick out of saving money.

Is there such a think as a savings addiction?

Give me strength.
Are you saying he didn't also have to save so that someone (you) could look after your daughter when she was born i.e you were on maternity leave?
And does he contribute more to the household to compensate for the fact that you are doing unpaid work (child care for his daughter) at the expense of paid work ( ie the drop in hours you both agreed to)?

And despite the fact that you have a good cushion of savings he's causing fights about bathroom cleaner? And making you walk home?

What a selfish, controlling, greedy man. Financial abuse.

In what circumstances did you see his 'volatile' temper pre-baby? Some men - especially those liable to tantrums - can get very irrationally angry when babies arrive. If women stop or reduce work they're seen as not pulling their weight with the family finances. If the baby takes up too much of your time they are seen as a threat. If/when motherhood changes you they decide they want the old you back. Some of the reasoning is pretty bizarre and almost always comes back to a rather pathetic & selfish view of things. Not a thought for anyone else.

Oh dear tgat is a horrible way to live. Can you get him to sit down and tell you what is really going on? Is he feeling under pressure to provide now you are on less money?

X-posts. Don't get counselling with him. Getting some on your own would be a brilliant idea.

It doesn't sound like a compulsion. Does he also live on £30 a week and does he berate himself if he buys essential household items for a quid?

"Is there such a think as a savings addiction?"

Any behaviour can become obsessive. There's a story in the papers most years about some scruffy old bloke living in squalor but leaving £1m in his will. However, a rational man would recognise the obsession was causing problems at home and would do something about it. He clearly thinks everything is fine and doesn't care that he's treating you so badly. That's the problem here.

I've been here sorry to say OP. We too have a budget and my DH too is absolutely besotted with Excel spreadsheets.

try changing the budget headings? We have a "Contingencies" heading that we include every month to cover birthday presents, lightbulbs, parking fines, school trips, boring household crap etc. Anything that isn't easily classified under food, clothes, insurance, bills or mortgage, goes in there.

As for kicking off about bathroom cleaner and similar, a) ignore or if that doesn't work b) pass him the empty bottle of jif and ask him to clean the bathroom with it, he will hopefuly realise he's being an annoying .

cogito pre-DD he would have tantrums about football mostly.

I don't think he resents DD's arrival , he is a hands on dad and always puts her first

"I had saved up enough to cover my half of the bills during the unpaid part of mat leave"

That was your first clue that this guy was going to be financially abusive.

Why should you cover half of the bills when you are not earning?

That's crazy logic.

You need to check exactly how much is in savings account.

He may not resent your DD but he could easily resent that becoming a parent has caused any change or restriction, however minor, in your lifestyle.

Does he resent that you are no longer earning as much money? It feels as if he wants to punish you for the lower household income.

At best he could be completely stressed about it - dh & I were used to large salaries and had lots of disposable income, it does feel so comfortable to live like this and not to have to watch spending - Bliss - that has now changed and finances are very tight. It's so stressful but I've taken the decision that we can't just whine and we have to get on with living, as best we can.

I think he needs to grow up and accept that income levels are reduced (and spending has gone up as you now have a child) or he has to find a way to increase the household income. His current approach just to moan/get angry isn't effective and will lead to a miserable life for you and ultimately him.

I think you need to ask him what's actually making him angry (lack of money - tough, join the many, many families in the same boat!) and make him see his behaviour will not be tolerated.

I missed the part about you saving up to cover mat leave. It isn't a fucking holiday, why should you have to do that? Did he put money aside too?

Perhaps you should bill him for his 'half' of what your childcare bill would be each month if you worked full time. Does he pay half of the childcare, or does it all come out of your salary?

Have you posted about this before? 'I had saved up enough to cover my half of the bills during the unpaid part of mat leave' sounds familiar.

I made sure I could cover my half of the expenses during mat leave, so he could carry on putting extra money towards savings, which made sense at the time, as we didn't know how much we would need for DD.

As I said, money had never been the subject of arguments before, and it just made sense to me that we should save as much as we could while we could.

I just don't know how to get through to him and tell him it has gone too far. I am tired of having the same argument over and over

narked it wasn't me. Looks like I am not alone then :)