money-obsessed DH making me miserable

[Thankgodforcaffeine]

Before we had DD, we were both on fairly good money and never argued about finances. We would share bills equally, save a bit and spend the rest on meals out, holidays, etc. All was well.

I had saved up enough to cover my half of the bills during the unpaid part of mat leave, and we had agreed that I would go back part-time.

As planned, I now only earn roughly half of what I used to, but our joint incomes are still enough to cover all bills, childcare etc. There is just a lot less spare money for treats, but we were both fine with that. I am much happier playing with DD than buying an umpteenth pair of shoes.

We never really had to follow a strict budget before but we both agreed that we should start following one so we sat down and worked it out.

So far so good. Except that DH is now OBSESSED with the budget. If we ever have to buy something we hadn't planned for, he totally loses it and blames me for overspending. Even though once I have paid my contribution to the household expenses I only have about £30 left in my account for the month, so how I can overspend on a £30 budget I am not sure.

And by unexpected expenses I mean things like a £5 present for a child's birthday, or similar.

If I challenge him and tell him he is overreacting, he just makes sweeping statements along the lines of "one of us has to be responsible". The fact that I survived by myself before we got together is apparently irrelevant. The fact that I am never overdrawn and do not own a credit card is brushed aside. Basically he is talking shite.

Oh, and by the way we are hardly on the breadline: we have more in savings that I earn in a year.

I am getting sick of being talked to like he does, like I am somehow doing something wrong. He earns most of the money and uses it to control me.

Just today I mentioned on the way to the shop that we needed some bathroom cleaner, he snapped back "how much is THAT going to cost now", like I had suggested something frivolous. He has now stormed off home and left me to walk back home because of yet another money-based argument.

I don't know what to do, there is no reasoning with him. Every time I open my mouth it turns into an argument and I am tired of it.

I just want my old, caring, nice husband back. What can I do?

Sorry this turned out to be very long.

I don't get all this "my half/his half" business when you're married with a child. Why isn't it "family" income, out of which you (both) budget for a standard of living you both agree is reasonable and fair.

How about asking him to explain exactly how it is he feels you are being irresponsible with money. What does he propose is used (not necessarily by you, but either one of you) to clean the family bathroom. "If you had your way.." Insist on an example of where he gets that from.

I still find it weird that some women have to save up to fund their share of the finances for during their maternity leave. Before we had our dc we BOTH saved up for a few years to cover the time I would not be working.

For example, If you both decided that it would be good for your dh to take a few months off work for parental leave, would you expect him alone to save up for it in advance and have very little money for him to spend , even though you both as a couple would benefit from his decision ( ie no childcare costs and ds being looked after by dad)?

OP, sorry but if he thought anything of you he would listen to you when you raise an issue with him not shut you out and ignore you, and he certainly wouldn't be blaming you for everything.

I believe that he is out to chip away at you so that you eventually just go with the flow of what he says with regards to every aspect of your relationship, not just the financial part. If he keeps on getting at you then your self esteem will plummet even further until you can't stand up for yourself anymore. Then he will be in total control and this is what he wants .

Don't let him grind you down, you honestly shouldn't be with an arsehole like him !

Hows things this morning op ?

What happens if you need something OP - clothes, shoes, an occasional treat (book, coffee out,...)? Does that all have to come out of your £30?

What about things he wants or needs - bet he manages to get clothes etc for himself without any problems! How much "spending" money does he give himself per month?

As for the savings - if you don't get any say in how they are spent (or have to take lots of abuse before getting access to any of it) then they are not your savings, they are his savings. Which I guess wasn't exactly what you signed up for when you were saving up all your money to fund your maternity leave...

This sounds so depressing OP. Are the savings in both your names? Can you access the money if you want to?

This isn't a partnership is it, he doesn't listen to you or answer your queries. He just dismisses you out of hand for no reason.

You are going to have to call him on this in some way. You could involve parents, call a lawyer, consult a counsellor. He needs to be made aware of how seriously wrong his behaviour is. What he then chooses to do with the information is up to him.

MN is being a bit mental and jumping on the bandwagon of financial abuse.

There is such a thing as sole-provider pressure. The OP's DH is clearly experiencing it in spades, and yet the consensus is cries of 'Financial abuse'. Shortly about to be followed by 'Leave the bastard'.

He is feeling very insecure about the financial situation and bearing most of the financial responsibility. I don't blame him and I am sure that I would feel the same. If you stop to think about it for a nanosecond, the responsibility is enormous.

If I were you, OP, I would sit down and explain to him that his bearing most of the financial responsibility isn't going to be permanent, that you appreciate that things are tight financially and that having children has changed your lifestyles. I'd renegotiate the budget so that there is less saving and more flex so that you don't have to ask him for more money for things like bathroom cleaner. And I'd wait and see how it goes.

Are you paying half the bills or a percentage according to what you both earn? Leaving you with £30 per month (unless he is left with the same) is unfair and controlling.

Why is he feeling so insecure and why won't he happily talk to his wife about the finances?

Supposed sole provider pressure does not come into it in this case. There is a cushion of funds here and there is enough to cover childcare, bills etc.

How is this woman supposed to live on a £30 a month budget after paying her contribution to the living expenses?.

Why is he arguing over the cost of bathroom cleaner?.

From OPs initial post:-
"Just today I mentioned on the way to the shop that we needed some bathroom cleaner, he snapped back "how much is THAT going to cost now", like I had suggested something frivolous. He has now stormed off home and left me to walk back home because of yet another money-based argument".

He has become obsessed by saving money and this has spilled over far too much into this couples everyday lives. Its affecting their relationship because every time she tries to talk to him about money he shuts her down or he retreats into the living room.

What he is doing to OP is financial abuse. His obsession and overwhelming anxiety to save scrupulously is borne out of a need to control something, anything.

He resents you for not earning like you used to. He also does not seem to appreciate the massive contribution you are making in the form of childcare (since you work less than him)

I'm failing to see any positives here :(

Calculate childcare costs, cleaner, gardener, chef, all of it. All the things you do. Then present him with a bill for each month you've been doing it. Sometimes, the people who are fixated on money and use it for control can be swayed by seeing how much money their partner actually saves them from paying, and realise that what she does is actually worth a hell of a lot. You could even try demanding payment!

Hopefullyrecovering the lack of support in society for women who are going through this sort of thing (which is clearly reflected in your post) is why more awareness needs to be raised of this sort of thing. When i was growing up i had to listen to my mum complain that my dad kept her short of money. She had to go back to work in a chicken factory when i was 3 months old and the same with my DB.
Because of the vulnerability it can leave you open to and because of the dismissive attitudes towards people in this situation is one of the reasons i decided not to have children.

Hopefullyrecovering the lack of support in society for women who are going through this sort of thing (which is clearly reflected in your post) is why more awareness needs to be raised of this sort of thing. When i was growing up i had to listen to my mum complain that my dad kept her short of money. She had to go back to work in a chicken factory when i was 3 months old and the same with my DB.
Because of the vulnerability it can leave you open to and because of the dismissive attitudes towards people in this situation is one of the reasons i decided not to have children.

Supposed sole provider pressure does not come into it in this case. There is a cushion of funds here and there is enough to cover childcare, bills etc.

The cushion of funds that you are referring to, is, I suppose, either their savings or the fact that they are putting some income away to continue saving.

I do not think that savings should be spent unless there is a real need, or a one-off. Savings shouldn't be spent on routine expenditure. If you mean that the OP and her DH should not continue to save, I'm not sure that's wise. If you mean they should save less on an ongoing basis, then I tend to agree with you and in fact suggested that to the OP myself.

It seems clear that in this household, money is tight. They need to budget. They have both agreed this is necessary. If the money is not there, then I cannot see that the OP's DH is being unreasonable at all. It's not fair to badger for money when it's not there. And yes, a £5 birthday present is very little to ask for, but if the money's not there, it's not there. And if you fritter the savings away on £5 birthday presents, then (a) the savings are gone and cannot be used for a rainy day and (b) you have not adapted your spending to your lower income and are in for a rude awakening when the savings are finally spent.

I think it's unfair to abdicate financial responsbility and then have a go at the one who is left with taking it on. I actually think the OP is being unfair to her DH.

I agree with hopefullyrecovering about the savings.

We have savings, but we also have a monthly budget. If we spend the monthly money then we don't just dip into the savings - and we wouldn't use them for regular expenditure. They are our safety net, incase the roof needs fixing or DH loses his job and it takes him a while to find another one.

It isn't clear in the OP how much the DH has to spend on himself. If he has more than £30 then things are unequal and the balance needs to be redressed. If he also has £30 then the OP is being unfair.

I agree with hopefully about not dipping into savings to meet day to day expenses - and that £5 here and there on kids' presents can add up.

The bathroom cleaner is a different matter. That is a necessity, not a luxury. The OP does not deserve to be shouted at and left to walk home because she mentioned they needed new bathroom cleaner. If there is insufficient allowance in the budget for it (and they are still saving overall, so the money is available) then the budget needs to be adjusted.

From what the OP has written, there is no evidence at all that she has "abdicated financial responsbility".

I can understand both of you saving extra once you started planning to have a baby, to make up for the shortfall in the family income.

I cannot understand why you had to save up your wages so that you would continue to contribute financially exactly the same as when you were earning a lot more than you do now.

and the fact that you are not being paid to look after your joint child.

The whole premise of family life over the centuries is that one looks after the children while the other earns the money to buy the family stuff.
Why does your DH think that your family should be any different? Why are you required to bear the financial brunt as well as the physical brunt of bringing up children?
If you both had to cut hours to look after the children, then you should both be financially responsible. Your current job is to look after the child, his is to bring home the money.
It might sound helplessly old-fashioned, but that is the deal you have struck by being the primary care giver.

"Just today I mentioned on the way to the shop that we needed some bathroom cleaner, he snapped back "how much is THAT going to cost now"

So, do without the bathroom cleaner, leave the bathroom dirty. In fact leave the whole house dirty and like a tip until this spoilt BRAT wakes up to YOUR contribution to the household in terms of actually looking after it, while HE doubtless is spending "his share" in the pub with his mates?

I too wonder if he has a debt problem that he's hiding from you. If he's SO obsessed with you spending a quid or two on a bottle of cleaner, (for the house) then something isn't ringing true.

This needs to end NOW it will only get worse and worse. 30 years on from a similar situation, having paid more than my way for all of that time whilst encouraging XH's career even when it meant outgoings rather than incomings, I am now being accused of having been a parasite for all of that time.
Get your big boots on and stomp on his head, hard this out.

I don't want to alarm you, but are you absolutely sure that the savings are still there and/or that he hasn't lost his job or is about to be made redundant?

How are you today OP?