money-obsessed DH making me miserable

[Thankgodforcaffeine]

Before we had DD, we were both on fairly good money and never argued about finances. We would share bills equally, save a bit and spend the rest on meals out, holidays, etc. All was well.

I had saved up enough to cover my half of the bills during the unpaid part of mat leave, and we had agreed that I would go back part-time.

As planned, I now only earn roughly half of what I used to, but our joint incomes are still enough to cover all bills, childcare etc. There is just a lot less spare money for treats, but we were both fine with that. I am much happier playing with DD than buying an umpteenth pair of shoes.

We never really had to follow a strict budget before but we both agreed that we should start following one so we sat down and worked it out.

So far so good. Except that DH is now OBSESSED with the budget. If we ever have to buy something we hadn't planned for, he totally loses it and blames me for overspending. Even though once I have paid my contribution to the household expenses I only have about £30 left in my account for the month, so how I can overspend on a £30 budget I am not sure.

And by unexpected expenses I mean things like a £5 present for a child's birthday, or similar.

If I challenge him and tell him he is overreacting, he just makes sweeping statements along the lines of "one of us has to be responsible". The fact that I survived by myself before we got together is apparently irrelevant. The fact that I am never overdrawn and do not own a credit card is brushed aside. Basically he is talking shite.

Oh, and by the way we are hardly on the breadline: we have more in savings that I earn in a year.

I am getting sick of being talked to like he does, like I am somehow doing something wrong. He earns most of the money and uses it to control me.

Just today I mentioned on the way to the shop that we needed some bathroom cleaner, he snapped back "how much is THAT going to cost now", like I had suggested something frivolous. He has now stormed off home and left me to walk back home because of yet another money-based argument.

I don't know what to do, there is no reasoning with him. Every time I open my mouth it turns into an argument and I am tired of it.

I just want my old, caring, nice husband back. What can I do?

Sorry this turned out to be very long.

Is he worried about his job?
Does he have other worries going on such as his or a relatives'health?

Is he worried about his job?
Does he have other worries going on such as his or a relatives'health?

firat time a post of mine has ever gone out twice,no idea how I managed to do that!

Huffing off because the bathroom cleaner has run out is waaaay beyond normal behaviour if nothing else is going on. Poor you (literally and metaphorically). What is his disposable income every month? Has he cut his expenses on things he likes as well? Or is only interested in economising where it affects you?

I'm always shocked by the idea that, in a couple, the woman 'saves up' to take maternity leave and pay 'her share' IYSWIM. If you both worked full time you'd share the childcare costs wouldn't you?

You need a serious talk. There's responsible and there's controlling. There's sensible and there's unrealistic. You need to go through the all the finances together, check that everything is as it should be, confirm with him that there aren't any hidden debts/loand you don't know about and that he isn't eg worried he's about to lose his job. See if you can afford to live the way you are, and if so, if he'll back off about expenditure (increase that area of the budget)

If all that doesn't help I think it might be worth suggesting relationship counselling, because this isn't a happy or a good way to live.

If he is he isn't telling. I have asked in the past if anything else was the matter but he maintains that he just wants to make sure we are financially secure.

I just don't know what to do to get through to him. I don't want to involve friends or family as I only feel it would make things worse

You need to actually sit down with him, all the paperwork and a calculator an work through it.

I can't believe that there are women who have to save up their money to cover their share of the bills when they are on maternity leave. Is this what we are aiming for when we want equality with men?! When I was not working because I was looking after our dc's I was not expected to contribute financially as I was looking after the babies! If my dh had wanted me to contribute money then I would have worked while we both paid for a nanny/childminder.

It seems that you do need a rethink when it comes to savings. Is your dh worried about anything in the future that needs saving up for?

Ok but you're NOT financially secure are you? Because you can't even buy bathroom cleaner without him throwing a fit.

I don't see the point of worrying about money but having thousands saved up. Why make your life a misery JUST IN CASE xyz happens?

I don't know how to make someone like that see sense. My parents are exactly the same.

I guess it's a control issue - it's something he can control. But it's unfair as it's badly affecting you.

He has cut his own spending too. I know the savings are there because he keeps checking the balance online and I keep up with the statements.

He has recently turned down a stag weekend because he didn't want to spend the money even though he really fancied going.

But that's just it, he gets a kick out of how much we can save I think.

When it starts to interfere with your quality of life and cause arguments over bathroom cleaner it's gone too far. Redo the budget. And ask him what he's saving for.

I find it quite shocking that it was YOU who had to save up for maternity leave, how does that work , the kid is his too, right? Someone has to look after it, right? If it is not you or him, you'd have to pay for childcare, right?

Is childcare just going to come out of your money too?

Storming off because you want to buy bathroom cleaner is so bonkers, I don't know where to start.

He sounds very controlling (why do you need to go shopping together anyway?) and very odd, and even unpleasant.

The way you describe it, he is OTT and the one in the wrong.

Still shocked he made YOU save up for maternity leave, and that he thinks that si normal. never heard of that!!!

I don't think its really about the money on his part , its a way for him to control you.

Look up the signs of financial abuse. Don't put up with this or things will get far worse.

Could be what Jemma said,,or a fear, or an addiction
is he trying to find lots of other ways to cut down on spending,such as cutting down on heating,lighting,water usage etc etc,petrol costs.He is doing these things to himself as well,so he is controlling himself as well.
And is he constantly going on about the general state of the economy?
Also,did his parents struggle to make ends meet when he was growing up?
Sorry,more questions than answers.

Is he the father of your DD? If he is, he,s being an arse

Thankgodforcaffeine no you are certainly not alone. This is the fourth thread ive seen involving financial abuse in the last week alone. Im really beginning to think that mumsnet needs to create a seperate financial abuse board.
You had to save up so you could go on maternity leave. You didnt conceive this child by yourself FFS.
This is definately financial abuse.

What i meant was this is the fourth thread ive seen on financial abuse in the last week alone just on mumsnet!

You've heard now from everyone that this is financial abuse.

What's your plan, OP? You surely cannot go on living like this with a man who is using money to control and belittle you.

I do think it is possible to be 'addicted' to saving money (ie to save to an extent which is not rational), and I agree with posters who think your DH is using this as a control thing - maybe of himself as well as you. Many of us feel a lack of control after our DCs are born (because they are hard to predict and do not respond in a rational manner) and I think this is a way of him taking back control in a specific area of his life.

Have you tried discussing this in a calm way rather than mid-argument? I agree with the posters who suggest playing him at his own game and talking in terms of the budget. You could try starting with a nice neutral opener like "so we've had this budget in place for a few months now, do you think it's time to review our spending and see how we're getting on compared to our budget?" Then when the two of you are looking at it together, you could point out that you tend to go over-budget in certain areas because of some items you didn't think of when you initially planned it, and suggest adding an extra category for those.

You can't continue like this. If talking to him doesn't work, you must get him to go to counselling.

It never ceases to amaze me that some women have to EARN the right to take maternity leave. Was this discussed, does he resent you having time time from work, does he resent the fact that he is main wage earner? if he does he has no right because you are still paying towards everything.

Can the budget not be worked out so that after all the bills are paid, the savings are put aside, that both of you have the same amount of personal spending money?

There is such a thing as savings addiction. Many old people have it. They save all their lives for a rainy day that never comes an then die leaving shit loads of cash to their kids who then spend it :)

When a baby comes along someone does need to take control of the finances in my opinion but Jesus he is taking it to the extreme. My DW has a professional job, has been working 15 years and doesn't have one penny in savings. I think that is no good either. There should be a compromise somewhere.

Maybe I'm completely naive after reading the other posts, but to me he doesn't seem abusive but stressed. My friends DH really feels the pressure of being the sole earner when previously they had 2 v good incomes & is much more irritable & stressed than he used to be (& it's v much a joint decision & no financial abuse or anything).

I also don't see anything wrong with saving to cover your maternity leave. Myself & my DH both did this to cover mine (so surely that's sensible!).

iloveACK i get the impression that in this case the OP was the ONLY one who saved for the maternity leave.

Just came back after my (long) walk home. Told him I was tired of him trying to control me, and that he was OTT with the budget and the hold it has on our lives.

Once again he cast me as the irresponsible one, and said that he was right, and that if I had my way we would have no money. Once again I asked him to explain that, and once again he stormed off.

I chased after him saying stop storming off you are only doing it because you can't back up your accusations. He just didn't answer and shut himself up in the living room.

Leave him to his sulking. If he is refusing to talk about it, what can you do?

I'd be sorely tempted to go into the savings account and spend some money on some fucking expensive bathroom cleaner and spend the afternoon ostentatiously using the whole lot.