Can i convince DP to be circumcised...

[ockytockyonga]

I know this is a controversial subject, but just wanted some advice. I have name changed as this is so personal I want to protect DP.

DP's foreskin does not pull back at all, not even a bit. He should have had it fixed as a child, when it started giving him trouble, but I don't think his Mother wouldn't allow it.

He is very sensitive about it and doesn't like to discuss it. We have spoken before but he gets very defensive.

Basically, because of the way his Penis is he doesn't get stimulation from the normal backwards and forward motion. He prefers a very tight grip at the tip with sort of circular motions. Because of this it means he doesn't get much out of PIV sex. I am either too tight and it hurts, as it pulls his foreskin back. Or i am too wet and then the grip is not hard enough.

But also because of this there are other effects. His penis seems to store wee in the end, so it smells bad. I really don't like putting it in my mouth as it tastes so bad - I have gagged and almost vomited before.

The only sex he seems to get decent stimulation from is if I hold a flat vibrator firmly onto the end of his penis. Also he doesn't really like kissing or oral on me. So he will use a vibrator on me in return. I am starting to find our sex life really limited and unfulfilling. Although we both orgasm it is a bit clinical.

On a hygiene issue, the penis leaks wee onto his pants and trousers so i can often smell his groin. Also because the hole is on the side, his wee comes out at a 90 degree angle so is often all over the bathroom floor and sprays everywhere.

When I have asked him about circumcision he gets very distressed and says it's part of him and it is like him asking me to get a boob job. I don't think it is the same as that is purely cosmetic.

I love him so much but i really don't want this to be my sex life for the rest of my life. I just think he would enjoy sex so much more if he had a circumcision. Does anyone have any experience of this?

Okay, flame me for being dreadful...

To be honest ocky, from what you have described your dh is lucky you go near him

Have you never ended up with infections as the way you describe the smell and so forth, it doesn't sound like things are clean down there.

I think you do need to get very harsh. Ultimately if he won't do anything about it, I think you will come to resent him enough to cause real problems in the future.

My stbxh had something different. About four years into our marriage he started suffering from premature ejaculation. For three years I put up with the quickest of quickies trying never to make him feel bad about it. He would never go and see a gp. It was that which made me resent him, not the premature ejactulation. The fact that something could be done about it but he wouldn't go and see about it. Hard to feel loved when your opinion counts for so little isn't it? Best of luck.

I think for me reading the thread what stands out for me is him basically ignoring you/the problem/the risks/the solution etc.
The problem he has sounds unpleasant with regard to hygiene and obviously the sex that is limited but I'm just annoyed on your behalf with the refusal to do anything even though he knows he us causing you so much upset.
As for whether a letter might be better I'm not sure,but you know it might help you compose your thoughts and help articulate your feelings and make it clear to him you are serious about how he deals with it.
I think you need a clear time frame,sorry when is the baby due?,and make it clear that if he hasnt started on the road to sorting it them you will be ending the relationship.and I hate to even think about typing that but I think you have been more patient and understanding than anyone would say is necessary.
This man is meant to love you ocky and by not dealing with this he is showing you contempt,lack if respect,but certainly not love.
You don't deserve this,you really don't x

Confuddled you are misquoting me in your post when you said:
"someone said they always retract their son's penis"

I didn't say I physically retracted my son's penis. What I actually said was:

I check my son's penis discreetly in the bath, ensuring he can pull the foreskin back fully, and clean himself thoroughly.

This issue with my ex affected me so badly (the worry and fear and unpleasantness the op is going through is awful) that I checked with my doctor as to the appropriate age a boys foreskin should retract. I was told the average was 5 years but could be later. The doctor said my DS should try himself in the bath as far as it would comfortably go, and gave me instructions on keeping it clean etc. Also said that if it wasn't retracting you could insert a cotton bud into some clean water and circle the glans gently inside the foreskin, being mindful not to apply pressure.

I did this bathtime check with him twice this year, at the age of 7 - he did it to ensure he was comfortable and then I gave him the GP's advice on cleaning and keeping healthy - I'm not dragging back my son's foreskin at every bathtime!

Ocky does that mean the doctors appointment is off now?

I am getting angry for you hun. Hope you aren't getting too stressed, with the impending birth. Can you get some time on your own - a few nights with a friend to clear your head and think things through.

This thread is helpful, but you are "on topic" so to speak and I'm sure if your DH is like my DH he'll now just start switching to white noise as soon as you bring it up.

You are right about the fantasies though -why the hell should you accommodate it anymore?! On a more personal note - could you get a more realistic, life like sex toy for yourself, for some private time?

Thanks all, it really helps. I haven't got many friends and none i could share this with.

I think in retrospect i have made the mistake of assuming that he will pick up on hints and make changes, just like i would. I have over estimated his perception and empathy. I know for example if this was me the very first hint i got that something wasn't right i would have had it seen to and the moment i thought it would affect our sex life it would have been sorted.

But as i said upthread he is quite aspergers-y with a lot of traits. He really doesn't 'read' situations and facial expressions etc the same as others. I don't know why, despite, knowing this, i have continued to tread so carefully. I know he hates being told things bluntly, as to him they appear out of the blue even though he has been missing the massive signals and warnings. And then feels ambushed. I know that when i bring this up again tonight he will either act like he has no idea what i'm talking about (as it's been fine up to now) or accuse me of bullying. There is no happy medium.

It has also got to the point where i am bored of it. I just want to shout in his face, 'grow up, sort your cock out, go down on me more and stop being so selfish or i am leaving, you have 2 months'.

The baby is due in 2 weeks.

To the poster who suggested about maybe he doesn't like oral because he doesn't think he is doing it right, that is not it. He has done it occasionally and i have orgasmed. The problem is he is squeamish and doesn't like using his mouth for much, not keen on kissing with tongues etc. He doesn't like gooeyness or icky mess. Really has a thing for being touched with anything wet etc. He doesn't really appear to like the 'feel' of me full stop. He likes the toys as he can keep a distance i think.

Hello OP, I haven't read the whole thread - but just a thought, if the doctors at your surgery are unlikely to be helpful - could he go to a sexual health clinic instead who are more specialised in this area. They don't just deal with STI's I'm sure. They will be more experienced at helping people with genital problems and more likely to take it seriously? :)

Sounds like your DP has a medical condition- phymosis and circumcision would be indicated /appropriate! Get him to see his GP for a professional opinion. In fact it should have been address when he was growing up and not left so late. I don't blame him for not wanting to go for surgery though... I'd imagine circumcision is quite a painful procedure.....

You have the patience of Job! I'd have left this chap after the first encounter. He has a serious health problem and needs to look after it. You can't do that for him.

I just want to shout in his face, 'grow up, sort your cock out, go down on me more and stop being so selfish or i am leaving, you have 2 months' This is it in a nutshell.

OP you have tried everything else. What would happen if you did say this but calmly. Possibly keep repeating it like the broken record technique? I know you fear the history with your ex repeating itself but you do not need to be finding the energy for dealing with his penis when you have a new born.

Twas moi who said maybe he thinks he's not good at oral. So that's ruled out then.
From what you wrote on the end of your last post Ocky - maybe here lies another part of the problem.

he is squeamish and doesn't like using his mouth for much, not keen on kissing with tongues etc. He doesn't like gooeyness or icky mess. Really has a thing for being touched with anything wet etc. He doesn't really appear to like the 'feel' of me full stop. He likes the toys as he can keep a distance i think.

He know's if he gets his cock sorted then it's a green light for more sex, no more excuses. Maybe this frightens him. To be honest he doesn't sound emotionally mature enough, sorry.xxx

MyinnergoddessisatLidl, you didn't say you do it twice a year so when you said you do it in the bath it sounds like you meant everytime. Some boys don't retract until puberty and it shouldn't be an issue until then, most boys will play with themselves and it'll happen naturally eventually.

I do get why it would affect you, my ex was the same so I know exactly what the smell and everything is like, if it wasn't for the problems in my husbands family (some of them are born without any opening) I would probably have been the same with any son I had. I also spend a lot of time online with Americans so I've read far more than I ever would have and as many aren't used to intact men caring for one is always a big issue.

I wasn't meaning anything by it.

Ocky - it really does sound like it's all about him. He seems to be happy with the status quo and doesn't seem particularly interested in what you want.

Not sure what else you can do apart from tell him what you really want to shout at him.

No worries Confuddled, I also want to assure you that I have bathed my son more than twice this year!

I was just told it's easier in the bath, warm water etc and wanting to bring it up casually as a subject of personal hygiene (and not a way of calming my dread!). And it's the only time I see my son's parts of course!

Do you know for women, this would be such a procedural non-issue. Like stitches after childbirth. Is he excited about the baby "Ocky"? Does he realise what you are putting your body through for this relationship.

I'm banging my head in sympathy with you today.

I do take a portion of the blame. I have been way too passive and let him continue thinking it's fine. I have mentioned a few things but not wanted to hurt him as he is quite fragile (had a very odd upbringing - verging on abuse). But i think he has also learned unhealthy coping strategies from that upbringing which i have indulged. ie denial, self absorption, getting disproportionately upset so someone stops and calling bully on anyone who disagrees with him.

I have decided to write a letter. Then he can't go back and say i didn't say what i did or he didn't understand me (which he does, we have had massive chats about stuff and agreed on actions to take then ho doesn't do it and denies we ever agreed to anything).

dondon i think you are right, due to his upbringing he has learned to be alone, that is his defense to pain or anything challenging. It has taken him a long time to really let himself love and be loved, and that brings vulnerability. His father is the same, alienating everyone rather than face hurt in the long term.

i think DP would hate to go back to that life now though. He has seen how nice a life can be shared with someone who loves you. It is just making him realise there is a price to pay for that life too, you can't have both.

myinner he is very excited about the baby. All he has ever wanted is a family of his own. People who don't withdraw and punish him for imagined transgressions.

He wants to look after us and protect us. He rubs oil onto my belly every day talking to the baby.

I don't want to threaten to leave him and take everything he has, but it is my only bargaining tool. I don't want him to resent me for getting him in a vulnerable place and then using it to force him to do something against his will.

It is such a tough balance. I feel as though i am on a moral and emotional tightrope.

ocky you say DH has private healthcare? In which case you can self refer to a urologist privately without needing the GP appointment.

Can you make the point to DH that seeing a urologist doesn't mean he has to do anything, it will simply be a consultation in which the doctor will take a look and lay out the treatment options (one of which would be do nothing). When it comes to penises, urologists have seen it all, every day, and they are well versed in dealing with men with hang ups (because they've had a lifetime of something a bit different to the norm). There's nothing to fear, and it need only be fact-finding.

Had a quick look on NHS website at sexual health and the bit on how to look after your penis gives some very objective but frank information on what happens if you don't clean under your foreskin... the word smegma was used and it describes the smell and how off putting it is for partners and the health risks of it.

Since he sees it as equivalent to him asking you to get boob job, and won't do unnecessary surgery - would something from a trusted source like NHS and with very plain information show him it isn't just you being precious?

i couldn't make the app without his consent and i do not know his medical account number. I also mentioned it to DP and he seemed reluctant as i don't think he wants work knowing. :(

jenner i have already shown him that and it hasn't swayed him. He completely understands me not wanting to put it in my mouth (he has said he wouldn't either) and is happy to use condoms for sex.

Work won't know what he's using the private health for.

I've got private health nobody gets the details of what I went for, you get an option to tick that all reports be sent thro you if requested by work.
Which has never happened as nobody cares as long as I go to work!

Oh dear. :(

He is just so used to living with it and has no idea how much better life can be when your penis isn't a problem has he. Such a shame. Is there any support for people with those sorts of problems? I mean anywhere you could go to put him in touch with someone else who had the problem and got it sorted and could tell him what a difference it would make - not just to you but to him personally?

Don't blame yourself for what you call passive Ocky, You've maybe been gentle as to not hurt his feelings but that's normal - you love him and don't want to hurt him.
He may have had to learn to be alone and learn how to do the relationship stuff lets be honest it's not always easy even in the easiest of relationships but the point is he IS in a relationship and should have learned by now that you take the other half's feelings, opinions, needs and wants into consideration, there is no I in WE.
Personally, I think you've been vastly accommodating towards him, he needs to realise that what you're saying to him is not an attack, the number one priority is for his health, then for your sexual relationship. You're saying these things because you care, because you want to stay with him.
Keep talking to him, you've made it clear what you are and not willing to accept, so keep on with the health side side of things.
Also, maybe just maybe when he sees you give birth to his baby and witnesses what you have to go through, it might kick him into action iykwim, like a "OMG, if she can do that then I can find my balls and get myself sorted"

i hope so dondon i just think he will see no connection whatsoever and will just think 'few thank god that's not me'. He keeps telling me how brave i am.

It does sound like the letter idea is a good one. The reasons you want this are many indeed, it is for him, for you and for both of you! He must see that it isn't for superficial reasons like a boob job is. If he could at least talk to the right person who would explain the benefits of the procedure properly, that would be a start. He could agree to look into it, without agreeing to go ahead - yet.

I think you should write the letter,then leave it with him.I think you need to leave any more discussion about it and prepare yourself for the birth of your baby.you should be relaxing now and enjoying this time as a family.
If he knows you are serious then he should be sorting it out and not giving you any additional stress at this time.
Please stop thinking about making appointments etc,this needs to he your time now!
Looking forward to hearing about the new baby when it arrives!!
Good luck and really please let your husband get on with it now while you wind down and think about you and the beautiful baby that's coming xx

The letter sounds like a good idea. There's no way work would find out what he's using the healthcare for, that would be a breach of patient confidentiality!