Can i convince DP to be circumcised...

[ockytockyonga]

I know this is a controversial subject, but just wanted some advice. I have name changed as this is so personal I want to protect DP.

DP's foreskin does not pull back at all, not even a bit. He should have had it fixed as a child, when it started giving him trouble, but I don't think his Mother wouldn't allow it.

He is very sensitive about it and doesn't like to discuss it. We have spoken before but he gets very defensive.

Basically, because of the way his Penis is he doesn't get stimulation from the normal backwards and forward motion. He prefers a very tight grip at the tip with sort of circular motions. Because of this it means he doesn't get much out of PIV sex. I am either too tight and it hurts, as it pulls his foreskin back. Or i am too wet and then the grip is not hard enough.

But also because of this there are other effects. His penis seems to store wee in the end, so it smells bad. I really don't like putting it in my mouth as it tastes so bad - I have gagged and almost vomited before.

The only sex he seems to get decent stimulation from is if I hold a flat vibrator firmly onto the end of his penis. Also he doesn't really like kissing or oral on me. So he will use a vibrator on me in return. I am starting to find our sex life really limited and unfulfilling. Although we both orgasm it is a bit clinical.

On a hygiene issue, the penis leaks wee onto his pants and trousers so i can often smell his groin. Also because the hole is on the side, his wee comes out at a 90 degree angle so is often all over the bathroom floor and sprays everywhere.

When I have asked him about circumcision he gets very distressed and says it's part of him and it is like him asking me to get a boob job. I don't think it is the same as that is purely cosmetic.

I love him so much but i really don't want this to be my sex life for the rest of my life. I just think he would enjoy sex so much more if he had a circumcision. Does anyone have any experience of this?

Okay, flame me for being dreadful...

I realise that this would not normally be the sort of thing that you could request a GP home visit for, but I think you are in a very far from normal situation. Could you speak to your GP yourself- maybe sneak a photo whilst he is asleep- and ask if the GP would come to speak to him at your home?

Sorry to be so ruthless, but - you are not married? You say, DP. And you are not employed? And you are dependent on him for ££££, which he has more of than you? And you are about to have a child together (which makes you MORE dependent)?

Errmmm - I thought you should start thinking less of him, and more of you. Really.

From someone who realises how much dependency has stuffed up her life. Sorry to sound to harsh, but you have no legal contract protecting you from someone who doesn't incorporate you and your feelings in his life.

Thank you everyone.

I have seen the doctor and described it. The Dr couldn't believe i managed to get pregnant! The urethral opening is NOT on the side. I'm sorry if i gave that impression. His wee comes out of the side due to the skin pulled over and puckered to the side (looks like the knot on a balloon-ish).

The doctor said he would happily refer him to a urologist. DP has private thru work so it should be quite straight forward.

Anyway, i have sent him links to info and said we will discuss again Sunday night. I have said this isn't going away. I also think as the baby is inbound it is the perfect 'thinking' time for him. As we wont be being sexual anyway, it will give him a taster of what he could lose iyswim.

Abit i do appreciate your concern, but i am fine really. I do have some money now as the sale of my flat has come thru so i have that put in an account for emergencies. I would not stay where things aren't working. I have already left one husband over sexual issues and will not be unhappy for the rest of my life over this. I have given myself a time frame and will make my decisions accordingly. I just know he wont let it get to that, but it's the grind of getting to the inevitable that gets me down sometimes.

He always comes round to do the right thing but change with him is such a long process (i love change so embrace it).

As for 'how can you be cuddly and intimate'? Of course we can, we cuddle in bed, we stroke each others backs, he rubs bio oil on my bump and boobs everyday while telling me and the baby silly stories. All the normal things. He doesn't 'smell of stale urine' all the time, he showers and changes undies twice a day. But he can do if he lets it slide. But he doesn't much and i haven't 'smelled' it for a couple of months now.

Morning Ocky.

Just wanted to say that I wasn't attacking your relationship, with my last post. I understand you have intimacy and you sound like you love your husband very deeply and you also come across as a decent caring person.

You have the patience to try and make this work, where I sadly did not. Although as I said, his failure to ejacualte/orgasm led him down an alternative path of sexuality that I just couldn't follow.

My comments were mainly to spur you on, you deserve a "normal" intimate relationship and by leaving it this long he has normalised things in his brain that are unacceptable to those looking in, and it's unfair to expect you to normalise them too.

Especially when it could all be sorted in a 30 minute procedure!

I hope you manage to sort it. I know how worried you will be about his health too. I feel furious on your behalf with his parents, to not tackle this during childhood when he could have been in pain, prone to infection, or teased at school seems tantamount to child abuse to me. How could they have ignored it!

And I just wanted to say good luck with the baby. You have lots to think about at the moment, and need to concentrate on yourself too!

Really feel for you OP, sounds awful and frustrating.

It sounds like you're trying your absolute best to help him to sort out any current and potential health problems and of course your sex life.

Personally, I will hold my hands up and say I couldn't be in a relationship without sex or with the level of intimate contact that you are currently having.
I'm not saying I would automatically leave my DP if god forbid something happened like an accident or he had some short term problem with erection, mood etc... but if he refused to deal with a problem that was a risk to both our health and dug his head in sand refusing to believe that things would be be better after treatment, then I'm afraid I would be thinking about leaving him. :(

You have presented him with facts, offered your support on a practical level and emotionally but he is refusing to believe you and effectively showing you that your needs and concerns are not important to him.
I understand that he's probably terrified about having a circumcision, which man wouldn't be, but the point is it's for his health and his relationship. If he does eventually get sorted he may well wish kick himself why he didn't get it done many years ago.
I imagine it's bloody sore afterwards for a week or two but imo its a small price to pay compared to infections or worse he can have if he doesn't sort it.

You say you're pregnant now so the sex pressure will be off for a little while, especially when the little one arrives. Use this time to work on him, I think it's great you spoke to GP about the appointment but there's only so much you can do, you can't physically force him to go there (which is a shame)

Out of curiosity, if you both decided that you had enough DC one day and you couldn't be sterilised due to health risks, would he volunteer or accept having a vasectomy? Just wondering if he is afraid of the prodding and poking in his nether regions or just pig headed regarding this situation as he really blindly thinks there's nothing wrong.

Good look with your baby and good luck with Dp xxx

TBH- if I was about to go through labour with OUR baby- I would not be feeling half as patient as you about a tiny op on his penis!

That's the weird thing dondon he has already said he will happily have a vasectomy, so it isn't the prodding or embarrassment. it appears he feels this is a part of him and i am only interested in it for vanity/aesthetic reasons. As i said he just can't see the difference between this and him demanding i have a boob job.

He thinks we have a fantastic sex life. And tbf we have had more PIV recently. But it isn't doing much for me, as i worry about his penis, and it doesn't sensationally do as much for him as more firm and direct stimulation. So we just do it for the closeness really. But he thinks i am really enjoying it. Which is why i wonder how blunt i can be about this without devastating his pride.

During an honest talk I told my exH i was faking orgasms during penetration and he never got an erection again. We had to go to sex therapy. And our sex life basically died. I don't want to make him feel as tho i have been lying for the last 3 years.

And mardy i totally hear you but the race to the bottom argument does not work. He has said 'so you want me to be in pain just because you will?' etc and just because i have to suffer, it doesn't mean he does too, as some kind of unnecessary sacrificial punishment.

The crux for him is that this is totally unnecessary.

Oh Ocky :( seems he has an answer ready for every question/request/explanation that you throw at him.
So it definitely doesn't sound like he has a problem with the poking around down there/embarrassment part. That said, I have a feeling circumcision will be more painful than vasectomy I've been present during a vas and exh was fine no pain

I don't agree it's the same as a boob job in this case - I'll probably be shot down in flames for saying this but say if he was a boobs man and after a few DC sucking the life out of your boobs and they ended up, well you know how they end up. If DP came to you honestly and gently and said he missed your boobs and they turned him off now, then I could POSSIBLY see the point of considering it.
Surely deep down he knows why you are trying to get him to help himself and that his sex life will dramatically improve as a added bonus. With what you've described about him/the situation, I refuse to believe he's "happy" with things the way they are :(

I feel you need to continue about seeing the specialist, more so for any health risks involved and also speak to him again... gently, calmly, heart to heart et c... (I'm sure you already have) and explain to him that the sex side of things IS an issue for you, you want so much to enjoy a full sexual relationship with him and that the vibrator is just not enough anymore (don't beat yourself up for this, you're entitled to want more) Resentment will kick in at some point (maybe you hear your girl friends speak about fab sex lives or something similar and it could eat away at you) so I think you need to be brutally honest, while still in a relaxed way so it doesn't come across as an attack, that you want this sorting out or in the future it could break you, and also the fact that he won't give you oral when you like it is quite selfish if he's not/can't satisfy you through penetrative sex.

he'll kill me for saying this :) but my dp wasn't a big fan of giving oral, when I got to the bottom of why it was, he explained he hadn't done it to many women and thought he was crap at it....it wasn't until he gave me an orgasm doing it (his first) that he actually believed "he could do it" and now he will volunteer his services quite regularly :)

Although you say he can have PIV sex, I can imagine for you it's a nervous situation, like you said yourself- too wet or too dry can hurt him or lose the feeling and of course, you have no control over that.
Don't really know what else to say Ocky, good luck with it, I really hope you get something sorted. xxx

Ocky - You mentioned earlier about letting the genie out of the bottle by saying that the sex you have isnt as great as he thinks.

Have you talked as a couple about the changes that having children bring? This includes to your sex life. Things dont go back to normal when you have children, they go forward to a new normal.

We are 17 years on from being at the stage you are. Once you have a family your sex life isnt the same. In my experience (which I dont think is unusual):

• snatching a quickie while the baby sleeps
• sex on the sofa while a toddler sleeps in your bed
• late night quiet sex while your early rising child is asleep
• early morning quiet sex while your teenager sleeps in

When you have a child everything changes. You need to be able to be spontaneous and be open to change to keep the closeness of a good sex life alive. From your OP its sounds as though spontaneity isnt possible.

Would discussing this as a 'couple' thing rather than a 'his issue' thing help?

Use his analogy against him. You have K cup boobs. You can't stand up straight, walk for long, get bad back pain, can't do normal chores properly, can't clean yourself properly and you sweat a lot so your boobs constantly smell... Would he want you to have a boob job and be comfortable, even if you thought that you were used to it and it was fine, or would he ignore it?

Can I just point out, someone said they always retract their son's penis, this is a bad idea. I understand your concern (I was with someone exactly the same way) but it should only be done by the owner of said penis. It's normal for boys to not be able to retract their penis until puberty, it's not a problem like it is with an adult because the foreskin is fused to the glans like a fingernail to a finger, so there's not the issue with the build up of urine and smegma. Just encourage him to keep it clean (like a finger and the motto "only clean what is seen") and he'll retract it himself as he gets older and plays with it, when he's old enough to understand make it part of your healthy sex talks.

Gnome, maybe you have the wrong thread? The OP is clear that the sex has always been shit. This relates to physical problems with her DH's penis, and his refusal to understand that this is an issue. Nothing to do with having DC.

Hi All

been away for a couple of days so just caught up. Thank you for the advice. I have spoken to DP more about it and altho he has read all the stuff i have sent him he says the stats are still very low for penis cancer.

However, (this sounds awful) not sure if it is because the seed has been planted in his mind, or whether there really is a penis god! But, under the foreskin has started itching him. All day today he has been scratching. This of course has given me an opportunity to labour the infection and hygiene point. He has asked me to make an app at the docs!!

I see what gnome is saying helenina , that the angle of 'changing' our sex life due to the baby could be a more sensitive way to address this rather than the harsh 'sex has always been shite for the last 3 years' approach.

He is snoozing now and when he wakes i am going to say the sex holiday that we are about to have, due to the baby, is an opportunity for us to review and decide what kind of sex life we want to resume with.

I am going to say we have got stuck in a rut and too reliant on the 'toy' usage. I am going to say after we resume our sex life, i want his penis to be sorted out so i can go down on him (something i do miss) and so we can enjoy PIV more as it is not satisfying to me atm. I am also going to say he needs to make an effort with oral on me too, and that it is not fair for him to not do it (particularly as he has other fantasies which i happily indulge - therefore why should he have his fantasies satisfied when i don't. So I will say that unless more effort gets put in for me, then the effort i put in for him will cease).

I already have said today that he should have his penis sorted as it is grim for me the way it is. And he said whatever he chooses will be 100% his decision and I said yes but then it will 100% my decision not to touch it again and leave.

So fingers crossed. I will now try to get a docs app asap, but unfortunately there is usually 3 weeks wait :(

Thanks again all and please send itchy willy vibes this way :)

Yes Ocky, that was what I was trying to get at. When the baby comes you will discover that 'quiet' is a key word. Not just at the baby stage but also all the way through. Being reliant on sex toys, a limited range of positions etc is not necesaarily going to work once you have another person in the house.

Perhaps that is something to include in your 'where are we going next' conversation.

The arrival of a baby is a real chance to start over.

Good luck with the conversation and also with the doctors appointment. Surely you can say this justifies an emergency appointment if he seems to have an infection?

Well gnome the docs is an issue because they are on the whole stupendously rubbish and almost every doctor i have seen there does the bare minimum and seems to be about 100 or a muslim women (neither will make DP want to get his old chap out). One doctor is a young male similar age to DP. This is the doctor i saw to speak about DP's problem, so this is the one i would like DP to see if possible. If the others don't know the issue and just give DP antibiotics/cream then i am back to square one.

this is not a cosmetic thing at all - its hygenic and surely he would hope for a better sex like,my dh is circumsised (muslim) they are so clean
i think the smell your getting is the smegma (natural secretions for the glands) that is caught under the foreskin -did you see embarrassing bodies the other night a guy called sam on there had it ,the stuff they found under his foreskin made me gag
here's a link maybe get him to watch it
www.channel4.com/programmes/embarrassing-bodies/4od#3389862

In general it's not a hygiene issue, hygiene is a hygiene issue. I've met circumcised men who were not clean because they weren't. But Ocky, in your DP's case this is certainly a health issue! It's only really a hygiene issues because it's getting in the way of adequate hygiene, just like my big boobs analogy.

The Embarrasing Bodies episode might be good for him to watch.

He wont watch it and wont look at pics of phimosis or penises either. He says he knows he is different so doesn't need to see. He is very squeamish.

you watch it then you can tell him what its like

i have. He wont hear it. I have just tried to speak to him and he wont talk :(

I have said we need to talk tomorrow. I love him so much i can't bear this.

its so sad ,at the end of the day its his body and you cant force him into it.
if it were me then i may have to consider breaking up - what you have is not a great sex life ,if you can imagine things staying the same for the rest of your life then drop it if not then you may have to re think .
best of luck x

I don't know whether to say great that he has an itch poor sod but it's kicking his arse to go to the GP, so that's a good thing Ocky.

Demand to see the GP you want even if it means waiting (hopefully this itch doesn't turn into a full blown infection in the meantime.

He is right it is 100% his decision about what he has done but he shouldn't base that decision on fear and ignorance, especially not with the health risks involved.
I don't see what you're saying as ultimatums, you're telling him how you feel and what you could feel in the future and that could mean leaving him. It's his call now.

As for the comment about circumcised meaning clean, it's not medically proven to be any cleaner than having a foreskin. It's the owner of the penis in control of the hygiene.

Hope all goes well Ocky, both with DP and the baby xxx

Apologies Gnome, I hadn't realised that you were suggesting OP use this as a tactful way of talking to her DH.

Ocky there is a penis God, who knew?

Apparently the itch has stopped today, so everything's alright . I feel as tho i am banging my head against a brick wall.

I tried to speak to him last night about how our sex life would change and that this was a good opportunity to give it a bit of an MOT. I said things had stagnated a bit and i wanted to talk about some things i would like to change. He said it sounded as if i just had a list of complaints and that he didn't want to hear them.

I said he doesn't get to decide what i say/feel and that while i understood he wasn't in the mood to talk last night this would be discussed tonight. I also pointed out that he talks about his sexual fantasies with me, and has no qualms asking for quite out there things, so it is hardly fair he gets his needs met and i don't. He quietly nodded in agreement and i left the room.

I will speak to him tonight but i am not hopeful. it is so frustrating and depressing. I think i am going to have to get more brutal. :(

I am going to make a dr's app today and insist he go to it.

ockyI haven't got any great advice unfortunately but having read this and just saw your update this morning I really think you need to start putting things into place to support yourself.
I realise you love your husband and you want to help but seriously if he loves you then he would get thus sorted wouldn't he?I get that he's squeamish etc but you have spoke about potential health risks,there is the unpleasant hygiene aspect,the limited and unfulfilling sex life and the repeated refusal to actually grow up and sort it.I feel for you,you sound lovely,patient caring and supportive and dealing with this while pregnant as well!
He should be sorting this problem himself and not putting you through this shit,he knows it hurts you but won't do anything?I think you have been exceptionally understanding but there comes a time when you need to think of you,and it sounds like it's now.

Thanks Bay. Tbh i am starting to get really angry now. I am angry at how patient and understanding i have been and that he has just taken that as a green light to ignore me.

I do love him very much but this is a side of him which is totally unbearable and just like his awful father. MIL pussy foots around him and i just can't stand it. I also can't cope with the thought that he could become more like PIL if i don't put my foot down now.

As he wont listen, do you think a letter might be better? He gets very defensive and hates confrontation so i'm not sure whether this might be a better way of being more direct.