Can i convince DP to be circumcised...

[ockytockyonga]

I know this is a controversial subject, but just wanted some advice. I have name changed as this is so personal I want to protect DP.

DP's foreskin does not pull back at all, not even a bit. He should have had it fixed as a child, when it started giving him trouble, but I don't think his Mother wouldn't allow it.

He is very sensitive about it and doesn't like to discuss it. We have spoken before but he gets very defensive.

Basically, because of the way his Penis is he doesn't get stimulation from the normal backwards and forward motion. He prefers a very tight grip at the tip with sort of circular motions. Because of this it means he doesn't get much out of PIV sex. I am either too tight and it hurts, as it pulls his foreskin back. Or i am too wet and then the grip is not hard enough.

But also because of this there are other effects. His penis seems to store wee in the end, so it smells bad. I really don't like putting it in my mouth as it tastes so bad - I have gagged and almost vomited before.

The only sex he seems to get decent stimulation from is if I hold a flat vibrator firmly onto the end of his penis. Also he doesn't really like kissing or oral on me. So he will use a vibrator on me in return. I am starting to find our sex life really limited and unfulfilling. Although we both orgasm it is a bit clinical.

On a hygiene issue, the penis leaks wee onto his pants and trousers so i can often smell his groin. Also because the hole is on the side, his wee comes out at a 90 degree angle so is often all over the bathroom floor and sprays everywhere.

When I have asked him about circumcision he gets very distressed and says it's part of him and it is like him asking me to get a boob job. I don't think it is the same as that is purely cosmetic.

I love him so much but i really don't want this to be my sex life for the rest of my life. I just think he would enjoy sex so much more if he had a circumcision. Does anyone have any experience of this?

Okay, flame me for being dreadful...

You also may want to make the point that his penis would not affect his duties in the army. So of course an army doctor would say it it fine.

The army is not paying him to be a loving husband and it would not be their problem if he infected his wife. If it affected his duties as a soldier it would have been sorted straight away. As it didn't he was fine.

UPDATE:

Hello again. I went to the doctor and he said he would refer DP to the urologist. I made an app with the Dr for DP and spoke to DP about some concerns.

I didn't say anything about sex (as i have already and he is unmoved by this angle) but i did about health. I mentioned Penis cancer and infections which he seemed genuinely concerned about. He said he would go to the Dr. I was so relieved. Have genuinely felt great about everything for the 1st time in ages.

Spoke to him today (when Doc's app approaching) and he said he needs to see evidence now. Shown him stuff online, but there are always things like 'of course circumcision is a drastic last resort with dangers attached' or 'some people are fine with not being able to retract their foreskin' 'IF not retracting your foreskin is a PROBLEM then...'

Also the statistics of penis cancer are so low he now thinks the 'risks' are less than having it fixed or negligible.

So now we are back to square one - it is HIS health and HIS decision whether to see the Dr. Which he wont. I said in frustration then we wont be having ANY sexual contact. I just feel drained and empty. It is always 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

I am so upset, i am in bed crying.

he said he needs to see evidence now.

You got bliindsided and manipulated, so sorry. Why did you bring it up? Did you know he was not going to do it?

Is he now not going to see the doctor?

Are you afraid of him, or is he just very stubborn? If you said to him in a firm voice, 'you are going', then what would happen?

Ocky, ((hugs))) and a bump.

Don't have any advice my love.

And sorry to say this, maybe you should think of leaving. He is showing no concern about your feelings, and he is not showing any trust in you or your judgement, and there is not sense of 'a team'.

And that really isn't a good bedrock for a relationship, sorry. There a loads of men out there who DON'T have wierd mothers or hangups. You can face it now, or you can be like the rest of us and face it at 50.

He needs to see a doctor, but won't.
He is being selfish and putting his fear of embarrasment before your own relationship

I hope you can get him to see sense as this isn't going to get better without surgical help.

I too would be thinking about leaving.
This is never going to change on its own, he has to do something.
And if he doesn't you are going to wake up in 20 years time and wonder how the hell you ended up there.

abit Not sure i understand your question about why i brought it up? DO you mean why did i address it with him?

I brought it up with him because i am worried about it and want it sorted out. As i have said in the thread. I don't think i got blindsided or manipulated, I think he genuinely agreed and then when the reality of going to the Dr's approached he was terrified said he wasn't sure it was as dangerous/bad as i'd said and he wanted to see websites and stuff with information on it.

Obviously with the internet, you can always find counter stuff and stats etc so there are now doubts with him about the severity of it again. I said i just wanted him to go the Dr's for peace of mind (baby steps). I said it was non negotiable. Which got his back up as he hates being blackmailed into things. He said his health was his business. I said no it affects me too and i will not be having sex with him till he goes to the Dr's.

I went upstairs and he came up (after i posted) and asked what was wrong. I said i was worried about his penis. He said okay and kind of acquiesced but he does this then when push comes to shove he backs out.

I am certainly not frightened of him. We adore each other. But he is terrified.

I have dug my heels in now and it will be a waiting game. He doesn't respond well to anger, so i will just have to leave it, let the thoughts formulate, stop ALL sexual activity and wait for him to come round. If he doesn't within 3 months I will say again that it has to be dealt with.

He also asked why it's such an issue for me now. And i don;t know how brutally honest to be. Should i say it ALWAYS has been an issue? Should i say it is ruining sex for me? And always has done? Once that genie is out there's no getting it back in and his feelings may be irreparably damaged.

the big question is: is this a deal breaker for you? what sort of ultimatum can you make that will force the issue?

I can't leave (baby due in 2 wks) and i wont leave just yet (i have to try more). There is a full game to play, it is like chess, we have to both use our tactics before he will do anything. This is the routine to get him to change anything. Gentleness works best. but i am so frustrated. Sometimes i just feel like cutting to the chase and saying look it's over unless you do x. But it has to escalate to that more slowly otherwise i just look like a blackmailing loon.

claude i think gradual withdrawal, no intimacy and then at the end the prospect of me taking the baby and going would be as severe an ultimatum as possible. I just don't know whether i could do it. I feel dreadful just typing it.

We do love each other so very much. He is frozen by fear.

I haven't read all the posts op, but I just wanted to offer support. My exf had the same problem. He had a very small penis and the foreskin was completely closed tight over the top. It sort of resembled the knot on the end of the balloon IFSWIM. You couldn't see the glans at all.

I sympathise with you, it brings it all back - the smell, the lack of conventional sex. I once took him in my mouth and experienced a flood of urine, it was awful and I couldn't repeat. He only ejaculated once - in two years! Many times during masturbation we had to stop as I'd misjudged and pulled too hard. We had no normal sex life at all, and I used to feel like crying for want of normal intercourse. He used to make me feel bad for feeling this way. Because he couldn't enjoy normal sex he developed some strange habits that I couldn't really accept.

It's rather offish of him not to offer you oral sex, or any way of pleasuring you without a marital aid. You should rediscuss.

I don't want to scare you, but I looked into this in detail, and there is a risk of cancer related to the condition. The cleanliness could become an issue too. He refused to do anything about it, made me feel selfish and unreasonable about asking. I was very worried about the effects of this condition.

He thought I was being selfish and just thinking of sex and children. There is no way he could naturally father a child. It would have had to have been a transfer of sperm in some other way?

I'm afraid it became so much of an issue that I broke it off the engagement.

I saw him a few years ago, he had adopted a child, so I assumed he still didn't have the procedure, but possibly a more understanding partner than me.

I was actually furious with his parents. I didn't discuss the subject, don't worry! But he had this since he was a small boy, his penis seemed as if it never developed. Why wasn't this noticed during his development and bathing him. It sounds paranoid but I think you'll understand my POV op, I check my son's penis discreetly in the bath, ensuring he can pull the foreskin back fully, and clean himself thoroughly. I wouldn't want my son to go through the misery that my ex experienced and I would do what I could to help him.

For his health and wellbeing he needs this op. He should talk to a doctor, it's a very standard procedure.

Good luck op, let us know how you get on.

couldn't remember the medical name for the condition when I was typing the last post, but here it is

I apologise, what I linked to was the opposite problem "paraphimoses".

What your husband has is phimoses.

I'll find a link.

OP I don't know if you saw this last month but this is why your DH should get seen to, maybe watching this might make him reconsider?

Sorry, just caught up with all the posts and realise you have all this info already.

If you are getting stimulated by a vibrator, then you can do that yourself, can't you op?

Strange co-incidence, my ex was in the RAF and said exactly the same thing about a medical. I told him that the military GP hardly asks him to produce an erection for inspection, does he?

It had affected his whole life, he just didn't realise it.

I'm so sorry for you op. It was a deal breaker for me. Perhaps you should put your cards in the table.

Look i've had this operation, it's done under a general so you don't feel a thing. It's sore for a couple of weels afterwards but really not that bad, neuforen is enough to dull it down enough to get around -shopping driving ect. I'm sorry if this is a bit harsh but he needs to toughen up and grow up a bit. There are worse things in life - one of those would be penis cancer!

I know what you mean shouldkeep but he doesn't see it as a problem so he doesn't want to have the op. It's not like he's desperate to sort it out and has to get over his fear.

He doesn't want it done in the first place, doesn't see why i do and doesn't want surgery if it is unnecessary. I am trying to convince him it is necessary.

So up till now i have still been hoping he will want it done. But i realise he wont ever. So the way to convince him is say i want it done and i just hope my yes is stronger than his no.

It will have to come down to ultimatums sadly i think.

You have some confused ideas of what blackmail is - or maybe you are picking up HIS ideas of blackmail.

Now you are making excuses that he is terrified.

Hmmm. Why are you doing this? Why are you sliding away from the reality that he is not being reasonable, and he does not care about your input? Why are you with this person? Are you terrified of being alone?

Why are his feelings more important than your feelings? If you answered honestly, how would he react? Does he punish you, withdraw, what?

good grief, sorry but no. I suppose i know that i would hate ultimatums - which is the word i should have used. He does appear to be terrified, when i spoke to him of penis cancer he went white and very quiet. That is not an excuse.

I know he is not being reasonable or rational but he doesn't - so i am trying to see it in his terms because i am more likely to get a result that way rather than just saying 'right do this or i'm off'. Tbh if someone did that to me i'd say go then. It wouldn't be very sensitive would it.

I am with this person because i love him nothing to do with being terrified of being alone. We are expecting our 1st baby. We are affectionate and cuddly and intimate.

His feelings are not more important but it is his body so he has to agree. I cannot just dictate what i want. He is as convinced he is right as i am. So why is either of us more valid than the other?

The things women endure! He is being pathetic and need to man up!

You can't be cuddly and intimate with someone who smells of stale urine!!

And you can't be intimate with someone who could give you an infection.

He has to face reality op. His life is not normal. Your life is not normal.

Can he manage to at least insert a cotton bud inside and clean during a soak in the bath.

Would he comment if you wore the same underwear for 32 years? How is it any different? He hasn't actually cleaned his penis properly for over 30 years!

unfortunately and oddly enough repeatedly shouting that in his face wont work!

I know people are shocked because it is so unusual, but being aggressive to him about it doesn't help the situation.

The problem here is that your husband is like 99.999% of men and is terrified of going to to see his GP regarding anything other than a sprained ankle let alone something in the nether region. I first went when I was about 25 after a guy at work told me about the cancer caused as a result of cutting oils (in engineering) showing as warts and to check your scrotum regularly. Imagine my horror to find 2 small warts on the base of my penis. I plucked up the courage to see my GP and he reassured me that they were common or garden warts but sent me to see a consultant due to my concerns over the oil involved, who readily froze them with liquid nitrogen. I seem to have digressed but the point I'm trying to make is that (as most of you Ladies have probably expierenced) once you have been to the doctors with a sensitive issue it's a lot easier to go again. Your next challenge is to convince him that he is going to see a medical professional who has signed the Hypocratic oath ensuring total privacy and not some bloke from work who's going to video it and put it on you tube. Good Luck