Can i convince DP to be circumcised...

[ockytockyonga]

I know this is a controversial subject, but just wanted some advice. I have name changed as this is so personal I want to protect DP.

DP's foreskin does not pull back at all, not even a bit. He should have had it fixed as a child, when it started giving him trouble, but I don't think his Mother wouldn't allow it.

He is very sensitive about it and doesn't like to discuss it. We have spoken before but he gets very defensive.

Basically, because of the way his Penis is he doesn't get stimulation from the normal backwards and forward motion. He prefers a very tight grip at the tip with sort of circular motions. Because of this it means he doesn't get much out of PIV sex. I am either too tight and it hurts, as it pulls his foreskin back. Or i am too wet and then the grip is not hard enough.

But also because of this there are other effects. His penis seems to store wee in the end, so it smells bad. I really don't like putting it in my mouth as it tastes so bad - I have gagged and almost vomited before.

The only sex he seems to get decent stimulation from is if I hold a flat vibrator firmly onto the end of his penis. Also he doesn't really like kissing or oral on me. So he will use a vibrator on me in return. I am starting to find our sex life really limited and unfulfilling. Although we both orgasm it is a bit clinical.

On a hygiene issue, the penis leaks wee onto his pants and trousers so i can often smell his groin. Also because the hole is on the side, his wee comes out at a 90 degree angle so is often all over the bathroom floor and sprays everywhere.

When I have asked him about circumcision he gets very distressed and says it's part of him and it is like him asking me to get a boob job. I don't think it is the same as that is purely cosmetic.

I love him so much but i really don't want this to be my sex life for the rest of my life. I just think he would enjoy sex so much more if he had a circumcision. Does anyone have any experience of this?

Okay, flame me for being dreadful...

this site might help convince him to go to the doctor; it specifically says circumcision is not usually necessary.

Thanks oops but actually we have discussed the stretching, non surgical option, and he is even more horrified and disgusted at that than circumcision. In fact he would opt for quick surgery over gradual stretching any day.

If i even mentioned stretching again I think he would faint. Poor DP :(

Op how are you feeling this morning? It was alot to take in last night in sure.

IT's not just about not cleaning that causes problems.
Look i'm no doctor but if he won't see a real one then from my own experience this is what i was told / found out.
This condition normally leads to infection with BXO (Balanitis xerotica obliterans). It causes minor infections and you get sores under the foreskin, like blisters that have popped. Hurts like hell when you pee! These come and go constantly and damage the skin cells. This is chronic and progressive ie. it gets worse over time and will not just go away on it's own accord. This then leads to Squamous-cell carcinoma-then your in trouble.
The doctors told me it is not very common but it is a consideration. And when your waiting for the results to come back you think shit i wish i'd gone years ago now!
If he isn't getting the regular little infections then maybe he is OK for now but really he needs to have a word with himself and get it sorted. At the end of the day it's not like heart surgery or having a kidney removed!

Just read back a few more posts from last night.
My GP was crap too. I got an appointment direct with the urinary dept at the hospital. The GP didn't even want to look at it after i'd taken years to finally decide to go!! Well worth his 100K+ a year but that's another point.
Also if there is BXO infection forget the stretching -it's coming off.
Look i took a few years to finally get it sorted but he is just going to have to stop being a wimp get to see someone who knows what their doing and sort it out. Sounds like your going to have to go and hold his hand - probably pulling him along!

ocky,

He has some sort of medical problem with regards to his penis; the hole where he urinates is on the side. He is and has not been the only one to suffer such difficulties. The issue also is that such problems have gone untreated for years.

He needs medical attention as soon as possible and from a specialist to boot. He cannot go on like this and neither can you. Its affecting both your qualities of life.

If your GP practice is rubbish and they certainly sound it, change GPs. Its far easier to do that these days. I would also sit in on any appointments he has then you know fully what is being said. Go with him to a new GP practice and start getting proper answers. Both of you are just drifting around in circles and neither of you are medically trained.

His parents do sound very dysfunctional; this comment of yours is very telling as well:-

"His mother would have never let anything happen to his precious penis. Which is why when the gp advised correcting it as a child she would never allow it. He told me once that she wouldn't allow it and he was never shown how to clean himself. In fact he refuses to believe that that's the way men clean themselves"

Your poor partner has had to suffer this for years because his stupid mother chose to ignore medical advice to get his penile problem fixed!. Poor sod.

The type of specialist he would need to see is a urologist.

Go with him to any and all appointments; he needs to take proper responsibility for his male health and by doing so he would also be showing you that he respects you.

Have you made him an appointment? My DH throws a wobbly if I suggest he sees a doctor or dentist but if I just phone up and make him an appointment and present it as a done deal he goes along like a little lamb. The weirdo.

Good Morning all.

I think I was a bit rude last night and didn't thank you all for your time and advice. But I really am grateful, so thank you :)

Anyway, I was very upset and couldn't sleep. My mind has been going over it. If feel so frustrated.

It is such a bad time for us. He works away a lot, is mega busy and stressed as his consultancy is just getting off the ground. Our baby is due soon and we are getting everything ready. We have issues with his parents. I just know if I say something he will feel that I am adding to this stress unnecessarily.

If I ever want to bring up something which he doesn't consider a priority or doesn't bother him he says I have just sat around thinking about something to argue about. :( Because obviously I just like arguing!

I know he will say he doesn't have time for 'elective' surgery.

Be brave and do it.

Of course he will get defensive/aggressive dealing with something he doesn't want to deal with; don't take it personally, stay calm, realise it is the fear and not you, and stick to your guns.

This is not right, and if he has hypospadias as well as phimosis, it could all be done in stages.
He is going to have to face up at some stage, that his mother let him down but that you are not going to.

I just can't believe this is happening again. My exH and I had sex problems where he couldn't get an erection. That took years to get him to go to the dr and get help. In the end it was never sorted and was part of the reason we split.

I am only in my mid 30's and I cannot believe I have spent so much time having shit sex and worrying about someone else's genitalia. If it was me I would be straight to the dr's.

I know it is neither of their faults they had issues but surely not sorting it is their responsibilities. I am very understanding enabling but I am not sure how much more of this I can take. I spoke to my Mum for support when I was feeling really down about it and she just made me feel worse. Saying can't you find someone normal? How do you find these people with problems?

At the beginning with DP (3 yrs ago) it wasn't really a problem as such, as we used condoms. But for the last year it has really bothered me. And now I know there are health implications for both of us then it has to be fixed.

If it was an issue which just couldn't be easily sorted then of course I would accept it as I love him (which is what he wants me to do and makes out there is no alternative). But as it is such a simple procedure I just cannot accept this misery for the rest of my life.

How far should I go with ultimatums? I hate them but I think it may come to it to show how serious I am. Not sure whether I should I say no sex of any kind till he goes to the GP? He's a bit of a sex camel, so I know he will outlast me!

IIWY I would go to counselling either to learn how to stay calm in the face of whatever he threw at you to get you 'off his case', and to repeat the issue without getting sidetracked.

I also think you should communicate what this means for you... ie I would like you to care about me enough to take my feelings seriously and [go to the dr]

And do this for the long haul. If you have to bring this up/have the row for 99 days in a row, then have it. 199 days - do it. Become, in a calm and kind way, worse than what he is trying to avoid!!

Yes I will have to do that. abit . Although he always counters with if I cared about him enough I wouldn't mind and accept him the way he is. He makes me feel bad for trying to change him and see's it as a purely cosmetic issue that I am being selfish about.

He refuses to believe it is unhygienic or unhealthy. He will not read or look at anything I show him and is adamant he has already seen a dr - when he was in the army - who said he was fine. He argues the army would not have passed his medical if there was a problem.

How can I argue with that? I think I will have to stop explaining and engaging in a debate about it and just say he sorts it or we can't have sex as I am not risking my health anymore. It will then be a stalemate and we wont have sex for months. I will probably leave because I cannot be in a relationship like that. He knows sex is a priority for me and I have already been divorced once because of it.

I will be alone with no where to go and no job and with a baby.

I can almost see every thing played out in front of me. It is so depressing. I am crying now. I am so angry with him.

Has he any men friends who have been through anything similar - it really helped my DH that his best friend had been through the same thing only his friends was done as an emergency as the skin underneath that attaches the foreskin snapped/split completely during sex for him . He told my DH to get on with it, not to even think about it and get it done - even told my DH to hit his post op erections with a spoon to get rid of them!!!!

Sadly no counting everyone in DP's life pretty much tells him he's totally fine and he doesn't have to do anything. So it seems I am the unreasonable one.

Oh ockytockytonga :(
It does sound so hard. It seems he is just not flexible about this issue at all. Is he like that too in other aspects? I always thought a good relationship is about compromise. Not my way or the highway.
I wouldn't be suggesting you leave him for this. It's totally up to you how important this is to you. It does sound quite important to you from the way you have described, but surely if this marriage means enough to him, he would not be against going for some marriage counselling?
It's not really a good time for this to happen is it? You are pregnant, you have all these pregnancy hormones and the physical stuff to cope with right now. And after the baby arrives, you will have to cope with being a new mother as well.
Do you have any family or friend whom you could ask for help with while you sort this out? Or you could postpone it until you feel you have less on your plate?

tiger he is pretty inflexible but also he has been quite sheltered from the world so is quite naive at times and has very odd views of sharing. He is an only child, has only work colleagues as friends, he is a workaholic. He hadn't had a gf since he was 19 and has lived for his career. He is a lovely person but I feel I have shook up his world. He has been told he is on the aspergers scale and is very set in his ways, change takes a long time. He loves me and being a family with me has brought colour and happiness into a very functional selfish life. But it is hard for him to let go of it completely.

He see's this as a personal part of his body, one which is intimately part of him, which is absolutely fine as no one has ever made an issue of it before and he has not had any problems. So i am trying to mutilate it for aesthetics and sexual preference - as i said before, he likens it to demanding I have a boob job.

He dislikes pornography so does not see other penises that often. He thinks he is just un-circumcised and every other penis he has seen is. When I point out it isn't he simply ignores or doesn't believe me. His Dad is very aloof and was throughout his childhood. I assume his father never even saw his penis and let his mother deal with everything. She dotes on him and would never accept there was anything not perfect about him.

I have no family apart from my M&D and they live far away and I have no friends.

Both of us are very strong willed, I see this as what happens when an unstoppable force meets and immoveable object! (I am the force and he is the object)

I see. With him being on the Aspergers scale it does make matters a bit different now. I don't know a lot about Aspergers though. All I know is that they can be quite set in their preferences and routine, hate changes. Have you ever been on any support forum for spouses of people with Aspergers? I think they might be able to give you more help about how to deal with a husband with Aspergers. Either way I think he would need counselling - Aspergers' sufferers do go for counselling too, to help them deal with difficulties in life, etc.

It seems like at this point perhaps you might consider postponing making any big changes or starting something big like this until you are more settled into motherhood. I'm not sure how far along are you in your pregnancy at this stage, but with pregnancy hormones raging, you may be more prone to emotionality and find it harder to think rationally or focus. And even after you've had the baby, there'd still be some hormone-adjustment going on in your body (it takes a while for your body to get used to not being pregnant too), and then you have to deal with caring for a new baby, you might be tired out, etc. Your life can sometimes take a few years to settle down after a baby is born. With my third baby that does seem to be the case, not so with my first. Every baby is different. Motherhood can take a lot out of you at times.

The sex bit though. I don't know how you might feel about continuing the way you've always done until you feel in a better place to tackle this issue with him. You won't be stuck with this forever. If you're set on doing something about it, you know you will get to it eventually once you feel ready. Are you okay with continuing with this nagging issue in the background for a while, until you feel more able to cope with sorting it out? If your DH is quite alright to live with most of the time, apart from this issue, then you might find it's not so bad just to bear with it a bit more. But then again, you may feel you're able to start tackling this issue sooner than later. It just depends on how you feel about this.

I think ocky that you need to find the strength to tell him that your relationship for the long term will be in trouble if he does not get this sorted. As he knows you have been strong enough to divorce in the past over sex issues, he should take you seriously and hopefully do something about it.
If he still does nothing when faced with poss loss of relationship with you and his DC, maybe it shows that he will always see himself and his needs above loved ones around him. I'd find it hard to live with someone like that long-term as love is about giving and making those around you as happy as possible, not creating misery by your own selfishness. Sounds like his mother has done a number on him.

TBH I think he will be very distressed that he could make me unwell by passing on any infection. So I think that is the way to get him to understand how important it all is. I don't think he has ever considered it could be dangerous for either of us. I know I hadn't.

I will simply say, over and over again, this is not up for discussion, I will not put my health at risk and there can be no sex until he see's the GP. He has private medical, so any procedures should be able to be done quickly.

I will be kind and understanding but I am now determined to sort this out.

tiger I am not emotional or hormonal at all actually. I am very even tempered. I have been fortunate and not had any emotional swings at all.

Thank you all for being so kind and supportive. I honestly thought everyone would tell me to stop interfering as it is his body and I shouldn't want him to mutilate it.

You have all given me the strength to fix this. :)

Fwiw op, my DH had it done privately under insurance - he just told the gp he had insurance and he refered him straightaway for the consultant to decide what to do and it was day surgery. Please tell him he will not regret it, DH wished he had had it done earlier.

I wish you all the best ocky, and hope you manage to resolve this issue. You are not wrong to broach the matter. This is a health issue and nobody here will blame you for wanting him to do something about it (and you are lucky btw, to not to be affected by hormones in pregnancy).

Or maybe tiger I'm just so hormonal all the time that I haven't noticed any difference during my pregnancy.

DP is home tomorrow but has a really busy week at work ahead. I think I will see if I can get an appointment at the dr's and then speak to him next weekend.

Cheers all :) I am terrified but positive. If that makes any sense!?

Just do your best. You know it's right. :)