Unhappy. What can I do?

[resistantmaterial]

I feel very nervous about posting this, but a couple of female friends have suggested that this can be used for dads as well as mums, so I'll try. Right, I'm a 33 year old man. I have been married for one year and was with my wife for two years before that, but I am not sure I love her any more and I don't think I ever did.

We met on an Internet dating site, were both teachers, although she did not like her job and regularly used to say she wanted to try something else. The relationship was serious, I thought I loved her, but it was in quite early stages when she became pregnant. I obviously accept responsibility for this, but I have to say she did say she was on the Pill, no problem, it happens but it was daunting. We bought a house together and our daughter was born in July 2010, she is a delight, I never thought I'd like babies but it's true it's different when it's your own. Unfortunately, our relationship really broke down. My partner had said she was going back to work part time in March 2011, so our daughter would have been 7 months. When that date came around, she announced she wasn't ready, unfortunately when she was unpaid from maternity leave it meant we couldn't pay the mortgage, and if my parents hadn't given us some money the house would have been in danger. She then said she couldn't leave our daughter and resigned. What I hate about this is that she didn't discuss it with me first and tells me I will have to do something about it. I've got a job working evenings and weekends behind a bar, as at the moment what I bring home from teaching just covers mortgage & bills. We "eat" the child benefit and the bar work money. It isn't much and i rarely see our daughter.

I know she posts on a lot of mum and baby forums and complains about me, saying she has to do everything around the house and cook all the time but what does she expect as I'm never in? Plus as I'm working 2 jobs and she's at home is it really unreasonable for her to do the housework/cooking? She thinks I am. I've begged her to just do a day of supply teaching a week as this would take so much financial pressure off us but she won't. On paper I earn a good salary but I see literally nothing of it. I feel ashamed I have to drive an old banger and work a second job like a student when the other members of staff who are in management roles at school don't. I know this is because of the mortgage but we can't really downsize due to having missed payments and have bad credit.

We don't get on at all, she criticises me all the time and probably feels I do the same to her but I feel as if I compromise on everything and she won't even budge to help.

And I really can't believe the 2 jobs thing. Sorry. Nobody would take a second job without thrashing this out.

I'm sorry Daffy. That sounds horrible.

I also think it all sounds a bit unlikely but...

I don't get refusing to do a job. I did tutoring when my dd1 was a baby, and I went back to work when my dd2 was 7 months, not because I didn't want to spend time with her, I was very very sad to do so, but we needed the money and my husband didn't earn enough for me to SAH. Tough, but the way things are. I did cry a lot that first week, but told myself that being a mum is about looking after your child in the global sense, and that includes paying the mortgage and buying food, indeed that's an essential role. Didn't cheer me up much initially, though.

There's always work to be had whilst staying at home, tutoring being the main one for ex-teachers.

There are all sorts of things a SAHM can do to bring in a little extra such as Avon/Betterware/Usborne, dogwalking, ironing... All these things are flexible in terms of hours and while they don't bring in vast amounts of money unless you are really pushy and really lucky, every little helps.
OP if you are totally focussing on her going Back To Work ie starting to teach again, it's not that surprising she's digging her heels in; she may be well aware that supply teaching is currently difficult to get. But is it not possible that the two of you could discuss other ways of increasing the household income and reach a reasonable compromise?

And I really can't believe the 2 jobs thing. Sorry.
I can believe it. An NQT it RQT doesn't earn a lot. Around 20K.
Even a teacher with more experience and higher pay would struggle with say an £800+ mortgage. It isn't unheard of.

Kitty, I meant more that I didn't believe a man would just go and take on a second job without having a real thrash it out convo with dp. Apparently she never gave him a reason why she wasn't going to work apart from refusing 'point blank'. If it was really like that I think the post would have been phrased differently.

Well if it's between getting a second job and losing the house you've invested time and money in, I can believe it.

It all reminds me of romantic comedies that require the two leads to wilfully miscommunicate in order to keep the plot rolling.

I suppose the following convo could never possibly happen:

DH: I'm knackered here, working two jobs, it would be much better if you did a day of supply teaching so I could pack in the bar work.

DW: I've looked into that, there isn't any supply work round here just now.

DH: Oh, right. How else then can we sort this out?

I'd love to know what this pair actually say to each other during rows.

Because I very much doubt it goes like this:

DH: Oi, wife. Get your arse back to work.

DW: No.

But there are many things in life that I very much doubt.

LBY, as someone said upthread, if you've got your doubts then report the OP. You've made your point. No need to repeatedly call the OP's honesty into question on this thread.

FWIW, I can well believe it. I had to work 2 jobs when I was younger - in my case a relationship failed but my outgoings didn't drop.

That's not the same as this instance Cinnabar.
And why would I report? There's plenty on this site that's, er, creative.

Er, because that's what the MN guidelines ask you to do, perhaps.

And my failed relationship was with a flatmate with whom I fell out and then refused to pay her share of the bills or move out. As the lease was due to end in 6 months, and I didn't want legal hassle or a poor credit rating, I worked 2 jobs. So very different? I don't think so.

Good advice from sgb

The child is two, can she do anything to work at home, childminding, babysitting in hotels in the weekends, some Saturday work. Surely if she puts her mind down to it she can think of some way of brining in some money.

Even talking in ironing or something. House cleaning over the weekends.

What is she willing to do?

I always think there will be more to these stories than meets the eye! It won't simply be that the wife is sitting around refusing to work and throwing daggers at her long suffering DH. Maybe she senses that you never really loved her, as you say, and that on top of just having a baby/small child is finding this too much to cope with. I would guess it's hard to make rational decisions about going back to work (especially teaching, which needs a positive attitude and having your head screwed on), when the person you live with is so angry with you. She's probably completely depressed.
I'm not saying your life isn't difficult, but her life with you sounds awful too (living with someone who quite obviously resents you completely, and wishes he had never got together with you). You sound angry at the world, worrying about your car not being new on top of everything. The crux of this seems to be that your relationship has broken down, and that is what you need to address. You do remind me of someone I used to know who also worked 2 or 3 jobs to support his (now Ex) dw. They split in the end, and he remained aggressive and bitter towards her years later. The bitterness and anger took over his whole life - he would tell complete strangers how awful she was. I would start talking to her now if I were you, and try to work out what you are going to do.