Unhappy. What can I do?

[resistantmaterial]

I feel very nervous about posting this, but a couple of female friends have suggested that this can be used for dads as well as mums, so I'll try. Right, I'm a 33 year old man. I have been married for one year and was with my wife for two years before that, but I am not sure I love her any more and I don't think I ever did.

We met on an Internet dating site, were both teachers, although she did not like her job and regularly used to say she wanted to try something else. The relationship was serious, I thought I loved her, but it was in quite early stages when she became pregnant. I obviously accept responsibility for this, but I have to say she did say she was on the Pill, no problem, it happens but it was daunting. We bought a house together and our daughter was born in July 2010, she is a delight, I never thought I'd like babies but it's true it's different when it's your own. Unfortunately, our relationship really broke down. My partner had said she was going back to work part time in March 2011, so our daughter would have been 7 months. When that date came around, she announced she wasn't ready, unfortunately when she was unpaid from maternity leave it meant we couldn't pay the mortgage, and if my parents hadn't given us some money the house would have been in danger. She then said she couldn't leave our daughter and resigned. What I hate about this is that she didn't discuss it with me first and tells me I will have to do something about it. I've got a job working evenings and weekends behind a bar, as at the moment what I bring home from teaching just covers mortgage & bills. We "eat" the child benefit and the bar work money. It isn't much and i rarely see our daughter.

I know she posts on a lot of mum and baby forums and complains about me, saying she has to do everything around the house and cook all the time but what does she expect as I'm never in? Plus as I'm working 2 jobs and she's at home is it really unreasonable for her to do the housework/cooking? She thinks I am. I've begged her to just do a day of supply teaching a week as this would take so much financial pressure off us but she won't. On paper I earn a good salary but I see literally nothing of it. I feel ashamed I have to drive an old banger and work a second job like a student when the other members of staff who are in management roles at school don't. I know this is because of the mortgage but we can't really downsize due to having missed payments and have bad credit.

We don't get on at all, she criticises me all the time and probably feels I do the same to her but I feel as if I compromise on everything and she won't even budge to help.

Hmmm. Maybe he's at his second job.

There is always supply work with agencies. But the schools may be ones which would be very very hard work, and actually damaging if she does have PND. maybe thats whats putting her off.
But its not fair that she gets a choice and he doesn't.
for both of them. Don't know what would help, but the breakdown in communication has to be addressed if there is to be hope that they can make it as afamily.

Is your wife sitting round at home doing nothing all day and night? If not, and she is looking after the baby, then pay her £1200 for looking after the baby. That's how much it costs me for my toddler at the moment if he goes mon-fri (DS1 and DS2 do part time and even that costs me more than what I earn). All money disappearing before we set eyes on it on our account - yup, all goes into mortgate, childcare, bills.

It is wrong that no discussion was made prior to quitting her job, that must be awful. :(

All the criticism, complaining... it's all stress and tiredness. Completely identify with that. Don't know if you're into all the 'counselling' stuff (I'm not!!), but if that's for you then go down the route of 'seeking help'. The bit about not loving her, and never did etc. that's really sad. Hope you manage to work things out.

Ok, I'm tempted agree with everyone and tell you to stand firm and get her to work. But is there any supply work out there? Does your dd have any medicial conditions / special needs which might make your wife 'afraid' to leave her? Does your wife trust the grandparents to look after your daughter? Does she ever let them care for your daughter unsupervised? Does your wife have any form of depression? Does she still love / respect / like you? Is she planning another pregnancy ASAP and therefore doesn't see the point of starting work again? I think you both need to sit down and discuss how you each feel and your finances, with the help of relate if need be. I can kind of understand your wife wanting to be a sahm, many women do, but it's not a women's right. Could she not at least be making money selling stuff on eBay, telesales in the evening, being an ironing lady, selling Avon etc, etc? Why can't she be doing the bar work in the evenings and weekends, or at the very least sare it with you? However I really don't believe your working every night and weekend? What are your actual hours? If you really are, along with the teaching, you are going to burn out, and fast.

lovebunny :read what he says. he isn't sad and let down. he took on responsibility he didn't want or need and now wants rid. may he get what he wants.
He took on the normal amount of responsibility expected of a partner and father but his partner is taking it to another level by not budging when it comes to finances. She is expecting him to do far far too much.
Going off what the OP has said, he has tried harder than most men and as a result of his DP's selfish attitude is finding it very hard to want to stay or feel any love for this woman.
If I were him, I'd feel the same.
Why can't he do the teaching job in the day and she do the bar job at night? When does he get to spend time with his daughter?
No wonder he is resentful towards her.

Would her going back to work make you love her again? It seems all this talk of work is of little relevance if you don't love her anymore, or if you ever did.

Once this sort of resentment settles in it's hard to love again. This kind of selfish behaviour kills it IMO.

He's quite the hero... two jobs and a woman that isn't supporting him. I'm surprised that anyone would take on a second job without sorting it out there and then.

People always have some sort of reason for their behaviour and it's useful to find out what it is.

I remember LEM :)

I didn't work when dd was small - we had nothing. My poor dh worked two jobs, half killed himself so I could stay at home with dd- then I fell pregnant with ds, and when he was 6 months I got s job - he's 7 now and I work 2 jobs.

If you need both of you to work to pay bills etc is there anyone (if not you) who will sit down with your wife and explain?

No way would my DH work in the day and then go out in the evening so that Icould be a SAHM. Why should he kill himself working and have no time left to see his DD?

X Post fair - my post wasn't aimed at you.

What a shitty society we live in where a full-time teacher's salary isn't enough to keep a roof over a small family's head.

Op, I know a man exactly like you.
He works full time. He has 3 DCs and his NSDW is a SAHM. She spends all day on Facebook or at the gym. He comes home from work then has to go to the shop to buy food. He then has to go home and cook the evening meal for all the family.

She does fuck all. And the 3 DCs are all at school. She does no housework.....the place is a tip and he has to do all the cleaning at the weekend.
Everyone who knows them tells him repeatedly to get the hell out, but he refuses as he wants to see his DCs every day.
We can't understand how she can live with herself knowing that she is contributing nothing to the family.....money, time, anything.
Get out asap or tell your DW to step up and get a job.

YANBU OP. I know several women who have done similar to what your DW have done.

However, I do think you have to take some responsibility too. I have several lovely, attractive, single friends who own their own homes, cars and have successful careers, and who are very responsible and stable. And they are told by men that they are too career oriented/intimidating/successful for them to date. You knew that your DW didn't like her career or job when you met her, but she is the sort of woman you chose to be with. I would have rejected the sort of traits she displayed from the outset in a man because I would have thought he was a bit flakey.

Anyway, as it turns out, you're unhappy now and rightfully so. I think the best thing to do in the short term is to act as well as you possibly can, while thinking of a longer term plan/solution. Can you live with her not working? Would her earnings outweigh the childcare costs? Can you continue in a relationship with someone who refuses to talk about such important issues?

lowestpriority I think you are describing my SIL. Except she doesn't go to the gym.

I'm a teacher who is currently a SAHP and I would love to do one day a week of supply,but those days are gone folks.Schools employ full time cover supervisors to cover any PPA or staff sickness.TA's are teaching full classes alone for days,weeks even terms on end [happening at both my son and daughters schools].I trained up as a One to One Tutor and the Government have scrapped ring fence funding for this kind of educational intervention.Please don't keep asking her to do just one day a week.She will need to work more than that.

HI there
We have moved this thread to Relationships
THanks

tbh if she hates teaching. Maybe that's the key. Maybe she need to look at doing something else.

Another ex teacher here - I too found it very, very hard to get supply work when I was returning to work.

I was experienced up to SLT level, registered with two agencies, contacted all my local schools, arranged childcare for particular days each week, but got no supply work at all from the agencies. The only supply work I ended up doing was where I had previously been for an interview at the school and actually introduced them to the agency myself. Even then, it was only a few days. This is in a built-up urban area in London.

The previous poster is right - the days of being able to say 'I'm available each Friday' then waiting for that phonecall seem to be long gone. The other factor was that agencies couldn't seem to get their head around my wish to only do a couple of days a week nor that I had been away from the classroom for a year - despite my decade of experience they kept implying that I lacked 'recent experience', even after just one year out. The agencies also had huge issues withthe fact that I had been on maternity leave and kept saying that the references I had didn't cover my period of maternity leave (even though they did) and therefore I needed further references...

I actively approached a school where I had worked before (which had always employed pt cover teachers in the past) - they were now covering PPA etc using nursery nurses and TAs.

So it is not as simple as it first appears!

FWIW, lovebunny has posted a seriously weird rant somewhat provocative thread in AIBU about women being stupid.

Even if she can't get supply work there are other jobs! They have free and flexible childcare, she could work 16 hours a week and bring in £100 or so doing a non skilled job if she can't or doesn't want to teach.

Tutoring is another area she could try and work at, it pays well and is flexible. Plus with her teaching credentials that should be a bonus.

You need to get yourselves down to a relationship counsellor and thrash this out. Obviously there are big communication issues. You sound from what you write, OP, that you very frustrated with the situation and something needs to change.

In my situation I became a sahm, because my XH moved us around so much and we followed his job, but he had good London-style management jobs and should have easily been able to afford it (with sensible belt tightening). He ended up getting very stressed and depressed, because we didn't have enough money to live on, at the same time I never spent a penny on myself, and he constantly treated himself to high end electronics, cars, holidays, and spent a fortune drinking and eating out. I got abuse if I even got my hair cut twice a year. But if anyone was to speak to him now, his version of events would be quite different. I was a money grabbing cow, and for me I felt like the unpaid au pair as he never came home as he was too busy socialising.

Now you do absolutely not sound like that. My XH would never have considered a second job for example. But I guess my point is that both of you will have very different versions of what is going on, and perhaps a counsellor can help you both communicate?

On the other hand..
Perhaps she didn't expect to fall pregnant and it was as much of a shock to her as it was to him. Maybe she felt anxious that he was tied to her now so she wanted proof that he loves her. When he has a fit about working, she interprets that as a sign that he doesn't love her. And so it goes on...
A bit simplistic but you get what I mean...?