Unhappy. What can I do?

[resistantmaterial]

I feel very nervous about posting this, but a couple of female friends have suggested that this can be used for dads as well as mums, so I'll try. Right, I'm a 33 year old man. I have been married for one year and was with my wife for two years before that, but I am not sure I love her any more and I don't think I ever did.

We met on an Internet dating site, were both teachers, although she did not like her job and regularly used to say she wanted to try something else. The relationship was serious, I thought I loved her, but it was in quite early stages when she became pregnant. I obviously accept responsibility for this, but I have to say she did say she was on the Pill, no problem, it happens but it was daunting. We bought a house together and our daughter was born in July 2010, she is a delight, I never thought I'd like babies but it's true it's different when it's your own. Unfortunately, our relationship really broke down. My partner had said she was going back to work part time in March 2011, so our daughter would have been 7 months. When that date came around, she announced she wasn't ready, unfortunately when she was unpaid from maternity leave it meant we couldn't pay the mortgage, and if my parents hadn't given us some money the house would have been in danger. She then said she couldn't leave our daughter and resigned. What I hate about this is that she didn't discuss it with me first and tells me I will have to do something about it. I've got a job working evenings and weekends behind a bar, as at the moment what I bring home from teaching just covers mortgage & bills. We "eat" the child benefit and the bar work money. It isn't much and i rarely see our daughter.

I know she posts on a lot of mum and baby forums and complains about me, saying she has to do everything around the house and cook all the time but what does she expect as I'm never in? Plus as I'm working 2 jobs and she's at home is it really unreasonable for her to do the housework/cooking? She thinks I am. I've begged her to just do a day of supply teaching a week as this would take so much financial pressure off us but she won't. On paper I earn a good salary but I see literally nothing of it. I feel ashamed I have to drive an old banger and work a second job like a student when the other members of staff who are in management roles at school don't. I know this is because of the mortgage but we can't really downsize due to having missed payments and have bad credit.

We don't get on at all, she criticises me all the time and probably feels I do the same to her but I feel as if I compromise on everything and she won't even budge to help.

There is no other way but to keep talking. Can you get a babysitter and go out for a meal and talk then? In a more relaxed environment?

What reason does she give for not working?

I really feel for you with this, it is very difficult. We got married 10 years ago, both earning very good salaries, I worked in London and my job was secure. I got pregnant within a month of our wedding, planned, and we decided that I would be a stay-at-home mum! BUT, I also wanted to work part-time so took a job 3 nights a week at a department store in a local shopping centre. Ten years on, our children are 10 and 8 and I have always managed to find evening/weekend jobs to fit around the family. I currently work in their school and will be looking to go back to work full-time very soon. Compromise has to be the key. I do think she is being very selfish, maybe she is depressed but you should not be working all these hours at the risk of your own health.

But its not a stable home. Your dd will pick up on the bad vibes, you are never there and feel resentful. Her mum feels she does everything at home and feels resentful. Its not a good environment to be in.
If you put the deposit down, is the house in both your names?

The problem is Dprince, the resentment isn't being caused by me. If I didn't work two jobs, we would slowly starve. As it is, I'm expected to do a full day at school, come home, bolt some food down, go to my second job, arrive home at around midnight, and face icy glares the next morning because she had to put our daughter to bed alone. My answer every time is I will put her to bed every single night if she'll do a day or two of work but she refuses, stalemate.

I'm really doing everything I can but she won't budge an inch.

Are you getting any financial help? tax credits at all? could you talk to your mortgage company to try and find a way to reduce your payments, even temporarily? We were four months in arrears with our mortgage and the bank were helpful. I know this doesn't make it any less unfair that you are having to do too much (this can't go on, you have a demanding job which will suffer if you have to work two jobs in this way) but at least it will take some of the pressure off and maybe you can give up the second job.

Maybe you should show your wife this thread? She may well have her head in the sand and ding the "fingers in ears, lalala i dont want to hear this" routine

When you ask her about going back to work what does she actually say? What's her reasoning? I just don't get why she's happy to stand by and watch you work yourself to the bone to house and feed her and DD.

So what does she think should be done about the situation then?

Does she have an alternative plan to pay the bills that does not involve you working in the evenings or her working?

Difficult one, because I can see it from both sides. As a working mum, life is exhausting, but as a SAHP life is also exhausting, it can be mundane, and at the end of the day you crave a break (as I'm sure you do too). So you could just be caught up in that "my life is worse than yours" thing.
It doesn't sound like you are communicating, at all, but you can't go on like you are doing. You need to address this by talking about it. Maybe Relate would be helpful, though unfortunately they are a bit pricey. I think they do offer concessions though.

What would she do if you called her bluff? Say you just can't carry on any more, she either works so you only do one job, or you'll have to lose the house and rent somewhere cheaper?

Sounds like she has you by the short & curlies as you don't want to lose the house.

I think its pretty bad making you do 2 jobs if she won't consider one day a week.

It's do unreasonable it makes me think too is she depressed, or is there some other reason such as anxiety she won't work.

Is it teaching perhaps?

I wasn't imply you were the cause. I was saying that she does resent you (unfairly from what you have said) and your dd will be picking up on it.
Tbh depressed or not I think she is the female equivalent of a cocklodger. If a woman came here and said she was having to work 2 jobs because her dh refused to get a job and demanded to be a sahp without consulting her, could work as free child care is available, that she didn't mind him not working fulltime but enough for her to give up the second job and that the dh then moans he gets little domestic help or help with the dcs, everyone would saying he is a cocklodger and to kick him into touch. Or at least most would. There wouldn't be a jump to 'maybe he is depressed'. She might be but she is still being unreasonable and is not acting as part or a partnership. she is bring selfish.
The way she is acting is unacceptable.

Horrible situation for you OP. I don't know how you can balance teaching with doing a second job. Have you suggested to your wife that perhaps she should get an evening or weekend job? You could take over the childcare in the evenings, you'd be able to offer her more support around the house.

You've got to talk to her about it.

leave the bastard. and the child. oh yes.
you don't like her. you want her to work - but she's looking after your child. you're angry.
leave them. make their lives worth living.

I don't know. I think a lot of her friends have weathy husbands and so can afford to stay at home, plus cleaner, which we can't.

I haven't a clue what's going on in her head. Her life might be mundane but I'd swap any day of the week.

I agree that you need to sit down and have a really honest talk. If you can't do this on your own then Relate sounds like a good idea. You need to let her know how you are feeling. I would also suggest a budgeting session maybe with the Citizens Advice Bureau or similar? Not in anyway to undermine/downplay the other problems but to get a grip on your finances and realise what needs to change.

Is your wife unwilling to consider any kind of work or is it just supply teaching? Could she do private tutoring? PT admin/editing from home? Childminding? Or does she want to re-train?

Sorry Resistantmaterials, I meant she could get an evening job rather than you having to have one.

This thread is about a problem that's so stereotypical I wonder if it really is true? A man, on a mainly female site, complaining about a woman... almost feels like a dare or a wind up to see if we have double standards.

You need to make it 100 percent clear you will not carry on. I have friends who can afford not to work, I can't and that's life.

To be honest I would much prefer to work a day or two a week and have my partner around in the evenings.

Are you sure she doesn't feel that you're prioritising a higher standard of living than you need? Maybe she feels you're choosing to work a second job because the material things are important to you, but actually you could easily leave the second job and be at home with her and your DD in the evenings as long as you're happy to have an older car, etc.

This could be quite easily fixed over a carefully prepared spreadsheet showing her exactly how close to the knuckle things are. It's hard to hang on to perceptions when consulted with undeniable evidence in black and white rather than just an opposing POV.

lovebunny are you the dw?
look if you think its not true, report it. Why could it not be true? because women are never this unreasonable. Plenty of women post this sort of thing, are they lying as well. Or is there a double standard? That men routinely take the piss out of their wives but women don't do the same.
I would rather believe its real and offer help, than shuffle the OP off because he is a man and leave someone he genuine without a bit of support.

She is putting you in an awful position.
You can't do a full day teaching and then work at night. You just can't. If your partner is happy for you to do that so that she can be a SAHM she is BVUnreasonable.
She can't afford to be a SAHM. Lots of people can't. She should get a part time job at least or A's you say, do some supply.
Sorry for your situation OP.
Oh, as for PND. You sound depressed OP, let alone her. :(

I agree with whoever said to show her this thread. She sounds very unreasonable from what you've said.

lovebunny- you want her to work - but she's looking after your child.
OP's wife can't afford to stay at home and not work. She may be looking after their child but if the bills need paying she can't not work. She is being unfair.

It sounds like you need proper financial advice - maybe go to Citizens Advice together (so that she too is involved in the household finances).
Your mortgage and outgoings must be a lot and you really need to drop the bar job as otherwise you could lose your good teaching job - I can't imagine how you can be a good teacher, get your reports written, plan etc when you work so much.
So you need to talk with someone about how you can manage to live with the one wage. Maybe DW will then be embarrassed enough, or understand enough to see that she needs to help get income into the home, or maybe they can advise you on your mortgage etc.

he doesn't care if she works or not - he wants out. let him go.