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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Want him back

86 replies

Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 13:56

Im 28 weeks pregnant. Only found out at nearly 21 weeks. My OH didn't want the baby, and really hasn't been very good. I had to
Move out, take early maternity and my life is not much anymore.
I know he's treated me terrible and I know
It's not the greatest situation. But I just want him to want me back... Not anything heavy straight away.
I hear he might be seeing someone else. And I know he's been awful but I can't keep putting a brave face on it.
How do I get him back?
I've no self respect or dignity left anyway so that doesn't matter....

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PeppermintPasty · 02/07/2012 14:03

Oh my love. You deserve better than him. I know this pain, it will pass. You must gather up all your strength and think of yourself and the baby.

You know he's been a shit to you, so your gut is probably telling you that it would be no good even if he did come back. Listen to that inner voice, and all the people on here who will doubtless say that you are better off without him, even if it doesn't feel like it now.

Have you anyone in real life you can talk to, who will listen and support you?

xx

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/07/2012 14:04

It's the loneliness talking. It's a pretty daunting thing to be facing motherhood totally solo. I know, I've done it myself. What you really want, I suspect, is a companion and he's in the 'better the devil you know' category. If he doesn't want the baby, doesn't want you and has already moved on with someone else he's not going to make a good companion. You don't have to put a brave face on it. It's OK to be upset at being lonely but do appreciate that being in a bad relationship is ten times worse.

Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 14:08

I only really have mumsnet and the dog. I can't cry or get upset in front of anyone else because they think im stupid if I don't think he's a twunt. I do think that but they never saw the good times.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/07/2012 14:15

There's always good times. If there wasn't good times, the bad times wouldn't be such a painful contrast. The price of being a loving person is that you make yourself vulnerable to being hurt. The price of seeing the best in people is that you can get let down very badly. It's quite normal to have fond memories and reminisce about the good times. As long as you keep thinking about the future and don't get trapped in the past, you'll be fine.

You're lucky you saw the real him when you did. Having been, as I said before, single during pregnancy and after the birth, it was challenging but rewarding. I think it would have been quite intolerable if I'd been with someone that wasn't 100% supportive of me and didn't love my DS. Once your baby arrives you'll feel quite differently about everything, I'm sure.

Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 14:18

Thanks cogito Sad everything is on a slide again Sad

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/07/2012 14:20

On a slide?

Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 14:22

Downward slide... Today and yesterday have been really bad days

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Babylon1 · 02/07/2012 14:24

Pickles love, whereabouts are you located? If you're anywhere near to me I'd just like to come and give you a very big unmumsnetty hug.

I'm so sorry this happening to you, but if he can treat you like this, you absolutely deserve (and will find) a million times better man.

Keep posting and talking to us, we're here for you, and FWIW dogs make great listeners too Wink xx

amillionyears · 02/07/2012 14:24

Sounds to me like you are grieiving for him.And that is normal and ok.And will take time.
Self respect is important.You are worthy,and worthwhile.You are important.Look after yourself and the little one.
I presume you are seeing the GP and health visitor or whoever it is that looks after pregnant women.I would mention to one of them about your OH not being around.
The good times are happy memories for you.
You might like to write them down,for you and the baby to remember as the baby grows up,as long as you are able to keep everything in perspective.

Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 14:39

Thank you guys. I'm In Sussex. I just don't feel I'll be normal again. Midwife knows, GP knows, have to wait two weeks for councillor. Can't take my anti depressants they make me feel to poorly. I just want him to come and give me a cuddle.

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jynier · 02/07/2012 14:40

Oh darling! This is awful for you. I agree with Peppermint and Cogito, though, that you are probably better off without him.

FWIW, I was married when I was pregnant and my XH was as much use as a chocolate teapot!

You will come through it. Keep posting - MN is wonderful!

With very best wishes. xxx

Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 15:08

Thank you it's just horrible. I don't know what I've done to deserve such a bad time. It's one thing after another x

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Babylon1 · 02/07/2012 15:21

You haven't done anything pickles, it's your twunt of an X that is at fault here.

Sussex is a long way from me unfortunately, but keep posting, we can all offer you virtual hugs xx

Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 15:29

I should have been more understanding though, and maybe given him some time rather than thinking he'd accept it and maybe been less paranoid Sad

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skyebluesapphire · 02/07/2012 15:36

I have been following your thread in pregnancy. Im glad you have posted here as there are some great MN'rs who will give you good advice.

I tried everything to get my H to come back, but just belittled myself in the process. I went against the advice on here as I felt it was something that I needed to do. Part of me regrets it, while the other part thinks that it was something that I needed to do for myself, so that I could know that I had tried everything.

I know its hard, but you can do this on your own, you will be ok. If he is seeing somebody else then he is emotionally detached from you. My counsellor had made me see that my H emotionally detached from me and it didnt matter what I did, he simply did not care any more. But I couldnt see that at the time....

Take care.

skyebluesapphire · 02/07/2012 15:42

He wanted you to get rid of the baby didnt he? and sent you a message saying that you were an idiot and had ruined everything?

This is a man who is furious that you have ruined HIS life, because you wouldnt do what HE wanted. Its all about him.

Except it isnt. Its all about YOU and that little baby you are carrying. You will be a fantastic mum and your family will support you like they are now.

Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 15:54

I am trying but it's just so hard. It seems to be getting harder Sad

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/07/2012 16:18

Who else is there in your life? Friends? Relations? Rather than thinking about the one person in your life that has gone all out to make you miserable, why not put yourself with people that like your company and value your personality? When you're on your own it's easy to wallow and feel sorry for yourself. When you're with others you have to make a bit of an effort and that can be a good thing at times like this. It'll hurt to have to listen to them telling you, as we are, that you're better off without him... but what's the realistic alternative? Hoping it all goes away isn't working.

Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 16:24

I just can't face calling people and when I do go out I just can't wait to get home and be alone. It's a stupid cycle Sad

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/07/2012 16:29

I think you have to face this one down and push through tbh. Otherwise the 'stupid cycle' can become a vicious one.

amillionyears · 02/07/2012 16:30

Are you sure that if you call people that they are not going to be understanding.
If you start off by saying,yes he was a twunt,even in a jokey way,they may still be sympathetic and hold your hand as it were,if you do cry or get upset.

Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 16:40

I know they will but I feel stupid and like I'm over reacting and stuff it's really crap. I just want him back

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MothershipG · 02/07/2012 16:45

You don't want him back, you want the man you thought he was, the one you knew in the good times but you have to remember that he was horrible to you, he doesn't deserve you or the baby.

FateLovesTheFearless · 02/07/2012 16:48

Pickles, I doubt it's him you really need but the reassurance that someone loves you and is there for you. As you say, you want a cuddle. Someone to say it will be okay and until the baby, that was him yes?

It is very scary feeling as though you are facing life alone with a baby on the way. But this is going to be the making of you. You change so much when you have a baby, particularly IMO, if you are a young age having one. I had my first at nineteen and wow did I change.

You need to try and keep yourself busy, not focus on him. This man didn't want a baby, didn't adequately ensure that it didn't happen, walked away from his responsibilities and appears to be seeing someone else already. He is no good for you and I doubt very very much that he will ever be the partner you want him to be. He tried to blackmail you into an abortion by offering you marriage and a baby in a years time. If he really was willing to offer that, then he would still be with you right now. You deserve so much more than a man like that.

When I split with stbxh and became a single mum to four, I struggled. More than I ever let on to anyone. I didn't miss him. I missed having someone there desperately. Someone I could rely on, someone to hold me when I was sad or stressed. It took a couple of months but i adjusted and actually started loving the fact I could look after myself, cheer myself up when sad, be responsible and make decisions alone. It's a very empowering feeling. Hang on in there, you will have your baby really soon.

Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 16:51

I know your right. I just want him to share this... It's not the same wrapping your own arms around your bump at night and pretending it's him. I sound so
Immature now. i know deep down to let it go.,., I just can't. I want the fairytale

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