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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want him back

86 replies

Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 13:56

Im 28 weeks pregnant. Only found out at nearly 21 weeks. My OH didn't want the baby, and really hasn't been very good. I had to
Move out, take early maternity and my life is not much anymore.
I know he's treated me terrible and I know
It's not the greatest situation. But I just want him to want me back... Not anything heavy straight away.
I hear he might be seeing someone else. And I know he's been awful but I can't keep putting a brave face on it.
How do I get him back?
I've no self respect or dignity left anyway so that doesn't matter....

OP posts:
amillionyears · 02/07/2012 17:07

I think your first step is to call people.
I am a great believer in first steps.
And you are in no way overreacting.What has happened to you is a big deal.

skyebluesapphire · 02/07/2012 17:11

You need to talk to chocoraisin , she is having a section tomorrow so may not be in for a while though! Her twunt left her while she was pregnant with no 2 DS and she's going it alone. She would be able to give you sound advice!

I cried all over my friends for weeks. They probably got fed up with it. It didn't say. They all thought he was a twunt and I just wanted him back. I'm so far past that now though!

I felt like you but there is a very good post above- you want the man you thought he was- not the man he actually is....

Niceupthedance · 02/07/2012 17:19

Pickles, you sound so sad, pregnancy is so hard on the emotions, I know. I was also single while pregnant, I came to MN for advice. The advice was to forget 'him' and concentrate on myself and the baby - what will be will be.

I truly wish I had spent less time and energy worrying about my son's dad and more time trying to enjoy my pregnancy.

I also know the 'one thing after another' feeling, I lost my business and had to sell my flat after the birth. I was up the job centre at 27 weeks, signing on and I wanted to cry. You should be proud of yourself for being so strong, even if you don't feel you are. You said you can't take your anti d's, can you ask to see a mental health midwife at your hospital? I had one, she was a lifesaver and really helped me not to feel totally alone.

I wish I had a magic answer for you but I can only say that, in my experience at least, it gets 100 times better, just hang on in there!

Original poster
Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 18:01

I'm very sad Sad but I'm trying Sad

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 02/07/2012 18:19

Yes, just concentrate on yourself and your baby. I know it's not easy.

We are all here to see you through it.

Original poster
Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 18:25

Does everyone think there's no chance at all of it working? Or him coming back Sad

OP posts:
Babylon1 · 02/07/2012 18:48

Pickles from what you've said it does sound unlikely Sad

I know that's not what you want to hear really I do, but 6 months from now you'll be in a hell of a better place.

amillionyears · 02/07/2012 18:50

Would you want him back as he is,or would he need to change?

Original poster
Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 18:53

I just hold onto hope. He'd have to change of course....

OP posts:
Babylon1 · 02/07/2012 18:55

You can't change him though pickles, that would be something only he can do Sad

Original poster
Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 19:00

I know Sad

OP posts:
Apocalypto · 02/07/2012 19:10

Were you married? Was he aware you might get pg?

EvenBetter · 02/07/2012 19:14

Aww Pickles :(
Think about in a few months, you'll go through labour, you may be scared, exhausted, in pain and then, finally, your brand new tiny human you've spent the best part of a year growing, giving tiny fingernails, eyelashes, ears, a heart and everything is plonked on you. You'll look into your baby's eyes and will think 'how DARE he want you dead?! How dare he threaten and demean me?! I'll love you forever and no one will EVER treat you like that!'

Your hormones are raging right now and you want to feel protected and not alone. He isn't capable of protecting you and you're not alone. Put your ears just below the surface of the water in a bath, you'll hear your heartbeat which is louder and slower, the faster one is your baby's.

He doesn't deserve either of you, one day you'll see this. And you'll realise that that's ok!

Original poster
Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 19:20

That's amazing I'm going to do that now.

No we weren't married, he knew we were
Only using condoms yeah but he says he holds no responsibility for me getting pg and he also knew if I did fall pregnant again how I'd feel about it so therefore thinks I've done it on purpose.
He says he can't give it a go with me at the moment as he's too angry with
Me. I know that's wrong of him to say but it breaks me...

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 02/07/2012 19:33

It's time you got angry with him. Make it plain you are doing this without him, sort out maintenance , if he won't then go to CSA once baby born. Agree when he can see baby, who presumably won't be able to leave you if you breast feed.

I know it's hard to see but he has treated you like dirt. I couldn't see it with my STBXH either but the wise ladies on here helped me to see it and helped me through the aftermath when I did realise it.

The feeling of desperately wanting them back and wanting to be a family is only natural and takes time to get over but it will get better. I promise.

MigratingCoconuts · 02/07/2012 19:44

Honey, the fairy tale does not exist, not with twunts like this one.

He will not ever change and you cannot make him into what you want and need him to be.

Its time to look after yourself and your baby. Better, lovelier men are out there.

But for now, just look after yourself and your baby.

Please,please,please contact a friend or relative. Anyone worth their salt in your life will be there for you in the way you need them to be.

Original poster
Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 19:47

Xx

OP posts:
TheFidgetySheep · 02/07/2012 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SparklyRedShoes · 02/07/2012 19:59

hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs. I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. Being dumped is shit, being dumped when pregnant is almost as low as it gets in terms of raw emotional pain.

I wish I could say something that will stop you wanting him back, but the truth is nothing I say will help with that. You are worth more than this. Notice I say this not him That is what you need to concentrate on. You will want him back; it's natural when you are having someone's child, to want them desperately, but you need to focus on what you need what you're worthy of what this baby needs. You will not find that rosy picture of two committed parents with this guy. You will not get it from him. He will never be the support you need.

Having this baby will not stop you finding the family you want with someone else. It will make you stronger. Draw up a list of all the things you've ever wanted to do no matter how unlikely and read it every day. It will remind you of who you were before this waste of space came along. Next think of all the things you want to do with your child.

Do you have any friends. I actually recommend you turn to a male friend if you have one as you will crave support from him less if another man is giving you at least some support.

All the very best, FWIW I went through similar and came out the other sideSmile and you will too. xx

Original poster
Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 20:04

You lot are so amazing you know. I'm so grateful mumsnet and mnetters exist. It's a true reflection that genuine people still exist xx

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 02/07/2012 20:07

What happened regarding your male friend that you had a thread about? Are you still in touch with him?

Original poster
Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 20:12

Not really... He texts occasionally but ive a feeling the stick from his mates got to him and gave him a reality check. Never mind eh Blush

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 02/07/2012 22:25

That's a shame, he sounded quite keen...

Original poster
Pickles77 · 02/07/2012 23:12

I think he maybe scared himself....

OP posts:
Scarredbutnotbroken · 03/07/2012 01:59

Oh op I do feel for you. But!! Having gone through a pregnancy with an awful man and being now pregnant and single mu god I wished I'd binned him off the first time around! I didn't think I could cope along. Turns out I coped great and I can't wait to do it alone this time without rwat face exp spoiling it for me.

My love you need to find done strength on there. You will cope with this baby and it will be the most empowering thing you ever experience. It will I promise.

In the mean time it's time to take charge. Make a list of what you need to do and start doing it. Right now. Are you safely housed? Money? See you getting all you are entitled to? Go and make some decisions even I'd it's just choosing baby clothes. Don't forget it's your choice now and you can pick what you like Grin

Hang in there for the counselling. I hope it's directive and helpful xx