Want him back

[Pickles77]

Im 28 weeks pregnant. Only found out at nearly 21 weeks. My OH didn't want the baby, and really hasn't been very good. I had to
Move out, take early maternity and my life is not much anymore.
I know he's treated me terrible and I know
It's not the greatest situation. But I just want him to want me back... Not anything heavy straight away.
I hear he might be seeing someone else. And I know he's been awful but I can't keep putting a brave face on it.
How do I get him back?
I've no self respect or dignity left anyway so that doesn't matter....

Thank you

Hi Pickles, I have been through a similar situation with xp, my dd is now 4, I left xp when dd was 2. I loved xp with all my heart and tried desperately to make our family and life the thing he most cherished. It took a lot of soul searching and pain for me but I eventually left with dd after realising that whatever you do, you cannot change someone or make them love and value as you do. My xp has had numerous relationships since our split, many that were taking place during our time together, each has been painful to deal with but you build a resiliance to it and somehow it gets easier, I promise you.

Most importantly, what I wanted you to know is that very soon you will experience a love that will totally totally totally outweigh any feelings you have had before. Your baby will be the most wonderful thing to happen in your life. The feeling you have when your baby is born is a feeling of total love and completeness. Happy times are waiting for you, just around that big bumpy corner.

Sorry to have posted and disappeared yesterday Pickles. How are you today, I hope you're feeling a bit brighter?

It is a sometimes lonely and scary business, being pregnant. But little by little, day by day, things are constantly changing, sometimes up, sometimes down. If you can try and accept that you will have some of those down days, then you will be able to ride the waves, as it were. You are in the hands of the Hormone Gods too of course! xx

It's just rubbish. I've started looking at housing options and benefits and it really is even more depressing. I can't see any light at all, I feel useless...

Where are you living now-you say you had to move out.

I'm living with my parents but it's tiny and no good for them. And I can only stay here tempory... I have no savings, debt and hardly any income. It couldn't get any worse really.
I shouldn't be having a baby

Can housing not help you at all? I guess you've contacted them from what you say above?

Hoever bad you feel, you know this man is not going to fix it don't you, as it is all about him.

Is there something small but positive that you can do today, to help your mood? Call someone? Go for a walk with someone? Sounds a bit stupid, but taking little steps might help.

Thanks :) not really I'll have to go live in a hostel or b and b before they help me.
Why couldn't he have just done the right thing?
I was going to take my dog out but it's raining. I can't really see anyone- there isn't really anyone anyway

I've pm'd you Pickles.

Thanks x

"Why couldn't he have just done the right thing?"

He didn't stick around because he's self-centred, irresponsible and doesn't care about you. If he'd stayed, those same qualities would have made him a millstone around your neck.

As for your parents' place. It may be tiny and cramped with you all there together but have you talked to them about the future? I'm sure they will want to help you as much as possible when the baby arrives and, even if it is tough on everyone to begin with, you may find you appreciate having someone on hand who has a bit of experience. On benefits and housing the website Turn2Us has some very good information.

Thank you, they were great at offering to come home. But now im home they remind me they are both ill. And keep going on about the housing. They moan that I don't go out to work which confuses me as I am on ML and can't work which is what they wanted. Step mum keeps going on about housing.... Dad doesn't mention it so much but reminded me the other day that I'm a guest which really helped of course...
I should have just stayed up there and tried with him more. Now I'm going to be homeless with no prospects.
I don't even have as many friends as i thought not ones I can be open with. The one I thought I could be honest with is overseas and hasnt called once- I always chase her.

I'm so sorry to go on, im not exaggerating and I'm trying so hard not to be self centred

When my friend's DD had a baby at a fairly young age they camped out at the local authority's housing department and my friend wrote letters until something came up. It was a temporary hostel-type place but, within a few months, she was allocated a lovely 2 bed Housing Association new-build. She went on to get a little job locally and the baby stayed with a CM some of the time and my friend the rest. Factor in the tax credits and child credits and she wasn't badly off at all.

Maybe as you have a lot of time on your hands, you could do something similar? Rather than thinking life's over, roll up your sleeves, make a bit of a nuisance of yourself and see just how capable you really are.

I'll try my best

Hi Pickles

Just letting you know you are not alone!
I'm also 28 weeks, my ex ditched me immediately after I told him I was pregnant back in Feb (despite us having lived together for 1.5 years, being in a relationship for 2 years and knowing eachother for 4.5 years). Apparently the 'timing' was all wrong for him and it wasn't going to fit in with his lifestyle - he'd gone back to college having lost his job and seemed to think it is impossible to combine a BA with a baby. Er, I went to uni with plenty of parents (some on their own who somehow managed to juggle the two!) Anyway, I digress...

Like a bloody fool, I allowed him to continue living with me as he had no other options, so had my head wrecked for 6 months: him going out at weekends, sleeping in the bed next to me with his back to me, not offering me any comfort when I was tearful or stressed and generally being an arsehole. He moved out 3 weeks ago, and apart from a couple of wobbles, i've enjoyed the peace. He is still in regular contact, wants to come to anti natal visits etc, just doesn't want me any more, isn't ready to 'settle down' - he's 42 btw.

And I still love him < deluded idiot >

He has now become interested in the baby - wants to be a dad. But just not be with me. He seems to believe that he can return to college in Sept (when I'm due to give birth) do an hour or so a week playing 'daddy'. Then return to his studies and his selfish, single life.

I understand how you feel - the double rejection of not just yourself but the baby is just so painful.

I don't know what is worse - having them sod off altogether and not be bothered at all, or have them still in your life because of the baby when under normal circumstances if a relationship was over, you would not see eachother and therefore get over them.

Pickles, my GP has been wonderful - I am seeing a family therapist tonight, and she has referred me to a psychiatrist attached to the maternity hospital as additional support.

Grab any supports you can. As other posters have rightly said, concentrate on your baby - not his/her shit of a father! Try to enjoy what's left of your pregnancy and please message me if you want to.

Sorry if i've hijacked your thread a bit btw!

Listen to dolly, she speaks sense. Well, except for the bit about still loving him

If you can't face doing stuff in RL, you'll just have to do it here for now-come and have a rant when you're feeling low. We'll listen, and support you.

Remember the old line "This too shall pass". You won't feel like this forever.

Oh dolly that's so great to hear I'm
Not alone and I'm not hurting. I think at the
Minute it's having to explain my sitution all over again in Sussex where as where I was everything wasn't so bad as
My councillor GP and midwife spoke I each other.
I'm so glad your getting there it gives me hope. I find mums net so helpful and it's nice to meet genuine lovely people. Thank you so much for posting and being lovely people. I wish you all the luck ever and hope to try to keep each other sane!

have you divorced the JR yet

Pickles, I never really post on these threads but I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. I promise you one day you'll look nack and wonder how you made it through this but you will. Your a women and you are stronger, braver and more resourceful than you give yourself credit for. I've been in a similar situation ( not pregnant ) and my ex came back, I was heart broken and wanted him back BUT I lived constantly on edge, I kept trying to do everything right and gave everything I could. He treated me worse than ever before and if anything I was even more heart broken.

You loved the man he was not the man he is now. This is hard to accept but you will make a wonderful life for you and the baby, you'll get through all this and be so proud of yourself. I wrote a journal of my thoughts and feelings after my partner left, I read it 2 years later and I couldn't believe how far I had come and all I'd achieved, I wrote all the horrible things he told me after he left and when I read it I could have cried because I believed I was nothing without him. The tables have now turned, I took my time, I stayed single so I could sort my head out and work out who I was and what I wanted from life. Never look back, keep looking forward.

Have faith, keep looking forward and most importantly be kind and gentle with yourself. I know this isn't a very mumsnet thing to say but a huge hug sent your way xx

Pickles we can hand hold through this! Luckily there is some great advice and much kindness on MN.
If it helps at all, one of my best friends said that when she held her baby for the first time, she fell completely in love for the first time in her life. Something to think about, and he/she will take all your time and attention too!
I went to counseling this evening and I think it's going to help. Try to find someone near to where you're living now so you have an outlet.

Pasty: stern look received and understood!
Am also attending counseling to try to figure out why I still want to be with him! Low self esteem coupled with rampaging hormones don't help, but working on it now

Thank you, I'm glad it went well dolly. I have my GP today.
Thanks for everyone's advice.
I hope I hear from him parents soon as I really think they think I have run away from their son and that he was being supportive.
I think I need to tell them of the abuse I've had screamed at me, that he won't acknowledge the baby let alone discuss things properly, that he's met someone else. That he only contacts me to abuse me, that he tried telling me that the parents wouldnt want to hear from me or anything. As I think I'll have to be looking into courts and csa now... I still love him deep down but I know physically I can't be spending time or see him when she arrives.
I want them to understand why he can't come to the birth, why he can't be at the hosp or my parents house, why he can't pick names, why he doesnt know how to care for her. Without me looking like a awful cow... Like I feel.
I can't do the right thing by everyone at the minute. That's what is scaring and hurting me the fact I cant keep anyone happy let alone myself
Sorry rant

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone. The only person you have to 'do the right thing by' is now and always will be yourself and, by extension, your child. You are not responsible for anyone's happiness except the same two people.

Do not contact his parents. Who cares a flying fig what they think? Your life & your baby's life have nothing to do with them whatsoever. If they don't already know that their son is a nasty piece of work, they will not believe anyone that tells them. You do not have make them understand. You are not an 'awful cow' but the victim of abuse. You are now an independent woman and you are going to be making all the decisions about your life and your child's life without having to explain anything to anyone. Get used to that.... it's a very powerful position to be in.

'Deep down' you do not love this man but you won't know that until the day you meet your baby. Then you'll understand real love.

Another vote for don't contact his parents. DS's dad's mum found out I was pregnant when I was 12 weeks, at 36 weeks she told her golden boy to get a DNA test. I was livid. Blood is thicker than water and you may not get the response you want.

Pickle don't know if you remember me you posted the week your EX said have abortion or its over! I had that situation too at 3 months pregnant and the idiot left when I was 5 months pregnant. I lived alone no one only me and my bump.

What you are craving Pickles is normality a loving father to your dc! This is normal even yrs later as ds now 7 yrs. old but not EX as df! He never wanted ds all about the narcissistic taunt!

You will feel so much better when your beautiful baby comes along as you will feel love you never have done before which will just over ride the idiot! I advise you to stay with parents for support until after your baby has arrived.

He already made you get rid of one baby don't let this monster into you're or your baby's life again, because men like this just want to hurt you back and that usually involves hurting the most precious thing in your life your baby!

WA do counselling which I recommend. Get lots of mummy mags and window shop...I did car boot sales to buy everything for ds. I too was in debt and I got bargains and got addicted to car boots lol!

It hurts hard, but I found as soon as ds arrived the pain left an I just felt love again! You will too...keep busy getting ready for big day to try and distract you and pre birth mummy meet ups you can go too to meet for cuppa as you will have everything in common....awaiting to meet your little bundle of joy.

Thanks guys. It's just like im sitting waiting for time now.
I want baby to hurry up!
seaofyou big wave

I just can't believe how my life has changed. I don't know whether rather than wait until next year to do a course from home instead as it gives me something else to focus on
Also im panicking this morning as I was ten weeks premature and have been told that means my baby is likely to be early. Is that true?