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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abusive partner or just me being dramatic?

96 replies

PandaSpaniel · 01/07/2012 23:54

A bit of background, DS1's dad was a emotionally abusive prick and I am so glad I got out of that relationship. DS1 age 7

DS2 age 16 weeks and I have just split up from his dad.

The beginning of the end was a few weeks ago when I told him I had increased my overdraft as we were skint - note MY overdraft not his! He lent over me in bed and screamed at me that I was a stupid bitch, a silly c*nt etc etc and I felt so trapped I ended up hitting him to get him off me.

A couple of days later, he had a hangover and I asked him to pop to the shop for some bits and went to take our baby off him so he would go and he ended up punching me in the arm whilst I was holding baby. He said I had snatched DS2 off him.

I tried to put it behind us but since I have had DS2 I have felt like I have had to do near enough everything and he could still get pissed up at the weekends and not bother with night feeds etc.

Partly my fault with the night feeds as I was BFing until a week and half ago, so I said he could sleep in my sons room so he wouldn't be disturbed. Too generous? ? But I got to the stage where I wasnt coping and he managed to do one night on his own while I stayed at my mums but the next night got drunk and left me to it!

He calls me every name under the sun when we argue and only two days ago he lashed out at me and hit the bed post at the last minute rather than hit me. I know reading this that he is abusive or at least getting that way and I know I need to stay away from him for my childrens sake if not my own.

But you just wouldn't think he was abusive. To anyone else he is just a normal lad who likes a drink at the weekend (he doesn't drink during the week) who gets tired cos he works long hours, so doesn't like his sleep disturbed.

Sorry this is a bit rambling, I am feeling really confused as to whether I am just being paranoid and dramatic or if he really is abusive?

OP posts:

gingerchick · 02/07/2012 00:03

He is abusive lovey, you definitely did the right thing. Just be careful as the time after ending a relationship can be a danger time, was for me, take care of yourself and your children and thank god you got out. It is natural to doubt yourself or blame yourself but the things which you describe there is no question in my mind are abusive. You definitely did the right thing

Feckbox · 02/07/2012 00:03

Do you think most abusers look like abusers to the outside world .?

gingerchick · 02/07/2012 00:06

feck why would you feel the need to be sarcastic like that, honestly grow up!

solidgoldbrass · 02/07/2012 00:13

Actually, some abusers are quite good at hiding their true nature, others less so. It also depends on the social/professional circles they move in. And how much tolerance those circles have for woman-hating. There are plenty of environments where women are expected to obey men and please them, and verbal abuse/laziness/selfishness/anything short of putting the woman in hospital is regarded as 'normal' and/or the woman's own fault for not being obedient enough or not opening her legs regularly.

OP, it's not that unreasonable for a man (or a woman) to enjoy a drink at the weekend and dislike being woken up too frequently. It is unreasonable for people to get drunk regularly while expecting their partners to do all the domestic chores and it's definitely unreasonable to smash things and punch walls in order to intimidate a partner. This man's a selfish prick and it's fine to get rid of him.

Feckbox · 02/07/2012 00:16

I'm not being in the least sarcastic.
Read op again . She is trying to talk herself out of thinking he is an abuser because he seems like a regular bloke to the rest of the world.
Hope this helps

thenightsky · 02/07/2012 00:19

Feck makes a good point. Many abusers are pillars of society on the face of it.

izzyizin · 02/07/2012 00:22

Your eldest ds's f is/was an emotionally abusive prick yet you've gone on to have another ds with another abusive man.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Contact your nearest Women's Aid office and ask when/if it's available in your area www.womensaid.org.uk

iklboo · 02/07/2012 00:25

Ex-p was positively charming in front of other people. It's when we were at home alone it would all start. Abusers are good at 'fronts'.

Original poster

PandaSpaniel · 02/07/2012 00:33

izzyizin He seemed fantastic for the first year of our relationship, no violence or emotional abuse at all. However we didn't live together then so I guess I didn't know him that well back then.

I will contact womensaid as I could really do with some support. I kind of feel attacked for having a son with him. I didn't see this coming, it didn't matter that he had a drink at weekends before I had my baby as I was more than capable of looking after my older son who obviously sleeps through. It is really only since I had the little one that the arguments and violence has crept in.

OP posts:

Original poster

PandaSpaniel · 02/07/2012 00:36

The thing is 99% of the time he is / was a normal bloke. He helped around the house most of the time and was good with my older son. It kind of sneaked up slowly - firstly he wouldn't help with the housework as much, then on a sat or sun he would prefer to nurse a hangover rather than do anything as a family. Not abusive just bloody lazy.

OP posts:

sesameflower · 02/07/2012 00:38

He is abusive. Violence isnt the way to resolve trivial or any dispute. He should have more respect for the woman who jusr had his baby.
Best shot of him before it gets worse.

Original poster

PandaSpaniel · 02/07/2012 00:49

I do know I have done the right thing but its so hard when everyone thinks he is fu**in wonderful and its all down to me for breaking the family up :(

OP posts:

MmeLindor. · 02/07/2012 00:54

Sweetheart. He is the one breaking up the family. He is to blame. There is no excuse for verbal and physical abuse. None.

He is abusive and it will get worse. You are doing the right thing.

gingerchick · 02/07/2012 00:54

Only you know what is best for your kids and yourself. Everyone makes mistakes so don't feel badly about that its done and you have got them away from a bad situation which you should be very very proud of. People will think what they like at the end of the day but you were the one living it and it is your decision. Well done for getting out and giving your children a happier life

Original poster

PandaSpaniel · 02/07/2012 00:58

Thank you everyone, why do I feel so ashamed for not seeing it sooner and also still thinking I am making it out to b worse than it is?

OP posts:

gingerchick · 02/07/2012 01:03

Because that is how women in abusive relationships are made to feel. I felt like that too even when the physical violence escalated I also thought that if I behaved myself and trod on eggshells it wouldn't happen. You have done so well to recognise that this relationship was abusive honestly you really have, you have done the right thing it took me 11 years and numerous injuries to get out I wish I had done what you have so be proud of yourself. you deserve better and so do your children well done

MmeLindor. · 02/07/2012 01:11

Panda
Please google %23webelieveyou and read some of the stories shared about abusive partners. You will recognise your H. Many women shared their stories and all of them said the same thing - why didn't I see it?

Cause these men don't want you to see it. They hide it and then they chip away at your confidence till you doubt your own feelings. It is no accident. It is planned.

Don't doubt. Be strong and feel proud that you are getting away

wannabedomesticgoddess · 02/07/2012 01:14

A lot of men feel jealous on the arrival of a baby but dont recognise it in themselves. He may be feeling insecure about his abilities as a father but instead of admitting it he make you out to be the bad one and burys his head in the sand. (the name calling and drinking etc)

This is by no means an excuse for his behaviour, but might go some way to explaining why you felt it "sneaked up" or you didnt see it coming.

Ultimately you have done the right thing and you need to remember you are not to blame.

Original poster

PandaSpaniel · 02/07/2012 01:18

See I read the stories and he doesn't fit in to the pattern. My ex did, god he ticked every box but somehow my partner now doesn't. Maybe I am just being blind and will see it in time?

Anyhow it is done, I am not taking him back.

I will be contacting womensaid and will look on the website mmeLindor suggests. Off to bed now, see if I can sleep. Night all x

OP posts:

wannabedomesticgoddess · 02/07/2012 01:20

Oh and I think you should definately look into womens aid or similar. You need to learn about "triggers" and how to recognise them. Some are things you maybe wouldnt even realise are forms of abuse.

Finding out about these really helped me move on from an abusive relationship and finally get rid of the doubts of whether it was real or did I just expect too much.

Original poster

PandaSpaniel · 02/07/2012 17:57

Well the reality of being a single parent again is kicking in. So depressed and weepy

OP posts:

gingerchick · 02/07/2012 18:05

Sweetheart it will get better honestly the thought of it is often worse than the reality. I am a single parent and I I can do it anyone can! I'm sorry you are feeling so bad but I promise you It will get better, I'm living proof right here and the relief is immense take care lovely xx

struwelpeter · 02/07/2012 18:17

Refuge's latest ad has a great sentence in it from Lorraine, who's doing a makeover to hide the bruises. "If you find yourself modifying your behaviour in front of your partner, then it is abuse". Ie not the stuff that you do to kinda get along with living with someone, finding out about their likes and dislikes but stuff that avoids him losing it.
Get some RL support around you, talk to women's aid and respect, the freedom programme.

Original poster

PandaSpaniel · 05/07/2012 23:06

Well my ex has been round to see his son every night since saturday. Has not really bothered with his step son who is nearly 7 so although DS1 hasn't said much yet, I am waiting for why doesn't step dad like me anymore?

Am bloody furious with him because foolishly I thought he would want to remain a big part of DS1's life but obviously not.

Angry and very hurt.

OP posts:

fedup2012 · 06/07/2012 00:22

Nasty nasty man, he is using the children to abuse you further. He know exactly what he is doing. Write everything Down. This could cause a heck of a lot of distress if not damage to ds1, so please do everything you can to get evidence.

This may turn into child abuse if he continues this deliberate ignoring of ds1 and favouring dS2. As I said, get evidence as one day this all may go in front of s court.

Remember these men have a finely tuned radar for women like you, the kind but strong ones. I'm so angry on your behalf, so glad you have got out. Also, contact Gingerbread about money advice, in addition to the freedom programme mentioned above.

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