Abusive partner or just me being dramatic?

[PandaSpaniel]

A bit of background, DS1's dad was a emotionally abusive prick and I am so glad I got out of that relationship. DS1 age 7

DS2 age 16 weeks and I have just split up from his dad.

The beginning of the end was a few weeks ago when I told him I had increased my overdraft as we were skint - note MY overdraft not his! He lent over me in bed and screamed at me that I was a stupid bitch, a silly c*nt etc etc and I felt so trapped I ended up hitting him to get him off me.

A couple of days later, he had a hangover and I asked him to pop to the shop for some bits and went to take our baby off him so he would go and he ended up punching me in the arm whilst I was holding baby. He said I had snatched DS2 off him.

I tried to put it behind us but since I have had DS2 I have felt like I have had to do near enough everything and he could still get pissed up at the weekends and not bother with night feeds etc.

Partly my fault with the night feeds as I was BFing until a week and half ago, so I said he could sleep in my sons room so he wouldn't be disturbed. Too generous? ? But I got to the stage where I wasnt coping and he managed to do one night on his own while I stayed at my mums but the next night got drunk and left me to it!

He calls me every name under the sun when we argue and only two days ago he lashed out at me and hit the bed post at the last minute rather than hit me. I know reading this that he is abusive or at least getting that way and I know I need to stay away from him for my childrens sake if not my own.

But you just wouldn't think he was abusive. To anyone else he is just a normal lad who likes a drink at the weekend (he doesn't drink during the week) who gets tired cos he works long hours, so doesn't like his sleep disturbed.

Sorry this is a bit rambling, I am feeling really confused as to whether I am just being paranoid and dramatic or if he really is abusive?

See I don't think he even realises what he is doing, and that makes it worse! How can he not know that DS1 wants to see him. He has been a part of DS1's life for 3 years, so nearly half his life.

I tried to ask him if he wanted to remain a part of DS1's life and he said "yeah but am not gonna babysit for him when you want to go out!" I wouldn't ask him to, the thought had never crossed my mind and I said I wouldn't and that I wouldn't even ask him to have the baby overnight as he is too young to be away from me and he said Oh I didn't mean now, I meant in the future.

Honestly, I hardly go out, I have a little baby to take care of, why would I be going out all the time???? He is just being a twunt. DS1 sees his dad every weekend and stays over alternate weekends so even if I did want to go out, I think alternate weekends is enough for anyone.

I am ok for money so far, as luckily am on mat allowance so don't have to worry bout income support taking forever and a day. Am hoping to be working once mat allowance runs out, if I can find a bloody job at the moment!!

But will be contacting womens aid as I must have something that says "HEY COME AND WALK ALL OVER ME"

I wonder if you have been unrealistic about your assumptions that other people are kind and thoughtful as you are. You're saying "come and walk all over me and I won't blame you for it - that is if I notice you are doing it at all".

Well things are well and truly over. I don't think he minds. He is free to be a weekend dad now and I think that suits him. I am slowly realising just what a nasty person he is.

And fedup2012 I think I do always expect people to be nice and kind and am continually disappointed when they don't live up to expectations. I like to see the best in people but maybe I should become more cynical as I always get hurt.

Well I hate to say that's good to hear Panda. I'm not sure what else to say, but I hope you can learn from this experience. You are doing your children a favour by ditching this man and ensuring that they don't witness anyone treating you badly again.

You are making space in your life for someone who truly appreciates who you are, and doesn't take advantage of your faith in human nature. Stay strong.

So sorry for you Panda, but you know you're better off without someone like him in your life, you deserve better love. Don't change, there's nothing wrong with being kind and trusting and those who are worthy of your friendship and love will value those traits in you. I'd rather be too loving and trusting than be a hollow selfish cynical twat any day. x

Ah thanks ladies. I know I can't go back and I don't want to, however last night he came to see his son and he took DS1 his step son with him too. He was very nicey nicey and I thought -

Oh maybe he isn't as bad as I have made him out to be.

Then as we were talking about things I said I was struggling with the fact he hit me when I was holding the baby and he just said well you hit me a few days earlier. (He was lent over me screaming at me and I warned him to get away from me)

He still hasn't apologised properly and he still doesn't see the damage it has caused. In his eyes I have kicked him out for nothing.

I feel so sad and disappointed that this man, who I thought loved me and wanted to share his life with me, can do such an appalling thing and justify it to himself as "Oh well you hit me first"

I am ashamed that I hit him but he had me pinned down, I just lost it, doesn't excuse it but then there is never an excuse for violence.

I sent his sister in law a message saying I could never take him back due to him having anger issues and a total lack of respect for women. She showed it to him (seems I can't trust anyone) and all he picked up on was the fact I couldn't take him back. He never mentioned the reasons why. Its like he just can't see that he is in the wrong and still seems puzzled as to why I asked him to leave.

Sorry this is all a bit rambling but I just needed to write things down.

He won't see the reason you dumped him. He doesn't want to. Abusers are all the same. You didn't chuck him out for nothing, you were right to.

If he's being nicey nicey now, it won't last. You know that.

Don't weaken. He'll never change.

That's the hardest part of all Panda, knowing that they will never realise exactly what damage they have done to us. If you appear to be fine without him, he can kid himself that he's done nothing wrong, if you are upset it must be because you're hormonal/mentally unstable/female and if you're angry then you're out of control and mad.

It will never ever be his fault, so you have to do the seemingly impossible and try to switch your emotions off with regard to what he has done to you because you will never get any satisfaction from him. Forgive yourself for what you think you have done wrong - forgive him if it helps (only in your heart, you don't have to tell him) and you will feel much calmer and more able to move on.

Men like him will justify their own behaviour in any way they can - my stbxh brought up the fact that I'd tried to hit him once about 5 years ago because he was being verbally abusive and laughing at me. I know people say there's no excuse for violence, but we're only human and there's only so much abuse you can take before you snap so don't feel guilty about it.

By the way I too tried to get his family to see what he was like, but it just made me feel worse as his sister (who is older and more like a mum) said "well that will just be between us, I'm not going to mention that when I speak to him or anyone else about it" which made me feel like it was some big secret to be hushed up and swept under the carpet. She may as well have stuck her fingers in her ears singing "lalalala I'm not listening!"

If you can, try to detach from his family for now, get your support from friends and your own family (although some of mine are still being far too civil to him for my liking!) and come on here to tell us all about it as we understand. x

Panda, would you be interested in attending the Freedom Programme?

It's a group programme, free, for women who have been in abusive relationships, to help them understand what happened, and how to avoid it in the future. It runs across the country.

I'm not at all surprised to hear that you are a person who expects others to be nice and is often disappointed. It's a wonderful thing to be a generous person, but unfortunately there are too many people out there who will take advantage. The good news is that you can be a generous lovely person AND have boundaries.

I am not doing so bad today. I am trying to be civil to him without letting my emotions get the better of me. I think I am puzzling him with my calm attitude.

I have spoken to a lovely lady who works at my local sure start centre who has given me the Freedom programme book to read through and it does make for interesting reading.

I can fit DS1's dad into nearly all of the types, however DS2's dad doesn't fit in as neatly. I am not sure if this is because I am comparing the two and thinking well 1 was so much worse than 2, so therefore 2 can't be that bad. IYSWIM

Or if its because I still have feelings for 2 and that is clouding what I see.

One of my close friends who has read the book as part of her college course did say last year that 2 fitted into some of the types in the book, so obviously if she could see it then as a outsider to the relationship the abuse must be there. It was just so subtle I just didn't see it.

I still don't think that he sees himself as an abuser or is aware of what he is doing. In his mind, he is the breadwinner and he feels fine shouting at me about money etc. as I am (in his eyes) wasting it. He fails to see my point about him smoking and drinking is the biggest waste of money ever.

He isn't a manipulative calculating bas*rd, trust me, DS1's dad is King of that! he honestly thinks what he does is right and that there isn't a problem shouting and putting someone down if they have done something he doesn't agree with. I blame his dik head of a dad.

I am trying to stay strong, its hard. I keep thinking I gave up too easily and maybe I should have tried harder. Silly I know. I am honestly struggling as I think its the fear of being single when I could have a family. I have to keep reminding myself that I wasn't happy and we broke up for good reasons. :(

Just because you got away from the Grade 10 bastard is not the reason to settle for and be happy with the Grade 6 bastard.

Well done for realising and getting out.

Good luck for you and your DC for the future.

Thank you, I am sure I have made the right decision. It just feels a little lonely. Got a lot of new things going on in my life and it all feels scary. Sometime I feel like running back to what I know. Then I remind myself that I wasn't happy and that I need to do new things, on my own, to give myself and my children a happy secure future.

Hi Panda, it might seem as though you have lost your family and you will now be alone, but if he's there you will just continue in this difficult relationship and find it impossible to get out. Remember that every space is filled eventually, keep it free for someone who deserves you and will make you and your children truly happy.

Think of loneliness as a temporary vacancy.

Hi Op,
Sorry you are going through this dreadful time.
Perhaps read through the links in the first post of the Emotional Abuse thread

EA abuse is harder to spot than physical violence, because no obvious injuries. But it is insidious and all about control. You end up being undermined, wrong footed and doubting yourself.

It is very common for domestic abuse to start during pregnancy / with a new baby.

Well done on leaving, that is the toughest part.

Its all my fault! All me and my depression. I suck at relationships.

Hang in there, PandaSpaniel.

Where did that thought come from.

I have depression and when I look back at my three serious relationships, two of them met a girl very soon after me and had good relationships with that person and now my ex has pointed out that without the depression I would have been much easier to live with and we prob wouldnt have broken up and I think he is right. I just feel like I am hell to live with

Everyone has issues. But hurting another person is absolutely wrong, and that's what your ex did. He's not accepting responsibility for himself and thus trying to blame you.

You're fine, its natural to feel crap when a relationship ends.

Panda, your depression will have been worsened by living with someone as unsupportive and undermining as he was. I don't know the ins and outs of it, but there are different types of depression and situational depression is caused by living in a depressing 'situation' - sharing a home with an abusive bastard is definitely classed as that.

Don't blame yourself, being depressed is not a reason for you to take his abuse, a good man would have done what he could to support you and help you, not make things worse by being a physical and emotional bully.

Panda, I had depression and my dh did not deal with it by emotionally abusing me. He supported me and looked after me. This is normal.
Your ex is using it as another excuse to justify his behaviour. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors in your exes new relationships either, just because they look great from the outside doesn't mean they are.

Stay strong, don't blame yourself. He is responsible for the way he reacted to situations, not you.

To be honest, very sadly I think "normal lad" behaviour is often abusive, just because it is common doesn't mean it is appropriate. That aside, you have done the right thing, he was escalating his abuse of you.

Panda what makes you think the new relationships were normal?

Ah thanks peeps. I had a few too many last night and felt very sorry for myself. I am hard to live with, I am demanding and can be selfish. I recognise this in myself and my mum (who is fab and very supportive) does point this out (in a lovely gentle way)

I fear I have portrayed my ex as an absolute b**tard and whilst there is no excuse for the hitting and calling me names, I do still love him and think with counselling we could make a go of things.

We both have a lot of issues and I wouldn't dream of letting move back in for at least a year, as trust is such a hard thing to rediscover but I still think there is hope. Maybe I am delusional but I really want the relationship to work.